Letter to my Estranged Child

I would ring the police if he gets violent. Never heard of Hourglass, do know it has become almost impossible to get help for mental health issues. Your son needs urgent intervention. Would not Age Concern assist you or get you assistance. I do know their care line is manned every day and is freephone. So sad all you have gone though with cancer, you are the one that needs help and kindness and not live in fear.

User7777 please take steps to protect yourself. I know the thought of calling the police on your own child must be so difficult but it as actually in their own best interests and may lead to real help coming their way as a priority.

When it comes to parenting mistakes I know too many. If my child ever comes to me with one and it's not on my mental list then that is another opportunity to learn and grow.

I don't think that mistakes are the issue, I think not being accountable for them is.

I can't even express how much I've changed as a parent during my journey, I think each child there was a new set of rules from health workers and midwives without even getting started on how much I had changed by learning from my children.

So far I have a good relationship with all of them but I will never take that for granted. I've faced many demons in my life and if that has impacted them then that is the responsibility I took on when having them.

It would be a hard thing to do User but as Allsorts has said, I'd ring the police too. I also think that contacting Age Concern is a good idea.

I hope you'll be able to let us know tomorrow how things are going.

I'd also be contacting that priest with the real story and ask for back up to contact Social Services again. I think Priests have a duty of care for people in their parish. I'm not really sure how it works, but you really need support where you are.

I'd never heard of Hour Glass before either, but after I read your post User7777 I was googling for help because I knew there had to be help out there. Well done for contacting them. Maybe phone them back tomorrow first thing as you know your child won't be around. You could also contact a Domestic Violence charity for help/advice/support.

Keep talking and asking for help User7777

Old ways don't open new doors, so having the courage to speak out, be willing to ask for support- its hard. I think staying stuck might be harder, though.

If your child lives independently one of two things will happen- they will engage with MH and learn ways to live well or they will continue to think everything is everyone elses fault (but never theirs) and live a non functional life where they crave attention rather than help. None of it is your fault, they are adult and responsible for the choices they choose to make (and the consequences of those too!)

Stay strong and keep talking

Yes as Smileless says, letting the police know might be a good idea. That way, if you need to ring them they will already know of the problem. They might also have contact with the local refuges.

I read recently that you can go inside a chemist and use a code word to sit in their consultation room and find help safely. www.gov.uk/government/news/pharmacies-launch-codeword-scheme-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims. I don't know how to find out which pharmacies are taking part, but if you choose one that is and ask for ANI, they will help you.

Covid has made all these sorts of problems worse and it's known about. Please reach out to the support agencies.

I've heard that too about being to ask for help from your local chemist Onward; well remembered. I also agree that putting this situation 'on the record' with your local police station is a great idea.

Keeping you in my thoughts User.

Yes, me too Smileless. I wasn't familiar with the details so googled to find the link.

Covid has made all kinds of situations worse. People are in all kinds of danger from those who they live with because MH is at an all time low because of the pandemic and many MH services have been cut. It's very sad and unfortunate. There is definitely abuse behind closed doors, of adults and children.

One of my friends is in a refuge over Christmas after escaping an abusive relationship. I think we can all be aware that this problem is escalating and keep an eye on our immediate neighbours. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

User7777 sending you best wishes this day as you talk to support services

Keep talking. Just because one person believes a lie about you doesn't mean it's true and doesn't mean other people won't believe you.

That's very true Onward. Believing a lie doesn't make it the truth, and refusing to believe the truth doesn't make it a lie.

I think how a person treats others will always show what sort of person they are as actions do speak louder than words.

I don't have this worry with my EAC telling lies about me because he doesn't speak to anyone local due to paranoia. He doesn't let DiL talk to anyone either, so whatever he believes he will only discuss it in the online forums he's part of. For his own benefit, I'd rather he was lying about me and talking to normal people, rather than isolating because of MH and other issues.

OnwardandUpward it makes me so uncomfortable knowing people join online support forums and then lie to get attention. If real genuine people lose out and don't get the support they need it's awful.

I can only wonder if it is some sort of mental illness like those who fake physical illness

What do you mean by that VS?

Just to clarify: when I wrote about lies, I was referring to the lie which User7777 said her eldest child had spoken about her.

I heard a saying once "never attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence" which doesn't really fit. However, I think you could say that two people could believe completely different things and each think they were right and telling the truth completely- but each would be telling their truth, from their perspective, as they saw it and not be thinking they did anything wrong.

Perception is literally our reality. I remember when my son started having delusions and a relative said to me "tell him the truth" but I said, "what he believes IS his reality." I knew I could not compete with the voices

Hello. My news is... the support people contacted my landlords. It was a threat of arson, however, I dress it up. The landlord has banned AC from visiting my property as other tenants could be in danger from a fire threat. AC not best pleased when I told them. Ac was planning a visit this evening, until I mentioned police would be called and I was told they could have 72 hours in a mental health unit, as they have dealings with them before. I had a lot of verbal expletives, then the phone went down. Also had ss visitors today. All should be quiet for a while. But sadly, I dont think it's over yet

Ah sorry, I misread Onwardand Upward

User7777 could they fit you an emergency alarm?

Well done User, whatever way you look at it, you have peace at last, should you be bothered, he will have time in a mental health unit, it is on record now, perhaps there he will get the help he needs. With most Mh issues, family cannot sort it without putting themselves in a very vulnerable position,

Well done User 7777 for contacting the landlord! I think it might be good if you could move, just so you have extra peace of mind that AC cannot carry out their threat. I am so sorry that you had a threat of arson That's just so awful and your AC is probably not getting the right MH support from the MH services or perhaps not taking their medication?

It's probably not over yet, you're right- but you have done the right thing in asking for help. No one should have to live like that. I am so glad it's on record and Ac will have time in a MH unit if they break the law. In your shoes, I probably would be asking SS to help me move for a new start.

I think although it might be embarrassing, that it may be worth notifying your neighbours so they can be on guard if they see your AC anywhere near the building and call the police too, knowing that the landlord has banned them.

Oops I pressed too soon. I repeated myself there a bit!

No worries Violetsky

Thank you. Onwards and upwards.. yes, I have an emergency number and a thing to press. It beggars belief that AC think they can get away with this behaviour. I wouldn't tell neighbours as all elderly and dont wish to worry them unnecessarily. I feel supported now and able to go to sleep. Goodnight.x

I am so glad you've got that support User7777 Yes, its so sad, but your child is still in there. Their mental health is responsible as well as possibly bad choices and or addictions? Sleep well

Thank goodness you feel safe now User. No one should live in fear, especially from their child.

So true Allsorts

Even though I created this post thinking I might contact my child, I will not- because of some facts I have discovered about their "activities". I actually think it unwise, but cannot say more on a public forum.

I am very glad that User7777 felt able to comment and was able to find support, so something good has come out of my post. No one should have to live in fear, and most certainly not from the child they have loved and nurtured.

The gift I have send my GC is with the courier now. Only time will tell if it is accepted. I will never know if it is given to my GC and even if it is, it won't be given in my name. The new year is a new start and now I know what I know, I cannot contact them again. I can only hope something shifts in my GC's favor.

Sending love to all who need it, at this delicate time of year.

Where is Smileless? I hope she is ok, Christmas is very hard for all up of us however together we seem.

Violet I can assure you that everyone on here has been supportive. It is very hard coping without your child however old they are and of course the grandchildren who have no say whom they see, so we all go through and understand how each other feels.
User, a mentally unwell adult child will bring you down, I am so pleased you now have peace from him. Whatever you say he will argue the opposite, with weird theories, so wearing, even worse when they start shouting and get violent, it’s better to let them go. You know now to ring the police.