Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Well we've decided to go home today. I know this sounds silly but losing my beloved boy feels surreal while I'm here so I think I need to go home

I don't think that sounds silly at all Smileless. I think you need to go home to face and process the truth and reality that you know in "normal" life and that is very much a part of a bereavement process.

Smileless, you’re not silly at all, it was a big shock and I agree with Madgrans comments. Our pets are like family, with us more time than our children are in most cases.
Whiff, you’ve offered him an olive branch, perhaps he will make contact with you. That’s what’s so hard, knowing how they always used to be. We build a wall around us in the end Pit’s so painful.

Thanks Madgran and Allsorts. Coming home was what I needed. Had a good cry as the enormity of his loss really hit me as soon as I walked in the door.

Thank you all for your posts . It was just after that letter didn't expect him to say thank you. But don't expect him to contact me .

Smiles you and Mr S need time to grieve for your beloved cat. Animals give what humans don't . Complete unconditional love and support without ever turning against you. Your dogs must be wondering where their house mate is . ?

Hi I have been messaged by whiff to join this thread , my original message written as ‘estrangement ‘
Briefly ; Our son cut us off a month after his wedding last year , they had a baby four days ago , with information getting us via our middle son .
Like many of you we had no explanation , just a message saying
‘ I have been having counselling over what I feel is our dysfunctional relationship , into want NO CONTACT and you are not to contact my wife or any of her family ‘
I have mixed feelings about joining this group I am so hopeful of a reunion , but now realise so many of you have long term issues .
Also, like many others on here, my long term friends, who have known him since birth, cannot understand his actions.
He is so heavily influenced by his wife’s family I feel we have lost him for good

Lkathryn I sent you the PM because I thought you would get the help you needed as I have done. Some on here have been reunited with their estranged children. Some are not totally estranged. But we are united by the fact that we help eachother and understand how we feel. If you read the old support thread plus this from the beginning of you will see we all have different experiences over different time frames.

If it wasn't for joining the original support thread I wouldn't be as I am now. Smiles helped me so much as at first I sent her PM's before I plucked up the courage to post openly. I didn't even know what my son had done was called estrangement. Unfortunately it has been a taboo subject for to long. But it has amazed me how many people it effects. Because I can speak openly about what my son has done other people who I have met in my daily life have told me about their estrangement from family members.

Everyone one on here has helped me and for that I am grateful and don't feel alone. You can write what you like and no one judges you but everyone has different ways of coping with the pain estrangement brings. Hopefully some of the experiences here will help you cope with what is happening with your son.

My daughter has washed her hands of her brother. Friends either don't have children or have a happy relationship with their children so don't understand how it feels. My brother wants to wring his nephews neck and what he would do to my daughter in law is unprintable. Unfortunately my husband died 18 years ago. My son wants zero contact and that has helped me cope . So here is where I can get my feeling out and it helps me.

Whiff
I fully understand , I guess I was hoping for lots of happy stories or reunion to cheer me up !
I am trying to stay so positive .
Mother’s Day is coming up and in my heart I fantasise about him coming to see me ! But in my head I know he won’t .
We kept it quite for three months, a bit embarrassed and thought people would judge us so lived on a knife edge that someone would ask about him .
Talking with friends has certainly helped and I was surprised at the number of folk affected . My hairdresser was the best , she said ‘ you cannot relive his life and you have done nothing wrong ‘

Like you estrangement was not a word I knew and is something that I never thought would happen to us .
I will work my way through each individual story , my heart goes out to everyone on this forum.
I do worry about how I will react IF we become reunited .
I have very down days then the occasional F* you day , where I am cross that he has caused us so much pain .
I’m sure I will find this group useful .

Oh Whiff, it's so hard when you get used to coping with no contact and then there is minimal contact which leaves you confused. I have no idea what's going on in your son's head, any more than I have what's going on in my son's, but I totally understand the power of these moments.

Welcome Lkathryn. This group has helped me more than I can say since my son estranged me. I do hope it does the same for you. My own son suddenly estranged me after starting counselling, and gave me no reason whatsoever. Only recently, after waiting several years, did I finally get a letter a few weeks ago. I have to say the things he said seemed totally inaccurate picture of our lives together as he grew up, not just to me but to my family and to a good friend who has known us all these years, but as it was all in very vague terms I asked for some specifics. I'm still waiting.

You will find some people who have reunited, and others who have made their peace with not doing. I know in the early days that seem impossible, but however things work out for you I hope, and believe you will get a lot of the support you need here.

Lkathryn we have what I call wobbles. When the enormity of estrangement gets to much. Do not feel ashamed it's our estranged children who should feel ashamed . Someone wiser than me has said estrangement is like breavenment. You are grieving for your lost child or children and grandchildren but they are still alive. As parents we give our love ,support and protection to our children unconditionally. We pass on good values and let them fly once they are older and hope for the best.

None of us thought our children would turn against us. My son was cruel and cowardly the way he did it and will never trust him again and will never forgive him or my daughter in law. If he turned up on my door step don't know if I would hug him or hit probably both. But I know that won't happen.

Like hugshelp and others my son wrote things that never happened in his email he sent me 4 days after giving my a wonderful time on my birthday April 2020. He came after he finished work and because of Covid rules sat apart and didn't touch. We went into the garden and he talked about putting paving down for me as I fall to make it safer for me. Then wham out of the blue text saying I have sent you an email don't contact me. He sent his sister one as well. But things had been strained between them for years. My daughter and daughter in law never got on from when they first met 17 years ago.

I always considered myself lucky both my children met their partners young my daughter met her husband at uni when they where 20 and my son and daughter in law at college when they where 17.

It's only been since 2019 I have lived close by them . Was over 100 miles away. Seems my being 40 mins away from my son and daughter in law is to close for her. But it was my son who wrote the email and sent the vile letter. So he is as much to blame.

What I will never understand we could always talk about anything. So why didn't he tell me on my birthday it would be the last time he would see me . I suppose because he couldn't do it to my face. But as I suspect my daughter in law is jealous . But if he had said mom I can't see you again or be in touch for the sake of my marriage . I would have been upset but would have understood. As his family has to come first. But would have asked just to have a photo of my grandson's ever so often .

I don't hate either of them don't want it or need it in my life. Had enough of that from my in laws. But as awful as my husband's parents where he would never give up on them not matter what they did or say. Because of the love I still have for my husband I looked after his mom as she out lived him by 11 years. She denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren but I never gave up on her. For all I hated her she was family and my children's nan.

I know regular posters have heard all this before. But wanted you to know you are not alone and do understand what you are going through.

Smiles hope you and Mr S are coping . Like with any loss try and thing of all the funny ,silly and happy things your lovely cat did. I know my friend planted a shrub in her garden in memory of her cat . ?

A very warm welcome Lkathryn. I was going to respond to the thread you'd started and am pleased Whiff pm'd you, as I think being here with those who understand what you're going through will be more beneficial.

I understand from your OP on your own thread that you'd been unable to help your son our financially with his wedding and from what I could gather, there appears to be some pretty strong outside influence from his wife's family.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and understand as we all do that with this being in it's very early months, the pain is raw and over whelming.

We have one poster Yogin who has been on these support threads for 9 years, just like me, who has reunited with the son she was estranged from for 6 year (hope that's right Yogin) but sadly remains estranged from a D and GC.

We have another poster who despite the behaviour of her son and in particular his wife, has so far managed to dodge the estrangement bullet.

For the rest of us, our estrangements continue but that said, there are still happy endings in so far as we've rebuilt our lives and learned to live without the children we've lost.

It's hard I know, but try to take each day as it comes. You already know that you're not alone and the friends you'll make here will do what we can to support you.

Thanks Whiff. Mr. S. paid the vet bill this morning and later this afternoon we're going to collect his ashes. The lady who runs the cattery said she wanted to see me so we'll pop through there too.

TBH I was just going to get Mr. S. to pay the bill over the 'phone but I know how fond she was of him and she'll be very upset that she was away when it happened. Not that she could have done anything anyway.

I'll be glad when this afternoon is over.

Sorry to hear about your much loved cat. I used to keep animals, years ago, and it's never easy to say goodbye to them.

*Lkathryn Welcome. You will receive support understanding of your feelings and worries and kind and constructive critical comment as appropriate here on this thread. So sorry that you are going through this

Hello everyone.

Smiles.....sorry you are having to grieve the loss of your beloved cat. Thinking of you,?

Whiff.....I'm not surprised you feel unsettled by recent developments. I guess you will just have to "wait and see" if it's opened a door or whether it's slammed shut again. Not a nice position fir your to be in. Uncertainty is the worst.

LKathryn, hello and welcome to the thread.you are in the best place for comfort and support.

Not sure if my reconciliation with my son and DIL can be classed a "happy ending". I see it more as a work in progress.

We're not out of the woods yet.

Thanks DiamondLily and DSL. Brought his ashes home this afternoon in a lovely little wooden box with a paw print engraved on one corner.

She'd taken a print of each paw as a keepsake. It's lovely the care they take and it does help.

Definitely work in progress for you DSL so stay strong. We're all rooting for you.

She'd taken a print of each paw as a keepsake. It's lovely the care they take and it does help

That is very thoughtful Smileless

Smiles I remember well bringing my Lilly's ashes back, they are now in a ceramic model of her and sit in my glass cabinet in the living room. It grieved me that my Lilly rested in the vets for almost a week until she was collected to be cremated. I learnt after that you can actually take your pet to the place of cremation with the pot you want the ashes in, wait until it is all done and then take them home with you that day. That is what I would have done if I'd known about it.

Hope you're feeling a little easier to day Smiles It takes a while.

I've tied the prints together with the blue ribbon the bag handles had been tied with Madgranand put them in my glass cabinet where I have little bunches of artificial flowers, each one had come back with the ashes of our previous pets.

He was collected the same day Yogin and they 'phoned and asked me if I wanted to see him again but I declined.

I am feeling a little better now we're back home and he's back home too. The house feels very strange. The radiator in the kitchen/dining room where his hammock was looks bare, as does the one in the upstairs living room without his tower in front of it.

Yesterday morning we had a surprise face time call from DS in Aus. The first thing he asked was if I was OK, and when I told him what had happened he said how sorry he was, and that our week was worse than his. He was fed up and that's why he'd called.

We had a lovely chat, nothing serious going on his life just him feeling a bit low, and it means so much that when he feels that way, we are the first people he calls.

The three of us ended up laughing and joking and it was the tonic I really needed.

Smiles I'm so sorry about your cat, we have one cat and one dog and they are like family members. It is devastating to lose them but hope it's getting a little easier day by day.
Hello Lkathrine and please continue to post, the advice and compassion that you receive on this forum is invaluable, when no one else understands you know you can come here.

Oh, just a little update on my last encounter with my ES - since we went out for the meal and I spoke to him we have not heard a thing. My Husband told me that he actually said to my ES that we would love to see more of my grandson and apparently my son answered 'We'll see' which I have found very patronising and the fact that he hasn't been in touch has made me decide that I won't be kept dangling on a string and sadly that's that I will not make any effort again.

Elless....."we'll see" is indeed patronising. No wonder you are miffed. Our ACs can be so pompous at times and such stuffed shirts??. Have they all had a complete sense of humour bypass. I know life can be very stressful at times but Sheeesh they can be a bit up themselves can't they.

Elless....the ball is in his court, leave him to stew. Back off and remember the "red velvet rope policy". For me it's working like a charm.

I spent Thursday afternoon with DIL and eldest grandson. This morning she has rung me and invited me round for Sunday afternoon. Definitely an improvement in her manners. Previously it would have been an imperious text, now she actually phones.

She now asks instead of tells and she is very careful to say "it's ok if you can't make it". No more bossy demands and silent treatment if I don't comply. A complete 180 turn round from a couple of months ago.

Elless......just back off and wait for him to climb down off his high horse. Get on with doing things for you, demonstrate you are capable of having a good time and enjoying life without him. Be mysterious, keep him guessing. Yes I know it's mind games and you probably don't want to engage in such tactics. I certainly didn't want to play their silly games but playing the game can work. You just need to outthink them and forward plan.

We do have a distinct advantage. We have age, experience, wisdom and years of multi tasking and forward planning under our belt. They might think they know it all but they don't have our years of experience to draw on nor do they have our acquired resilience.

Glorious day here, so warm I can feel the sun working it's magic on my old bones. ?. I am just having a break from painting the second coat on the fence. Just 1.5 more panels to go, then plant some lavender plants and that will be me done for the day. My shoulder and right arm are killing me so need to rest them.

Will sit outside in the sun and just soak up that lovely Vit D.

Smiles....glad you're feeling a little better. So good that your son phoned you. Maybe he sensed you needed a boost. And it's so good that he can turn to you when he needs a jt kf comfort and reassurance.

My youngest son often works away from home and I know from my own experience that living in hotels can be a bit of a downer......not nearly as glamorous or as much fun as people might think. I always make a point of contacting him, I send him chatty texts, jokes, cat videos ? (he loves cats, has two of his own) to keep his spirits up.

Well, this wont get the fence finished.....,,,,?

Oh dear Elless - what a horrid response. I love your response DSL - agree with every word.

A complete 180 turn round from a couple of months ago

DSL Yay! ? Velvet rope is working !!

Elless sorry about your sons response. DerbyshireLass has given good advice. I have been spared the jumping through hoops that some of you are being subjected to. Think that's why the thank you from my son threw me as I didn't expect it. It seems silly now that I let it upset me . I suppose because his email and especially his letter was so cruel and cowardly.

It's a sad fact we have to protect ourselves from our estranged children from hurting us any more than they have. But at least we can talk about it and know we are not alone.

Smiles what a lovely thing having your beloved cats paw prints. And the box with his ashes with the paw print on such a thoughtful touch.

Hearing from your son just when you all needed eachother was lovely. The tonic you all needed. Hopefully you can visit him before long. But isn't lovely when he was feeling low his first thought was to talk to mom and dad.

Our estranged children try to make out we failed as parents but we haven't it is them that have failed as adult children.

Hope none of you mind but yesterday I had the most brilliant day. First off I worked out how to put 4 holes in the 2 x 50cm tubs I brought for my blueberry plants without having a drill. Used a nail to put a little hole in the plastic then used my electric screwdriver to make a bigger hole and used my husband's smallest chisel and hammer to cut a larger hole out . Must have been talking and hammering loudly as a neighbour walking by came to check I was ok. I always have the garden gate open when in the garden incase I fall and I can get help. Later on another neighbour came to my door and had seen how nice my gate was and wanted to know where I got it from. So gave her my home improvements guys number. Our first time of talking. It's just an ordinary gate. I didn't pick just said I wanted a wooden gate, handle on the inside with 2 bolts and hook and eye to hold it back against the wall. The made the frame to fit.

Them as prearranged my daughter and grandson's picked me up as I was having lunch with them and watching the boys on the afternoon while she had her hair cut and then later taking some baby stuff for a charity sale today for children . I had forgotten she had asked me to stay for dinner. Which was lovely. They gave me my mother's day cards and presents as they are going to Malaga on Monday for a week. Had to shut my eyes while my eldest grandson put the presents into my hands. He drew a lovely pictures of flowers and a rainbow in my card. What my daughter wrote in both cards proves I am a good mom and how much they love me . Then had bath time with the boys. And then home .

Today I need to tidy my garage as having 14 bags of compost delivered on Monday and the new panels for my greenhouse. And hopefully get some weeding done as it's the first green bin collection of the year on Monday.

Hopefully you all will have the sunshine today we had here yesterday . Take care all. ?

Elless Hmmm! We'll see is non committal! "Watch this space" eh! Get on with your life, try to find things to enjoy.