Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future Absolutely right DiamondLily, the best revenge is a life well lived. And I revel in my revenge, with never a backward glance, daily!

Those articles are helpful, as is reading everyone else's experiences.

I think my mother seeks co-dependence. It's hard to push back against that when any attempt to set boundaries means you are wrong or the problem or being difficult.

I have pushed back when it really mattered but it's been hard.

It's also hard when she's allowed us to be mistreated then pleaded lack of power, when really, it was just easier for her not to stand up for us.

Mostly I'm upset at myself for not pushing back from the beginning but I suppose it isn't realistic to undo the learned patterns of a lifetime as soon as I left home.

Mandrake This article is wonderful and really worth the time to read.

If you have a difficult childhood, so many skills in life can be missing and it can be hard to learn later but it is possible.

With parents it doesn't end with childhood it can carry on well into adulthood and it can continue with other relationships too. There are always going to be people in life that look for those they see as weak or susceptible to mistreat.

Healing provides us with those tools needed to keep ourselves safe. We can learn to recognise unhealthy people, to set boundaries to keep them distant, to disengage from drama or arguments and to choose self care.

Healing is a journey, not a destination. Personal growth is ongoing.

When we can recognise the toxicity for what it is, we can avoid it in others and eliminate it in ourselves. The journey is what helps us achieve that and every step matters, even if things get harder for a while or we take a wrong turn and have to backtrack. That makes us the lucky ones. Some AC continue the cycle and become toxic themselves.

Sorry can't sleep thoughts and nearly forgot the link! It really helped me

mindwellnyc.com/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/

That's a very good article, VioletSky. I relate to so much, especially under the discrediting thoughts and emotions heading.

Safe to say that I haven't done to my own children because I know how it feels. I've done the very opposite because of my own experiences.

It's great that you've broken the cycle Mandrake as not everyone does.

It takes time to undo unhealthy patterns learned in childhood and time to create the boundaries you need to keep yourself safe. Being told when you do so that you're wrong and you're the problem is all part of the pattern of coercive control and emotional abuse.

maddyone I can imagine I would feel the same in your position and i havent ruled it out because if it transpires one day that I am the only one willing/able to ensure my norher is taken care of I know I won't be able to say no. She might get a bit of a shock that I am a completely different person now with much better mental and physical health and plenty of ways to cope with her behaviour.

Mandrake good for you, keep making the world a better place one generation at a time. Teaching our own children their value and not to take nonsense from toxic people ?

Lol that was a strange auto correct for "mother", i guess my phone isnt used to seeing that word

Smileless, that last sentence really touched me. I’m sure you loved your mom and she loved you. ?

Thank you Allsorts .

Occasionally when all my children are at home and we watch a film, we pick something I loved when I was younger.

Today's was Drop Dead Fred.

Now I know why I loved it so much having not woken up to my childhood the last time I saw it.

I guess we have always known about abuse cycles and toxic parents really.

It's worth a watch of you haven't seen it. Hilariously funny with a bit of sadness and some triumph thrown in.

Loved Drop Dead Fred as did my ACs when they were kids.

I just wanted to say that I bookmarked this thread and have found some comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in having survived an abusive childhood with parents that were not suited to each other and were not willing to put the needs of their children first. So thank you VioletSky ❤️. I am fine btw - there are just times when ‘something’ sparks a memory .. and I’m back there ?. Hugs to all x

Glad you found us SunshineSally. Completely understand what you mean.

I can talk about my mother without emotion now, more actual fascination into how she is as she is and her behaviour.

But yes, some things do trigger, even when you learn to recognise them and it is tough sometimes

I thought I would place this here..

I don't know why it's taking me so long to get through the books! I used to read at speed..

A nice short article is sometimes needed instead lol

www.mentalfloss.com/article/93521/7-tips-eliminating-toxic-people-your-life

Always make time for yourself and the things that matter to you

VS - wanted to let you know about this book. I have heard parts of her story in the past so I knew her relationship with her mom was not good. I may add this to my reading list.

www.yahoo.com/entertainment/jennette-mccurdy-details-dark-side-160000071.html

Sorry, that is a US Yahoo link. In case you don't want to click it, it is Jenette McCurdy from the US series iCarly. Her book is called I'm Glad My Mother Died.

Let me try this again.

Jenette McCurdy from the US tv show iCarly and the book is called I'm Glad My Mom Died.

People that are still recovering forty years later, from dreadful childhood abuse, so bad that everyday it's on their mind and they talk about it, so obviously it's a constant presence and problem. Yet despite all that they go on and find a partner and raise their own families. How do they separate that anxiety from their children when it's always there? How do they compartmentalise emotions so obviously close to the surface to concentrate on their own families?

Allsorts

People that are still recovering forty years later, from dreadful childhood abuse, so bad that everyday it's on their mind and they talk about it, so obviously it's a constant presence and problem. Yet despite all that they go on and find a partner and raise their own families. How do they separate that anxiety from their children when it's always there? How do they compartmentalise emotions so obviously close to the surface to concentrate on their own families?

This is something that I have wondered about also. Is it harder for women to recover from an abusive mother than it is from an abusive father? Mothers are traditionally the nurturers and carers and the template for your own mothering skills so does that make an abusive mother more difficult to recover from?

Allsorts, I don't think it's possible. I do some things the complete opposite to my childhood because of how I know those things made me feel and I don't want that for my children. But that's still a decision made due to my own baggage and, no doubt, sometimes I've compensated too far the other way.

Thank you imaround

Interesting posts Allsorts and Mandrake.

I think the majority of mothers and fathers make parenting decisions based on their own childhood experiences, both good and bad.

Allsorts

I've answered that question from you many times and I am happy to do so again but...

How will the answer help you?

Smileless2012

Interesting posts Allsorts and Mandrake.

I think the majority of mothers and fathers make parenting decisions based on their own childhood experiences, both good and bad.

I agree. I tried to keep the "good bits" of my mother's parenting (and there were some), and do things completely differently with the other stuff.

We all get bits right with parenting, we all get bits wrong.

We just, usually, do our best. ?

As you say DL we get bits right and we get bits wrong and usually do our best.

Smileless2012

As you say DL we get bits right and we get bits wrong and usually do our best.

Parenting is a hard job - you do your best, and hope that they turn out ok.

I'm glad I haven't got younger children today - what with easy access to drugs and online abuse etc.

It's even harder than it was.?

Me too DL it must be a constant worry.