Letter to my Estranged Child

Onward your son clearly has issues, whatever has gone wrong with him could be far more complex than just estrangement.

I would, in your position, work on becoming stronger myself so that I could support him back to health when he realises he needs help.

It's a mixed bag here I know, AC who will never speak to parents again, EP who will never forgive their adult children for estranging....

There are also many other paths that may be better for you, not just the ones with the biggest signposts

Yes VioletSky because he has not made it clear that he has definitely estranged. I think perhaps he does not know himself what he wants. I read a post online ( he probably has no idea I saw it) where he admitted that he had serious personality changes due to drugs. I realised there was a problem when my DiL sent me a photo of him a few months ago and he did not resemble the son I knew. I am hoping he has given himself a fright and is coming out of that place gradually.

It is a mixed bag, indeed.

Did you mean GN has the bigger signpost? I'm not sure what paths you are referring to, but I have been happy to post here.

That may be a positive Onward, perhaps a first step if your son can see that drugs change his personality. Addiction in any form is notoriously difficult to overcome but seeing that you have a problem, and seeing the negative impact your addiction is having on you and those around you, is often the trigger to seeking help.

I hope this is the case with your son.

Onward, is your daughter in law worried too? do they have children?

It sounds quite complicated

OnwardandUpward when I say this I often get told its a contradiction but for me there is always a way back. I could reconsile in the right conditions if my mother were to heal herself and take responsibility.

I also know that my part in that is over. It is not my place to push her to seek that help and I know there is no chance that she will.

So I live with two truths, I could forgive but I know she will not ask to be forgiven.

All the time that my close family comes to me from a place where my estranging is worse than the reasons I did it, nothing can ever change.

I choose very carefully whose advice and influence I listen to because estrangement is not a good thing for anyone and I can't lock the door.. I just haven't left it open either.

"... estrangement is not a good thing for anyone ..."

So very true - even when it is needed.

What really bothers me about this issue is how estrangement is encouraged by so many on social media in every situation. How proud some adult children are that they now have the power to strike back. How some parents can not recognize that their adult offspring deserve their respect.

It is worrying Onstrike. I came across some resarch the other day that suggested 1 in 4 American AC are estranged from family and a poster on GN has seen that that figure is 1 in 5 for the UK.

research

Smileless you should also look into the research around children by the government or organisations like the NSPCC

From the Office for National Statistics

freedomfromthepast your post @ 23.28 was just about the best, most intelligent and well balanced post I've ever seen on any of the estrangement threads. You conveyed exactly my own feelings on this subject, without resorting to passive aggression, drama or blaming any one party over another. Thank you for such a mature and well balanced post.

And if ALL estrangements were due to child abuse VioletSky your reference to the NSPCC & ONS websites would be relevant.

Actually, you aren't looking at the full picture Chewbacca

There is a strong link between those statistics but many children/adult children do not talk about abuse and stay silent.

There are adult children who cannot talk about what their other family members did so they may distance from the whole family to avoid a sibling or an uncle or someone else.

There are children who are traumatised outside the family and that may result in mental illness or other mental health issues that leads them to abusive relationships in the future.

I've talked about this at length before

Whatever.

VioletSky

Actually, you aren't looking at the full picture Chewbacca

There is a strong link between those statistics but many children/adult children do not talk about abuse and stay silent.

There are adult children who cannot talk about what their other family members did so they may distance from the whole family to avoid a sibling or an uncle or someone else.

There are children who are traumatised outside the family and that may result in mental illness or other mental health issues that leads them to abusive relationships in the future.

I've talked about this at length before

I don’t usually post on estrangement threads. I’ve seen it from both sides.

But violetsky statistically (statistics as a mathematical science)the two figures you quote are not linked. They prove nothing.

Just because two figures are the same doesn’t mean there is a link between them.

There is an incredible amount of literature on the subject Peasblossom from the origins of why people repeat past trauma in relationships to how there are links between addiction and ACES.

Obviously the statistics being the same doesn't automatically explain the many situations that lead to estrangement but there is a link between the two in my opinion and from what I have read on the subject.

This is why if my children ever estranged me I would be more worried about what they could be going through that I might not know.

I don’t dispute the accounts.

It’s just that statistically there is no link.

I’m a bit pedantic, I know, but I couldn’t let such an inaccurate statement pass.

Even thinking a link is obvious doesn’t actually count as a correlation. It is, as you said, just an opinion.

Thank you Chewbaca, that means a lot to me.

Peasblossom I hope it is something we will understand in future and that incidences of ACEs and estrangement will fall.

Ha, ha. You’ve just made the link again where none (to our knowledge) exists.?

You absolutely cannot say no link, I'm happy to compromise and say that more research needs to be done into why estrangement happens but there are EC posting here who were abused by their parents... Unless you deny that, it's a link.

We may in future understand why people drink to excess and be able to prevent accidents caused by drinking. proven link between accidents and drunken behaviour.

We may in future understand why people drink to excess and as a result the birth rate will be fall. No proven link between drunkenness and birth rates. Though we might all have an opinion about it.

We can base future planning on the first and be reasonably sure our hypothesis will stand.

If we base our planning on the second we could be seriously up the creek.

Can you see the difference?

OnwardandUpward,
I can relate with you as how you describe your son is like describing my son, the only difference between us is we are not estranged but have come very close, he knows he needs me more than I need him for my GS's. I have often thought about writing him a letter but to be honest it wouldn't make any difference. You have wrote your letter but are not going to send it, but I think sometimes something like this might make them think differently? Luckily I have the support of my OH and family and do feel sad the way son has turned out.

Peasblossom we already know the links in a lot of cases, read about ACEs, it's very interesting. We live in an age where incredible amounts of research has been done into addiction, mental health and adverse childhood experiences.

There are incredible amounts of research into adults traumatic experiences and their impacts.

Yet many deny these links and call younger generations snowflakes etc without wondering if the reasons why these things happen matter. They do

Yes, individually abuse is a casual link of estrangement. But not statistically until, as you say, further research is done. Because estrangement is not always caused by abuse and we don’t know what the proportions are.

Even then, because it is subjective, it would be difficult to quantify. If the EAC said they were abused and the parent said they were not, where would you place that statistically. You would need to have outside verification of abuse to make anything statistically valid.

I wouldn’t deny anybody’s individual feelings or experiences but your post making a link, other than for any specific individual, was simply not valid.