Mum and Dad relationship

Yes I agree, on the surface it all seems trivial, pencils, football matches.
But the massive over reaction to these seemingly small irritations must mean there’s a hell of a lot more going on here.
But at the risk of sounding boring, walk away from it, at least for the time being.

There’s a lot more going on here In the family. Lots of bad history!

Why was the father asked to keep away from the football match?
Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

V3ra

I thought the same thing.

More of a controlling "I exist" thing.

lcr123 I cannot see you getting any peace of mind while you still try to maintain any sort of relationship with your parents.

I think your father turning up at your son's football practice, when you have specifically asked him not to, is designed to provoke you.

I agree, you can't just let it go but you have to try, to work at it especially if not doing so impacts negatively on your life and the lives of those around you.

Well said “imaround” . You can’t just let it go.I haven’t and I know it will never fully heal. BUT I have recently found out through DNA that myfather was not my father. That means the family that brought me up and dished up the s..t were nothing to do with me. Hooray. There was one of them I really did love. Good to me. God Bless her.

That's the important thing as parents, keeping our children mentally and physically safe.

Not all parents are capable of this, we know that, we know abusive oarents exist.... so we should never blame or shame a parent trying to keep their child safe.

Emotional abuse is taken seriously now.

Even if we couldn't be sure a person would abuse our children, knowingly allowing them around a person who abused us could easily be seen as neglect.

There is no buts in that situation.

1cr, as somone who actually lived the life you described growing up and then watching ny parents do the same thing you say yours has done, I hear you.

Sometimes people do not understand if they have not lived it. Creating anxiety in a child is emotional abuse and it will get worse as they get older.

In my case, my kids were thrilled to no longer have contact with my mother. It was not a detriment to anyone other than the person who was causing the issues. And she no longer mattered. My job as a parent is to keep my kids safe. Physically and mentally.

I hate hearing how anyone should get over it, calm down or let it go. It needs to be worked through with professionals but it is something that you never can just "let go". It will always be there somewhere. None of your feelings are invalid.

I was referring to a reaction of not getting an inheritance JaneJudge, not the loss of a family relationship and of course feeling sad about that is OK as I know only too well.

If I feel sad it’s only because it’s strained the relationship between our family and my brothers, I would love to have had a good relationship with my nieces and nephews, but I think they probably hear some very unpleasant things about me
There will always be some fall out I suppose.

it is isn't always bitterness, some people just feel sad and that is okay

Best way to be Sara or you can end up spending the rest of your life being bitter and resentful and what's the point of that.

Icanhandthemback
I agree with you.
Many years ago I decided my brother was infact the smart one, he knew when to slip away, and when to keep his mouth shut, something I never learned.
Now, he has a lovely family, my sister in law does a lot for my mother, they will inherit all her money, good for them, I don’t begrudge them a single penny

Yes chewbacca I honestly think that I wouldn’t want their money, that’s right smileless sadly you have to do what you feel is right, life’s to short to go round and round in circles and getting absolutely nowhere.

Good advice icanhandthemback.

As you say HeavenLeigh you cannot change the past. Letting go is the only way to move forward and that can be walking away, or deciding that a particular relationship, despite the negative aspects is better than no relationship at all.

We cannot make people the way we want them to be. They are who/what they are, and we either want them in our lives or we don't.

I think it is unrealistic to expect your brother to stick up for you; he obviously decided he wanted a quiet life many years ago. I'm not sure it would achieve anything anyway. If you and your brother have made peace and you understand why he acted as he did, don't let your father ruin that as well.

I can see why you are angry with your father. You are either going to have to find a way to resolve this or move on from it. It doesn't look like he will go towards you to resolve it so you have to move on from it. Can I just say (as someone who had an abusive childhood) that it is bad enough that someone scuppers your childhood happiness, don't let them take your (or your child's) happiness. You can't do anything about your father but you can do something about you. Take the counsellors' advice to go no contact, keep up therapy until you can see the wood from the trees and look forward to a happier future.

I was unwilling to walk away from my mother but I put some boundaries in place. One of the first things was to NEVER leave my child with my mother unsupervised by me or my husband. At first I thought her partner would be able to quietly supervise but it became apparent that he couldn't do anything about her behaviour. If my mother started her abusive attitude, we calmly made an excuse and left.
You said you threw something at your Dad. Once you do that sort of thing, you lose the moral high ground. If you keep as calm as you can externally and walk away, you will have a better effect.
Start focussing on how you have been successful in making a happy home for your wife and son. Don't let your father ruin that.

There comes a time op when you have to say enough is enough! You have a little family focus on yourselves, you will only destroy yourself going back over and over in your mind! You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can change what happens from now on, Stored anger can cause all sorts of problems with your health, and gets you nowhere

Not a deal breaker for all children Hithere but maybe upsetting and disruptive for some.

Like you Fernbergien I think cards and other forms of non physical contact are certainly worthy of consideration.

I would feel that way too HeavenLeigh. No amount of money/inheritance can compensate for a miserable childhood.

When your childhood has not been happy it never leaves you.. if like me you are made to feel guilty!!!!!! What of I do not know. Not particularly bright. I am very bright. Anyhow to the point. You must believe in yourself. Be pleased with your accomplishments and carry on bringing up your boy in your way and he will thrive. Possibly make limited contact with GPS.
And possibly move away as this will limit contact. Your main consideration is your boy. Always send them cards as appropriate with upbeat messages. Hope that all makes sense. Good luck.

I wouldn’t give a toss who got inheritance as I wouldn’t want money from my parents if they had treated me badly.

So true HeavenLeigh

To be honest I would walk away, too much anger I feel it won’t be resolved, someone has to let go of all this, I can understand why you would be angry from all the hurt in your childhood I’d feel very resentful, I’ve cut family members off, and feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders, my priority would be my son, and I wouldn’t give a toss who got inheritance as I wouldn’t want money from my parents if they had treated me badly!

For what it’s worth this is my take on the situation. If o.p.is by nature an anxious type then that is in you from birth,part of your character. Some parents work to build confidence but some get annoyed by the trait and can bully and ridicule which Is abusive really. So if o.p.is like this he will have been affected greatly but at the same time unable to deal with the matter out of timid ness and fear. A blazing row, a shouting match, all the unpleasantness ( my m.I.laws wonderful description) is to be avoided at all cost. Mores the pity I say. Shout it out, let it put, won’t ever change anyone but you’ll feel better! That’s my advice.

Smileless
I think you underestimate how adaptable kids are - in this case, what OP has done is very positive for his child and way overdue.

Having regular contact with a person and then not seeing them again happens very often - with friends, teachers, etc
It is not a deal breaker for the kid to grow happily