Mum and Dad relationship

It must be extremely confusing for any child, old enough to know who their GP's are and to have had regular contact, to have that contact broken.

The GP's in this case have had unsupervised contact with their GS, including what appears to be child care before school, so allowing contact to continue without unsupervised physical contact seems perfectly reasonable to me.

It may well be that the relationship fizzles out, or that when he's older he decides for himself that this isn't what he wants. In any event, the relationship so far has been facilitated and enabled by his parents, and the effects on this child if he were to lose that 'over night' IMO need to be considered and should not be underestimated.

I think Icr is the right person to decide what is best for their child in this situation.

Has anyone suggested otherwise?

What VS said 18:49

1cr,
I sent you a private message

I think Icr is the right person to decide what is best for their child in this situation.

If his parents wanted a good relationship with their grandchild they should have made sure they had a good relationship with the parents.

Jaylou moving away is something to consider. We moved only 25 miles away and yet it's made a huge difference to the quality of our lives.

I did suggest earlier to the OP that physical contact between his son and his son's GP's could be put to one side and there be contact via other means with parental supervision. This would avoid this 7 year old boy losing all contact with his paternal GP's until he's older when he can then make the decision to continue or not.

This could still happen if the OP moved away and as you say, would almost certainly help to alleviate the stress and anxiety currently being created.

You can't abuse a person fir years without simultaneously convincing them that they are just imagining things, oversensitive, deserving of bad treatment and not good enough.

So OP, if you need a bit of anger and frustration to get you away from their abuse and to empower you to heal....

Go you.

Don't let obviously abusive people have any of your head space

Why is it difficult to understand what the original poster is saying is true and hurtful?

I keep thinking about it.

I think the answer is emotional abuse is long term manipulative and cruel and people who have not been a victim of this and have mainly 'normal' relationships have absolutely no idea or concept of how all consuming it is.

I think victims in these cases are often are frustrated because they see others being manipulated/controlled too

Also, it doesn't matter if you are an adult. You're still the child of your parents

A long thread with some good advice.
People have talked about walking away, this is difficult when you live close by, always on tenterhooks in case you bump into them.
I know it's a very big decision, but instead of walking away, have you considered moving away? Move to a different part of the country, and then you can relax and the years of angst you have will fade and your whole immediate family will benefit as Dad is happier.
Just a thought, don't dismiss it because it is a huge decision, have a think.

I am estranged from my mother and controlling stepfather.

I put up with her treatment for years thinking there was something wrong with me until she drove me to a nervous breakdown. My older children who I tried to hide it from, realised something was wrong and started to tell me times my mother had upset them.

It was only when I realised that they were hurting my children with their behaviour that I could really face the truth.

So I understand why seeing your son become so anxious has helped you finally see just how much their behaviour impacted you growing up

Your counsellors are right.

Good advice Sara.

Ditto Sara1954

In my opinion, walk away.
Why would you want to be left a chunk of money by someone you despise so much.
It all sounds a ghastly mess, listen to what has been said, I’m sure counselling can be beneficial, but probably not if you just keep re hashing the same old grievances.
Before you jump down my throat, I do know where you are coming from, I estranged my mother twenty years ago, and have obviously put up with a lot to get me to that point, but trust me, better to put it behind you, concentrate on your own little family, and maybe take a long break from your parents.

I have based all my responses on your original and subsequent posts 1cr; no mind reading or assumptions on my part.

You began by expressing your concerns over your son's welfare and as you've progressed, there has been an increased amount of focus by you, on your brother and his relationship with your parents.

When I first suggested there maybe some jealousy with regard to your brother, you said @ 13.20 there is no jealousy and then @ 13.50 said "yes there is jealousy that he will get a massive will".

I apologise if my responses have upset you but as I've said, everything has been based on the information you have given.

Just read through this thread and I have to agree that there does seem to be a lot of unresolved anger and resentment towards your parents and sibling. It's a pity that you've been so annoyed with Smileless2012 because she seems to have spent a great deal of time and care unravelling the ongoing revelations, clarifying events and offering a good deal of insight and advice, as have so many others.

I was with you up until you mentioned your half joking resentment 're inheritance; frankly, this, I feel, should be the last thing you need to be fretting about. From what you've said here, and what your 5 counsellors have told you, it would seem that there is little, if any, prospect of a happy, sucessful, supportive and healthy relationship with your birth family and so in, your position, I would cease all further contact. You need to make a clear and steadfast decision now: are you going to enable your own childhood unhappiness, anxiety and resentment to be passed onto another generation or are you going to say that the buck stops with you; take control and protect your son's happiness and wellbeing?

I hope that you take on board all the helpful input that you've received here, even if you don't necessarily like it or agree with it. You should appreciate that people have taken the time and trouble to post. And please; forget the inheritance. Of all your problems, that's the least of them.

Icr123 calm down. I know this is an emotive issue. We all want to protect our children and we all relate to things that have happened in the past which we don’t want them to suffer. Cutting ds off from his grandparents after 7 years could have a detrimental effect. So too can continuing with that relationship if it causes ds discomfort. So which is it? Does ds wish to continue seeing his gps?

Smileless2012 - how dare you say I would use him to punish them. There’s a lot of assuming and mind reading going on in your post.

As I have said countless times on here - WE ARE REMOVING HIM AS THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME, MY WIFE AND BROTHER!

They have also caused a split between my mums two brothers to the point she wasn’t informed one of them had died.

Unresolved issues are not the reason here - their past behaviour is and our determination due history not to repeat itself.

Up until this point we haven’t taken him away due to us wanting him to have normal relationships.

But if this isn’t possible, it is neglectful of us to continue as it is.

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I think perhaps you are projecting how you were treated by your parents as a child on to how they are interacting with your ds. So you relate everything back and relive all the pain and anger they caused you which understandably you don’t want your ds to experience. Grandparents often treat gc totally different from the way they treated their own children.

I do think you need to try and chill out on this. Is your ds that anxious or is you that is anxious for him? Does he want to visit his gp’s? Is he covering up how he feels so as not to upset you? Can you talk quietly to him and see how he feels - does he like gd watching him play football? If not have a word with his football coach who should have taken a safeguarding course and can talk to gd. Your son should not be made to feel uncomfortable.

Smileless2012 - yes there is a jealousy that he will get a massive will and I will get nothing despite the years of emotional abuse. Half joking.

Esspee - yea they blame it all on my anxiety. They blamed what my son said on my anxiety for the way I took it despite we have YEARS experience of this with them.

paddyann54 - ?

Its always a small thing that breaks the camels back ,small to everyone else but compounds all the other stuff you had to live with.If anyone had caused my kids to feel anxious over a stupid pencil I'd have gone nuts at them.
My fil had issues with me for a long time and did things with my children just to wind me up,nothing dangerous ,but he would take them to the Orange Walk when he knew fine well it was something I totally disgreed with.I just kept them home during the marching season after a couple of years of asking MIL to make sure they didn't get taken.
There were lots of wee things that went on but th Orange walk would have stopped me letting them stay .My MIL was lovely and they both loved my children but I strongly disagree with "grannies house grannies rules" They are NOT the GP'.s children so if they cant stick with parents rules they cant have them ...simple .Granny and Grandpa in your case ramped up anxiety so you are quite right to keep them away from the harm that causes .I wish you well ,without your toxic family .

I would love to hear the grandparents version of the issue between them and the OP.

"I just want everything to be out there. Then if they continue to see him and love their false life, their choice" well it may not be jealousy but you have a serious issue with your parents relationship with your brother, and I wonder if this is the real source of the problem, rather than your perception of how your parents behaviour impacts on your son.

No jealousy - I just want everything to be out there. Then if they continue to see him and love their false life, their choice.

Apart from that, fair enough yes no issues with that.

I hope you'll continue with counselling as you need to let go of the past. I can understand your need for your parents to acknowledge your brother's bullying was wrong. Perhaps their failure to do so is there inability to accept that they failed you.

You also need to accept that your brother's relationship with your parents is his. Their relationship with him appears to be resulting in jealousy on your part, and your own is understandably coloured by the past.

Not having a close relationship with him, you'd not necessarily be aware if he's ever had a girlfriend, and I'm not sure why that's relevant even if he hasn't. Your parents may well be aware that he keeps them at arms length, and are content with that as from what you've posted, none of you appear to be particularly close.

We cannot change the past. We cannot make people into the people we would like them to be. We have to work with what we've got if we want a relationship, or walk away if we don't.