Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

the thing about “the boarding school experience”, apart from the fact that people differ as to its effect on survivors, is that actually for some of those who found it an extremely negative experience it was a part of their childhood abuse. thus it became a part of their “to estrange or not to estrange” experience. nothing anyone can say about how positive the experience was for them will change that fact.

the other thing worth noting here is that, so far as i can see, no one has posted about their own positive boarding school experience. several have posted about what they claim to be a positive experience, but it was the experience of a friend or relative or neighbour two doors down. i think (and yes, as a poster my view is as valid as anyone’s) that this is probably the worst aspect of the posts people have made about boarding school on this thread.

we did discuss, briefly, the option to avoid boarding school in our discussion of childhood abuse. but it seemed to be a consensus that we don’t want to separate too many aspects. i also suggested that someone could, if they were intent on discussing boarding school including “positive aspects”, that they could and should do so; but i hoped it wouldn’t be on the estrangement forum.

DiamondLily

But BS was and is positive for some.

Same as a normal day school - sone children will thrive, others will hate every day of it.

That's the reality, but a good experience in things doesn't mean people can't empathise with a bad experience.

well of course empathy, and the ability to empathise, are huge topics in any discussion of childhood abuse and trauma.
for myself, i don’t see it as empathetic to hold up an example of something that traumatised a person in childhood, and insist on discussing it. especially, as just mentioned, when there’s really no need to because it wasn’t your own experience.

actually i think that aces (adverse childhood experiences) were brought up as an important aspect of our discussion, and i hope they’ll be a topic of much discussion.

pinkquartz

my mum was also very abusive towards me. She was in and out of mental hospital from the time I was born.
That in the long run helped me to have compassion and understand why she was so messed up.
But I never stopped being afraid of her as she had a very cruel tongue and had often beaten me as well up to the age of 16.

Now she is 88 and dying of Liver Cancer. I am too ill to travel to see her.
I feel that there is no closure....our relationship is unfinished.
I don't feel any or much anger towards her anymore. I mostly feel very sad or numb.

Has anyone else on here coped with this situation? How did you handle it? I do wish I could go to see here but my health is too bad now. Yesterday my brother who does live close to her told me she isn't really aware or receptive anymore.
I also won't be able to attend her funeral. Though I believe I can handle that as I am more spiritual than religious.

hi pink quartz. my situation was not the same as yours, but it certainly had its similarities.
you have my admiration, particularly for finding the compassion and understanding.
the only suggestion i can make here is to take your namesake in your hand and use it to muster more strength.
[do you know how to pick up a pm?]

Thank you for replying Violet Sky.

I have done written a letter a few years ago but i can do thus again

I am also the eldest child.

reite

yes and yes. I have many pieces of PQ though they are in need of a good cleansing.

please do send a pm

Something that helped me a lot riete and pinkquartz

I used this to write a sort of journal

I read each one and wrote down examples of each one. As many examples as I needed to.

It applies to narcissistic mothers so it's best to read it first, if it doesn't apply I can probably find one for addicted or alcoholic but sometimes those things take away empathy and so this article still applies.

But it's all in a note pad, and when I start to feel guilty or wobbly I take it out and I say to myself, This is your mother, you didn't break her and you can't fix her.

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

I also think that writing a letter may help to bring you closure Pinkquartz. Even if because of her illness she'd be unable to read it or understand if it was read out to her, you'll say what perhaps you've never said before.

It really can be very therapeutic .

Well it’s over. Mum died peacefully on Sunday. My (estranged) sister came down and also her daughter (my very much loved niece) came down with her husband. My sister has long standing mental health issues, probably exacerbated by her childhood with our mother, but the result is she’s estranged from two of her four children, estranged from me, and barely speaks to a third child. It’s difficult with her here living in my house but she’s mum’s child and I feel it’s her right to be here whilst we make arrangements. She’s going home on Friday.
I loved my mum, but I disliked intensely all the horrible things she did and said. It’s so complex.

maddyone

Please take care of yourself too during this difficult time. We are here for you

maddy my sincere condolences . Losing your mum is always hard but I think even harder when the relationship was so difficult.

I hope you will find comfort in the knowledge that despite the way she was, you did all that you could to ensure she was well cared for and continued to see her on a regular basis even though it was at times extremely difficult and upsetting for you.

She was fortunate to have you for a daughter.

Thank you.
I keep having a little cry. I did love my mum, often children do, despite everything. I sat with her for two hours after she died.
My sister is causing me the stress, shouting at my ever patient husband over funeral dates. She didn’t care if dates meant two of my three children couldn’t come so long as all four of hers can come, even though she’s estranged from two of them. Of course I want my niece and nephews to come. I adore my niece especially. My own daughter can’t come, she considered it but she’s in New Zealand this year. So I wanted both my sons to be able to come.

If your husband is strong enough maddy maybe just let him take that for the time being.

Is it possible try and get out of the house together for short periods to get a break from her? maybe a walk would help.

I can see that there may be problems ahead at the funeral with your sister and her estranged children. Can husband run interference there too? Or do you have a strong friend who can do it?

Grief here will come touched by anger and relief and that is completely normal but is a lot to deal with. If counselling would help you, you can self refer

Wish I could do something more to help

Anyone who has read your posts will know you loved your mum maddy. Thank goodness you have your lovely H by your side and I hope that you'll be able to ensure that the date that's chosen is one on which your sons can attend.

Funeral arrangements are stressful and upsetting at the best of times and I was thankful that my brother played no part in organising mum's. It would have been all about him and what he wanted.

You said she goes home Friday so just two more days to get through and then you'll have the space and peace you need.

.

Thank you to both of you.
Yes my sister leaves on Friday. I offered for her to stay here when she returns for the funeral, but now I wish I hadn’t.
I just feel that I’ve tried to do the right thing despite our estrangement but when she leaves after the funeral I don’t want to have anymore contact with her. I may send a Christmas card but that’ll be it. I can’t stand her selfishness.
She’s just told me that she came down to stay with mum every time we went away. She did come a couple of times, but that was all. My family picked up the slack with extra visits and shopping for her. I find my sister’s lies quite difficult to deal with.

That's perfectly understandable maddy. You have done the right thing and something that not everyone is your situation could have done.

It was good of you to offer for her to stay for the funeral. It's very difficult dealing with a liar, I'm not surprised you're finding it hard on top of everything else and once the funeral is over, you can limit any contact and at last be able to put your own well being first.

I hope you've managed to agree on a date. There's a lot to do so take each day at a time.

maddy - it's difficult when a mother you didn't get on with dies, as it's all mixed emotions.

You did your best, and that's all any of us can do. You didn't abandon her, which is commendable, and you can take comfort from that.

Get the funeral over and you can go very low contact with your sister, and get on with your life, with a lot of the stress gone.

Best wishes.?

I am do sorry for your loss Maddy

Just ran across this article today. im going to have to process and re-read it again, but wanted to share it.

www.yahoo.com/news/echoists-prone-narcissistic-emotionally-abusive-120020287.html

Thank you imaroud I've been working on this

Thank you ladies, your support is so much appreciated. You’re right DL about the mixed emotions. I miss the old lady who looked so frail and poorly at the end, but since she died I keep having flashbacks of the many times she was emotionally cruel to me. The things she said that were so hurtful keep echoing louder than ever in my mind. Planning her funeral is difficult because of this.

I think the link you provided imaround is partly me. I spent a lifetime of trying to please my mother, and to do the right thing by her. The only thing my sister and I can talk about and agree about, is all the things that happened when were children. She told me she didn’t feel loved as a child. I reminded her that our dad loved us. I think in her own, needy way my mother did probably love us, but my husband has long said that mum didn’t love anyone and didn’t know what love was. I suppose it doesn’t matter now, she’s gone.

No, it doesn't really matter now. People are what they are, whatever the causes. It can't be changed now.

With my mother, I felt a strange disconnect at the funeral, afterwards I had times of regret that the relationship couldn't have been better, and remembering the past.

But, like most people, she did have sone good points, so I focused more on them. I couldn't rewrite the past, and there was little point in wasting energy trying to do so.

Eleven years on, I barely think of her, and I've got no feelings about it either way. It was what it was.

Memories do fade, in time.

Best wishes.?

I'm sorry for your loss MaddyOne. It was a difficult relationship but she was still your mother. This sort of event brings up so much to process.

Sincere condolences Maddy x

maddy

I wonder if these flashbacks are happening because the relationship is finally over and you have set aside your own needs and feelings for so long hoping to have a good mother daughter relationship.

The same happened when I estranged, the memories just kept coming.

What really helped me was to acknowledge them in counselling.

I have a friend who was only free from her mother after she died and for a long time she stamped down those memories because that's not how she wanted to remember her mother and she wanted to hold on to the good. In the end though it made her quite unwell and she finally sought to accept the reality about 10 years later. This had the benefit of improving all her relationships, made her happier and she was finally able to stop doing the thing that eventually took her mother... drinking.

All those bad memories, they are wounds that need to heal.

The best you can probably do is to understand your mother and why she was as she was, which seems to help a lot of us on this thread. Understand why she was as she is so that you can see your wounds and heal them.

You deserved better.

Whether we reach a moment in our lives where our minds and bodies say, we can't be around this person and survive or they pass away...

We deserve to grieve, understand and heal