Pregnant and abusive daughter

An adult does not have to provide any info he/she doesn't want to another adult

A parent/AC relationship follows the same rule

This daughter has enough on her plate, she doesn't need her mother's anxiety on her

I am still waiting how this dd is abusuvr6

Abusive

No of course not but it would have been simple enough to send a message saying she was OK.

Sorry, but you do understand that your daughter, who you say you adore, has had years upon years of misery and pain trying to have this child that's she's carrying in her belly, only to be told it might be seriously unwell - and you're making the situation all about you? Her brain has probably been full of all the horrors of what that could mean for her and her husband and older child. What will she give birth to... Will they get to meet her... How long will she last...

But of course, she should make sure you're ok, otherwise you'll start ringing round the houses embarrasing her in front of her in laws. Wow.

I really don't think the lack of a text message is the issue here and focusing on that won't help OP

Oh dear what a difficult time for everyone involved, particularly your daughter longtoothedgran

I do understand your worry about your daughter, probably exacerbated by some apparent tensions in your relationship.

I think that in focusing on your worry you have maybe not considered how your daughter may be feeling and reacting to all the tensions and health issues over several years. So you texting her probably several times in 4 days would probably just feel to her like an extra stress particularly within the context of a tense and difficult relationship as she sees it. It is hard to understand why she didn't just reply with "I'm OK!" from the information you have given;only you know what might have stopped her doing that, or what your response to her replying might have been or she might have expected, rightly or wrongly

You were allowed to look after your grandchild for 3 years and were babysitting recently so clearly your childcare is not an issue for her. She appears to see you as causing her stress. Why? And whatever happened 22 years ago from THEIR perspective, has clearly never been addressed. Were you aware of that issue prior to it being mentioned recently? If so why has it not been dealt with? Have you all discussed it, have you explained the context of saying you didnt do it? Why do they think you did?

You have given them a lot of money which I assume they were happy to accept. Do THEY consider that to be "reparation" for "what you have done", for "overstepping boundaries"? Rightly or wrongly, that may be their view, and if you want to move forward on this situation you might need to consider that as a possibility. It would give you insight into THEIR perspective on the money, whatever your own perspective is

The one clear piece of information you have is that it is "to do with boundaries". I think you need to think very honestly about why THEY feel like that, what is it that you have done which from THEIR perspective has caused boundary problems. You may not agree, you may feel it is unreasonable but at least you will have a clear picture of what might have to change IF you wish to continue a relationship.

With regard to FIL speaking to his son, from his perspective at such a fraught time he might be unwilling to get caught up in the dynamics of others' difficult relationships and would wish to be open with his own AC, partly to avoid any risk of the same problems then arising in HIS relationship with the couple! They are clearly and understandably stressed so his fear could be valid . There could be a real risk of that when emotions are so high. Another perspective to consider.

I hope that over time you can sort things out. For the moment could you send a letter to say you understand how difficult this time is for them; that you are here if they need anything; that you love them all and are thinking of them; that when the time is right you would like to talk more deeply; that you have heard what they have said about boundaries.

You may or may not get a response but I think if you do you need to try to step back from "big discussions", just listen and acknowledge and say you dont want to cause more stress at the moment

Good luck

It is odd Madgran that the OP's D allows her to baby sit and yet says she causes her stress.

Financial and practical support has been given and accepted, and now the OP has to "apologise for everything or that will be that". This is something we often see in situations like this. Whatever the OP has supposed to have done and needs to apologise, wasn't so bad that she wasn't called upon to travel some distance to baby sit for her GC, and didn't make the financial support unpalatable. I do find this attitude rather disingenuous, but that is my opinion.

I still regard the f.i.l.'s behaviour questionable. If he's understandably concerned about getting caught up in any friction, I don't understand why he exacerbated the situation by telling his son that his d.i.l's. parents had 'phoned to see if she's alright.

Or, alternatively, she has tried to prioritise the relationship between her mother and her child, in spite of the stress her mother causes her personally. If she had not allowed her mother to babysit would that have been better?

No it wouldn't have been better, but if prioritising the relationship between her child and her mother was so important, why is she threatening to take that away unless her mother apologises for everything?

Because she's reached the end of her tether?

She appears to have managed allowing her mum to have a relationship with her child so far.

Oh well, she, her family, and her inlaws should just carry on being subjected to her mothers overbearance for the rest of time.

Financial and practical support from loving parents, a mother whose concerned about her D's well being because of her stressful pregnancy; some people would be thankful for such overbearance.

That's a very good example of why relationships get strained. This "after everything I've done for you" notion is a quick and easy way to overlook issues and make adult children feel unheard and disrespected as if helping family out in hard times doesn't work both ways, especially as parents eventually age

I wouldn't care how much someone (anyone) had on their plate.
Absolutely no excuse to treat others badly.

I agree MissA.

If he's understandably concerned about getting caught up in any friction, I don't understand why he exacerbated the situation by telling his son that his d.i.l's. parents had 'phoned to see if she's alright.

I see you point Smileless but possibly he decided that was the better option than it being found out later that he had kept quiet. A simple "I'm OK text would have stopped the problem arising so a pity that for whatever reason that wasn't sent!

The apologise for everything or that will be that is as you say a situation that seems to arise quite often, even after "baby sitting"and "money gifts" are acceptable. I also find that disingenuous. I do think though that in order for the OP to try to work out a way forward for herself and her family it is worth her thinking about the ACs possible perspectives, whether they are right in her opinion or not. Clearly she is in egg shell walking mode and it would be good if she could find a way to get out of that mode, for all the family

Oh dear. Once again, this has turned into its an abusive mother, not concerned post.Everything comes back to it, what utter childish behaviour. . It is really pointless arguing with such people who assume all relationships are the mothers fault. How biased is that, leave them to it. Goodness knows what will happen when their children behave like they do in the future as they surely will judging by the unkind judgements they pass on to anyone who has a different perspective to theirs.

Allsorts no one is calling mum abusive, just questioning how daughter is?

Seems to be a situation that can work out with a little give and take and as daughter is not here to advise, people can only advise mum on how to achieve this.

Oh well, she, her family, and her inlaws should just carry on being subjected to her mothers overbearance for the rest of time

I don't think anyone is suggesting that. And from the information given I think "over bearance" is not a given. A possibility but cannot be automatically assumed. There is a fine line between genuine concern and worry and "overbearance" although I can see that it can be experienced like that. If it is, not replying to texts probably provokes worse problems!!

Also please stop wishing ill on people's future relationships with their own children, it is really off putting

MissAdventure, Smileless - you are saying that your need for respectful and pleasant interactions at all times is more important than your daughter giving birth to a baby that subsequently dies in her arms.

Do you want to take a step back and rethink that?

You must surely have more humanity than you are letting on here?

No thanks, I don't.

Herefornow, a dreadful thing to say to two very kind posters.That is a very offensive thing to say, not one comment was made from either of these people. The retorts from a couple on here should not be allowed, that might be the language you use and seem normal to you but it is crossing the line.

I can see both sides here, to some extent, although it's a pity Mum and daughter can't communicate better.

I don't really talk about this much, but thought I'd give a view.

20 years ago, my DD and SIL had three lovely young lads. They both wanted a girl, so went in for a 4th child. The scan showed it was a girl, so celebrations all round.

At 25 weeks, at a scan, the hospital knew something was wrong, and said my DD needed a C-Section to deliver the baby, that night.

DD and SIL asked me to go to the hospital, which I did. In the middle of the night, my DD delivered my first granddaughter. Unhappily, a lot was wrong, and my granddaughter died the following day.

What followed was horrendous, especially for my DD and SIL, the aftermath and seeing that little white coffin, at the church, and then burying her, still rips through all of us.

During the next few months, I'm sure I got a lot wrong. In fact, I know I did. I just did my best, but everyone was fraught, it's not easy, and I'm sure I could have done better. My daughter and SIL were in bits, my parents were in bits, and it was just all stress.

Nine months later, my DD told me she was pregnant again. My heart sank, but I congratulated her and on we went. DD, SIL, and I lived that pregnancy day by day. The stress and worry were just awful.

My next granddaughter was delivered a bit early, but happily, she's now a lovely, happy, healthy 18 year old.

But, the point is that all parents get it wrong sometimes, as do all ACs. Unless there is abuse, a little more understanding, from both sides, might be better.

The pain of a child bereavement is just the worse, but it can be overcome with love and support.

For what it's worth, I have a policy of not passing on info that may cause trouble, so I'm unclear about the motives of FIL. But, I guess only he knows. I don't know why the daughter couldn't have sent a quick text saying all ok, but I suppose only she knows that.

I hope OP and her daughter sort it out. And, of course, I hope that this pregnancy ends up with a happy ending.