Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Hello everyone. It's so good to know that you are all rooting for me tomorrow, somehow it makes me feel less alone. So a huge thanks for all your support. You are all very kind. I will give you an after match report. ??

Smiles.......My son and DIL Have no idea I have got a buyer, When DIL found out I was thinking of moving she tried to talk me out if it. Cheeky mare. Maybe she's worrying about what she thinks of as their inheritence......??. Newsflash, I shall ensure she doesn't benefit financially from my death.

Anyway, I just went ahead without her blessing and without telling either of them it was live on RM. I had an offer within 6 days.

As I have been more or less persona non grata for the last six weeks I have felt disinclined to inform them of my progress. If they were remotely interested in me then they would have been in touch before now. The reality is they don't give a flying fig.

Hard to accept but the sad fact is they couldn't give a damn about me. I could be lying dead on my kitchen floor for all they know. So my thoughts are just leave them to it. I wont volunteer any information tomorrow. I'll just stick to the small talk. If they bother to ask then obviously I will tell them, otherwise I'll just keep my own counsel. They have made it blindingly obvious they aren't really interested in me, my life, my doings.

Re legal completion etc. I am not going to count my chickens. "There's many a slip betwixt cup and lip" and it's not over till the fat lady sings. (So many cheesy cliches this morning lol.). My husband was the master of cheese and I'm afraid after 34 years it has rubbed off on me.

Anyway yes I fully appreciate I'm not home and dry yet and won't fully relax until contracts are exchanged. Then I'll breathe.

For that reason I'm pretty sure that, unless my dream home comes onto the market in the next few weeks, I'm going to go into rented accommodation for a while. Less stressful and I can take my time to find my perfect little nest. There's no hurry. Just find a little house to rent for 6 months, with a monthly rolling contract thereafter and take it from there. It would also help me get to know an area before I make a full commitment. Try before I buy. ?

If I find then find house that needs a lot of work then I can keep the tenancy going whilst I get the trades in and get the messy jobs done. I have sworn never to live on a building site again. I have done it several times in the past. Ok when you are 30 but Not really much fun when you're pushing 71, especially in winter.

Basically I'm just breaking the move down into easy manageable chunks. Taking it step by step, less stress, less overwhelm.

Smiles....you're right, I'm sure some of the guests will be wondering why I am the only family member there. I'm bound to be quizzed. I shall be tactful and diplomatic. I'm not about to cause any scenes. So not my style. I shall be my usual gracious and charming self.

Just need to make sure I don't drink too much and turn into foul mouthed Catherine Tates Nan. On second thoughts, that might be rather fun,

Only kidding, ?

Good luck tomorrow DSL - we will all be thinking about you and waiting for the after match run down.

Welcome Roobs - sorry its a bit late but I have had a rubbish couple of days.

Hairdressers on thursday and really pleased with the short hair cut, makes a nice change to not having it hanging over my shoulders. Had a lovely chat with a couple of people I know in our local supermarket and came home. Banged the back of my car in our back street. Honestly it felt like the last straw. I cried and cried. Not much damage done and it only a broken back light case but everything just tumbled down on me and I couldnt stop crying. DH was reassuring and told me that it would easily fix but who cares about the bloody car! Everything to do with missing out on the grand kids, estrangement and DH’s health problems came flooding in. I felt ill all day yesterday because I had cried so much the day before.

Then this morning one of my lovely grand daughters texted to say that her and her sister are coming to stay next saturday night. My youngest son is phoning tomorrow and it is sunny and warm. Peace restored but how fragile I feel at times.

Sorry about your car PP it must have felt like the last straw and of course your DH is right, it can be fixed it's just a pity that the things that really matter can't be.

Great news about your GD's coming to stay next Saturday, something to look forward too and you have that 'phone call to look forward too as well.

We had an unexpected face time call from DS in Aus. the other day which was a real boost. Miss him so much and when I see him it just feels 'so near yet so far away'.

We all feel fragile at times and with your H's health problems on top of everything else, I think you forget just how well you're doing .

Ooh DSL you're much better behaved than I'd be. I'd be so tempted to tell someone tomorrow about having a buyer already so that your son and d.i.l. would find out from someone else .

You're strategy to 'try before you buy' sounds like a good idea. Not sure I could be bothered with moving into rented before buying but it makes sense.

Feeling just a tiny bit anxious on your behalf right now but I know you'll 'smash it' x.

Will also be rooting for you tomorrow DSL. EACs are teaching their children that love is transactional and that people are disposable. - so true and so sad. If it seems like people are only interested in what is going on in your life if it looks like it might affect them - well that tells you all you need to know. Your plan to take your time finding the perfect home sounds like a good one. We haven't had much interest so we may drop the price a bit. We have seen some that we might have put an offer on if we had already sold.

We have had a bit of sun today allsorts. I do hope you have too. At least that's one thing that can give us a little lift.

Glad you're happy with your new hair PP - it does give you such a lift. Oh the horrors when it doesn't go well ... I remember coming out with an horrendous perm when we'd only been married a while and running upstairs and hiding my head under the covers when Mr Hugs came home.
I'm so sorry about the car, and more importantly the overwhelming feelings it triggered. I'm so glad you've got something lovely to look forward to now.

Hope you have a lovely BBQ smiles. Glad you had the lovely facetime chat.

We went over to see our daughter today. She's got a date for collecting the keys to their new home and is excited, as well as a little overwhelmed with it all. We did some planning about how we can help out and had a nice natter and a cuppa in the garden. It was lovely to sit out and enjoy a bit of sun. Really looking forward to helping her move and seeing it when she's all organised.

Good morning.

Just a quickie.

Thanks for all your good wishes for today. I'm a tad nervous (of course) but I'll do my best to "smash it" as per Smiles instructions.

Pixie. Sorry to hear about the car accident. At least you weren't hurt and the damage to the car was slight. It's perfectly understandable that it triggered your emotions, you are having to deal with so much, the " prang" would have felt like the final straw.

Hugs...... I have been thinking about the location for my next move. I am actually wondering if I should put some extra distance between my son and I, problem is I still want to stay reasonably near my other son and my friends, I don't see why I should have to go into exile.....lol.

Hey, ho. There will be a work around. That's one of the reasons why I am considering renting, I have seen a possible bungalow on RM. Just not sure of the area, might be a bit too rural. I might check it out next week.

Lovely morning here, at least the weather is nice for the family gathering, let's hope the sunshine lifts the tone of the day.?.

Will be glad when today is over.

Well here I am......

Today went surprisingly well. Far better than I had hoped for or could have envisaged.

I dressed very carefully, Costume is very important to actors. It helps them to define the role. Clothes are not mere body coverings, they are a language in themselves able to convey all manner of subliminal coded messages. Of course I am not a professional actor but we all need to act a part sometimes. I definitely needed to act a part today And I had to get it right. I knew that today was make or break and that the stakes couldn't have been higher.

The message I wanted to send was one of inner strength, power and confidence. My costume had to be my armour. I needed to give an Oscar winning performance and put on a good show, never betraying my inner turmoil and fear.

So instead of the rather formal dress and jacket combo I plumped for a pared down no fuss easy relaxed look. Off White linen trousers, and top, no heels but white tennis shoes (a nod to current trends), and a show stopping jacket in oyster pure silk.. Then at the last minute I added a rakish straw trilby style hat.

It was a fun look but also quite chic and stylish. A look which made me feel confident and which signalled.....here I am, take me or leave me.

I felt the formal dress and jacket wasn't right. It looked as if I was trying too hard to please and/or impress. Not a good idea because that suggests underlying vulnerability when what I really wanted was to reclaim my power. My look signalled I was happy, relaxed. It certainly drew some admiring glances and some nice compliments. Sounds vain but it wasn't about vanity, it was a serious statement about who I am. Not just a dowdy frumpy past her sell by date mother of no consequence who can be treated like a doormat but a strong stylish woman who is determined to carving out a new life, who wants to live that life on her own terms and who will no longer tolerate being sidelined.

It seemed to have worked because I could see the look of astonishment on both my son and DILs faces. I could see realisation dawning......"mum hasn't been sat there pining, missing me, she has moved on".

Today was a watershed moment, I was finally treated with some respect and my son and DIL did seem genuinely delighted to see me.

I think they might have finally "got it".

I think my being the only family member in attendance has perhaps given them food for thought. I think family members shunning them has finally shocked them and got through to them at last. Only will time will tell if they have really learned their lesson or whether todays pleasantness was just a flash in the pan.

I wonder if they realise how perilously close they came to me walking away too. They were a whisker away from me throwing in the towel. It was their last chance.

I did feel sorry for my son, He put on a good show but I could tell he was missing the family, he looked very tired and he's not aging well. I just hope today was his wake up call. It's not too late. He's lucky, I know my family will welcome him back with open arms but only if he treats me better and if he shows them some consideration and respect. After all, "Respect is a two way street".

Anyway it's done, it's over. I showed up and supported my son. Showed him, that despite everything I love him and have his back. Now its up to him.

Well, that seems to have gone really well DSL and the outfit sounds perfect.

Brilliant Derbyshire you showed them what a strong woman you are . And looking so glamorous you had compliments on your appearance. You say you feel sorry for your son but he has made his choice. He didn't have to go along with the way his wife has treated you. You have shown them you will no longer stand for their nonsense.

Only time will tell if they will treat you better. Or now the event is over will they go back to their old ways.

I know from my own experience of attending my mother in law's 90th birthday lunch party. There was only my mom ,me and my son and daughter in law as my daughter and son in law both couldn't get time off work. My son made a lovely toast. My mother in law was in here element all the attention was on her . But when I visited a few days later my normal mother in law was back .

My daughter and son in law had taken us both out for Sunday lunch the week before to celebrate her 90th as they couldn't come to the party. Again she was on her best behaviour then it was business as usual. But old habits died hard and she had decided years ago to treat us like crap and never wavered from that.

DerbyshireLass you have an exciting and stressful time ahead with your move but glad you have a plan. Concentrate on that and look forward a new future and a new you. No matter how old we get we can all learn new things and change who we are and what we what out of life.

Purplepixie sorry about you car which is annoying . But you have something to look forward to with your grandaughter's and your son . I know it's hard with your husband's health but you have lot to look forward to. Try not let the past and the estrangement with your son and daughter dominant your life. Not easy I know. It's hard to keep going when all you want to do is shout enough and how much more can I take. Been there and still have my moments. But our children have made their choices . And I for one won't let my son and daughter in law stop me from living my life to the full. We all have to do that. Life is what we want it to be. Ok some of the things I want to do are limited to what my body lets me. But I still try.

And that's what we all have to do . Making a new life without ones we love in it is hard and heartbreaking but we have to do it. We are given one life and need to make it the best one we can. To many people die young. My husband died at 47 . Two of my aunt's and an uncle all died in there early 60's . I am older than the 4 of them at 64.

Hugshelp glad you daughter knows when she will get the keys to her new home. Exciting time ahead for her. But as all us that have moved the hard work starts to make your new home yours and the first couple of years it's all pay out. But well worth it once all the work has been done and it's as you want it.

My daughter and family are into the second week of having a new garden built. Should be all done by the end of the week . She said it's like a building site at the moment. But it will be lovely and safer for the boys and they will have a lawn to play on.

Smiles your BBQ sounded lovely and chatting with old friends nothing better.

Look after yourselves ☺️

Too right Whiff, so many die too young, are denied the privilege of ageing and the chance of living rich and rewarding lives to the full.

The greatest life lesson that my husbands untimely illness and early death taught me is that life can turn on a sixpence and none of us knows what lies round the corner.

Life is precious and I don't intend to waste any more of mine mine on dwelling on grief, pain, sorrow and loss. He wouldn't want me to wallow in misery.

Ernest Hemingway said "the world is still a mighty fine place". I couldn't agree more.

I have allowed my world to shrink, locked in grief and sadness, and yes my son contributed to that sorrow, but I am well and truly done with all that. I'm moving forward to claim my best life. He can be part of it or not, his choice but I'm ready to embrace the change even if I do so without him in my life,

Today I'm going to crack on with the paperwork for the solicitor. Keep the momentum going,

Well you smashed it DSL well done. Your choice of outfit sounds perfect, smart yet casual. Clearly showing that you're confident to do your own thing and are not prepared to conform to others' expectations.

It's a truly wonderful moment when we walk out of the fog of grief, pain, sorrow and loss that estrangement or the threat of estrangement brings. When we realise that we do have control over our lives and can live them for ourselves without being shackled to those who want to hurt us.

Your D's garden sounds as if it's going to be great Whiff and worth all the upheaval.

We enjoyed a lovely evening on Saturday and once again
Mr. S. showed why he deserves the BBQ king crown.

Our little white poodle found something particularly revolting and smelly to role in on our walk yesterday afternoon . No dog shampoo here but luckily I had some baby shampoo I used to bath my cat with so in the bath he went. He looks so funny and tiny when hes wet through and once he was completely dry, a quick brush had him looking gorgeous again. The shampoo has made his coat really soft and fluffy. He looks like a little cloud and smells like a baby .

Off out for lunch today as Mr. S. has a bowls match this evening.

Have a good day everyone x.

Glad it went went for you dsl, at least you know your dil is not narcissist as they can’t be manipulated or controlled, they don’t have a better attitude, your dil is probably very controlling and wants things her way, but it sounds as if you can tolerate each other now you have ground rules.
Enjoy your lunch Smileless, you have certainly got a good week weather wise. The bbq sounds lovely. Lots of people round here had them the smell was tantalising.
Purplepixie, hope you’re feeling better this week, I know how I felt when someone drove into me, it was the straw that broke the camels back alright, but it all came out right in the end.

Just read what I wrote earlier should have said there where 40 other people at my mother in law's 90th birthday lunch. Some of her relatives but mainly friends and neighbours.

Smiles just had a cloud shaped poodle pop into my mind made me laugh. Is Mr S like my husband was me man I cook with ?. Or is the sensible type who just gets on with doing a brilliant job? If my husband decided to BBQ if it was raining he put up a shelter and still did it . While stuff was cooking he sat outside playing cards with our son. While my daughter and me where sensible and stayed indoors and past things through the window. My husband was a scout then scout and venture leader.

I'm sure it will be lovely for your daughter and family once the work is done whiff And we absolutely all deserve the best life we can make for ourselves.

Good for you DSL - hope it's all plain sailing with the house stuff from here on in.

Glad you had a lovely BBQ smiles. Aww at a cloud poodle. Enjoy your lunch.

We've just discovered that our EA had our property listed wrongly as 'detached' on rightmove and zoopla when it's a terraced. So a lot of ppl wouldn't have that in their search engine at the price we're asking. We already know the video didn't work at launch, nor the email when the EA launched it - we had to ask twice before they rectified those. We paid them to do the EPC - and there's an error on that. Honestly, they have messed so much up with the launch - it's no wonder we've only had 2 viewings. We're just deciding what to say to them and whether to change EA.

Meanwhile, the woman our DD is buying her bungalow from - who I might say has been a nightmare throughout, now says the people she was supposed to be staying with before she moves to Spain don't want her to stay, so can she stay in the bungalow and rent it from them after completion. They've given notice on their rented property, they've been paying for storage, and she's already squeezed them to the limit by refusing to budge on price despite there being a lot that will need attention which the surveys and eclectic checks revealed.
We're supposed to collect the keys Friday, I have no idea what happens if she hasn't budged.

Hugs. Your daughters vendor sounds like a piece of work. And a big thumbs down to your EA for messing things up. I have to say I tend to double check everything mine do but then I cheerfully admit I'm a control freak. ?. But the thing is you do catch them out on so many mistakes, some are trivial like spelling errors but some. Issues are not trivial at all, especially when it means you are not getting viewers or even the right traffic to their website,

Smiles...glad the bbq went well. And your dog sounds lovely.

Just finished ploughing through some paperwork re the sale, currently waiting for the EA and solicitor to phone before I can finish. So whilst I wait I'll mow the lawn. It's quite pleasant outside so it will be nice to potter in the garden and get some fresh air.

So relieved that yesterday is over, whatever the final outcome. It was weighing on my mind and I was waking each morning feeling stressed and anxious. For the first time in a long time I woke up this morning feeling relaxed and eager to face the day, instead of wanting to pull the duvet over my head,

You can't beat being at peace with the world and feeling happy in your skin, there's nothing in the world quite like it. I know there's still a long way to go and I don't want to tempt fate but I'm so looking forward to downsizing (I prefer to call it rightsizing, haha). Making life a little less complicated and a bit more fun.

This house has been lovely but I'm ready for fresh pastures and some new challenges.

Now if I could just lose a couple of stones........??

well she'd have put her bungalow on the market 'with vacant possession' so if your D's shoes hugshelp it would be a resounding no and also point out that if she isn't able to give vacant possession as the time of completion, the sale's off.

Friday or no sale.

Your ES sounds as if they've made a complete pig's ear out of marketing your house. Tell them to get their act together or you'll be going elsewhere.

Mr. S. just gets on with it Whiff and has been known to stand outside with a golf umbrella to keep the rain off him and the BBQ!!

Thank goodness those horrible feelings of stress and anxiety that were waiting for you every day when you woke up, have gone DSL.

I spent 4 years feeling like that every morning and it was only when we moved that it went away for good. The first week we were in our new home I kept dissolving into tears and in the end Mr. S. asked me the question he feared the answer was going to be; did I regret it, have we made a terrible mistake?

Bless him, the look on his face when I explained they were tears of relief, not regret. I'd been holding onto so much for those 4 years and at last felt safe to let it all go.

He loved the house but didn't want to move. He did it for me because I couldn't stand living so close to them any longer and within days, he was as pleased and relieved to be there as I was.

Well done DSL - I’ve just popped back in to say that and Hi to everyone. I had a lovely day out today and got two of my paintings framed and bought some new paints. Catch up soon.

Hugshelp just a quick one. Once they have exchanged contracts she is locked into sale. If she is in the bungalow on completion and your daughter has the keys. She is trespassing and can be arrested for that. So tell your daughter to instruct her solicitor that she may be in the bungalow once they have the keys. And get your solicitor to contact the sellers solicitor and inform her that they will contact the police if she is in the bungalow once completion has gone through your daughter is the owner . That will put the fear of God into her. Plus I would advise your daughter to change the locks on the doors. It's not expense to have done .

Thanks Whiff. They have spoken to their solicitor who says the house is legally our DDs as of Friday. Also, Dd and her partner could not agree to rent it to her even if they wanted to as their mortgage won't allow it. I seriously don't know what you do if the barmy woman hasn't moved herself and her furniture out on Friday though, or if she doesn't pass the keys to the EA as she's supposed to. But I'll pass on what you say, thanks.
TBH the vendor lied about things earlier and I wouldn't put anything past her. Just hoping she sees sense.

Hugshelp, I can understand all being worried about Friday, it’s nail biting right until you get those keys in your hand. The Vendor has as much to lose as your daughter so it’s in her interest to move. Of course it’s not possible for her to rent, your daughter you would never get her to move even if it would be allowed under the mortgage rules, which it isn’t. It’s her problem and she must put her furniture in storage and book in a hotel or something.
I dread it because unless your extremely fortunate there’s always hitches but somehow it all get sorted. Tge housing market seems to be drying up a little, I can’t find anywhere and I’ve looked well outside the area I wanted to be in. Haven’t the fortitude if DSL as don’t want to rent and move twice.
Glad you had such a good day yesterday Pixie.

Good Morning all. It's a beautiful day and I'm full of the joys of spring...haha

ALlsorts.....I have been thinking about your post yesterday. I think its not my DIL who has changed, she can't change, she is what she is.

What has changed is me, my response. I may not have walked away physically but I have completely disengaged mentally. That's why I feel so liberated, no more stress or anxiety.

Truth is we can't change circumstances or the way people behave but we can change our response. And I think it's also true that if I want my life to change then I have to be the one to effect change. I have no life partner, there's only me, no one is coming, i have to do it myself,

Anyway, I've made a start on the paperwork but then I hit a couple of snags with the technology required to deal with an online solicitor so I have engaged a personal tutor to help me get a bit more tech savvy,

Sounds drastic but tbh I have been wanting to do it for ages but just couldn't summon up the necessary motivation and enthusiasm. Anyway I've bitten the bullet and I start my first taster lesson on Thursday.

Fed up with being a technophobe and dinosaur, lol.

And today, I plucked up courage and stepped On the scales, ??. So that's it, no more procrastination, the healthy eating and exercise programme starts today.

I have decided that There is to be no more putting things on hold until "after the move". Even if there are no hiccups these things take months. And I can multitask with the best of them.

Fortitude, moi??? Why thank you. You are very kind. I hadn't thought of myself as having fortitude. I suppose I must possess some seeing as what I've dealt with over the years, I do think I have resilience. I can usually bounce back, eventually.

I sometimes think that's what EAC lack. They are not always very resilient, they give up too easily.

Most relationships, whether romantic, family or work related have their ups and downs and we just have to work through the rough patches. I think ACs who go on to estrange their families either can't or simply don't want to put in the work.

Such a shame because they miss out too.

Right off to Lidl.....stock up on healthy stuff for my new regime.

Well, it's lovely to see you so perky DSL - you really do sound like a woman on a mission. Good for you, yay!

We had a lovely day out today, We went to Bempton cliffs and saw several puffins as well as lots of other seabirds. Then on to Filey where we had Fish and chips at our favourite seaside restaurant. Feeling lovely and recharged, ready for a soak in the bath then back to tackling EAs tomorrow.

And thanks Allsorts. That's just what the vendor should be doing. I hope she is.

Not being able to find something must be very frustrating Allsorts but don't despair. I found our new home on the internet the day we got a very questionable surveyor's report on the one we were going to buy, and pulled out of.

I found it on a Monday evening, we viewed and offered the full asking price on the Wednesday afternoon because we were so enamoured with it. It had only been put on the market 5 days before we viewed it, and we were the first to do so.

It's like cutting an invisible umbilical chord when you manage to mentally disengage DSL. Not easy to do when you've been estranged so must be much harder when the contact is still there.

Bempton cliffs are a favourite place of Mr. S.'s hugshelp. Sounds like you had a lovely day and will be well rested to round 2 with the EA's.

I had a very productive day, defrosted the freezer and cleaned the oven at our lodge. Learned the hard way that if I do the freezer every 6 months, as per the manufacturers instructions which I hadn't read and first time left it for 18 months, it's much easier and quicker.

Got a text from my choir friend with the full program for Saturday's concert . To say it's full would be an understatement so need to go over some of the music between now and then.

I feel so weepy today and cannot seem to cheer myself up. In my head I am telling myself to just go along with how I feel but I feel so miserable. Two grand daughters are coming along on saturday night and I should be looking forward to that so what is wrong with me. Sorry but I am feeling really down. Catch up later. Sending love and hugs to you all.

We all get days like these PP so don't be hard on yourself. Try and accept that this is how you feel today, but that doesn't mean you'll feel the same tomorrow and even if you do, this will pass.

There's nothing wrong with you love. Saturday is 3 days away and you'll be full of joyful anticipation as you wait for them to arrive. There's no need to apologise for feeling down and sharing that here, that's what this thread and we are here for.

x