Gransnet forums


Mum and Dad relationship

(235 Posts)
lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:16:28


Currently in a very bad place with my parents over the last 14-15 months.

It began last year when my 7 year old son said he was worried in case he forgot a pencil that my mum and dad had given him (as silly as this sounds).

My wife and I have experienced similar things with them over the years - if things aren’t given back to them they create a very uneasy atmosphere.

I was raging - how dare they make a 7 year old feel this way.

I immediately drafted out a text to them - we aren’t the type of family to discuss things face to face as my dad can get quite confrontational though no physical abuse.

My wife made the text less angry and it was sent. No reply all day. My dad dropped my son off at night and ignored the issue completely. He turned to walk off to go home and I said “hang on, are we not going to talk about this?” and he turned around to blame it all on my anxiety.

I couldn’t believe it. He was getting away with this again!

So I got mad and told him how he did this to people all the time, made people on edge for years, made people anxious etc.

Fast forward a year, he still hasn’t spoken to me, ignores me at every opportunity (along with my wife), ignores the fact that my brother agreed with everything I said about him (still sees him and was going to take my son to see him), ignores the fact my brother bullied me when I was younger (he would stand me up in corner of a room and force me to say words I couldn’t say. He then avoided mr for the next 20 years), and I have had to cut contact with them both.

There is a whole history behind this but I won’t detail it here.

Hope someone can be compassionate with me!

They also have form for this as my two uncles also cut contact to the point my mum wasn’t told when my uncle died about funeral etc.

My brother gets on with them (despite agreeing with my points!) but he doesn’t have a wife or child and lives 25 miles away so only sees them for an hour or two every few weeks. He also keeps them at arms length.

That’s my story!

BlueBelle Thu 14-Jul-22 06:24:08

How strange Sounds a bit of a storm in a teacup all over a child being told not to lose a pencil !!! How can you be raging over that ?

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:27:32

Because they were making my son feel anxious and worried over something so minor.

This is what they do and we had had a history of the same thing.

Over something do pathetic as a pencil.

Do you think it’s fair to make a child feel this way?

If they make him feel this way over a pencil, what about things that are actually important in life?

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:41:22

When I gave my mum the letter saying I was cutting contact we made sure my son wasn’t around.

We made sure he was not involved.

Last night my dad gave me a letter which I threw back at him while my son was there.

Now he asks questions, is wondering why his grandpa and grandma is doing it etc.

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:44:30

You say it began last year, but it’s obviously a family problem that’s been making you angry since you were a child.

You say that you ‘have had to cut contact’ with other family members as well.

Maybe some counselling might help you?

It might be that you are projecting your fears and problems onto your son and his relationship with his Grandparents, you were raging, yet your Father didn’t mention anything about it?

Maybe try to reset your relationship with your parents? Start afresh and try not to read the negative aspects of everything they say or do.

I’m sorry you have so much anger from your childhood but I really think a 3rd party to talk to might be a way forward.p and help you to see past your rage and anger.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:52:06

We haven’t projected our fears onto our son at all - we haven’t spoken badly or negatively of them to my son, allowed him to see them after school etc.

My dad also knows I don’t want him to see my son football yet he still turns up every time - which I accept he’s fully allowed to do.

Counselling wise I have had 5 of them. Most said to cut contact.

One said to act as if he is dead!

Sara1954 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:53:47

Why didn’t you just say to your son, that there was no reason whatever to worry about a pencil, grandad was being a bit silly, and if he couldn’t find it, you’d get him another one, so trivial, so easily sorted.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 06:58:08

I don’t want to reset anything because they just blame me and the way I’ve treated them.

They can’t see their faults even though they’ve been raised for 30 years.

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:00:38

So your 7 yr old didn’t pick up that you were ‘raging’?

You asked your father ‘aren’t we going to discuss this’ presumably your child heard you say this?

Your Father turns up to watch your son at football, do you greet him politely or stand and seethe?

Do you really think that a 7 yr old doesn’t know how angry you are?

If you have been told by many counsellors to cut contact why don’t you? If it’s because you want your son to see his Grandparents, then you really have to get over your past history and let him have his own relationship with them.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:12:48

No my son didn’t hear me speak to my dad - as I have said previously, we keep him out of it.

My dad turns up 5 minutes after training starts and CHOOSES to stand on a side of the field well away from every other parent. He then leaves 5 minutes behind the end.

He ignores me and my wife.

I have also said that we have cut contact.

With regards saying that to my son, my parents are emotionally abusive and if you let them do this, they will walk all over him as they have done to me and my wife.

Why should we ignore it and ENABLE their abuse which it is?

BlueBelle Thu 14-Jul-22 07:14:04

All you had to do was say to your son in the first place don’t worry lad, nanny and grandad are a bit fussy about losing things
Instead you have used it to flare up a huge family feud

Your Dad gave you a letter last night and you threw it back at him in front of your son ….over a blooming pencil You need some help fast If you have five counsellors and none have worked for you then the trouble lies with you

Get some help before you project all your anger and frustrations onto your seven year old, yes, YOU are the one making him nervous
Perhaps you had a horrendous childhood but you don’t have to carry that weight, that hurt, the fears around on your shoulders and pass them all on to the next generation


lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:17:16

We are not doing anything to my son - we allow them to see him, we don’t speak ill of them etc etc.

Why should we allow my mum and dad to do that to him by covering over it?

Because they will keep on doing it and have an be effect on him like they did with me.

We are passing nothing onto our son - except the opposite to how I was brought up.

We talk. We accept we are wrong. We have fun. We open up if things aren’t going perfectly. We celebrate when things are great.

And WE are wrong?

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:18:06

The bloody pencil is irrelevant here.

If it wasn’t that, it would be something else.

Pencil = irrelevant

BlueBelle Thu 14-Jul-22 07:21:54

But can’t you see by standing alone at the football match and arriving late and leaving early your father is doing the right thing he is avoiding any kind of confrontation whilst still getting ti see his grandson
I m sorry to sound like a broken record but you are the one that needs the help the tips on how to behave in confrontation

Your parents might be the worst people in the world and you may have had a nasty childhood but you are fanning the flames with your utter rage Now this rage maybe explainable from your childhood but you need to learn how to release that rage in a positive manner and you are not managing it at all well at the moment

I can even feel your rage at people not agreeing with you on here You need to be able to release that rage in a positive way not the negative path you are choosing at the moment

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:23:59

Ok no problem. Thanks for the help.

lemsip Thu 14-Jul-22 07:24:01

you could have made your son feel much better yourself by telling him not to worry!

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:26:05

Ah yes, cos that always helps with someone who is anxious.

Just forget it and stop worrying son.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:43:04

You say he is doing right thing by standing away and ignoring us.

I’ll give you a counter to that - the silent treatment.

This relates to him wanting control and another form of emotional abuse he does.

He’s done same with my mums mum over the past 5 years.

Still doesn’t talk to her over 1 comment she made.

BlueBelle Thu 14-Jul-22 07:53:40

So after all you say is wrong with your father you still go back for more, you have been told by five counsellors to walk away, but nah still there and after 15 months of carrying this anger (over something that you now say is irrelevant)

Take a break from your family if they are as bad as you say they are If your dad is such an arse keep him out of your life

(You see you dad as giving you the silent treatment by not standing near you at the football match, I see it as trying to avoid any kind of public confrontation and a sensible move)

Your attitude is what is making your son anxious I m not wanting to sound harsh but change can only come from you
You cannot change others you can however change how you react to others

Good luck …. try a new counsellor

nadateturbe Thu 14-Jul-22 07:54:26

I think your problem is, you want your parents to admit they are wrong. That's not going to happen. And if they are so bad, why are you letting your son see them?

I think you should just accept the fact you don't get on, and get on with yor life. You need to learn how to be calm when things don't go your way. It's not good for your health to be so angry.

Sago Thu 14-Jul-22 07:58:07

Icr123 I have PM’d you.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 07:58:39

Yes nadateturbe - correct, I want them to hold their hands up and say they’ve been wrong.

But they won’t - I find it hard to accept.

BlueBelle - my son isn’t anxious in every day situations since we reduced their contact with them.

I’m not the one going back to them - they approached me.

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 08:01:58

Thank you Sago!

lcr123 Thu 14-Jul-22 08:06:19

nadateturbe - we have taken our son away a few weeks ago.

Mainly because I told them about my brother bullying me and they just ignored it.

Do they think I am either lying or they condone it.

Either way not people I want my son to be around.

I couldn’t lie if I tried.

JaneJudge Thu 14-Jul-22 08:16:44

They aren't going to admit they are wrong, so I think for your own sake you need to accept that and move on (easier said than done)

I'm not surprised people on here have got the wrong end of the stick as emotional abuse within families is really complex and I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor.