Before you send that letter I think it might be wise to pm it to two or three people on Gransnet.
Sometimes the written word comes over differently from what we intend ?
Do you still wear you original wedding and engagement ring
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SubscribeLong time lurker here. I used to read these forums to see if anyone had a similar situation to my own, and how others coped. A bit of background: Son and DIL went NC for a while. She and I never got on, but were respectful at the very least. A spat ensued over what was probably my overzealousness when it came to my two young grans. She reacted like a dragon and my son of course backed her. For sure, she crossed the line. Now I am wondering if I should have handled things a bit better. Does anyone else here reflect and honestly see their own role, whatever the size, in their estrangement? If so, how does one begin the reconciliation, assuming one or both parties actually wants it?
Before you send that letter I think it might be wise to pm it to two or three people on Gransnet.
Sometimes the written word comes over differently from what we intend ?
Be careful, it’s clear you don’t like your dil. She will already know this and son will support her.
If you insist on wanting an apology and they don’t apologise, things will not go well.
You have had good advice but it’s up to you.
silverlining48
I think all you can do is acknowledge your part in this without reference to theirs and in future always Assume that anything you say could easily be taken as criticism. It’s good your son has started to respond so hope it resolves .
I dont have a dil but rarely offer comment on anything to do with the way my dd manages her children.
I know my place.
I so agree. Your last sentence is spot on. I don’t have a daughter just two sons, one of whom has no children but I have always let them and their wives take the lead. I don’t visit without asking if it’s ok first and am there to help if asked. From the start I have realised there is a pecking order, the DILs’ families usually take precedence and I have never resented or felt slighted by this it’s just the way things usually are and as a result my one DIL’s family have become good friends over the 30 years my son and DIL have been married; we are usually invited to special occasions in their family. The two other DIL’s my other son has been married to have both had difficult family relationships so I have been more involved with grandchildren than perhaps other MILs are but I have always took my cue from them - if they need me I’m always there when possible but I never presume anything.
It's true sometimes that we would not behave or react in certain ways without another pushing those buttons (sometimes deliberately, sometimes by accident)
But what matters is that we know we did the right thing.
In your situation, you have regrets but you can make those right again and that is what you have in your control
We’re getting ready for Sunday lunch with one of our sons and family. This could of easily led to permanent estrangement with his wife. I backed off realising contact no conflict situation better than nothing. A few years on she is the one who now contacts us to go out for lunch ( we usually pay?) but neverthe less much better than ending contact even though I was considering it at one time as it was completely draining.
I’ll be honest, I still feel they were totally over the line with me. It just flies in the face of reason that one could speak so harshly to the person who would die for them. I wonder where such conduct came from in my son; our family just doesn’t behave a certain way toward elders. But I must let this go
I’ll be honest too, DillPickles.
I think as long as you maintain this belief that they were unreasonable and ‘over the line’, it is pointless you contacting them. It will be obvious to them that you harbour a grudge. How can you expect them to forgive you, when you don’t forgive them?
I've looked back, at the estrangement we had with both our families, over the last five years or so. I think menopause changed me, and made me realise how our mums may have felt at the time.
However, we could never, have known that at the time, but they should have done. So when we had a brief estrangement from one of our daughters, although she behaved unreasonably, I felt I’d been instrumental in that....being her mum.
To my mind, responsibility is always with the parent. We have nurtured our children, and brought them to the place they are today. That’s not to say they’re blameless....they made choices based on other factors coming in. So influences from other people....spouses family etc.
I took responsibility for my daughter. I love her, and didn’t want to lose her. With our parents, I felt it was ultimately up to them, and while I can now understand perhaps where they were coming from, I didn’t then.
I said to my daughter, I want her in my life. The original problem was put to bed. In the five years since, we’ve touched on it many times, and the reasons for the problems have gradually become clearer, but all water under the bridge now.
I suppose what I’m saying is....take responsibility for this. Do not push for answers, take graciously, what’s on offer. Accept...as the parent, it’s probably down to you somewhere. I’ve found that no matter how old the children are, they still look to us for guidance in the long run.
I do hope you find peace with all of this.
Discodancer I’ve found that no matter how old the children are, they still look to us for guidance in the long run
You’re so right.
OP
You being a nurse may have nothing to do with it.
Your dil being a nurse - also may mean nothing here
You questioned her decisions taking care of her kids and that cuts very deep.
If it happens once, it might be ok
If there are other events or misunderstandings in the past, this only made it worse
Your dil did nothing wrong. She protected her family - mama bear protecting her cubs.
Your actions basically told her she was not taking care of her kids properly and you knew better than her.
Having sick kids is already stressful and this added fuel to the fire
It is unrealistic for her to react in the way you expected her to
She is not your son (which he may react in ways you also do not approve of)
She is her own person
This has nothing to do how you raised your son, as if he only has the right to Express his opinion in a way that is acceptable to you -
If you write an apology, please run it by us
Letters can be read with a different intent than it was meant
An apology: ' I am so sorry I intervened when it wasn't my role and I meddled.
I understand what I did was wrong and you and my son are perfectly capable of taking care of your kids."
Drop it there.
Do not expect to be back in the relationship again with them
Do not ask for anything: see them again, a call, lunch, babysitting, etc.
Time will tell and they have the control over the timeline.
Speak when you’re spoken to - that’s my motto, just so that you can have contact with the grandchildren. My d.il. once said to me , you have your opinion and I have mine ….so, we shall agree to disagree ..
OP
Imagine somebody hits your car and tries to avoid responsibility/try to steal your purse/slaps you in the face just because, etc
That generates a reaction in you, right?
You scream for help, ask for instance info for his/her insurance to fix the damage, hit him/her with your bag to avoid being stolen, defend yourself physically, etc
Now imagine that the offender is mad at you because you hurt him/her (as a reaction of his/her actions) and he/she claims you overreacted
You wouldnt have slapped, defended yourself or use your handbag against that person if there was no action first on the other part, right?
Would you ask for insurance information just because?
So, you cannot blame your dil and son for their reaction.
Your expectations of your son telling your dil to tone it down and lower the disrespect speaks volumes
Being older than them has nothing to do with it.
You are both adults and age does not measure what standards of behaviour should be followed.
The generational gap of expectations is huge here and I bet that is also a factor here
As for the estrangement with my parents, I thought many times how it could have been avoided and how I contributed.
Avoid it? Not sure.
We are too different, we want different outcomes in life and my goals were not compatible with theirs.
Agree to disagree was not possible at all, despite multiple tries over decades.
I could have identified the narc fleas faster so it would have had less of an impact in my life and relationships.
I would have looked for therapy earlier in life
I did things just to piss them off - to show my independence, it added unnecessary wood to the fire.
Overall, we are oil and water. Too incompatible. They wouldnt be in my circle of friends or even met them at all if we were not DNA related.
I would write a letter, apologising, and accepting that you were out of line.
Your DIL is a child's nurse, so I'm sure she knew what she was doing, and you interfering probably just pressed all her maternal buttons. She and your son were probably stressed as well. Your son took her side because he probably felt she was right, plus she's his wife, and his first adult priority.
As grans we do need to realise that we are "bit part players" in all this, not the stars.
The parents make the decisions regarding their children, whether we agree or not.
But, if they're still communicating, it's salvageable. So, write a nice, apologetic letter, taking the blame (even if you don't think you are totally to blame!).
And, next time, just back their decisions regarding their children.
DillPickles
I definitely stepped on her toes, and apologized when I caught myself but she was so angry she had an outburst. Both my grans were unwell and I felt that my son and DIL were waiting too long to seek medical attention. One is asthmatic and the other had what appeared to be a really bad respiratory infection. I thought I heard wheezing from the asthmatic child. She and I are both nurses. Granted, I don’t have nearly as much experience as she does with sick children, but basic clinical judgement told me the meds were not working at home because the boys seemed worse than when I saw them the day before. I do not think they are neglectful parents at all. I simply may have overreacted to what I felt was a slower pace than I’d move at in getting them more care. I admit that with the children being hers and her clinical background loaded with experience with sick children, I should have piped down. But I would have never dreamed of speaking to my MIL or my mom in the manner she spoke to me. My son wasn’t raised that way either and I’m still shocked he not only did not ask her to lower her voice and tone down the disrespect, but also joined in. Regrettable things were said but I want to sit down, talk it out, and move on. They just feel unapproachable right now.
Can't find the apology link so sorry but did summarise what it said.
Now I've read this more thoroughly and probably you were wrong to question her and she was justified in her outburst. Things have moved on a lot regarding what you can or can't say to your mother and MiL.
Hopefully your DGC are better now and everything said should be left in the past. There is no need to go over it again just move on and put it down to experience and don't interfere.
Well you need to decide on how to make that contact,
Perhaps if you sent a small delivered bunch of flowers with a short note apologising & and express a wish to put it behind you.
If you have to write send a nice card where you can put a very short message in it. A letter requires more words, which if you aren’t careful could easily be misconstrued.
My advice? Take it slowly and rid yourself of the thought that they need to apologise, even if they should, they won’t. Maybe sometime in the future, if things have improved they may, but not now.
I wouldnt try to apologize, write a letter, address this if OP continues with "I was wronged too by my son and dil but I have ti let it go"
It will come across very clearly in the apology or soon after.
It will be clear too that you want to send the apology because you miss your gc (not a word about missing your son at all)
In an estrangement, the damage comes from how it is handled afterwards, not the event itself.
This is sadly a very common situation.
This situation sounds reasonably fresh. I would be careful, especially as you still feel so angry about it. It will be hard to mask that you feel this way.
The fact your son is now messaging is good. I would go slowly. Ask after them all, suggest going for an afternoon out somewhere at some point. And save the apology for when it is heartfelt. It sounds as though it would be a forced one right now, and it will be difficult to make that sound sincere. It can take time for people to forget and get over things, but time alone really can help to process and move forward, both for you and them.
In your situation I would take it slowly. I wouldn't push for a discussion. I would respond to your son, asking after them all etc, general chat. I would also send a brief card saying something along the lines of "I am sorry for overstepping the mark and I understand why you were/are angry with me. I am glad that the children are now well again".
See how that goes and then maybe invite them over for coffee or suggest a meet up for coffee, at a playground or whatever suits them etc.
In your situation, you have regrets but you can make those right again and that is what you have in your control
I agree with this!
VioletSky your last paragraph says it all! I haven't always done that but I do try to do that always now.
VS that was in reply to your 11.46 post.
Ok this is what i would do. If i realised i had over stepped the mark and things were sour because of it, i would go round or telephone ( preferably go round, face to face ) say i was very sorry for the way in which i acted, ask if we could please all start again and from walking out of their house, i would tell myself right, lessons have been learnt, I will think before i act.
My mum always used to say "Its not WHAT you say, its the WAY you say it.*
Love0c thank you
I had to go back and check lol I talk too much sometimes
Your son was correct in backing up his wife. It sounds like they are a team and that is the basis of a great relationship and of being parents. It doesn’t matter whether you didn’t like the manner she spoke to you or the words she used - you were very out of line for questioning their parenting skills. She is a nurse with a lot of experience nursing sick children. Respect that and her judgement. You would do well to try and like her and look for the positive in her because if you don’t she will sense you don’t like her and that won’t bode well for your future inclusion in the family and seeing the grandchildren.
DillPickles,
You may not have meant it like this but you essentially suggested they weren't taking care of their child and/or medical neglect. Of course they reacted really badly. They would have felt that you were insinuating they were bad parents. You can't expect them to apologise for how they reacted.
I think that all of this is on you. I know you meant well, but it was never going to go down well. Apologise, definitely don't expect anything back.
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