Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

It's surprising how many counsellors think they have all the answers and think they have insight into situations they know nothing about.

My immediate thoughts were "Physician, heal theyself"!

put on that voice that made me Whiff as I know exactly what you mean and as we've seen, 'that voice' can even be present in the written word.

My understanding of counselling is that it's non judgemental and gives the patient the sense of safety and confidence to open up.

Telling someone they're not listening, they've been told something but because they don't like it they've ignored it and so on and so forth, isn't counselling. Far from it.

Oh yes Chewbacca spot on.

I must admit I've always avoided counsellors like the plague - I'm sure some are ok, but there are too many that aren't, although "they've read the books".

It's hard to give advice that helps, unless you have actually been in the same position.

My answer to it all, if I've needed support/advice, over the years, has been a very close friend, who I've known for 50 years, a bottle (or 3) of wine, and an honest exchange of views.?

We have supported each other through most things life can throw, and still do. Everything said between us, is kept between us.

Still, I'm sure some people find it useful to have someone there to talk at.?

The UK is one of the few countries in the western world where anyone can set themselves up as a "counsellor or therapist", with absolutely no training whatsoever. A BBC journalist recently demonstrated how easy it is to obtain a "certificate of accreditation" by applying online, paid £12.99, and voila! He was suddenly a counsellor.

Training to become a psychotherapist requires 400 hours over several years, which are usually paid for by the individual, as are their own therapy sessions – also a requirement for qualification. Counsellors have a shorter timescale but often need a relevant degree and several years of training to earn their certification.

So be wary, do some digging and back checking; their are a lot of charlatans out their.

Chewbacca

The UK is one of the few countries in the western world where anyone can set themselves up as a "counsellor or therapist", with absolutely no training whatsoever. A BBC journalist recently demonstrated how easy it is to obtain a "certificate of accreditation" by applying online, paid £12.99, and voila! He was suddenly a counsellor.

Training to become a psychotherapist requires 400 hours over several years, which are usually paid for by the individual, as are their own therapy sessions – also a requirement for qualification. Counsellors have a shorter timescale but often need a relevant degree and several years of training to earn their certification.

So be wary, do some digging and back checking; their are a lot of charlatans out their.

Yes, easy money really.

Sit there, smile and agree, encourage more appointments....and watch the cash roll in.

Same as those "instant experts" on the net - make your pod, write your book and become an "influencer".

Proper psychiatrists, are obviously different. Their training is full and knowledgable.

I didn't know that chewbacca. Explains a lot.

Your friend sounds lovely diamondlily

Yes indeed the voice, sometime detected on here whiff and smiles.

Oh yes the counsellor voice and face, don't forget the head tilt.??.

Whilst I am sure there are some very good therapists out there I think there are also a great many charlatans. Some of them do far more harm than good.

How are we all doing, I'm quietly dreading the next couple of days. Yesterday I did very little......just rested and tried to keep cool. Trouble is, being forced to do nothing and living alone allows too much thinking time. Mind, it's a difficult time of the year. Coming up to the anniversary of my husbands death....

I really do feel like I'm living in limbo at the moment. Just existing not living at all. I'm hoping that moving house will help me shake things up and allow me to rebuild my life.

I thought I was doing ok, slowly getting there but the goings on with son and DIL have been a major set back, to say the least. It has triggered the grief of losing my husband all over again and I feel so stuck sometimes. Mired in grief and sorrow and unable to move forward.

Don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal but I do find myself looking at an empty and lonely future and asking myself 'what's the point, is this it".

I've looked at the other estrangement thread and I can't believe the hatred and vitriol on there. I don't know what to think. I am so shocked.

Like so many of us I'm looking for answers, for support and comfort. Precious little comfort to be seen on there. Not much help to anyone who is at a low ebb.

Oh well, I guess it is a case of ride it out and hope for the best.

Thank goodness for my lovely youngest son. He has been working away and had to miss my birthday, he's back now and has set a date to take me out for a birthday treat. Something nice to look forward to to sustain me......

Sorry it's all about me. I am just a bit low. Mustn't wallow in self pity......just need to be patient.

This too will pass, ?

DSL...I'm sure that moving house will be a huge boost - moving is a palaver , but then it's nice having a blank sheet to design and make your living space just how you like it.

Anniversaries are murderous because past memories come into sharp focus, and you often wish you could have bottled those happy times (or I do).

But, sadness passes, and life usually feels better after a few days.

I'm dreading the next two days. We live on the London/Kent borders.

We are clinically vulnerable, bad at tolerating heat, with breathing issues, and are right in the centre of this "heat bubble".?

We have coolers blasting out, the nebuliser and DH's CPap machine ready for instant use, but it's such a worry as the ambulance service and our local hospitals are in such a state.

Anyway, hope you feel better soon.?

Thanks Diamond Lily. I'll be fine. Just need to put my big girls panties on and get on with it,

Gosh I am sorry to hear about your clinical vulnerability in this heat. It does seem that you are well organised and prepared. ??.

Noticed the other estrangement thread has disappeared, so glad, it was so full of hatred and vitriol. It must have distressed a lot of people.

Stay safe everyone.

Yes, that thread was deeply unpleasant, so good that GN have whipped it off.?

Yes, it's good that that thread has been zapped but, just a word of warning: the OP of those posts admitted that they had lurked, unseen, for many months and had become so obsessed with a poster that they'd been unable sleep. I found that rather sinister - strangers, silently watching strangers, seething with anger and resentment and waiting to pounce and cause hurt and distress. GN is an open forum; anyone can read what we post and reveal here and, has been demonstrated this last weekend, they can have sinister motives. Please be careful with your personal details. There are more where that one came from unfortunately.

Very true chewbacca. We never know who is reading, who could be stalking......

Yes, forums can be a wonderful place for support, help and entertainment, but the net also attracts some very strange people, some of whom can't separate real life from online life.

Trolls are a bugbear of every forum, unfortunately.

I cannot imagine getting stressed or losing sleep over a stranger's opinion on the net. ?

Ah, well, peace reigns at the moment.?

Good to hear that post has disappeared. Very unpleasant. I didn’t know a poster had been targeted at the beginning.
Hope everyone is keeping cool. I won’t be doing much?
DSL anniversaries, birthdays are still hard for me too. I can’t help rememberingI got the good times. I’m lucky to have had them though I know. You have got your birthday treat with your sons to look forward to.
Got quite a bit planned this week but didn’t expect these temperatures to do them in.

Allsorts. Me too. My husband and I had 34 wonderful years. I am grateful. So many happy memories to sustain me.

I'll be ok again soon. You just have to ride out the lows.

Glad that thread has disappeared. I had emailed GNHQ about it and I don't care who knows it. It was getting vicious. The OP had one agenda and that was to cause trouble which they achieved. They must live a miserable life if that is what makes them happy.

I was worried people who needed help and support because of estrangement would be to scared to post. Not saying my email is what got it taken down but did have an email back saying they would look at it. And they must have. I am quite sure others also complained about the way it was going. It broke many of the guidelines. Hopefully the nasty posters that have been appearing on various forums will stop soon.

I know for me all the different threads I go on have helped me .

Anniversaries of the death of a loved one are hard. For 14 years I relived the last couple of weeks of my husband's life and death. On the day I was a useless blob. The children text to see if I was ok. I said yes. They never knew until that 14th year. When my daughter phoned me and I couldn't hold it together and it all came out. Both the children said that should have told them. But like I said I was protecting them ,they said what from and said me. My daughter understood but my son didn't. I made a promise to myself I would never get that bad again. And I haven't. Yes I cry on the day but only on the day. But I remember all the stupid things my klutz of a husband did. And see him with that stupid grin on his face.

To me the first 10years is still early days of berveament. And have said this on threads on the berveament forum . Grief never dies or so I have found in fact it gets deeper for me. But I cope better. At times and can not be thinking of him and find tears running down my face. But I go with it. He was looking forward to being a grandad. I know if he had lived our son would never have done what he has. My husband would have fought dragons for me. That's the type of man he was as was my dad. My brother is the same. I thought my son was cut from the same cloth. Seems I was wrong. But he was a caring and loving son wish I knew where and why he disappeared? And to be honest that's sad.

I know for me moving changed my life for the better. It was hell selling my house not because I was sad to leave but because of all the hassle I went through. I detached myself from my old home the moment I decided to sell it had become a mill stone round my neck.

Since moving I live my life to the full no longer just existed. I hope all you movers feel the same once you move into your new home or rented until you find the home for you.

I have already been trolled by my daughter in law on another forums thread in June 2020.

I will continue to write what I want. I will not let horrible people who read this thread dictate what I say or don't say. If I did that then they win. I was bullied from when I started school until I was 16. Over the years even as an adult because I was obese and walked with a stick since I was 29( walking with a stick) and was in a wheelchair for family outings.

Over the years you wouldn't believe the things I have had shouted a me. Not just by teenagers but grown men. I well remember a man shouted what does your husband do thump your stomach and ride the ripples.

Hadn't got the confidence to answer back in those days. When I told my husband everytime we went out he said point him out if you see him. I did but never told him as violence never solves anytime. If it did there would be no wars .

DiamondLily it must be an awful worry for you but glad you have everything ready in case your husband needs help.

DerbyshireLass if you haven't noticed I have wallowed many a time on this and previous threads. But here is a safe place to wallow if you need to . No one will think any less of you. We all need to wallow in self pity at times. But it's better to admit it than keep it bottled up.

Keep cool everyone. ??

That's what your estAC are doing Pixie they are emulating their father, they have his genes, they wont change, sorry to say. So thankful you have your youngest son, different genes; loving & caring.

Morning everyone.

Thanks for your post Chewbacca. It's true what you say, it is sinister and disturbing when this type of thing happens and for you as well as me, stirs up some bad memories. Thank goodness the thread has been pulled; thank you GNHQ.

Feeling a bit weepy this morning TBH. Never expected to see anything like that again or to be in the direct line of fire. I can't understand why an on line forum where people who share the same experiences and support one one another, creates such an extreme reaction.

Being in the process of buying and selling is stressful and unsettling at the best of times DSL, and difficult when you have a partner to share the burden. Much harder when you have to cope with it all on your own.

I still remember waking up here the first morning after we'd moved in, and that feeling of sheer joy that we'd arrived and all ready to start a new chapter in our lives. I know it will be the same for you when you finally get your new home.

'Big girl panties' are a good idea, especially as it's going to be so hot. Much better than those skimpy clingy things.

This heat must be worrying for you DiamondLily. It's good to see how organised you are, do take extra care and stay safe.

We wont be doing much either Allsorts and may well spend the next couple of days in our basement living room where it's much cooler.

Stay positive Smileless, you have helped so many?

Pixie you could always do your shouting in your head as apposed to out loud, that's what I do, does help.

Thanks Bridie I've made some good friends here and as always, am thankful for their support.

Maybe I should try that Yogin then Mr. S. wouldn't have to hear me.

Whiff

Wow Smiles shows how much it was needed when you started it. But it's a testament to the fact people are willing to talk about estrangement and how they are truly feeling about it and not suffering on their own anymore. I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents. But it seems to be a growing problem sad to say

Madgran glad to know you still read.

Whiff

I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents. But it seems to be a growing problem sad to say.

i was initially very pleased to find this forum; but then disappointed to read your words whiff (above).

you must surely know that, by and large, adult children do not "throw away good parents". what happens (in the experience of those i've talked with about this) is that after a good deal, often many years, of trying to find a solution that works, some adult children can find no alternative solution but to avoid their very-much-less-than-"good" parents.

if i've misunderstood and this forum is actually for estranged parents but not the adult children involved, perhaps you could let me know?
thanks

No riete you haven't misunderstood. As the title of this thread says, it's to offer friendship, advice and support for everyone whose life has been affected by estrangement.

Of course Whiff as we all do, knows that not all EAC estrange good parents. Whether or not this is the case "by and large" is debatable as there's no statistical evidence to say so one way or another.

Everyone here posts from the perspective of their own experience. We are all perfectly aware that some EAC have had no option to walk away from their very-much-less-than-"good" parents and we are also perfectly aware, as you seem to be too, that that isn't always the case.

We endeavour to support one another, whether that person has been estranged or is the one who chose to estrange, and I know there are some EAC who can attest to that.

I'm sorry you're feeling low DSL. The anniversary of your loss must be a huge hurdle, try and remember that your pain is testament to the love you shared. Remember to hang onto that love and treasure the love of your son, and do look forward to those happy moments.

I think the impending house move can't help. I totally feel in limbo - at the mercy of others who are supposed to be making it happen and worrying it will all fall through. And while I'm trying to keep the place nice and clean for the next owner and the garden tidy I'm not emotionally invested in the work I'm doing now that I'm emotionally leaving. We supposedly booked a survey middle of last week and are still waiting for them to actually organise it with the vendor. Even the little things like a spot of decorating or putting new plants in the garden would give me a lift if I was feeling more settled.

Hope the next two days aren't as bad as you fear DL. My autoimmune condition makes my body very sensitive to heat extremes and I have sinusitis atm which is making me a bit feverish. Got all the curtains closed and it's 23 in the house atm which is fine for now. Fingers crossed it's still bearable later. I know we won't keep the heat out all day.

I didn't see the other thread but there are plenty of unbalanced people on the internet who use it as a way to vent their fury and become obsessed with people who 'trigger' them. Even that word makes me shudder - it suggests someone is a cocked gun just waiting to go off at a wrong word. Don't get me wrong, we all have our tender spots and can read things that inadvertently poke at them and cause us great pain. But surely, the normal response is to stop reading the thing, and realise the person talking about something that is painful to us isn't targeting anyone with it. (although on the rare occasion they are but that's something else).

You have every right to tell your own story and be heard Whiff. You aren't directing vitreol at anyone else and do not deserve to be on the receiving end of it. I find your 'ramblings' as you call them a comfort. I might not always feel I have much to say here, but reading how others are getting along and dealing with it is still a huge source of support.

I'm sorry someone has upset you smiles. As I say, I missed it, but I have never seen you do anything but support those in pain and empathise with them, and if someone finds that a bad thing ... well ... what does it say about them?
I think there are people out there who think that every word they read is about them, that every situation is comparable to their own. I assume they project their own pain and anger everywhere and feel a though they are on the receiving end of it without seeing what they give out. I hope they get the help they need but bullying someone else to feel better is never the answer.

riete Your experience is different to Whiff's and that's fine. People with similar experiences often find one another, and those people will often validate one another's experiences because they are indeed shared. I'm sure there are many estranged adult children who have tried everything to fix broken relationships with their parents. Just as there are many on this thread whose adult children estranged them with no explanation, sometimes at the behest of another party. Being on the receiving end of that is very different to what you describe. This thread is for everyone affected by the pain of estrangment, but we all need to be aware that everyone comes here with their own story and generalisations don't help.

Also, the definition of what constitutes a 'good' parent continuously evolves. Obviously, there will be things that 'bad' parents do that we would all stand against. But every generation thinks it knows all the rules of 'good parenting' and it never quite pans out that way.