Theoretical rather than a support thread

Onward: IMO the silent treatment is the cancer and estrangement is the cure.

My mother used the silent treatment as punishment. She would get mad for one reason or another and then give us the silent treatment. We would then wander around for days wondering what she was mad about. Then, a few days later, she would go back to talking to us, like nothing ever happened.

The silent treatment is an emotional abuse tactic.

Estrangement gives the power from the abuser (using the silent treatment) to the victim (not allowing the abuser to be able to use the silent treatment).

I think some people think that silent treatment and estrangement are the same thing. They definitely are not.

I agree about silent treatment being emotional abuse, the saying about the silence being deafening springs to mind. After the silence which thankfully didn't last long, the final act of estrangement was something of a relief.

At least we knew where we stood which you can never know for sure when you're being subjected to the silence.

Onward you made me think! Ouch.

Anyway, all estrangements in my family that I am aware of involve my mother...

So it's not really a family pattern is it? The same person was involved in all the estrangements with different generations!

Also adding to that, I think you are probably right with your son. When he was going through his issues, he remembered something that hurt you and used it. I suppose that could easily have been something else he knew would hurt you at that time and he was lashing out.

So sorry Annie that you lost contact with your sisters when you needed them the most.

So sorry Freedomfromthepast that you also had that. Yes, as a child and for most of my life, my Mother would completely ignore me any time I said anything she didn't agree with or like and probably any time she had gotten bored or had enough? It is so painful and yes I think it is emotional abuse. In her defence, she had grown up thinking this was normal and it was done to her. Shame she passed it on though!

Good for you Violetsky for realising that it's just your Mother doing this to all generations. Why doesn't this surprise me? Because my Mother also did this, but is now talking to us all. I actually think she has convinced herself it was our doing. Sorry I caused an ouch the whole thing just is so painful.

No one on my husband's side of the family is estranged, they all have pretty normal and healthy relationships at least. He has a secure attachment, but I do not due to my childhood. I am working on being more secure. I wish I had had more therapy before becoming a parent, just as I wish my Mother had had therapy before having me.

Don't worry Onward just a silly joke, thinking is hard in general, sometimes lol

My mother was fostered to an uncaring family as a v young child. Consequently, she was a v cold woman until she was in early old age. Sadly, I think this has had a knock on affect for at least 2 later generations.

Oh, I'm glad it was a joke! That's a relief! Voletsky Humor on the estrangement forums is so rare, but very welcome!

That is very sad Gagajo and it makes sense that we idolise our parents or other adults when we are young so we are very impressionable. My saying is "Im in therapy to cope with all the people who needed therapy and didn't have it" It's too late for me now to bring my kids up in a different way, but not too late to have healthier relationships with them as adults. I wish I got help sooner.