Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

I would say that some of the unhappiness at BS was a lot about the poor regime at that school.

A decent BS would have excellent pastoral care, and this didn't/doesn't always happen.?

I don't think you can blame children if they didn't/aren't thriving there.

This thread is about recovering from an unloving mother. Boarding school really has nothing to do with it and was brought up only in relation to ACES.

If BS is a topic that people want to discuss, it needs a separate thread.

No worries Madgran and as you say, any suggestion that for example someone who experienced ACES during their childhood is akin to suggesting that an EP 'must have done something wrong'.

I agree DL children can't be blamed for not thriving at BS and/or for not finding it an overall positive experience and parents can't be blamed for sending their child if it was done for the best of intentions, unless of course they know their child is unhappy and insist that they stay.

This thread is about other people's estranged children, not about anyone here and no oresence is needed to defend that. For the adult child recovering from an unloving mother who is estranged, their estranged parent is in the wrong

This is a support thread

And no one has suggested otherwise.

Smileless2012

And no one has suggested otherwise.

well there has been some suggestion, by several posters, that the things we unloved/abused adult children are talking of are less important, less real, less relevant than we think they are. there has been some posting by people suggesting their "experiences" (or their friends' or relatives' experiences) are more or equally relevant than ours. there have been suggestions that we don't know when our feelings are being swept aside by others who are not in our situation.

i shall repeat what violetsky said: this is a support thread. let's keep it that way.

I would never send a child away from home at such a young age.Never. I would not sleep at night knowing my children could be in a vulnerable situation, someone I love very much went, he coped could well look after himself, however he said no child of his would ever go, he hated it and felt dumped there, he would rather not have any children than inflict that on them. I dare say lots cope but it’s not worth the risk in my eyes.
I do think people react in different ways to experiences most if us have had some thing to cope with, it’s how you react to it that matters, you either move on despite everything or constantly mull it over, rehashing everything, it’s gone, it needn’t ruin your life. I am not talking about personality disorders or mental illness, don’t know how or if there is a cure.

i'm so glad you wouldn't send a child away allsorts. but why do you say the other things? i thought that we'd just established that this is a support thread, for people with toxic parents/abuse issues. why do you feel the need to suggest they deliberately "mull" and "hash" something that, in your opinion, is gone? if you haven't something positive or useful to say ...

if there's a kerbstone at the edge of a pavement, and hundreds of times every day people step down from it without mishap, but one day after many years someone steps down and breaks their ankle, do we say they shouldn't make a fuss about it, just learn to live with it? no we don't. we assume that they stepped at an unfortunate angle, or have osteoporosis, or something else that made their unique experience unique. we still allow them medical treatment to fix the break, and offer them sympathy for their pain. possibly even offer help in getting in their shopping etc.
can you not understand, or at least accept, that it's the same for other obstacles in life?

Really riete have the things you've referred too in your post @ 16.23 on this thread, because TBH I haven't seen any. I really don't think that someone posting of an experience they found positive, or friends and family did that someone else didn't, is suggesting that theirs is more or equally relevant.

Or suggesting that the feelings of those whose experience was vastly different are sweeping aside your feelings.

We are all aware that this is a support thread, and as you'll have seen from the support thread for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, as I'm sure you posted there, a variety of experiences, both good and bad are shared.

There certainly hasn't been any unpleasantness on this thread thank goodness, that was witnessed else where and not that long ago.

You asked earlier for someone to start the ball rolling on the issue of forgiveness which I have done. Maybe you've missed it, it comes after yours and I would be interested on your own thoughts on the subject.

For me, I think we do have to try to find a way of living with the events of our past and TBF that is what those who contribute to the estrangement forum do appear to be doing.

That doesn't mean that the significance of those events and the pain they caused ever disappear. For some it does diminish over time but even when that happens, it never goes away completely.

No, I couldn't have sent our boys to BS either Allsorts. It's very sad that someone looking back on their own experience feels they were dumped and hated it.

Do you know if he ever talked to his parents about it and whether or not being sent to BS had a detrimental affect on his relationship with his parents?

I finally had a chance to read the article on 7 steps VS, while sitting here after my 3 mile walk waiting for some Motrin to kick in.

I 100% agree with them all. I spent most of the last year on step 6 and 7, which has helped me come to terms with my past and has allowed me to help take care of my mom after my father's death.

To me, understanding was key. But I had to go through the other steps to rebuild my strength and confidence first.

A 3 mile walk imaround that's quite a distance.

It's good that you've been able to come to terms with your past and that that has enabled you to help look after your mum following the death of your father.

I can see how understanding was key. I still have no understanding of the major traumatic events in my own life and TBH doubt I ever will have, but thankfully I've still managed to rebuild my strength and confidence.

Yes, I am walking 3 miles 5 days a week now.

The strength and confidence needs to come before the understanding, as the article suggests. IMO there is no understanding until you have the strength and confidence.

Some people choose to seek, others choose to not seek. Everyone has their own path.

That's impressive imaround good for you.

Well it isn't a lack of strength and confidence that prevents my understanding, it's the lack absence of any answers because the questions cannot be asked.

The person responsible for the abuse I suffered as a child is dead, and had already died when the flash backs came and I started to remember, and you can't get answers when you can't ask the questions, because the person concerned refuses any and all contact.

It makes the process harder, but not impossible.

riete we see it, we know what it is and why it happens, you are never alone

thank you violetsky - that is indeed comforting to know.

imaround

I finally had a chance to read the article on 7 steps VS, while sitting here after my 3 mile walk waiting for some Motrin to kick in.

I 100% agree with them all. I spent most of the last year on step 6 and 7, which has helped me come to terms with my past and has allowed me to help take care of my mom after my father's death.

To me, understanding was key. But I had to go through the other steps to rebuild my strength and confidence first.

thanks for that imaround.
more when i've read it myself.

Smileless: That is why we all have our own path. Of course there are no answers to be had sometimes. And of course people can gain strength and confidence without the answers and understanding.

Riete: Obviously, as I stated, each person has their own path. Mine fit the article exactly, which surprised me.

Once I estranged, I was able to take a breath and heal, then gain the strength and confidence. Only then was I ready to try and understand why my mother is the way she is.

I knew she was a victim of her mother, but did not fully get the depth of it until I had the freedom to slow down and look out of her line of fire.

Forgiveness is still an undecided topic for me. I am not sure really if I have forgiven her, or even if I want/need to. But understanding her has allowed me to realize that what happened was not really personal.

What understanding has done for me is allow me to see her as the damaged child she was, which led to her being who she is now.

It is a difficult journey that has taken me several years and lots of therapy.

I agree imaround that we all have our own path and if it's the right one for us, then it's the right path to follow.

What you've said about forgiveness is the same for me in relation to my abuser and for me, as long as not forgiving doesn't lead to a life time of bitterness, anger and a desire for revenge, I don't think it matters whether forgiveness is there or not.

I found what you said about you realising that what happened wasn't really personal very interesting. In relation to my abuser I'd never considered that. You've given me something to think about so thank you.

I find Forgiveness endlessly intriguing. I’ve tried to find a better way to describe my feelings about forgiveness. ‘ Intriguing’ could sound as though I’m emotionally distancing from the idea of forgiveness but that wouldn’t be accurate
Someone I have great affection and respect for suggested it isn’t our job to forgive if that’s beyond us, we can leave that to God. The person had a strong Christian faith and of course forgiveness is significant in thst faith

Forgiving a stranger who abused us is probably less challenging than forgiving a parent. I don’t believe forgiveness is necessary as part of healing. I do believe learning how to take care of ourselves, to forgive ourselves for not getting everything right. Is essential

Even were forgiveness necessary, and I don't agree it is as I shared with the article, it's hard to forgive someone while they are still causing any suffering and given the physical health problems caused by ACEs that may never happen.

I forgive myself though, for allowing n abuser to have a hold over me for too long and for allowing others to use trigger buttons she installed in childhood to hurt me as an adult.

A work in progress is good enough

"we can leave that to God" yes as a Christian I understand that Iam but also as a Christian you can be made to feel pressurised into giving forgiveness.

I agree that forgiveness isn't necessary as a part of healing, but if being unable to forgive means that the negative emotions I referred to earlier impact on ones life, it can hinder the healing process.

Iam64

I have a few women friends who enjoyed boarding school.
I’ve never met a man who wasn’t wretched at BS. I have 5 close male friends now aged 50-73. Without exception, they hated BS and still feel traumatised by their time there. They still struggle with intimacy, would never send their own children to BS

My DH boarded from the age of seven and enjoyed most of it as did many of his friends. It’s not true that men who were boarders don’t send their own sons to boarding school. We know many who did just that and their sons are all quite normal and leading interesting lives. Our own sons were day boys at a local boarding school. One of our sons boarded quite happily in his final year at his prep school.

How do you know that these men still struggle with intimacy, you’re not married to them. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Very good point VS. We are enough.

We were always good enough