Mum and Dad relationship

It happens. One child gets scapegoated, no one else does.

Or, triangulation goes on where both children get drawn into it but often in different ways.

The OP's reaction seems very much like my sibling's. Although we suffered the same abuse, my sibling sees me as the favoured child. It isn't like that at all, I am just more compliant (and recognise that my mother won't change) because I find it easier. She rails against everything and gets angrier trying to get an apology or acknowledgement. I don't think either of us are wrong, we just handle it differently. We were played off against each other as children and my mother continues to do so if we let her.

I thought of that too Smileless2012 and so discussed it with DC but received a very firm NO!

Sara1954, even I have my standards! I've wondered the same thing Sara1954 and have decided that I'd simply ignore, ignore, ignore any missives from solicitors or family members. I've come this far in life without her help, I sure as hell don't need it now!

Yes, that’s what I would probably do, but I’d much prefer she left me out of it.

You could pass it onto your children Sara.

Chewbacca
Everyone could always do with a bit more money!
But I definitely want nothing from my mother, sometimes I worry that she might meme something, and how will I get out of that one?

It doesn't have to be all or nothing and I think it's great that you never stopped your children from seeing their GM Sara.

I don't think anyone's suggested that it isn't OK for the OP to be angry JaneJudge.

I can never get my head around that either Chewbacca. The last thing I'd want would be to inherit anything from my abuser.

Absolutely 100% agree with you JaneJudge, there is clearly a history of abuse and trauma and that's why some/most of us are agreeing with OP's 5 counsellors, who have all advised him to walk away. The only part of this that raises for me is his reference to inheritance. Like others who are estranged from their families, I can't get my head around why you'd want anything from the estate of someone who's made your life an utter misery and who you despised and wanted nothing to do with. I've been in that exact position.

DiamondLily
Same here, I have never tried to stop my children having a relationship with my mother, and the oldest one is quite close to her.
Even my husband goes up to visit her a couple of times a year.

It was your choice to let her carry on a relationship with them. I imagine if you had seen those behaviours she applied to you repeated with your own children your choice may have been a different one

JaneJudge

The behaviour the original poster has described is textbook emotional abuse and trauma response and I agree with Jodie. People who have been emotionally abused by their parents (and generally the abuse is barely just emotional) have the intelligence to differentiate between normal 'flaky' 'difficult' relationships and those that are abusive. I think it is pretty normal for adult children who are abused to cut contact when they see those behaviours repeated when they have their own children.

I'm sorry some of you are estranged from your children and that is heartbreaking. Lots of family relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, sometimes abuse isn't involved. It's quite clear here though that the original poster is trying to take back control of their own life and trying to protect their child. It really is okay that he feels angry, it's a perfectly normal reaction

I was being polite - my mother was emotionally abusive to me, without a doubt.

She was, however, completely different with her grandchildren.

It happens. One child gets scapegoated, no one else does.

The behaviour the original poster has described is textbook emotional abuse and trauma response and I agree with Jodie. People who have been emotionally abused by their parents (and generally the abuse is barely just emotional) have the intelligence to differentiate between normal 'flaky' 'difficult' relationships and those that are abusive. I think it is pretty normal for adult children who are abused to cut contact when they see those behaviours repeated when they have their own children.

I'm sorry some of you are estranged from your children and that is heartbreaking. Lots of family relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, sometimes abuse isn't involved. It's quite clear here though that the original poster is trying to take back control of their own life and trying to protect their child. It really is okay that he feels angry, it's a perfectly normal reaction

Yes 25Avalon a lot more complicated than the OP suggested.

It is possible to have a flaky relationship with a parent, yet still enable your child/ren to have a good relationship with him/her/them.

You son is obviously picking up on all the anxiety you feel around this, but how does he generally get on with them?

My mother was a nightmare, but she loved her grandchildren, they loved her, and I just bit my tongue for many years.

It might be best to separate out your relationship with your parents, and your brother and childhood, and honestly think about how your son would feel if he were suddenly estranged from them.

My children would have been heartbroken.

I would do what you honestly think is in the best interests of your child, and continue with trying to move on from the past, with your counsellors.

Best wishes.

I agree Sara we don't know but for me, the OP's father not staying to the end and arriving 5 minutes after football's begun looks like he just wants to watch his GS play with as little trouble as possible.

I would think that the GF is seriously interested in his GS and watching him play, rather than just the football.

Alternatively, the GF might not have a serious interest in football, he may just have wanted to see his GS, albeit from across a field. We'll never really know because there seems to be a hugely complicated family history here, with mistrust, jealousy and dysfunction on all sides. I agree with Sara1954 that walking away from it is in the best interests of everyone, in particular the OP's son.

It looks like OP has left & after reading some of the insensitive comments on here, especially from yesterday, I really don’t blame them. I will be following them. This thread makes for very uncomfortable reading indeed - this is a person in pain. Dreadful.

Op seems to have departed whilst we carry on twittering and making assumptions. Hope he found some help here but it was much more complex than it first appeared. Isn’t it always.

It’s possible, but it could also be that he genuinely wants to watch the boy play football, but wants to avoid the possibility of running inside his son.
We don’t really know.

The GF is playing the victim by turning up,he's saying to people to know him "look at me ,not allowed to be with my GS by my awful son"Its not about the football ...its all about him!

Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

Stalkers often do the same thing. It's a form of intimidation, especially if the person is an abusive one. It could also just be a visual statement of, "You can't stop me seeing my Grandchild."

If you are seriously that interested in the football, wouldn't you stay til the end? After all, if you are the other side of the field, you are not going to get a confrontation.

Smileless
I agree

Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

That was the impression that I got too. I think OP would reap the benefits of following the advice of his 5 counsellors, at least until he's got clarity of what the problems is, where it lies and the best way to address it in the best interests of his son.

Arriving 5 minutes after football begins, standing away from the OP and leaving 5 minutes before football finishes sounds to me like the OP's father is avoiding confrontation, and just wants to watch his GS play.