Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Sorry for addressing the wrong person Purple Pixie, it was all tge posts from others that threw me, you can tell where my head is.
You know best if course how to handle things.o

Glad things went well with the urologist whiff, even if you did put your pants on inside out lol.
Reminds me of the time, many many years ago when I realised halfway through the church sermon that I'd forgotten to put mine on. I held my dress down for the rest of the service and all the way home.

Some DIY and a short walk for us today. The sun kept bobbing out but the wind was sharp.

Thank you for all of your helpful advice.

The two grand daughters who came last Saturday night are off school this week on half term and also next week. They are going on holiday abroad with their mam (my daughter) on Sunday and I said they could come here any time this week. I do try and keep it all light hearted when they are here but inside I am screaming. They ask so many questions and I feel like they have been primed before they get here. Sad really as they are 11 and 14 years old.

It’s pouring with rain here so I am going back into the conservatory and paint some more. I felt worn down with it all when I first got up and DH disappeared off in his car. We have talked and talked in the past but he is no help. Oh well, brushes out!

Take care everyone.

?pixie.

Chucking it down here, and sooooo cold. Just having a paperwork/admin day. Weather Not fit anything else.

Feeling a bit in the doldrums myself today.

Today would have been my late husbands 65th birthday. There would have been parties and celebrations.

The world is certainly a greyer place without him. Miss him so much. Hey Ho.

DerbyshireLass I know how you feel it would have been my husband's 65th birthday last month. When I think of him I think of him how he was before he had cancer. It's the only way I can cope with the loss. It took me a few years after he died to not to only think about what the cancer did to him. But reliving that time was destroying me. I had my parents and mother in law dependent on me. It was ok when I was busy but when I was alone it was like he died everyday.

It's not been easy as all widows here know only to well. But I promised him I would live the best life I could. I felt I was letting him down. I managed to hide what the run up to his death and the day he died from both my children for 14 years. By chance my daughter phoned me and I just crumbled.

I made sure never to let it get to me again and I haven't. But I miss him every day and still feel half of me is missing. And that will never change. But I don't want it to. I love him as much as I ever did.

You are not alone. ??

Thanks Whiff. That's kind of you to take the time to cheer me up.

In a funny way it helps knowing I'm not alone. Yes I miss him every day too. You'd think it gets easier but it doesn't really. We just adapt.

I'm ok really, my life is serene if a bit dull. But that is something I aim to change when I've moved. Downsizing will not only be financially beneficial for me but it will also free up my time and hopefully some of my energy. Less maintenance, smaller garden.

Anyway, I'm going to celebrate for him, by cooking myself a nice steak for dinner and raising a glass in his honour.

Just having a quiet lazy day. I had to stay in because my new bed arrived today, so just reading and pottering about. I'm content, in my own quiet way,

Just looking forward to spring/summer. I'm sure I'll perk up with some nice warm sunshine. It wont be long now

.

DSL, well done. Are you going to stay within your area? Do you know what sort if property you would like. I think once you can answer those two points it’s easier. I cannot afford what I want in my area.?

It's a shame that your GD's have so many questions when you see them PP but try not to let it spoil the time you get to spend them. They're obviously being primed and it's not nice when children are used in this way.

A difficult day for you DSL and for Whiff last month. You both do so well, it can't be easy and they'll be proud of the strong, capable and lovely ladies you are.

I happen to be enjoying a as I type, so I'll raise a glass to your DH; cheers.

It's been a very grey day here today but I managed to get everything done that I wanted too. Roll on Saturday when we got to our lodge, something to look forward too.

That must have been a very tough day DSL A quiet lazy day while raising a glass to him sounds like a beautiful way to remember and get through the day. xx Thinking of you and Whiff.

Grey cold and wet here too. But we had a shopping delivery and I baked a cake. DDs partner's birthday tomorrow so we'll be going over with goodies. Looking forward to that.

Sorry you had a tough day DSL . I hope you had a nice steak dinner and a glass of wine. Sending you hugs.

I had a restful afternoon yesterday. Lay on the settee with a book and covered with a throw. DH was out and about and I enjoy the peace and quiet and the book.

Last night I felt panicky inside just thinking that I am not getting any younger and parts of my life have been so wasted. Oh well, nothing I can do about it and feel a bit better today. Shopping done and one of my great friends from the North East is phoning this afternoon for a good old natter.

I’m meeting a neighbour from years ago tomorrow for lunch. So looking forward to it but the place is just a mile from my eldest son’s house. Big pants on tomorrow!

and hugs to you all.

Well done PP. you got through the day. Glad you feel a bit brighter today. I did something similar only I lay on the sofa watching design/decorating videos. ??. House design is my passion.

I feel tons better today. Much more like my old self, DS2 sent me loads of chatty texts, (he's working away at the moment) so that kept me entertained. Meanwhile DS1.....not a word. Lol.

Not that I expect any emotional support or empathy from him. I gave up on that years ago, even before he met Madam, now he's even worse. So aloof and "closed up". I often wonder if he even thinks about his late father, he certainly never mentions him. Hey ho. You can't force these things.

I do think sometimes you just have to let your emotions play out, shed a few tears, sulk on the sofa, whatever it takes until you feel better. So now if I have a low day I don't fight it.

I also spent a couple of hours trawling through Rightmove. Nothing that really grabbed me, no worries there's time enough, mines not even on the market yet.

As to where, I'll stay pretty much local. Probably set up a 10 mile radius from the city centre. No idea what kind of property, I'll know it when I see it. I like quirky and I quite fancy one more project.

Thankfully much warmer today, have been for a walk. Just about to clean my oven??.

My least favourite job in the whole world. Lol

DerbyshireLass glad you are feeling more yourself. Glad you had chatty texts from your son. For me living in a bungalow is perfect. They are more expensive to buy but cheaper to run and lot warmer than a house. Also easier to clean. Ideal when you aren't well. Not far to go to loo , bed etc. Also flat gardens. ?

Hope you enjoy that lunch PP. I hate those where has life gone moments.

Glad you feel better DSL. Sometimes a feet up day is just the job.

Can't wait till we find our bungalow Whiff.

Right feet up for dragon's den and the Apprentice for me tonight.

Good morning all.

I got this text from my eldest son this morning.

TEXT: You are obviously sulking about something I thought you didnt want to fall out but if I dont hear from you I take it we have fallen out and I wont message you again. Take care (plus the thumbs up sign)

Eh? He deeply upset me on 20th December with that phone call and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. I just cannot stand the thought of his voice right now. The message comes across as bullying which he has done a lot of with me over the past years.

I will think it over.

Off to meet my ex neighbour now and I will try not to let it crowd my brain.

Oh dear, purplepixie - I can't decide if he's goading you and being deliberately provocative or if he's totally tone-deaf to having upset you.

You can always text something back when you're ready to put the ball back in his court if you don't want to speak to him. I do think putting it aside and mulling it over a little while sounds like a good idea. I hope your get together with your old neighbour goes well.

I'm having a really tired day today. Bit of reading, a bath, and quite a lot of napping for me. Frustrating but I might as well give in and enjoy the rest.

PurplePixie I hope you had a nice time with your ex neighbour.

Re your son's text I wonder if "taking some control" of the communications might help you a bit? By that I mean that not replying actually does give the chance for your behaviour to be taken as "sulking" or for you to be "accused" of "sulking"

Maybe if you did a brief reply along the lines of :

"Thanks for your message. Just to clarify, I am not sulking, I am just taking some time to think things through since our conversation in December" OR "I need some time to think some things through" . Hope you are all well!

He might come back with "Think what through?" to which you can reply something like "I'll be in touch when I am ready" or "We can discuss at some point but I am not ready yet!"

I don't know if those suggestions above are helpful or not but I hope they at least give you food for thought.

I like your suggestions madgran.

Thankyou hugshelp

Purplepixie what an awful situation to be in. It's a classic case of dammed if you and dammed if you don't. hugshelp and Madgran give good advice. But you need to ask yourself how much will you allow your son to hurt you and for how much longer?

Just because we are parents our estranged children think that we will take everything they throw at us and they come out whiter than white. They hold our grandchildren over us and no parent should use their children that way. If our children truly loved us then that love is unconditional. Yes parents set the rules for their children that's how it should be. We set the rules for our children. My mom over stepped the mark once. I had told my daughter off and my mom said it didn't matter. Told mom we decided what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't . As they did when bringing up my brother and me. She never said anything again.

Both couples set the rules for my grandson's. And when they got and get told off in front of me I have never said anything. They are the parents I'm only nannie.

When I am looking after my grandson's if they do something they shouldn't I do tell the off. But always tell my daughter or son in law whoever I see first that I have done so. As I said they make the rules.

Every parent and every generation have rules . As the world gets more complicated those rules change, but some are the same as when our children where little.

As I have said many times before what awful childhood's both my dad and husband had in different ways. And how both my dad and husband never gave up on there awful in my dad's case dad and stepmom and my husband his parents.

My dad's youngest brother had downs syndrome. But his dad and stepmom never had him put in a home . He was born in 1950. And he was cherished and showered will love by all the family. Out of 7 children he was the only one his parents loved and took care of properly.

My father in law adored his grandchildren. Seems we finally did something right by having them . Unfortunately he died when they where 4 years and 8 months old. My mother in law took against our daughter from a baby but loved our son until he became his own person. Then treated them the same as she treated us .

Luckily our children where brought up with my parents and extended family on my side.

The grandson's by my daughter and son in law have 2 nannies and a grandad ,aunt ,uncle , cousins ,great aunt and uncle plus extended family.

My grandson's by my son and daughter in law only know 1 nannie. My daughter in law's brother and sister are the other side of the world. So my grandson's will have forgotten me and one never had the chance to meet me. They have family they know nothing about. And that's sad.

If you love someone in my book that that is unconditional. Naive I know. But when I love that's it for me . I have only stopped loving someone once. But she killed that love with a single sentence and that's my daughter in law. As up to that point no matter what my son or she wrote about me I still loved them both very much. But what she wrote was so wicked and hurtful the love just died. But I still don't hate my son or daughter in law. Don't want nor need hate in my life. Had enough of that from 1975 until 2015 when my mother in law finally died and I was done with my husband's side of the family.

They say love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin. I will keep the love side facing upwards. The hate side can rub away.

None if us knows what the future holds for us. But we can shape it and the present into what we want it to be. But be flexible. Our estranged children hope to break us. But we are the parents . I for one won't let what my son and daughter in law have done break me. Yes I have wobbles and get bent but straighten up again . Warrior Queen crown firmly on ready for what life throws at me next.

Smiles and Mr S have a wonderful time at your lodge. Hopefully you will have some sun. But know you both and the dogs will have a fun filled time. ?

I do agree that for Purpke Pixie not to reply to the text from her son would come over as sulking. At least acknowledge him as Madgran says. Don’t know how anything can be sorted if you don’t have communication. It depends on what your expectations are of your relationship with him is.
I do think a lot of people want to be central in an adult child’s life which is unrealistic. Just to be treated with respect and know she cared, even if I didn’t see her much I could have accepted from my daughter. I knew her husband and children came first.

Thank you for all of your great replies. I am going to think it over during this weekend. My son has bullied me so much in the past that I know I dont want to go back to those days but I haven’t seen his two children in ages and they will be growing up without me knowing anything about them. Why do they dangle these children about our heads and out of our reach. Some thinking is needed and I feel a bit down this morning.

I had a lovely catch up lunch with my ex neighbour yesterday and it really did me good. We are going to do the same on a regular basis which I am looking forward to.

Thank you

Thanks Whiff. Morning everyone. We arrived at our lodge yesterday and it's great to be back. The site manager did a great job cleaning the outside and the decking so it looks lovely.

A beautiful sunny morning here, just a few white clouds but very chilly so it's a good job I bought the dogs warm coats along with bags of other 'essentials'. Which I pointed out to
Mr. S. when he screwed his little face up because there was no cereal. Poor chap had to make do with toast and marmalade.

I also think Madgran's suggestion is a good one PP. TBH when I read what your son had sent my initial thought was 'bloody cheek' and that remains my overall response.

I think you need to reply from a position of strength, which Madgran's suggestion provides. No, you are not sulking, how odd that he should think so. There are things you need to think through and when you are ready, it would be good to get together for a chat.

I agree with Allsorts that you need to think about your expectations and in addition, what you're prepared to tolerate going forward.

His text, I'm sorry to say does seem to suggest that he's not particularly worried about the relationship continuing when he says he wont contact you again. He's also putting the onus on you, if you don't respond he'll assume you have fallen out so if he doesn't contact you again because you didn't reply, that will be your doing.

Sadly, a typical example of how their minds work and how they set themselves up as the victim when we are the victims of their behaviour.

You've said he bullies you PP and his text is another example of that. To anyone unaware of how he treats you, his text would appear reasonable but really it's an iron fist in a silk glove.

He's probably hoping that the love you have for the children and your desire to see them will enable him to get away with anything he says or does, which is why he's dangling them just out of reach.

About 2.5 years into our estrangement, DS told me that his brother 'needs to know he's loved'. I told DS that if the first 27 years of his life weren't evidence of our love then I really didn't see what else we could do and TBH, wasn't inclined to do more.

No doubt that enabled ES to claim that he wasn't loved to anyone who would listen. Not that anyone who'd known him prior to him estranging us would have believed him.

As Whiff says, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I do think though that by taking back some control, even if no resolution can be found, doing so sweetens that bitter pill.

Hope you got some good ideas for your new home when you move DSL. I love those programs too and have got some good ideas in the past. Glad you're feeling better and I do agree that it's best not to fight against those low days. Let the feelings come and the tears flow if necessary.

Just because we are parents our estranged children think that we will take everything they throw at us and they come out whiter than white. - That's so true Whiff. I think of the expectations my ES has on me as a mother, and nobody would expect those things from anyone else.
I'm with you on the unconditional love, too. We might get angry with, or be disappointed in, our loved ones on occasion. But we know, like us, they are only human and still love them. It seems that this is a concept that has bypassed our EC.

Glad you got a lift from meeting up with your old neighbour PP. Sorry you're a bit down again today. Life is pretty grotty on a lot of fronts lately so it's easy to get dragged down. At least spring is coming. Hope you perk up again soon.

Sounds lovely at the lodge smiles. Glad you're enjoying it.

Had an intense writing day yesterday, with lots of support from my online writer friends. Really enjoyed that. Got some photos to process this morning, and we're having a little walk this afternoon. Going for the chilling vibe today.

Have a good one all.

I’ve kept myself busy this morning by putting together a letter to my eldest son. I might never send it but it was good to type out how I feel and how that phone call affected me really deeply. The letter also needs to reach out to him but I dont think he will ever see that he is hurting me. There has never been any apologises or sorry in the past and now I feel like I have to get all of these things onto paper. I thought about putting together a letter last week and then this morning DH said that he thought that a letter might help. So I have been typing away this morning.

A cottage pie to make for tea later but I am sewing together a knitted dog blanket for Battersea this afternoon. Also my youngest son said he would phone some time to day. Always a joy to speak to him. Maybe I am in the wrong with my eldest son as I haven’t looked forward to speaking to him for a lot of years now. I think he needs to seek counselling if all of these horrible things (he says he has in his head) are bothering him.
I feel a bit mixed up today.
DH is trying to arrange a little break away for us at the end of April and I am just not in the mood.

Take care everyone and thank you for your words of wisdom.