Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Dotcom

DL what about PHABS??

It could run and run with possible variations lol ?

Yes it could DL and Dotcom something to do if we're feeling bored.

Anyway as you can see I am still holding space.

Holding space for EAC aging into gransnet and needing a kind supportive place to tell their stories that are individual to them.

Holding space for those in abusive situations who don't know how to leave yet.

Holding space for those who are estranged but now facing elderly relatives that need care.

We deserve space too. I will hold it until every thread on estrangement is safe and supportive, kept on topic and free from arguments about other peoples personal situations.

Thank you VS.

I think it is rather hypocritical to expect a safe space while actively posting negatively on other people's safe spaces.

There are multiple posters that want an EP only thread. There are many posters who want an EAC only thread. And just a handful of posters who disrupt that. Until those who continually and gleefully disrupt decide to stop, GN will never be a complete safe space for anyone in estrangement. So maybe a change of expectations is needed.

I do have a lot of respect for many EPs here. It breaks my heart to have to stand here and say, this is the only place that is kept safe and supportive. So I need to hold space here.

We could change this.

I've started a few threads recently in that vein, to promote understanding and support for one another. To promote understanding about what is harmful to say to estranged parents and estranged children.

There will be those who are able to take a step back and see that.

Take a step back and look at what we could have here, with a little work, a little patience and a little kindness.

Ask, is it really OK to go to an EAC thread and tell them they weren't abused?

Is it OK to go to a thread and disrupt it with "random odd conversations and humour"?

Have I made my point?

" Ask if it is really OK to go on an EAC thread and tell them they weren't abused?"
Where has that happened? I genuinely have not seen it. It is not OK ,but neither are posts insisting that most EP's were abusers.
" Is it OK to go on a thread and disrupt it with random odd conversations and humour?"
Yes it is OK because it creates connection and connection creates a feeling of support for lots of us. Surely that is the whole point?
I was both an abused child and an EP so I try to see things from both viewpoints.

I don't agree

It happened today

The thread deliberately disrupted was about abusive people

Can we work together or not?

BTW

Aren't all the viewpoints.... individual?

Me too Normandygirl abused as a child and an EP.

There have been some random conversations here and humour. Can you imagine how depressing these threads could be without some humour? You're spot on, some light hearted banter does help create connections and in some cases strong bonds, just like it does in real life.

Anyway, I've had an exhausting day

I'm not asking anyone to apologise

I'm not asking anyone to hold their hands up and be accountable

I'm not asking anyone to stick to their own threads, I think all opinions are valid if expressed with genuine kindness a concern.

All I am asking is that we can allow space in Estrangement going forward.

EAC deserve space here. I shouldn't have to hold it, it should just exist.

Night all

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202208/medium-659359-20220801-105557.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202208/medium-789156-20220731-165659.jpg

Oh good, I hate disappointing.

Lovely long weekend in the Lakes but I'm out of practice driving on motorways, especially with spray from humongous lorries!

Looks fab Chewbacca. Well I hate driving on motorways so you're doing better than me.

So what's going on? What's happening? The gas is on, the spare room is ready and waiting at our lodge and you're no where to be seen.

Tried to do a detour Smileless but went hopelessly awry and ended up back at home! But don't worry, I'll pitch up when you're least expecting me!

VioletSky

Anyway, I've had an exhausting day

I'm not asking anyone to apologise

I'm not asking anyone to hold their hands up and be accountable

I'm not asking anyone to stick to their own threads, I think all opinions are valid if expressed with genuine kindness a concern.

All I am asking is that we can allow space in Estrangement going forward.

EAC deserve space here. I shouldn't have to hold it, it should just exist.

Night all

All we need to do is allow posters to be able to express their thoughts in their own way, not to a " prescribed" format.
There is already a reporting system in place for any offensive posting and I don't see the need for additional policing of how people are allowed to express themselves, be it through anger, frustration, sadness or humour. That's the whole point of an open forum.
Hope your exhausting day was enjoyable though!

It seems to me there are 4 (at least!) categories with estrangement. The abusive/narcissistic parents; the loving parents who made mistakes; the abusive EAC’s; and the hurt EAC’s. I can’t imagine either abusive parents or abusive EAC’s being particularly interested in a forum like this….I imagine their lives being too self centred to engage. If I’m right, then every person on here is hurting, in pain, bewildered by what’s happened. Yet when we comment, it’s often with the hurtful person in mind (be that the parents or the EACs). However reading the comments are those in the ‘different’ categories…..those who care, who are hurting. So it’s not surprising people on here get hurt further by some things that are posted with the abusive relative in mind. Estrangement is a terrible thing. I suspect everyone on here knows this and wishes it wasn’t part of their lives. Longs for there to be a way to reconcile. The people on this forum are here because we are the ones who do care about what’s happened. We aren’t monsters. Big shout out to everyone on here who is getting on with life and managing triggers as best they can. You are all stars and truly inspirational.

An insightful post Spring20; I suspect that people, from all spectrums of estrangement post for a myriad of reasons, some seeking like minded souls to share experiences, both good and bad and get a little support, some because their bitter and angry and just can't let go and need to vent their fury and disappointment somewhere and some because they're struggling to get their heads around what the hell happened to them and are hoping others can help. It's a mixed bag alright!

Thanks, you put that very well, Spring?

Good posts Normandygirl and Spring.

“they're struggling to get their heads around what the hell happened to them and are hoping others can help”

Brilliant Chewbaca!!!

Hi all,
Just another flying visit. Lots of interesting, thoughtful, and random stuff to read. No way can I reply to all that! The survey for the bungalow we're after came and it's very long.......................................
Still deciphering it and sorting out bits and pieces. Urgh I have adminitis and it's melted my brain.

Just take your time deciphering it hugs. Hope there aren't any nasty surprises.

It's been nearly 2 years since my son decided he wanted zero contact . I had no say in the matter . It was not my choice but his . But as much as it's hurts me that I have no contact with him or my grandson's my husband dieing hurts me more.

My son was brought up in a loving and caring home. Extended family who love him. When he met his future wife I loved her like my own so did my family. I have talked about my husband's family and my dad's . Both men didn't know what a real family was until my dad met my mom and my husband met me.

I have never abused in any shape or form my son or daughter in law. My dad knew all about abuse as he was subjected to it. I don't mean sexual but my dad always said his dad and stepmother didn't spare the rod. Plus he was malnourished along with his siblings. Neither of them where loved. But my dad and husband gave so much love and caring to my brother and me. And in turn our children and my nephew and nieces. I was brought up knowing aunt , uncles,cousins ,great aunt's etc. My dad and husband because of my mom and me never knew anything but unconditional love. Which my children have.

My son made his choice and I will never understand why and I do not appreciate anyone trying to make out I do. As they are calling me a liar which I am not.

My son didn't just cut me out of his life but all our side of the family.

I am an estranged mom I didn't estrange my son he did that. The way he did it was cruel and cowardly via email and letter. He has always been able to talk to me and his dad no subject in our family was taboo. My husband died in agony 18 years ago and my grief for him gets worse every day,week,month ,year.

We didn't have children to look after us as we got older as been suggested on other threads by estranged adult children. We had children because if our love for eachother. We instilled into both children all the values I was brought up with. They had and have unconditional love .

I let my children fly after my husband died. I could have been one of those mom's how hold on to their children . But I told them both it was there time as me and their dad had ours .

I would never dream of turning my back on any of my family. As much as I hated my in laws we never turned out backs on them or kept the children away from them as that would have been cruel.

I looked after my mother in law for 11 years after my husband died because she was family and needed me. I did the same for my parents.

My son and daughter in law knows what a mother , mother in law and grandmother is who doesn't show any love or caring they knew my husband's mom. But they do know what a loving caring mom ,mother in law and grandmother is because they know me and my mom .

Dementia killed my mom long before her body died. I know about violence as dementia robbed my me of my mom . And my mom who never laid a hand on me attacked me everyday for her last 4 months. But I had her living with me for the last 18 months of her life because I wouldn't put her in a home. I loved my mom to much for that.

Estranged parents and those who estrange their parents will never see eye to eye . Because we come from different places .

I have never given up on anyone my whole life and never will it's not who I am. It's easy to walk away but harder to stay.

So if anyone thinks I did something to make my son throw my away like a piece of rubbish. Keep your opinions to yourself. You have no idea about my life or me.

Yoginimeisje

Does anyone else get irritated by the constant interruptions with unrelated, pointless, stupid and moronic adverts we get during videos on YouTube?

They have to be able to keep it a free service somehow!

Normandygirl

*" Ask if it is really OK to go on an EAC thread and tell them they weren't abused?"*
Where has that happened? I genuinely have not seen it. It is not OK ,but neither are posts insisting that most EP's were abusers.
" Is it OK to go on a thread and disrupt it with random odd conversations and humour?"
Yes it is OK because it creates connection and connection creates a feeling of support for lots of us. Surely that is the whole point?
I was both an abused child and an EP so I try to see things from both viewpoints.

It can be the point- but not when those humourous stories are used as a way to shut down or change direction of a thread

It’s the latter type when somebody will then go back to a different thread and discuss gleefully how they have turned somebody else’s thread into a thread about them. This has happened extremely recently

Why do some, not all, posters completely step over VSs posts when she's trying to contribute something thoughtful? Is it intentional? It sometimes feels quite pointed.