Mum and Dad relationship

I’m not sure what you want this thread to achieve?

Thank you!

Zonne - I wanted some compassion etc.

If that isn’t allowed, I won’t post again.

Lovely group so far.

Icr123 You come on GN and ask for help and advice but you reject every bit of help and advice you are given, and refuse to even consider anything we say.

I think it tells us all we need to know about the problems in your family and how receptive you are to any view but your own.

All i can say is how sad it is for your young son being brought up in this atmosphere of denied simmering rage.

Speaking with compassion, as someone who managed a fairly poisonous relationship with my parents, after many years of estrangement, so that my sons could have a good relationship with their grandparents, and given that you’ve posted on a board where many people have heartbreaking experience of being estranged from their children and grandchildren, you might do better asking for, and heeding, advice and support on how to Improve things for the benefit of your son.

Ok thanks.

A lot of anger over a pencil. Just think, there are worse things your Dad could have done . Despite the incident he still went to watch your son play. He is your son’s grandfather, who obviously loves him. Get rid of this angst and good luck !

I kind of get it. Your parents created negative emotions in you as a child and you don't want your child to have the same feelings you did. You believe you see your son experiencing the same anxiety you did when your parents got angry over something minor, which triggers your protective instinct. Is that right?

You may have to accept you are never going to get the acknowledgement from your parents of past hurts that you are after. The question is whether you can let that go and see if they are different now. I'm glad you're working through all this with a counsellor.

Mandrake - thank you!

A sensible post.

Pencil = final straw because all your paternal protective instincts rushed to the defence of your son, and good for you.

However, the damage and humiliation over years and years needs to be worked through with a third party, so really pleased you are seeing a counsellor. Hope you can work it out to a happier place.

Your dad sounds like (diplomatically called) a 'character' which really means that he is very domineering, perhaps a bully - like my late father.

Every sympathy, as it's like walking a tightrope. I often wondered what attracted mum to him. Did his mercurial nature make him seem an attractive and exciting boyfriend? Did she realise that on a day to day basis such types make difficult husbands? Was she really happy? As he liked to 'keep her on her toes' she became a doormat, after all it's more peaceful isn't it, than to keep fighting back?

Your brother has done the right thing by keeping contact to a minimum and perhaps you should do the same - but then there's the guilt you'd feel.

There's no easy answer, I'm afraid. My late father cast a very long shadow and lived to the age of 94 - it must have been sheer bloody mindedness which kept him going. I hope the counselling helps you to cope with your situation and gives you a sense of perspective.

Lixy - thank you. Yes you get it.

crazyH - as I’ve said previously, the pencil is irrelevant.

lovebeigecardigans1955 - I feel no guilt at all. I’m at peace when we don’t make contact.

But it doesn’t take much to bring those feelings up which is why the counselling.

Yes my brother made right choice - he agreed with everything I said about my dad but then kept quiet when he knew they ignored me and cut me out of their life for 14 months.

He’s probably more interested in the will.

lixy and mandrake have given good advice.
I get it too, and I understand your fears for your son.
Stick with the counselling.
Wishing you peace.

lixy

Pencil = final straw because all your paternal protective instincts rushed to the defence of your son, and good for you.

However, the damage and humiliation over years and years needs to be worked through with a third party, so really pleased you are seeing a counsellor. Hope you can work it out to a happier place.

Lixy Lovely Post.
Hope you can find some peace Ic123.

Thank you nadateturbe and Sweetpeasue.

Welcome to GN 1cr123. Your pain, anger and frustration are clearly visible in all your posts and as Mandrake has said "the question is whether you can let that go" and I would add, do you want to let it go.

Your son is 7 so for 7 years has had a relationship with his GP's. Have you considered how confusing and upsetting it will be for him if he has his GP's taken away?

With regard to the lost pencil, as has already been said, it would have been better if you'd played it down. Told your son not to worry, 'gran and grand dad are a bit fussy about this sort of thing but don't worry, we'll buy another pencil'.

I agree with Mandrake in that you are projecting your own feelings on anxiety onto your son who may not experience this type of behaviour the way you did when you were a child.

He doesn't live with them, he doesn't have a sibling who bullies him and isn't prevented from doing so by you, his parents. He has the love and security all children need on a daily basis at home.

I suggest you start thinking of some coping mechanisms. When your dad arrives to watch his GS play football for eg., rather than resent this, see it as a positive. He sees his GS, you can exchange a few pleasantries and when the match is over, he and your son can spend a few minutes together before you all go home.

A good counsellor will provide other suggestions for the best way to manage the relationship. Walking away/estranging IMO should be the last resort especially as there's an existing relationship between your son and your parents. As for the suggestion that you should think of your father as dead, is your son expected to do the same about his GF?

Apologies if I've got this wrong, but I have the impression that your parents see your son without you, taking him to see your brother who used to bully you, and who you had no contact with for 20 years.

As I've said, I may have got that wrong but if not, it does seem a very odd thing to do. If this is the brother who bullied you and who you have no contact with, how do you know he agrees with everything you say about your parents, and with your obvious concerns about your parents, why do you allow them to take your son to see his uncle?

Just seen your post @ 09.24 1cr and there are some confusing inconsistencies. In your OP you say the brother who bullied you, avoided contact for 20 years and you "have had to cut contact with them both".

Are you also saying your parents cut you out of their lives for 14 months? Did they continue to see their GS? Why did you re engage with them?

Smileless2012
“Your son is 7 so for 7 years has had a relationship with his GP's. Have you considered how confusing and upsetting it will be for him if he has his GP's taken away?”
Answer - my mum and dad fail to recognise the damage they’ve done to me, my brother and wife over the years, why won’t the same happen to my son?

This has been a final straw for us. We have let a lot of other things go.

At some point we need to protect my son instead of just ignoring things and telling him to forget about it.

They do this type of thing a lot. Again, pencil irrelevant.

I know my brother agreed with me as we text and spoke face to face.

I have forgiven him for bullying me as I feel he was in a bad place at home when younger with my parents - it was his reaction against it.

However he has had the chance to stick up for me - but chose not to.

When we were told he would see my son theta when we stepped.

My parents just ignore me being bullied - would you want your child around that?

I do not.

Yes my brother loved with us when younger,

Bullied me 9-12. Then avoided me til 30. No words. Avoided in school and home.

My mum and dad have cut me out of their lives for 14 months yes,

Still saw my son as we wanted to keep it separate.

Started to sort of see my mum and I told her about my brother agreeing with me,

Stunned silence from her.

Then asked her a few weeks later if she’s told my dad -“ no it’s not my place to tell him”.

So I sent an email to them telling him full story and saying I was cutting contact.

I'm sorry you're still struggling with these emotions and finding it hard to distance yourself from the painful experiences of childhood. We can choose our friends but not our relations!
You should give yourself a big pat on the back for not allowing history to repeat itself with your own son. You are working hard to create a happy family and, it seems, having much more success than your own father.
It's unrealistic to expect to eradicate all the tensions between you and your father but your son is yours not his and he can't take that away from you.
Good luck. Chin up. Wishing you lots of happy times with those you love most.

?

Hi there. Just wanted to say I am shocked about some of the lack of compassion shown to you here. I actually don’t normally comment on here but my heart goes out to you.
I can understand your sadness and your feelings are valid. When we have complex difficult relationships with our parents and we see them interacting with our children in the same way it can be very upsetting and triggering. This was about a pencil on the surface - but it was also nothing to do with a pencil at the same time. It’s to do with how your parents behave in a hurtful, unreasonable and demanding way then seemingly stonewall your valid feelings about being treated in that way. You could choose to ‘smooth’ it over; or you could say no. It sounds like you’ve opted to say no, which a lot of people do when they see their parents bad behaviour threatening to extend to their children. Follow your gut instinct and trust yourself. Are they healthy people? Do you want your son absorbing anxiety from them? Is this a one off or is it likely to happen again? Willsome of the upsetting things that happened to you as a child repeat themselves?
It doesn’t sound from your description like they would respect your parenting style and values - or the behaviour that you want around your child. It also sounds as if you are a very different parent to them.
For what its worth, if this were my child I would have done exactly what you did , I would have raised it and I would have pulled back from the relationship if I had received the stonewalling you have. It’s your job to protect and care for your children and promote relationships with healthy people. It’s also your job to respect yourself and let people know when they’ve crossed over boundaries, in this case causing your child to worry. However, it sounds like you will never get the validation or the acknowledgment you rightly want from your parents. If I were you I would get the compassion and understanding you deserve elsewhere - visit a therapist and work through those feelings of sadness, which are absolutely valid and understandable . You don't want to be re traumatised by your dads refusal to acknowledge your feelings, especially over something as dear to your heart as your child . And I would keep promoting healthy behaviour to your child and calling out unhealthy behaviour as you see it. Good luck - its a hard path your walking , all you can do trust your instincts and make sure you are emotionally healthy, even if your family of origin are not. Take care.

JosieGc - thank you.

I have just seen you are already in therapy from earlier posts, sorry I missed that - good for you!