Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

What a fabulous post hugshelp .

Thank you everyone - I do a lot of shouting in my head. I raised my voice the other day and DH was not happy! I said that I have a massive shout going on in my head and I will let it out one day but I will be giving warnings!!!!

I have been invited to some wonderful friends who live at Scotland for a week in September. They are so laid back and I find the trip relaxing and therapeutic. Something to look forward to.

I did my walk early this morning, before 8am and it was really warm.

My youngest son is phoning some time today now, instead of yesterday. I know he is busy but I miss him so much.

I have seen 2 counsellors in the past. The first was really good but the second was rubbish. She kept referring to her books and gave me a tick list. I ticked the same boxes each week and only stuck it out for 4 weeks. Rubbish!

Here’s a photo from my walk this mornings. Take care all and stay cool. I am fed up but I will get myself motivated and maybe make some cakes later.

Lovely pic PP. Going for a walk early is a good idea. So pleased you have a holiday in Scotland to look forward too.

If only living with estrangement was as easy as ticking boxes. If you do some baking, save one for me.

Gorgeous photo PP

Thank you, we do have some nice walks around here and I can lose myself for a while.

Yes, if only estrangement was as easy as a tick box. I found her annoying as she said that I ticked the same boxes each week. YES! Because nothing had changed! I was still estranged!

I’m going to make a pineapple upside down cake to have with ice cream later. Mouth watering already.

My train tickets are booked and paid for. yahoooooooo!!!!

Sorry PP but the second paragraph of your post did me laugh. I mean what did she expect?

Oh that does it, if it's a pineapple upside down cake with cream you have got to count me in.

riete this thread is for all estranged be they parents , children, grandparents etc.

I am a bloody good mom and talk about what has happened to me with my son and daughter in law. Because it's my story .

We all have our own stories. I did nothing to my son or daughter in law to be thrown away as if I didn't matter . I have a third grandson with them I don't even know his name but his 2nd birthday is this month. I know my 2 oldest grandsons with them. Last time I saw them was 14thMarch 2020. Last photo April 17th 2020.

I hurt everyday and wonder how they all are. Like I miss my husband everyday . I was widowed in February 2004. And my grief hasn't lessened it's got worse over the years. But I cope better well most of the time but have wobbles over my son and my husband.

All that I write is the truth. I hate it when people throw my words back at me. Because of Smiles and all other ones here I feel safe to say what I need to. Why should I be critised for that. It's my story and how I feel.

You have your story so tell it if you want to. But don't try and make me feel like I am a bad mother. I am not. What makes this whole thing worse is my son and daughter in law knows what a bad mother, mother in law and grandmother is they both knew my husband's mom.

Also I had enough of people making me out to be something I am not. My daughter in law tore me to shreds on Reddit . Smiles knows what she wrote. And what hurts so much people believe her. The worst of it she had been writing about me over a year before I moved here to live closer to them. Seems 40 mins in a car is to close. I don't drive.

If I am such an awful mom why is it my daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's love me and see me every week. If you have read this and the other threads started by Smiles you know my story.

No idea why you think I am a bad mom. And it has hurt me deeply. Do you know what my daughter in law wrote on Reddit which killed the love I had for her. FIL died to get away from MIL. She never knew my husband.

To upset to continue.

A very wise and profound post Hugshelp.

And you are right, it's the "not being in control" of the house sale that is such a pain, having to chase EAS and solicitors is very frustrating. I just have to be patient, champing at the bit won't make it happen any more quickly.

Whiff.....it's coming up to 8 years since my husband died, and in many ways it's harder now than it was in the first couple of years. Again I need to be patient.

Just had a lovely text from my DIL, asking if I was ok in the heat.......as I said on the other thread, even narcs are seldom all bad, not even my narc father . ?.

My DIL has many good qualities and I admire and respect her in many ways.....I just wish she was "easier"and less disruptive. And of course that she treated my son better. I know she loves him.....after her fashion. Just as my father loved me in his own way........it's just that narcs have a very twisted idea of what love is.

But it's true, none of us is perfect. No parent is perfect and even the most adorable children have their faults and weaknesses. We are all of us only human, with all the flaws and frailties that come as part of the package.

When we first hold our precious new born in our arms none of us has any idea of what lies ahead or how our lives might unfold. It never occurred to any of us that our relationship with our child could ever result in estrangement or that our family could be ripped apart. That happened to "other people".

Maybe it's best we don't know what the future has in store for us,

Pixie.....sorry but had to smile at your useless therapist. Not funny for you. Complete waste of time.

All this talk of cake .......

I have no idea of what I want to eat. I'm hungry but don't really fancy eating..I'll. probably just end up being naughty and grazing on snacks and ice cream. Lol.

what happens (in the experience of those I've talked with about this) is that after a good deal, often many years, of trying to find a solution that works, some adult children can find no alternative solution but to avoid their very-much-less-than-"good" parents

Yes I have encountered EAC in exactly that position and they have absolutely done the right thing for them and for their families

I have also encountered people who are in coercive, abusive relationships who have walked away from their parents to avoid the consequences of not doing so from their partner!

I have also encountered people where the estrangement is frankly half a dozen of one and six of the other because of family dynamics and the way the family conducts itself. Or estrangement drags on because over whelming stubborn pride stops all parties breaking the silence

.....and so on!!

On this thread there are EPs, EACs and posters who fear estrangement. Sometimes the reasons for posters estrangement show many similarities, sometimes they do not. Sometimes, emotions run over and people express themselves with Hurt and upset and angry words ...both EPs and EACs.

It would be easy to reject people when they do that, to maybe say "no wonder you are estranged" or similar, to accuse them of "not taking responsibility" or whatever. That happens sometimes, not said in ways that help people listen so usually descending jnto arguments and more anger! All this rather than empathising with the hurt and upset and pain, even whilst not liking the way they express that.

Sometimes the EP has done the estrangement from their child not the other way round as well.

Sometimes an EP or an EAC is not confident in a decision they have taken

So so many variations on a theme and all that I have mentioned above I have seen on this thread and others over the years.

So EPs EACs and those who fear estrangement are supported on this thread, given understanding, sometimes given hard messages in ways they can listen and think ...it works as long as everyone remembers the differences in experience, the hurt, the anger behind the need to post and shows understanding even whilst expressing their own perspective.

to everyone whatever your situation

Yes, if only estrangement was as easy as a tick box. I found her annoying as she said that I ticked the same boxes each week. YES! Because nothing had changed! I was still estranged! - but that's no good - clearly her amazing counselling skills should have fixed everything. In a week. ?
Oh yes please to pineapple upside-down cake. I have to make some later in the week, now. The oven is not going on today.

FIL died to get away from MIL. - What an incredibly hurtful thing to read when you are grieving. I am so sorry you had to see that Whiff.

Thank you DSL. You are always very insightful yourself. I'm being very naughty and eating whatever I fancy during the heatwave. I had breakfast cereal, cheese, crisps, and fruit and cream for lunch lol.

Very perceptive post madgran.

Just stopped off at local cafe on way home from volunteering hugshelp and treated myself to a cold drink and slice of their delicious carrot cake! Oh dear ...but in this weather and to keep up my spirits ..well hey ho!

Just had a bowl of cornflakes, and two peaches. Maybe some ice cream later. Definitely some crisps later - never touch them normally (nor cornflakes) but I am craving salty things. I think we just have to listen to our bodies, mine is asking for salt.

I have tried to prepare for the heatwave but never thought to buy those rehydration salts. Will definitely get some next time I go shopping,

riete

Whiff

Wow Smiles shows how much it was needed when you started it. But it's a testament to the fact people are willing to talk about estrangement and how they are truly feeling about it and not suffering on their own anymore. I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents. But it seems to be a growing problem sad to say

Madgran glad to know you still read.

Whiff

I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents. But it seems to be a growing problem sad to say.

i was initially very pleased to find this forum; but then disappointed to read your words whiff (above).

you must surely know that, by and large, adult children do not "throw away good parents". what happens (in the experience of those i've talked with about this) is that after a good deal, often many years, of trying to find a solution that works, some adult children can find no alternative solution but to avoid their very-much-less-than-"good" parents.

if i've misunderstood and this forum is actually for estranged parents but not the adult children involved, perhaps you could let me know?
thanks

True, but not all EPs on here are dealing with "good adult children" either.

Some AC, in laws and step kids are horrible - that's how it is.

Every story is different. ?

I'm sorry you're upset Whiff .

The longevity and success of the support threads speaks for itself. Not everyone's 'cup of tea' but a lifeline to those who need and use it.

You've all made me hungry so Mr. S. are going out for a very late lunch. He's bowling this evening so probably shan't bother eating again today.

I'm fairly sure we need a bit of extra salt in hot weather DSL - why I'm not fighting the urge to have them atm. I have some 'natural rehydration salts' - and they contain sea salt, cane sugar, ginger root and citric acid. Reckon the citric acid is for flavour and the ginger for a queasy tum, so basically just salt, sugar and water. Or crisps and fruit juice maybe.

Too true diamond Lily.

Enjoy your lunch date smiles.

Funny you should suggest that.

Was starting to feel queasy soI've just had some vegetable crisps, , some summer fruit squash and a magnum type ice cream (Aldis own). Actually feel a lot better now.

Have a nice lunch smiles. I've got macaroni cheese for supper. No cooking just bung it in the microwave. Lol.

Back to proper cooking on Wednesday when it cools down.

Sorry to hear how much you miss your husband Whiff, you must have loved him very much

I think our bodies so sometimes guide us well DSL Glad what you had helped.

I have those aldi's 'magnums' in the freezer Dsl - the mini assorted ones. Lush. ?

Have you tried the Aldi crushed raspberry ripple in white chocolate ones hugshelp? Oh my days! Not for sharing!

Well my body called out for scampi accompanied by a chilled glass of Prosecco so that's what I had.

I haven't chewbacca. I will hunt those out on Wednesday when we do our next shop.
Ooh Scampi, haven't had that in decades smiles. Could just eat some. In a basket?

Not in a basket hugshelp, gosh that brings back memories doesn't it, just about everything was 'in a basket'.

Waiting for Mr. S. to get back from bowls so we can take the dogs out for a walk. Still too hot to do it even though I know they want to go now. If only I could make them understand.

I'm not too sure what was so glamorous about 'in a basket' but it was all the rage back then lol.