Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Happy Mother's Day to you too imaround wherever you are in the world!

Chewbacca, I am un the US so our Mothers day is in May.

I've been working my way through the books. It's slow going and things that come up need thinking about and afterwards I need a while to not think about it and focus on something else.

Today I was thinking about how I broke years of NC to answer emails from my mum and my brother while I was ill and my hormones were crazy and my metabolism running out of control.

At the time I thought I was strong and angry and powerful and I was going to show them that they couldn't hurt me and they had no control over me. I really thought I had acheived that.

But what was really underneath that was hurt. Because I sat and read them again and it was screaming out at me.

I'm not sure if they would have seen how much pain I was in. If they did there wasn't any evidence of it in their replies. There wasn't any sign of empathy or understanding.

In one of the replies I was told I was finally showing my true colours. I wasn't, I don't think you can estrange after half a lifetime and finally show your true colours a few years later.

It was an interesting statement though. A little glimpse into the person they needed me to be to feel better about themselves.

I imagine an attuned, attached mother would have been shocked by a daughter, replying with anger instead of hurt, out of character and thought "something is wrong here". Which is a daft imagine because we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if that were the case.

Anyway I don't actually know if this means anything really except to show that my mother has never really actually known me at all.

The best way to stand up for myself was to estrange. That's all that needed to be said and done... And that still stands.

I understand the hurt. I wish I had stayed estranged to be honest. I have definitely learned a lesson. I spent 12 weeks of my life cleaning up her mess again and she is sitting at home posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about how horrible family is for abandoning her in her time of need.

Validating hugs to you.

imaround we know you did a good thing.

I just thought I was finally standing up for myself when I didn't need to and I only did that because I wasn't right in myself.

It just highlights that whatever we do makes no difference really. They will never see us for who we are and we won't ever be good enough to them.

That's a lie though, we are good enough and the people who love and appreciate us know that

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201805/10-things-expect-when-trying-separate-toxic-mother?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

I am checking in. My father passed last night. It has been a difficult few days.

So sorry Iamaround you are truly amazing handling all this with abusive family trying to bring you down

My sincere condolences imaround.

So sorry to hear that imaround—so hard to experience that loss on top of all the other losses and griefs in our lives. Take good care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss imaround

Sometimes you have to look at past behaviours to understand how to move forward. These things can run through generations until someone says 'no more's which is where I am at at the moment

Good for you Nonni .

I agree nonni. As in my mothers case, she learned from her mother. It is a cycle. All it takes is one generation to say no more to change it.

Nonni63

Sometimes you have to look at past behaviours to understand how to move forward. These things can run through generations until someone says 'no more's which is where I am at at the moment

I am so glad for you and completely agree.

No more.

Has anyone got to a certain age and looked back and realised how messed up some parts of their childhood were? I think the distance of Covid isolation has put some things into perspective. I don't think my mother was unloving. Emotionally unavailable and dismissive of feelings yes, but she loved us. I think she's co-dependent. Some of the things she pleads: she never had much power or gaslights or writes things off as being in the past. She was an enabler. These things are starting to irritate me more when I hear them. I'm also cross at myself for not standing up to her more when she inserted herself where it was inappropriate when I was a young adult. Things like crashing my birth, not knowing where her home ended and mine began.

Mandrake i remember chatting about this before during lockdown. That people getting a break from certain other people might be feeling a lot of relief and wondering why.

It doesnt seem unusual to come to the realisation that a childhood was unhealthy later in life.

It is never too late to start to heal and put boundaries in place which can be whatever you need them to be to heal and move forward

The challenge is that if I assert boundaries, I'm always in the wrong or 'having a mood'. At worst I've been called a liar. I find it hard to get past that one. She will stomp off to another room and sulk. Last time I handled it by just ignoring it completely. She eventually came out and didn't say anything, but I could tell she was furious. I just went on as if nothing had happened.

I realised pretty early on how 'messed up' my own childhood was, but not enough for me to estrange either of my parents.

Asserting boundaries is for your protection Mandrake, of course it's easier said than done, but if they work for you, that's all that matters and it sounds as if you're doing a good job.

The fact that when she'd finished sulking, came back and said nothing IMO shows that she may have been furious but knew there was nothing she could do about it. Carrying on as if nothing had happened was precisely the right thing to do.

Keep on doing what you're doing and as time goes by, you'll become more confident and hopefully it will get easier.

This article might belp you Mandrake

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/enmeshed-families-how-to-hold-better-boundaries-for-yourself

There is also this one, it may not fit perfectly but may help

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201908/boundaries-and-the-dance-the-codependent

The important thing is that you deserve your boundaries. You deserve to be treated kindly, you deserve to have your own values, you deserve your privacy and you deserve to choose how you spend your time and energy.

It is really important that you reinforce boundaries. So letting her have her, tantrum i suppose, and not chasing her or arguing is a good start.

If she is furious that is not your responsibility, it is hers to learn to respect your boundaries and react appropriately.

Now you are aware of the issues in your relationship, if she cannot come together with you to talk it through reasonably or with some sort of counselling and she absolutely won't accept your boundaries which some parents won't, no matter what. Then it is completely reasonable to pull back from the relationship as much as you need. This ranges from only spending time on certain days, only answering the phone at certain days or times, leaving the situation when she exhibits behaviours, beng very low contact and not sbaring any details of your life with her to full estrangement.

What matters is how your mental health is affected and what steps are needed in your individual situation for you to protect it

I realised pretty early on how‘ messed up’ my own childhood was, but not enough for me to estrange either of my parents.

Me too, although the messing up came from my mother. To be honest, I think I was so brainwashed that I didn’t properly realise how I was being manipulated and abused until later on myself. I knew early on in adulthood that my mother was very different from other mothers.
My mother is now old and in a care home. I visit her, but not as often as I did. I feel a bit sorry for her now. She’s bedbound and messes herself. She shows no interest in joining in any of the lovely activities that the home provides. She says occasionally that she wants to die. It would be a relief for us all.

I'm so sorry about your mum maddy, for all she's put you through and continues to put you through and her declining health.

I know from your previous posts how hard you tried to find the best home for her, despite the way she's been, and how nothing you do is ever good enough.

I was 15 when I realised how dysfunctional our family was. We were a family of two halves, me and dad and mum and my brother. When they separated I felt very alone. Not unloved by mum but my second place in the pecking order became very evident.

My dad was inconsistent with contact and it eventually ceased altogether several years ago, despite my best efforts. Poor mum had a history of mental health issues and when she died almost 2 years ago, although still in contact, I hadn't seen her for about 3 years.

I miss her, miss what we had and more than that what I came to realise we'd never had.

My mother was"difficult" (to say the least! lol ?), and I did think, briefly, when I first got married (too young, to get away from her), about estranging her.

But, I didn't do it, because I was very close to my Dad, and I knew the effect it would have on him.

She was great, on a practical level, but totally lacking, with me, on any sort of supportive level. She was the mistress of the constant put-downs and criticism.

But, from a young teenager onwards, I learnt that a passive smile and a bland look, then doing as I liked anyway, took the wind out of her sails. She had nowhere to go with it.,

When I had my kids, I thought I'd wait and see, as I wouldn't allow her to be the same with them - and I'm so glad I did hold off.

She was the most loving and supportive granny I could have hoped for. If I could have chosen a granny for them, I would have chosen her.

My kids adored her (and vice versa) and they still mourn her passing.

I helped look after her when she developed Alzheimer's, and I did it out duty, not love.

When she died, I felt no grief - just a regret that the relationship couldn't have been better and a huge sense of relief.

My kids and grandchildren don't know how I felt about her, and how she could be. And they never will.

Their memories of her are golden, and I wouldn't tarnish them.

I don't know why she was like she was. I don't need to know. It was what it was, and I don't need to relive the past, rehash it, and mull over over it.

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future.?

It's so sad when someone dies and you're left feeling regret that the relationship could have been better DiamondLily. It must have been bitter sweet to see your children have a better relationship with your mum than you had, but wonderful that you allowed that to happen and didn't keep their GM out of their lives.

It may have been a sense of duty that enabled you to look after her when she had Alzheimer's but it was still a selfless thing to do.

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future Amen to that.