Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

EMDR really is having a profound effect, especially for those whose brain has "hidden" childhood trauma. I was surprised by how effective it was for my oldest.

imaround I'm so glad it helped your eldest

It's disappointing its not on the NHS but maybe I can figure it out

It's great that this is being so beneficial to your eldest imaround .

Thank you for recommending Your not crazy it's your mother'. Just finished this made me laugh and cry and helped me enormously it answered all my big unanswered questions. Thankyou.

BigBertha1

Thank you for recommending Your not crazy it's your mother'. Just finished this made me laugh and cry and helped me enormously it answered all my big unanswered questions. Thankyou.

You are so welcome!

By support vs, you seem to be saying agreeing with what is said. Surely everyone,deals with things in their own way
. it's not saying think like me, just this is my perspective on my experiences. Opinions vary.

Sometimes people ask for boundaries Allsorts because they are finding something upsetting and confusing.

Like arguing or discussing that boarding school is a positive in the same place that others need support as they have experienced it negatively or they are trying to support others who experienced it negatively.

If it doesn't hurt me to respect a boundary like that.

Especially when I could just discuss the pros and cons of boarding school somewhere else and get to have my opinion where it won't cause confusion or upset

omg, what a lot of disruptive posts here – some really look like deliberate attempts to disrupt and derail. but big thanks to violetsky and summerlove and anyone else who’s tried to clarify, explain, calm.
i did wonder whether i should answer some of the posts directed at me, but it does rather look as though those who don’t want to understand still don’t want to understand. i’d be very happy to take the time to explain myself, but i wonder whether we’d be better off trying to sort out who this thread is intended for, and where other posters would be better off reading and posting?

just for now i’ll limit myself to something positive that might be a little bit uplifting for anyone who’s tuned into this thread for support and/or understanding.
and perhaps we can start with a clean slate tomorrow? – to which end i’m going to copy violetsky’s post, to try to avoid it getting lost in the quagmire.)

Argument Clinic - Monty Python - The Secret Policeman's Balls - Bing video - Search

whoops, that was supposed to be a link, but looks like it'll have to be a cut n paste
www.bing.com/search?q=Argument+Clinic+-+Monty+Python+-+The+Secret+Policeman%27s+Balls+-+Bing+video+-+Search&form=ANNNB1&refig=727b12aade584029a10712702311e8f4

VioletSky

The Body Keeps The Score

We are now coming to chapters about how memories are stored which are really interesting and informative.

Some people remember abuse and store it with usual memories and some store those memories traumatically after disasosciating during the event itself.

I was somewhere in between, I always knew I was abused but in adult life some memories came in a different way, as if they were happening now.

Things were triggering them, words or touch or smells that reminded me of them.

(I'm sorry, I really am trying not to be detailed here)

I found this very difficult to cope with, it wasn't like remembering, it was more like them happening right now. So I didn't trust them completely.

The book explains that actually trauma memories that might not show us the whole picture and might have a strong association with a certain feeling or touch or smell, are actually very reliable. Eventually they can be put together like a jigsaw puzzle. Normal memories can be changed to a degree.

It's so interesting how a trauma memory is stored versus a normal memory.

An example in the book was a child who had been in a severe accident and the mother could only remember the wound itself, not what led up to it or what happened afterwards

The book also mentions talk therapy (counseling) was used to help place those disordered trauma memories back where they belonged so our bodies could stop playing them out and feeling like they were happening now. Which I think has worked well for me personally but might not for everyone.

Talk therapy is not apparently as successful as EMDR therapy which I am starting to think I would really like to do.

this book really does look worth a read violetsky. thanks for sharing with us.

Oh dear riete I think we have a similar sense of humour lol

Asking if it's the 'full half hour argument' has been standard in this Python living house for years.

Does anyone remember this
Yesterday's history
Tomorrow a mystery
All we have is today

Allsorts

Does anyone remember this
Yesterday's history
Tomorrow a mystery
All we have is today

I think that was out of Kung Fu Panda - Sanvello..

Another one, similar is:

"Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.” – Bil Keane.12 Sept 2014

Nice sayings. ?

?. Yes, another of mine is all will be well, all is well ?

It does come across that way Allsorts and this all seems to stem from a discussion about BS's.

One poster LucyLocket spoke of her bad experience and I responded with a sympathetic and understanding post. A few posters spoke of their own, or someone they know who found it a positive experience and that's resulted in accusations of crossing boundaries, being unsympathetic, putting ones' own needs and opinion before the feelings of another and now, we have deliberate attempts to disrupt and derail the thread.

For me, the only things that risk disrupting or derailing this or any thread are unsubstantiated allegations which appear to be an attempt to silence those who don't agree with everything they're reading here.

I find it very strange that anyone would assume that because they're being disagreed with, the person disagreeing must be lacking in understanding.

Yes, they are both nice sayings, I particularly like the one you posted DL.

That's a shame but we can work around it it.

I'm really getting there with The Body Keeps The Score. Its been a hard read but so interesting.

I think it's going to start talking about healing soon

Smileless2012: For me, the only things that risk disrupting or derailing this or any thread are unsubstantiated allegations which appear to be an attempt to silence those who don't agree with everything they're reading here.

I find it very strange that anyone would assume that because they're being disagreed with, the person disagreeing must be lacking in understanding.

Insisting on agreement, apart from absurd ridiculousness, is quite counterproductive to discussion.

OK thanks for sharing Norah. Obviously I didn't agree with Smileless that it was OK to say BS was positive for some here but I did agree with Smileless when she said that what might be serious to one is not always serious to another and with so many threads to choose from, if there is something that you don't like or don't agree with, you don't have to participate.

But BS was and is positive for some.

Same as a normal day school - sone children will thrive, others will hate every day of it.

That's the reality, but a good experience in things doesn't mean people can't empathise with a bad experience.

my mum was also very abusive towards me. She was in and out of mental hospital from the time I was born.
That in the long run helped me to have compassion and understand why she was so messed up.
But I never stopped being afraid of her as she had a very cruel tongue and had often beaten me as well up to the age of 16.

Now she is 88 and dying of Liver Cancer. I am too ill to travel to see her.
I feel that there is no closure....our relationship is unfinished.
I don't feel any or much anger towards her anymore. I mostly feel very sad or numb.

Has anyone else on here coped with this situation? How did you handle it? I do wish I could go to see here but my health is too bad now. Yesterday my brother who does live close to her told me she isn't really aware or receptive anymore.
I also won't be able to attend her funeral. Though I believe I can handle that as I am more spiritual than religious.

pinkquartz

I'm so sorry to hear that

Maybe you can find some closure a different way? By healing yourself and moving on.

I've been estranged for a while now but I found it it took me a great deal of time to let go of the hope that she might change and love me as she was supposed to.

Maybe you need to allow yourself to grieve the relationship you didn't have and that will help you.

I really don't think you need to go and see her, especially if your health isn't good.

Maybe you could write a letter to her, everything you need to say, and then destroy it. Maybe that would help?

Not sure why people cant understand that this thread has nothing to do with boarding school. That was only brought up in regards to ACES, which was only brought up in regards to abuse in childhood.

That is why posters looking for support here are upset. Not because of a disagreement regarding boarding school, but because this thread isn't about boarding school.

Those who continue to insist we talk about boarding school are disrupting the intended topic of the thread. I wonder why because it has been asked multiple times to please leave it alone.

When someone tries to disrupt the friendship thread, these same people gather up in arms and work together to stop it.

It all seems very hypocritical at the very least.

can't quite say you're getting to the good bit, there's been so much valuable info in there!
i've almost finished the book i want to finish before i get started on the body keeps the score. anyone else?