Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Whiff.....you did not anyone down, you fought your corner and you defended this thread.

Pixie....estrangement undermines our confidence and makes us fearful that it can happen again with our other loved ones. It makes us question everything. Try not to worry....easier said than done I know.

Smiles.....you are a pioneer. I salute you. ?

Madgran./Hugshelp you raise an interesting point about the "generation gap". Such a false construct, one that had been fed by an irresponsible media.

I am still furious that Jeremy Paxman, a man of supposedly high intellect, had the sheer stupidity to start the whole ridiculous "boomer bashing" scenario when he accused his and our generation of stealing the future of those that come after us. And all because he was suffering from some kind of mid life crisis, feeling angst and guilt over his success. Stupid, feckless, self indulgence on his part, anything to sell a book which was no more than a vanity project.

Now, as a result "boomers" get blamed for everything - from global capitalism to global warming, and yes I think estrangement is also part of that general "blame it all on the wrinklies" mentality.

Which just goes to show how badly the educational system has let down so many of our young people.

If they had any knowledge of the history of the 20th century and of our culture then they would know it is the Boomer generation who were in the vanguard of social change and to whom they owe many of the rights they know take for granted.

We are the generation who joined CND, who protested against the Vietnam war, who fought against apartheid, who fought for equal rights for women, for ethnic minorities, for the civil rights movement, for gays. Without our involvement there would be no equal pay act for women, no legal abortion, homosexuality would be illegal punishable by a prison sentence.

And yes, even as far back as the 1970s it was the Boomers who tried to warn the powers that be about climate change but we were ignored and laughed at for being crackpots, vegetarian, sandal wearing hippies.

Ironic isn't it.......we get blamed for all society's ills and yet it was my generation that did so much, raising consciousness, protesting and effecting change where we could. Without our collective efforts through the 60s, 70s and 80s and the political changes we forced through our young people would not enjoy many of the freedoms and opportunities they have today.

Women, ethnic minorities etc would still be 2nd class citizens and people would not have the freedom to love and marry who they want without fear of repercussions.

Without us there would have been no Live Aid, No Comic Relief, none of the huge fund raising efforts, that goes on today. These were all initiatives started by the maligned and hated Boomer Generation.

As my mum was wont to say "they don't know they are born".

Well they are about to find out. Global warming is here to stay, this heatwave is not a one off, America is fast sending women back into the Middle Ages, (Gilead here we come) and the gulf between the haves and have nots is wider than ever. Who ever thought we would be needing food banks in a rich economy like ours.

Instead of berating the Boomers for our failures it is high time the younger generation took up the baton and take up where we left off. It's time for them to fight for their rights and freedoms the way we did,

Will they wake up and realise that they need to protect democracy and civilisation or will they just whinge about how awful everything is, and yet do nothing to improve their lot.

Yes my generation made mistakes, the biggest of which was to put our trust in our governments and political leaders. We should have monitored them better and made them more accountable.

My challenge to our young people is this......engage, get political and fight back, because if you don't you are in danger of losing all the freedoms that have been gained over the last half of the 20th century,

What has my little rant got to do with estrangement.?? Everything.

My message is this.......Stop blaming your parents and playing the victim. Take responsibility and fight for your rights and freedoms, the very same freedoms that your parents fought so hard for. The Boomers didn't sit back and wait for freedom and social justice to be handed to them on a plate, they fought for it, just as our parents generation fought WW2 to protect our way of life.

Now it's up to those who follow us to take up the baton and fight to protect those gains, because if you don't then they will be lost.

You only have to look at what's happening in the world to see how precarious your position is.

I've found that too Whiff. When you tell someone your AC has estranged you it is amazing how may say it's happened to them, a family member or a friend.

It is getting better and being talked about more openly which can only be a good thing. As you know, I was talking about it on ITV's 'This Morning' 4 years ago. 4 years ago next month I think.

Good old 'Gloria', she did rather well didn't she.

I know because I can talk about my son here it's enabled me to talk to others in real life. I was amazed at how many people told me that they haven't spoken to children for years. Because they cut off contact. In my road there is a 93 year old man who's son hasn't spoked to him in 5 years. And he doesn't know why. Luckily he has his daughter ,her brother has cut ties with her as well. My window cleaner is estranged from his 6 siblings because he disagreed with one of them and the other 5 took her side. I have other examples.

Like DerbyshireLass has said and others estrangement has long been a taboo subject. When I was a lot younger no one every said cancer it was the big C. Estrangement is like that. It's as if people are afraid if they say it out loud it's catching.

Like the death of a loved one we all grieve for the lost of a family member due to estrangement. It's like dementia the persons body is still there but who they were has died. It's how I feel about my son. The son I knew died and this stranger took his place. My son and daughter in law have faced a lot of things since they have been together but always face them with courage and the determination to over come any obstacles. That's why I find it so hard that my son decided to ended our relationship so cruelly and cowardly.
He has always been able to talk to both me and his dad about anything. When we had the children we said no subject would be taboo. And anything they asked would be answered truthfully. Which in those days meant a trip to the library so I could find the answers if we didn't know.

I won't mention something's they asked just to say good job I am not easily shocked.

Over the years where I used to live people would say they didn't see thier child or children and didn't understand what they where going through. I do now.

I haven't spoken to my son since April 2020. He's choice not mine. I worry about them all the time . And imagine what my grandson's look like. I just hope they are all well and happy. But I can never see a time I will ever see any of them again and that is hard to bear.

What a terrible waste of a BFG hugshelp, the deteriorating smell of cream must have been very unpleasant.

Don't berate yourself because of the way you feel PP. I think the saddest and hardest legacy of estrangement is the fear that we will lose someone else we love.

It's lovely that your son's 'in love'. We saw a young couple last night when we were walking our dogs and smiled at one another as we remembered those early giddy days of romance, especially when it's summer and weather's so good.

Maybe your son is ensuring that he's met 'the one' before he introduces his new love to his mum.

FWIW I think it was a good idea to bring that post to the attention of GNHQ Madgran. It's a shame that some posters can't be left alone to care for and support one, another but the support threads and some who post on them have often been targeted over the years.

You haven't let yourself or anyone else down Whiff. I think it's great that this thread means so much to people that they want to defend it and more importantly, that we want to defend anyone who contribute to it who is being unfairly and unnecessarily criticised.

Mr. S. took our dogs out early this morning Yogin and we'll take them out again tonight about 9.00 pm when I get back from choir, although I think it might get cancelled due to the heat.

Chewbacca it must be awful to be so unhappy and miserable that you're reduced to trying to make people you don't even know, feel the same way.

I would never have found the very first one either DSL nearly 10 years ago if it had not been started here on GN. We have nothing to be ashamed of, we have no need to hide our pain and grief.

For anyone who doesn't want to share their own or share in ours, they just have to ignore this thread and any of the others on this forum that bother them. Simples.

MiaZadora. If this thread had been part of a private group or chat room I would not have stumbled upon it. I wouldn't have received the help, support, guidance and friendship which helped me through a dark period of my life,

I do think this thread needs to remain in the public domain, it has helped me enormously and I doubt very much I am the only one to have benefitted from it,

Estrangement has, for far too long, been seen as some sort of guilty secret. Many people who are estranged, whether EPs or EACs, have been made to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment, I for one feel that estrangement has to come out of the closet.

Far too many estrangees (is that a word?) suffer in silence. More forums like this are needed, more understanding of what is a difficult and emotive subject. For far too many people estrangement is a burden they carry alone, it is their dark guilty secret.

We need to shine a light on estrangement and bring it out into the open, so that the world has a better understanding, we can't do that if we hide away in secret chat rooms,

Just wanted to get that out of the way before I read the other posts.

Oh dear MiaZadora. What is it about a group of estranged people, predominantly EP's talking together, sharing experiences and supporting one another that bothers you so much?

It is this thread we want to protect so it remains a safe place for people to share, not our community. We don't want this to be a private group or discussion far from it, because we want others to be encouraged by the positive posts and comforted by the knowledge that they are not alone, they are not the only ones living with estrangement.

No one on this thread thinks they own this forum. No one on this thread would go onto another thread and criticise it, and anyone that posts there, simply because it exists.

If you want to share anything about your own estrangement experience you are more than welcome. If you have have anything constructive and supportive to offer, please do that too.

If you don't like this thread then don't read it, I think it's possible to hide threads on this forum so that you don't even see them on the 'Trending' list.

There are and have been threads on GN that I wouldn't want to partake in, and sometimes that I don't particularly like, but I wouldn't go on and suggest they move from a public forum to a private chat room. They really don't bother me that much.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

the question i’ve been battling with since reading your responses is, should i make a second post or not? on the one side, sense said not. but the other side prevailed.

okay, so what do i want to say? two things, really.
one: i absolutely didn’t intend to offend anyone on the site (or off, for that matter); and two, i never intended any suggestion that whiff is or was anything other than a good parent. i never thought it, i never said it, and i’m still not quite sure why whiff thought i did.

okay, so there you have it. no offence intended. your choice on whether you decide to take any.

on my side of the fence, “disappointed” was the absolute least word i could have used about that phrase, “I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents“. if you’d merely added the word “some”: “some adult children”: well then it would have fitted with all your chosen criteria, about respect and so on.

well i’ve said my two things. and now, to quote someone higher up the thread, “i’m out”.

Morning all

It's hot, hot, hot today!

Back from walkies in the park, went before 7am, such a nice atmosphere in the park, like every ones on holiday.

Collene on Loose women, her son got married on Saturday and she feels the same as you Pixie as her son still lived with her, she was weepy as she felt she was losing her son, but does adore her new d.i.l

Yes I understand what you meant hugs thanks

Purplepixie, it's good your son has found someone. I'm afraid we do lose them eventualy, but that's natural, hopefully you will be included in his and his partners life. We are a big part of their life until they fully reach maturity but then we do step back. I have always accepted that but it's hard when your not even a tiny part of it and estranged, in time we even live with that. It's because you are estranged from your two eldest test you are worrying, he has always been there for you and I'm sure you always will.
Sick of this heat I would absolutely hate to live in these temperatures long term.

Language not laugh?

MiaZadora81 if your aim is to hurt and upset people you must be a very unhappy person. And you did attack people on the thread you started. Don't pretend you didn't.

If you are genuine you can get across your point without personal attacks. We all have our stories and they are our one. Everyone is different and has different experiences.

Your experience of estrangement is yours and yours alone. If you need friendship,help and support you will get it. But not by attacking others and there experiences and views. If all you want to do is attack people. Go on Reddit from what I have since of they site anything goes including bad laugh.

I meant the post you quoted Madgran not yours - just realised that wasn't totally clear but I think you knew what I meant.
I was on a post about the weather on MN yesterday and someone said, 'at least our younger generation gets it'. Which was ridiculously ageist considering none of the posters on either side of the debate mentioned their age. I hate how the 'generation gap' is dredged up to pit people against one another. As for lecturing you on how to use social media, my thoughts include words like condescending and uppity but I'll leave it at that.
There's lurking and there's lurking - the intent usually reveals itself.

That post had quite a confrontational tone madgran. Can see perfectly well why you thought it ought to be deleted. I often think it's a shame we can't delete or edit our posts on here ourselves. Might make life easier for the site admins.

I just wanted GN to know that a potential argument might develop hugshelp. People absolutely have the right to express differing views. However I do believe that that can be done with kindness and respect, even when saying things that are difficult to hear and without patronising.

Actually I am interested in the "generational gap" idea as a generalisation, and have to laugh as I managed to mistakenly post instead of contacting GN ..the irony eh! Especially as in my work career I had to be pretty IT savvy so that can't be my excuse. And I was the one who instigated and "drove" my largely much younger very large team to use IT in all its glory, to support their work and improve efficiency!!

It's so easy, when we have been estranged, to fear losing everyone PP. I know the slightest thing can have me thinking I'll lose my wonderful daughter after what happened with our son. And when we're stressed and tired those thoughts can run away with themselves. I hope you got some sleep in the end and it helps I expect he'll be ready to introduce you soon. There's something 'big' about the meet the parents thing so we're often not first to get introduced. Besides, it's rather inevitable that the flatmates would meet them. Hope that's all it is and you'll soon be making friends with his new love.

You haven't let anyone down Whiff. Your feelings are allowed. You're a wonderful, strong, but sometimes vulnerable like all of us, human being. I miss all that lovely 70s food. Though I do often make trifle - without the hundreds and thousands.
I was thinking about the treats I used to like as a girl. Does anyone remember blackjack and fruit salads? Bar six. Crisps with the little blue bag of salt. Frys chocolate cream bar. Mint cracknel. Old Jamaica Rum bar. Pick n Mix at Woolies. Kop Kops and sasparella drops? I think there was one that was like a mini box of chocolates in a chocolate bar as well. Which reminds me of the old milk tray advert and the milky bar kid.

That post had quite a confrontational tone madgran. Can see perfectly well why you thought it ought to be deleted. I often think it's a shame we can't delete or edit our posts on here ourselves. Might make life easier for the site admins.

So I have just posted the above by accident when it was meant to be a report to GN! My purpose in reporting was to try and avoid the support thread descending into an argument instead of support for anyone estranged. I very very rarely have reported a post, and in reporting this one I know it doesn't break guidelines I just think it is a pity when arguments ruin discussion, support and cause hurt. Anyway if people are angry with me for reporting, so be it. Happy to take responsibility for my decision !

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I annoyed with myself I let that poster get to me. I am better than that. But after that other thread and Smiles being attacked I let myself down and all of you.

Unfortunately I am in a second pain flare. Had one last week and usually have 4-6 weeks between them. Never had 2 so close together. Plus I started with a cold yesterday. Hate summer colds. My daughter and family have all had one. I don't usually catch one off them but must have picked it up when I was with them Friday and for a couple of hours on Saturday.

It's 27°c in my living room it's 4.15.

Purplepixie hope you are feeling happier today. Your younger son being in love is wonderful. Because of your love and caring he is able to love and care for someone in return. I know you miss him but it's shows how good a mom you are that he can give that love to another person. It can be a worry that the other person will hurt him or take him away from you. But that's what we have to do as parents. We have to let our children go and live their own lives and hopefully find that special person that makes their life complete .

I was so happy when my son met my daughter in law. He was 16 when his dad died. And coping with that grief altered he's behaviour for a while. But I understood as we where all grieving. My grief was different to my children's. After dinner he would go out but he always came home unfortunately some nights drunk and then spent all night going into his bedroom to check he hadn't choked on his own vomit . He has conveniently forgotten that. I was so happy when he met his future wife a year later he was happy again and the son I knew again .. She helped him cope with his grief. I took to her straight away. But as I have said before my daughter and her never got on from the first time they met. But my daughter never treated her badly as she was her brothers girlfriend. They met when they where 17 now 35 this year.

Over the years she showed me great kindness and I loved her as my own. The rest of my family treated her as a member of the family. Like they did with my daughter's future husband. My daughter started to go out with him a month after my husband was diagnosed as terminal. She said she had been asked out and didn't know what to do. Her dad said do you like this boy if so go out with him. I am dieing nothing we can do about that but you have to live your life. They where 20 now 39 this year .

I was always proud and happy both our children found their other halves while young. My husband never met my daughter's future husband as he was getting worse and he limited the people he saw. And our daughter didn't want her boyfriend to see her dad suffering which we understood. My dad didn't want to see my children the last 6 months of his life . I was hurt and asked why. He pointed at his chest and said this is not me they are the oldest I want them to remember me as I was not this. Then I understood. My dad like my husband hated how they changed as they where dieing day by day.

I loved and still love my husband very much. To me I am still married. I know I am classed as single now but hate it. Because he died 18 years ago paperwork wasn't on computers. You had a choice of single ,married or divorced on the paperwork. I crossed them out and wrote widowed. Glad to see over the years they put widow/ widower.

The picture of your walk Purplepixie is is lovely.

All the talk about ice cream made me wish I had some in. But I can't trust myself not to eat the whole lot in a day. Even individual bars would be gone in a day . I am still trying to lose the last stone and a bit I want to get off. Some foods I can't control so don't buy them .

Hugshelp that made me laugh about the black forest gateau. Good job you have quick as Smiles would say reflexes like a cat. Made me think of all the foods that where the rage in the 70's Birds trifle mix where the hundreds and thousands used to loose there colour and run if you put them on to soon before eating . Artic roll,Angel delight,melon and Parma ham ,Florida cocktail to name but a few. I was surprised you can still get Birds trifle mix and Angel delight.
Any sort of gateau never goes out of fashion.

Well getting up now. Didn't water my greenhouse last night as it was 30° in there. I have more french beans to pick as well. And time to cool the bungalow down.

Talk of making sure you have some salt remind to have a bit but I also take folic acid as I am having a drink every hour. When I had recurring UTIs and kidney infections I upped my fluid intake and my GP said to go back to 8-10 drinks a day and not the 14-16 I was drinking. I reduced my sodium and folic acid levels to low. Ended up having to have folic acid tablets for 3 months.

Try and stay as cool as you can.

Chewbacca

I did not become obsessed with anyone and that's a really dramatic and silly thing to say.

Some of you seem to think that you own this forum and that "lurking" is a crime. I understand that there are generational gaps when it comes to social media and technology, but surely you all must understand that this is not your neighborhood to police. I understand that you have a community and you want to protect it, but if you want a private group for just yourselves, there are places for that and ways to accomplish it.

Make no mistake, every social media platform has people who watch/read and choose not to interact, it's not some sinister crime.

I spoke to my youngest son earlier for not very long. He was tired and the apartment was so hot and he was distracted. I said that maybe we could speak another time as I felt he just wanted to have a shower and go to bed but no he wanted to speak. He is in love and I am so happy for him but I feel like he is drifting away to someone else. I know I am tired as well and being totally selfish and not thinking straight. He spends all his weekend with them and I havent even seen a photo of them yet when his 2 flat mates have met them. I feel sad yet happy. What the hell is going on with my head? Sorry if this sounds totally irrational but I cannot calm my head down tonight and want to sit and cry. Yes, i am tired and hot and this flaming house is like a furnace and hubby is sound asleep! I have two estranged kids and my youngest son is my love and my rock. I miss him and yet I want him to be happy. Sorry, I will go to bed now and everything (not everything) will look a bit better tomorrow. Night night.

I loved Black Forest Gateaux.
I used to work opposite a bakery that made a really divine version. I bought one once to take home for a romantic meal I had planned when Mr Hugs and I were first together. It was on the back seat of my car in a thin cardboard box while I was driving home. A child ran out in front of the car and I had to do an emergency stop. Cue one very large BFG flying through the car and smashing into the windscreen. I was clearing up cake crumbs and increasingly smelly cream for weeks.

So was Black Forest Gateaux, do you remember that hugshelp? It was one of my favourites.

Just got back from our walk with the dogs. Bless them they had a good run around and really enjoyed themselves. It was just the right temperature for them so we'll do the same thing tomorrow when I get back from choir practice.