Letter to my Estranged Child

However nasty or downright vicious they are, just remember, that's the same tiny scrap you gave birth to, that wonderful baby, cute toddler, delightful child - all grown up. They are still in there (somewhere) so you still love them. They probably love you too. Whatever it is, they take it out on you. It's not fair.

Still, they need to know that you love them - but hate the behaviour - despite the rights or wrongs on each side.

My eldest went through a very spiteful stage when he was nineteen. I'd pop notes under his door, about his attitude and the way he was hurting the family. We just dreaded him coming home to shout, bully, criticise and try to dominate everyone.

One day, he brought home a friend from work. When he left the room, this chap said 'You must be so proud of him!' (He was earning very good money in a high pressure sales job.)

'No' I replied 'I'm ashamed of him. He comes home and is just downright nasty to his brother, his sisters - and me.'

The friend left and never spoke to him again. Word got around and the atmosphere changed at work. He left that job and began to recover. Gradually, my lovely son returned. I put it down to him grieving for his father, feeling lost - and trying to control his world.

A few years later, I apologised for being such a terrible mother back then - and expressed my great sadness that he didn't love me. 'I always loved you and the family' he said 'I was so scared, I was really not well - but I did love you - and I'm so sorry!'

Yes GranniesUnite it is definitely hard at this time of year. All of this has been a shock this year. Out of all of my kids, I did not expect this one to estrange. I always thought we were close. I was wrong (again!)

I'm so glad for you Hetty58 that your son turned around and apologised too. I have not said anything horrible to my son, but I am currently having some very negative feelings towards me for what he has put me through. Not just this year but he has been very selfish and nasty in general. I have always made allowances for him, on the grounds of MH- but I am thinking now that perhaps I have been too soft.

When looking at some holiday photos recently , my youngest remarked that his older brother had bullied him appallingly on that holiday. I was shocked that he had not told me sooner. I wonder whether I have tolderated too much over the years. My youngest is perfectly content without his older brother in our lives and does not want him to visit at all, which would also make it really hard for any reconciliation to take place. If it does happen at all, we would have to visit them.

"They are still in there (somewhere)" that's what we tell ourselves Hetty I have to believe that if only for the sake of our GC.

Those words from your son are priceless.

I want them to know and see the wonderful kind, loving and generous man he was so he can be a good role model to them.

I believe I'm better off without out ES in our lives too Allsorts and Onward Mr. S. goes from thinking that we are to not knowing.

I was thinking this morning how sick to death I am that we have to live with this crap day in, day out and it's always worse at this 'most wonderful time of year'.

I want my son to be a kind , good, caring and thoughtful young man who is a good example to his kids, as well Smileless I want this for mine and for all of us!

Not a surly, entitled, selfish, domineering, coercive son (like mine) who has deprived his children from knowing love from many generations of his family and cut them off without a care.

I know they are still in there. I wish they would remember who they are, where they are from and what's really important.

I think a letter telling her that you love her and always will might be more appropriate.

A bitter diatribe is not going to solve anything for anyone.

It’s hard to look back and recognise the mistakes you made. At the time you do the best you can

But it is a brave achievement to do it and to recognise mistakes and gain understanding. All credit to you Allsorts

Yes as you say Madgran "All credit to you Allsorts".

Yes all credit to you Allsorts. I've probably made loads of mistakes. But unless EAC tells me which ones they are upset about I can't apologise! I don't think an apology would work magic, in any case.

DS found me wrapping a large parcel and asked what it was. I showed him the gifts for my GC and he said it was pointless sending it for his brother's kids because it wouldn't change anything. I don't know what his brother has said to him, bit whatever it was made him estrange from his brother who estranged me! What a mess!

Anyhow, no idea if EAC will even accept the parcel. If he does not, we have a designated kids charity lined up where we have recently given a lot of things. At least it will do some good to someone but I will be sad for my GC if they are not allowed the gifts.

Onward and upward... I had 15 years of estrangement. I wondered why I bothered to keep trying. I kept things civil... and my AC returned, wanting to stay with me. Although wary, I allowed it, at times. Today , i was told, they wanted to burne down my home with me in it. An hour later, tea was being made and my bathroom blitzed. It hard not to know where they are coming from. And I often wish I was still estranged,,and could die in peace as I have a lot of medical issues. I think I loved them too much, and I am paying for it now

What do you mean User? Did they wreck your bathroom and hurt you? I feel so worried for you wanting to be estranged, it must be really bad. If they are abusive to you and you’re so unwell can’t you estrange them? You deserve to be cared for and treated properly, please do something now.?

User777 are you OK?

User7777 Im sorry I've only just seen your message That sounds very stressful. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

So they said they were thinking of burning the house down with you in it? And then an hour later they made you tea? Am I right in thinking your bathroom was blitzed as in cleaned? Or blitzed as in destructed?!

I think what I meant and maybe what you mean by loving too much is that maybe we didn't know how to set boundaries. At least, I know I didn't. I tolerated too much, always have done.

Also I want to ask, is your child Bipolar or is there some MH issues at work here? Those are some serious mood swings of which I have experienced in the past. I'm so sorry you feel like you were happier estranged, but I do understand, I do. My son put me through so much more than I could ever write here but feel free to PM me if you want to chat. If it were not for my GC, I think I would be enjoying the peace a lot more. I am conscious of the children's development and missing out on being a part of it. I am not missing any of my EAc's drama's. Perhaps I can't have one without the other.

Thanks for writing here. Please talk to someone. you need help. Here is a link that may help nipsa.org.uk/attachments/article/268/Adult_to_Parent.pdf It's for Ireland so you may need to find the appropriate area for you. Psychological abuse is still abuse. Please don't be alone with this.

Are you OK User? Please come and tell us that you are, your post was very worrying and upsetting to read.

"I often wish I was still estranged and could die in peace, I have a lot of medical issues". Would it be possible for you to lay down some boundaries? Not have your AC to your home but meet up somewhere else?

You need to feel safe and secure in your own home, a safe place so perhaps limiting or not allowing any meet ups there would be a good thing.

"You need to feel safe and secure in your own home, a safe place so perhaps limiting or not allowing any meet ups there would be a good thing." Yes, I agree with this Smileless

Please come back and talk User7777 PM me if you want to chat privately.

Honestly, I have never missed living with my son once he and his family moved out. It brought great strain when he and his family moved in and we believed it to be only temporary, only to find him extremely resistant to getting on his own two feet and using the GC as weapons to try and get his own way.

I think it's very hard when an adult child has had a taste of their own independence and then goes back to live with their parents for any reason. We also aren't used to living with extended families and this can also be a strain. Add to that abusive behaviour and/or Mental Health problems and you probably need professional help!

Don't stop talking

This may sound strange but I think one of the reasons our home feels safe is because our ES has never been here Onward.

We of course have those awful memories but apart of course from the continuation of our estrangement, nothing horrible has been or said or done here.

I knew that moving away would make a big positive difference to our lives, but I never thought it would be as beneficial as it has been.

Not something that everyone would want or be able to do but if you can, it's well worth seriously considering it.

This may sound strange but I think one of the reasons our home feels safe is because our ES has never been here Onward.

We of course have those awful memories but apart of course from the continuation of our estrangement, nothing horrible has been or said or done here.

That makes a lot if understandable sense Smileless

Thank you Madgran.

Smileless I can totally understand that, but we are not in a position to do so, unfortunately. I would absolutely love to win the lottery for two reasons. One to move house and two to finish off Soop's fund for her operation.

A fresh start would be wonderful. Ever since the driving licence was sent here and I realised they were using our address, I worry that we may get debt collectors at the door for things loans they may have taken out, using the driving licence as "proof" of living here.

I would love to move!

I am ok. They have gone, and want to return Xmas eve. I had my hat ripped off today. I got it back. But I think I need to move to a flat, whereby staff reside in the premises. I cannot understand this AC. Its a 36 year old, N.E.E.T. and has OCD and avoids responsibility for anything

Did you have your hat ripped off by your AC User? Please take whatever steps you need to ensure your physical and mental well being.

Regardless of your AC's problems, s/he has no right to treat you this way.

User7777 In their absence please phone the HourGlass Helpline wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services Their services are monday to Friday, but there is a 24 hour chat bot. They may also refer you to Adult Services (Social Services)

If not, please google "Adult Services out of hours number" to find support from Social Services ASAP if they come back and cause more trouble, or ring Adult Services first thing Monday to ask for help.

You have the right to feel safe, happy and secure in your own home. I think this Christmas give yourself the gift of change, of getting support in place for yourself. You cannot change your child, but you can change how you deal with them and you can change your own life. I know this is really hard, but keep talking and you'll find people will support you

User7777 please listen to and act on the good advice given by Onward above

Thank you all so much. Yes I was wearing my hat. I had cancer some years ago. Hence my hats cover my skimpy hair that's left. Most of my hats they gave to ch shop. I love this person, but I dont like what they have become. I will call Hourglass Monday morning. I have never heard of them. If I told a neighbour I was going to burn down their home and with them in it, I would be arrested. I despair of their behaviour, but they think everyone else is wrong. The lovely child I had many years ago has become someone I dont recognise. There is more I could tell you all, but I havent the energy to dump it on you. I am in bed, Sunday morning lie in, and all is peaceful.

OMG User shocked. Please ring Hourglass in the morning and when you have the energy to "dump" on us and want to do so, go right ahead. That's why we are here.

Thank you. I rang hourglass. Had an automated reply. I guess they will ring back in morning. I can only wait for them. As I am also waiting for Cardiac Oupatient App since I left hospital. I cannot understand the evil coming my way. I adored them as they grew up. AC is very intelligent, and has run rings around SS before when a Priest reported them. I thought SS could have taken them in for assessment back then,but no. I spent time gardening today, am slow, but I managed some of it