Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Morning everyone, good to see all your posts.

Lovely to hear from your DSL and to know that all is calm on the Western Front and that your velvet rope policy is working well.

It does sound as if your son and d.i.l. stepped back from full blown estrangement in the nick of time. Hopefully lessons have been learned and this is the beginning of a healthier and happier relationship for you all.

Thanks everyone for asking, DS was beginning to feel 'normal' again yesterday which was you can imagine is a huge relief as it's so much harder with him being in Aus. and so far away.

The house remains strange without my lovely boy and I'm sure the dogs are missing him too.

Hope all goes well for you today Whiff, let us know how you get on.

Hope you're feeling better today hugshelp.

I've had a difficult 48 hours due to the mother of all panic attacks on Wednesday morning. Mr. S. and I about two years ago on the advice of a friend, did a questionnaire to see if we have PTSD; we do.

TBH and this may sound strange, it came as a relief as it did help to explain the changes we'd seen in ourselves and one another. We are aware of it but it doesn't affect us on a regular basis and doesn't really have an impact on our daily lives.

So, back to Wednesday. Last January I took over the role of treasurer for our church and for various reasons, mostly 'personalities' it hasn't been easy.

I've been aware since I took on the role that I often feel a little anxious/nervous whenever I begin posting on the accounts package which is silly, as I did the accounts and wages for our business for years.

On Wednesday I received an email with half a dozen queries. Nothing major but as soon as I read it I flew into a panic. I couldn't breath, I was shaking and crying and my brain was unable to digest what I was reading, leaving me feeling that I just didn't understand what was being asked of me and what the answers could be.

Thank goodness Mr. S. was here and able to calm me down enough so I could 'phone them and begin the process of answering their queries. No big deal, everything's sorted and I'd only made made 2 posting errors which were immediately corrected, but such was the severity of my panic attack that I am still feeling shaky.

So what to do? Our lovely vicar who has also become a very good friend asked me 3 times if I'd take on the role before I accepted. The church hadn't had a treasurer for 3 years, just someone keeping the books and she was thrilled when I eventually agreed.

I don't want to resign because that would feel like giving in. I can do this. I've been doing the accounts for more than a year and still do them for our business as although Mr. S. is retired, the company still exists as a dormant company.

I can do this intellectually but not emotionally. This is clearly triggering my PTSD. It's not triggered by the obvious; Christmas, mothers day, fathers day, our birthdays and ES's birthday, which to me would make sense.

we can honestly say how we feel and know others will understand spot on. I'm glad I've shared this with you all, I don't feel quite as inadequate and weak as I did before posting.

Smileless. I think perhaps it might have been a reaction to Mothers Day or something. It's obviously a difficult time, and these things can just weaken our mental defences a bit, temporarily.

We all do it, with the drip-drip of aggravation, which we deal with, and then it sort of explodes in unexpected ways.

Hope you feel better...?

Smiles never call yourself weak and inadequate. You are a tower of strength and without your support and kindness before I openly posted I wouldn't be as I am now.

We all have what I call wobbles. But I do understand panic attacks I don't get them but my nephew does and have been with him when he's having one. All I could do was hold him until he could talk as I didn't realise what was happening. He says they can appear out of the blue unlike his depression which he has warning signs.

You have taken on a big responsibility doing the accounts I know you say you don't want to resign but you need to think about your mental health . If it can trigger panic attacks think it's time to step back and someone else take over.

Life is hard enough without putting more pressure on yourself. And this panic attack coming so soon after losing your beloved cat is your body and mind telling you you need to take better care of yourself. Mr S must be beside himself and feel helpless when this happened. Thank goodness you have him. ?

Smileless, I really wouldn’t put any more pressure on your self, you come over as a very strong woman, I know I do, but inside at times our hearts are breaking. It’s the worse pain imaginable, your child however old they are just writing you off, someone you would have trusted with your life and vis versa. Doing things that trigger the responses you say you have is not worth it, you’ve nothing to prove. Look after your mental health, don’t do things that are expected of you but you find challenging. If people care they will understand and if they don’t they are not worth bothering with.

Smiles.....hope you feel a little better today. Sending you ❤️?

Im not surprised you have had a panic attack. You lost your beloved cat and then you son has been ill, across the other side of the world, with you powerless to help and support him.

I think we are all suffering from some form or other of PTSD. How could we not, given our circumstances. The shock and the grief of our children turning against is a very real trauma. Not just to our hearts and minds but our bodies also pay the price.

I still suffer from mild anxiety, usually in the mornings. I have found ways of pulling myself out of it. Mel Robbins has some very good tips and self help measures. I have followed her suggestions and have found them enormously helpful. You can access her free videos on you tube.

Please don't beat yourself up, we are only human. There are limits to human endurance. There's no shame in admitting to anxiety, it is an illness just like any other. It does not make you inadequate or weak, just human and subject to human frailties - just like anyone else.

Should you quit your treasurer role........do you have to make an immediate decision.

I am assuming it was year end accounts so hopefully now that they are complete you should have a little breathing space and can mull it over. Don't feel guilty if you do need to quit, you have given it a whirl. As Whiff and Allsorts have said, let someone else take a turn.

I was once Secretary for the PTA at my kids senior school. I initially agreed to do it for 1 year.....ha!! ....... needless to say ended up doing it for years.

You know the old saying " always flog a willing horse". ?.

Winter is back here......so cold.

Whiff.....good luck today.?

Hugshelp....hope your sinusitis is easier, not nice.

I've been in a lot of pain with my fibro. Mind didn't help myself with the painting marathon. One day I'll learn, ?.

Bearing in mind the horrific price rises for gas and leccy I tried to cut back on the heating. Big mistake! My body just can't handle being cold. It definitely impacts on my fibro and arthritis. Hopefully it will warm up again soon.

I have just been for a mooch round a local charity shop. Picked up two pretty necklaces, 10 childrens books (10p each in immaculate condition) and a three pack of childrens card games. Brand new £1. £4 the lot. Bargains. ?

Smileless...you come across as a really strong lady, however we all have that inner vulnerability which can be triggered by many things, panic attacks are scary know wonder you are still feeling shaken.
Deep breath and give the accounts another go...you can do this...if it happens again stand down for a rest.
Sending you lots of love, take care of yourself ?

Smileless, I really feel for you, and am glad it has subsided. Although we have to be strong to manage the E at all, I know I have lost confidence in a number of areas, and now don’t take on things that might carry stress or responsibility. I feel a part of me has got lost. But it’s ok because I’m happier living a quieter life, being peaceful in my own way. Although maybe that’s also simply part of getting older!! Really hard for you that the vicar is a good friend, but you can support her in other ways - through simply being there for her. I think we all need to have some reserves in the bank so when we get triggered we aren’t flattened. As others have said, you are certainly strong and your strength has helped me at difficult times.

Sorry to hear of the troubles of others right now. Hope you find your way through. Hugs to everyone x

Thanks everyone for your support and understanding, what a truly wonderful bunch you are; don't know what I'd do without you all.

I'm going to have to give this some thought.

Had more work to do on them today for the Diocese Financial Review, went OK but have a headache.

That's my plan Bridie, if it happens again then I'll know it's time to quit, that said the constant underlying anxiety all though relatively mild can't be doing me any good and this is definitely a trigger for me.

It does build up as you say DSL; losing my boy, mother's day and DS having Covid not to mention the vast expense of getting our flat ready after the terrible state the previous tenant left it in. Mr. S. is working tirelessly and doing a great job, but the bills keep on coming and we're not finished yet.

You really do need to pace yourself so not to exacerbate the fibro but it's easier said than done, especially as you want to get the house ready for sale.

We're doing the same with our heating so of course it's turned very cold. Just have to deal with the bills, can't stand being cold as it just makes me miserable.

Roll on warmer weather.

Love and hugs to you all and too.

Whiff hope all went well at the hospital today xx

Smileless I agree with the others, give up the accounts, you don't need this in your life, triggering PTSD. I dread doing my tax return in Jan every year, we had a months grace this time and I thought TGFT with my move at the end of Jan I would have found it too much. Knuckled down to do them last day of Feb, but with the gov. support payments for self employed, I took hours doing it, couldn't find the right box to put the sums in, it wouldn't let me finish till I'd put the sum in the correct box, which as far as I was concerned wasn't there! Kept coming up in big capital red letters You must submit the gov. payments I was sweating and had a headache afterwards. I eventually added it into another [wrong] box and just stated so at the end, Phew! Got a big tax bill, even though I earnt near nothing in the lockdown, so they just took the grant back it seems!

PTSD; yes I suppose that fits the bill. When I saw the snow, thick & settling, it took me back to Jan, just after my c.o, looking out of the window, longing to phone my beloved GD and say look out the window L, it's snowing My estD's m.i.l emailed me to let me know she had been out in the garden with my GC making snowmen and how much fun they had had together I also get flash backs to the last time I went round to see them, my darling little GD trying to open the door for me as she normally would, but it had been locked, looking round for someone to help her open it, calling out to me nannie, nannie I have to quickly push the visions out of my head, but they are so vivid & real.

Smileless, you always seemed so strong. Sorry to hear of this ‘blip’ - hope you feel better soon.
I haven’t read all the posts - my knees are playing up again, so I’m up to my eyes with Ibuprofen.
Yogin - I feel so sad for you.
Take care everyone

yogin That is a very sad memory for you!

Just a quick message feeling a bit emotional. After 34 years I have a name for what my neurological condition is. There are 2 people I want to tell. But my husband is dead and my son doesn't want me in his life.

My daughter is thrilled I have a name . I am very happy and sad at the same time. I should be jumping up and down with joy but instead in tears.

Oh Whiff that's wonderful, it really is. and to celebrate.

That's a heart breaking memory to have to live with Yogin; I'm so sorry. I kept wondering on Wednesday if our ES, or any of them for that matter, have any idea what they've done to us, how much they've hurt and damaged us?

Your tax return sounds like a nightmare, they don't make it easy do they in fact I wonder if they make it as difficult as possible. giving with one hand and taking away with the other sounds about right.

Yes it is a blip crazy and I feel so much better for sharing it here with you all and reading all of your lovely responses. That said, it's a blip that I can't really afford to be on the horizon, waiting and wondering if it'll happen again.

It's been at least 5.5 years since I had an attack of that severity which I think is why it's shaken me up so much.

Panic attacks are awful smiles. I've never done the PTSD test but after a near fatal accident, the shock of my son estranging me not long after that, and a whole string of other unpleasant things I wouldn't be surprised. I certainly get panic attacks. With me they feel like painful tightness, especially round my chest, that makes it hard to breathe. I really do feel like I'm suffocating and I feel like I'm flooded with adrenaline and want to run away. It's often triggered by anxiety when I think I've messed something up. I've worked out that for me I've had so much unexpected loss and pain that there's a terror, that I'm not really aware of but that's actually there low level all the time, that I'm going to suffer something awful for the least mistake. I haven't fixed it but as I'm starting to understand it, that helps a bit. I'm wondering if you might be similar, and the unexpected loss of your beloved cat was just waiting to hit you.

As you say Diamond Lily it finds a way to explode.

I can't stand the cold either DSL. It really does make all my health problems worse as making me miserable. These price rises are going to be hard for so many people. I have an electric blanket that's for wrapping yourself in that's supposed to really low cost to run. It's warm, not hot but it's lovely and soothing. Doesn't help much when you need to be doing stuff though.

I'm really glad you know what your condition is whiff but so sorry you can't share the news with those you want to.

What a sad memory yogin. Sending a hug. x

Good evening everyone. Sorry not to have posted for a while, although I have been lurking, on and off, and cheering you all on from the sidelines!

Like DerbyshireLass, I didn't want to say anything insensitive, especially round Mother's Day, but the relationship with DD is better than it has been for a long time. My challenge is to overcome my feelings about the past, which still forms something of a mental block, as it is hard to rebuild trust, after deep hurt.

I am posting tonight to wish you all well but, specifically, to commiserate with you, Smileless, over your loss, and to join the chorus in urging you to give up the Treasurer's job now, whilst you still can. I fulfilled a similar role for three years, having naively agreed, at my neighbours request, after I had just moved into the village. It was an absolute NIGHTMARE, and I say that as someone who had training in accounts, as part of my legal background. It literally drove me to tears and I ended up hiring a book keeper at my own expense, and she struggled too.

Church accounts are subject to all sorts of archaic rules and are horribly complicated. In my opinion, it is a job for a professional accountant. Smileless, please put your mental and physical health first, and get out now, before you become enmeshed. Please!

Yogin and Whiff and Hug and all of my other friends, I am thinking of you, Take care of yourselves and and keep warm! X

Long term estrangement is extremely damaging, it should be more in the open. Talked about like bullying, domestic violence and other abuse, because it does as much damage as those. Put it out there on Loose Women, send the messages it’s cruel and a cowards way. Unless there’s been abuse there’s no excuse.,We have to be strong, have no choice, what it does to your confidence and self worth is long lasting,,people think you’re strong and in a way we are, yet no one sees inside our hearts and heads, the replaying of scenarios, the what if's, the self doubt, what could I have done. There’s shame felt by the one that’s been estranged, some people think no smoke without fire, you don’t just cut off a good mom, but it happens, the effect on the whole family is huge. It’s a cruel way to treat anyone, let alone your parents. Look at the Charlton brothers, Michael Barrymore, Elton John, so many people that cut off their mothers because of a wrong comment. Were they perfect, I think not. It makes me mad thinking that lovely people are treated this way.

Thank you everyone for your kind words xx

Whiff when you have a name for your condition it must ease your mind even though you have no cure, you can look it up and maybe join a group with the same condition to get help & advise. Good luck.

As everyone says Smiles you come across as a very strong lady, maybe that's why you fall so hard when you do as you keep it together for months, years, and then something happens, like your beloved cat passing, and it then hits you like a brick! Thinks it's your body & mind making you acknowledge your feelings that you've locked away for so long, to enable you to heal a little more.

As everyone says Smiles you come across as a very strong lady, maybe that's why you fall so hard when you do as you keep it together for months, years, and then something happens, like your beloved cat passing, and it then hits you like a brick! Thinks it's your body & mind making you acknowledge your feelings that you've locked away for so long, to enable you to heal a little more

Those are wise words Yogin

"I've had so much unexpected loss and pain that there's a terror, that I'm not actually aware of but that's actually there low level all the time, that I'm going to suffer something awful for the least mistake". That's me hugselp, you've described it perfectly and reading your post has been really helpful; thank you.

The tightness in the chest, feeling you can't breath, feeling as if you're heart might explode and the urge to run away perfectly describes a panic attack.

You're spot on PF church accounts are complicated with archaic rules, like nothing I've come across before and like you, in my naivety I agreed, having done the accounts for our business for years so thinking 'how hard can it be?'.

Now I know.

I'm so pleased that your relationship with your D is going from strength to strength and you're always with us be keeping up with the posts.

The damage estrangement does is hard to put into words isn't it Allsorts which is why this thread, and all of you are so important. Even when we struggle to explain how we're feeling, we know we'll be understood because we're all living it, and for you DSL and PF whose relationships are improving you've been there too.

Great post Yogin. Mr. S. and the friends I've had for years have said that to me many times. When you've managed to "keep it together" for so long, you go down with one hell of crash when for whatever reason, the panic returns.

I'm overwhelmed by all the kindess, wisdom and support you've all given. You are all such a positive influence and wonderful support that I can't thank you enough.

Love and hugs for you all xx

Just popping on to give everyone a virtual hug, everyone seems to have problems at the moment and this little group is so comforting, take care everyone and I hope everything improves ?

Unfortunately there is no support group for my diagnosis. My blood had to go too Cardiff for genetic testing I am only the second person they have tested and found with this condition. Because she isn't my neurologists patient that's all he knows. It's very rare and only be able to genetically test for it in the last 5 years. But the good news is my neurologist put me on the right tablets 2 years ago without knowing what was wrong but it stopped my seizures. Still have all my other problems but not having the seizures was like having a switch turned off and changed my life for the better.

I looked after my youngest grandson this morning while my daughter took his brother for his swimming lesson. As her husband was on his way back from working away. They stayed for a while before it was time for gymnastics. We where talking and she said I am a great mom and don't give myself enough credit. And even though I have been ill since she was 4 and my son 6 months they had a great childhood and I have coped brilliantly since her dad died especially as I had both parents and my mother in law to look after.

But like others have said estrangement is damaging. And effects you both mentally and physically. Allsorts is right if it was talked about on Loose women people would take notice. Estrangement is a taboo subject and shouldn't be. All other things that effects people's lives are talked about but estrangement isn't. And of course you have to be a bad person for your child ,children or grandchildren to turn against you. When it fact it's their fault not the parents.

That's what upset me yesterday I needed to tell my husband as he stuck with me especially as the early years where really bad. And my son like my daughter has taken me to see specialists in different parts of the country and lost count of the times my daughter as taken me to A&E .

You bring your children up the same and one turns against you and the other can't do enough for you. And yet you are blamed as the bad parent.

Even when I was having seizures I was trusted to be with my grandson's. But my son and daughter in law never left me alone with the 2 out of their 3 son's I know. Yet my daughter and son in law trusted me with their eldest and had him for hours.

Estrangement isn't black or white but different shades of grey . And only someone going through it understands how it feels.

I would love to tell my son but I won't. He has to make the first move. He broke the family not me. I will not let him hurt me more than he has.

But at the end of the day he is still my son and can't turn the love off not that I want to.

No one ever said being a parent was easy but you would think when your children are adults with children of their own they would want to hold on to us especially as we get older and they know one day we will die.

Oh dear this does sound self indulgent . But I will still post it. As I have got these thoughts out of my head and can move on.

Thank you all for being here. ??

Sending lots of hugs Whiff...take good care of yourself?

Whiff

In Canada we have an organization called Canadian Organization for Rare Disorders (CORD). I wonder of there is something similar in the UK?

agnurse I found site and sent them an email. Hopefully I will get a reply. Just wish I could stop crying. I should be so happy but all I want to do is tell my husband and I can't. ?