Mum and Dad relationship

I expected/wanted them to stand up for me and tell me it shouldn’t have happened. That’s prob the child coming out in me.

I also wanted them to know what brother is/was like - as they think they have a great relationship, but forget he keeps them at arms length and has never had a girlfriend. He’s in his 40s.

With regards forgetting things, my mum and dad would expect us to take multiple things to theirs every morning (including things we had borrowed like pencils!) along with all his school stuff and spare clothes etc etc and if we forgot anything they round create an uneasy atmosphere.

At times we could a spelling book for example and they would create the atmosphere which made him worry,

Now he doesn’t go there we just focus on what he needs for school.

On occasions we forget things (twice in 12 months) he doesn’t really care as we’ve explained we are human beings who CAN forget things.

Do you mean your parents didn't "act" when you told them how your brother had bullied you when you were a child, or do you mean they knew at the time but did nothing to prevent it?

If the former, what action did you expect your parents to take?

Now your son is not going to his GP's in the morning before school, is he no longer anxious if he forgets anything? Do you know for certain that it was his GP's responsible for his anxiety or was that because of the school's reaction?

In any event, surely it's the responsibility of parents to ensure that their young child has everything s/he requires for the school day, rather than expecting a 6/7 year old to remember for themselves.

Surely if you knew your son was forgetting things for school and that was making him anxious, you and your wife would have ensured he had everything he needed.

By the time he was at your parents to be taken to school, it would be too late for any omissions to be taken care of as he wasn't in his own home.

JosieGc

Hi there. Just wanted to say I am shocked about some of the lack of compassion shown to you here. I actually don’t normally comment on here but my heart goes out to you.
I can understand your sadness and your feelings are valid. When we have complex difficult relationships with our parents and we see them interacting with our children in the same way it can be very upsetting and triggering. This was about a pencil on the surface - but it was also nothing to do with a pencil at the same time. It’s to do with how your parents behave in a hurtful, unreasonable and demanding way then seemingly stonewall your valid feelings about being treated in that way. You could choose to ‘smooth’ it over; or you could say no. It sounds like you’ve opted to say no, which a lot of people do when they see their parents bad behaviour threatening to extend to their children. Follow your gut instinct and trust yourself. Are they healthy people? Do you want your son absorbing anxiety from them? Is this a one off or is it likely to happen again? Willsome of the upsetting things that happened to you as a child repeat themselves?
It doesn’t sound from your description like they would respect your parenting style and values - or the behaviour that you want around your child. It also sounds as if you are a very different parent to them.
For what its worth, if this were my child I would have done exactly what you did , I would have raised it and I would have pulled back from the relationship if I had received the stonewalling you have. It’s your job to protect and care for your children and promote relationships with healthy people. It’s also your job to respect yourself and let people know when they’ve crossed over boundaries, in this case causing your child to worry. However, it sounds like you will never get the validation or the acknowledgment you rightly want from your parents. If I were you I would get the compassion and understanding you deserve elsewhere - visit a therapist and work through those feelings of sadness, which are absolutely valid and understandable . You don't want to be re traumatised by your dads refusal to acknowledge your feelings, especially over something as dear to your heart as your child . And I would keep promoting healthy behaviour to your child and calling out unhealthy behaviour as you see it. Good luck - its a hard path your walking , all you can do trust your instincts and make sure you are emotionally healthy, even if your family of origin are not. Take care.

JocieGc

^^ This

We had already stopped him going there in a morning pre-school due to how he was getting overly worried if he forgot minor things for school.

Yes - but we hadn’t told them all of the info up until now. I expected when bullying was brought up they would “act” but they just ignore it.

So that’s why we have removed him now.

That's what I don't understand 1cr and what I mean about inconsistencies. You've allowed your parents to have unsupervised contact with your son, despite your concerns about what "damage" they may do.

Smileless2012 - yes good point about my brother. I hadn’t thought of that.

How do you mean inconsistencies?

Oh yes, we will consider everything but the fact don’t recognise the damage they do makes me question how the same things wouldn’t happen with my son.

No I would not to risk the safety and well being of my children
1cr and although I may have facilitated a relationship between someone as you describe being a relative, and my children, if I had any concerns I would never have allowed them to have my children without my supervision.

You say have forgiven your brother for the past because you understand why he behaved as he did, yet seem unable to understand that those very reasons will most probably be why he hasn't stood up for you now. You even say his focus is probably on your parents will; like I said, inconsistencies.

Some careful consideration is needed as to how you can maintain distance from your parents, while allowing the relationship you have enabled to develop between them and your son to continues.

If that isn't going to be possible perhaps non physical contact via cards, emails, Face time, birthday and Christmas gifts may be the way to go until your son is older.

Oh my. Didn’t see that one coming.

Your father was ignoring it and so you picked a fight.

I have just seen you are already in therapy from earlier posts, sorry I missed that - good for you!

JosieGc - thank you.

Hi there. Just wanted to say I am shocked about some of the lack of compassion shown to you here. I actually don’t normally comment on here but my heart goes out to you.
I can understand your sadness and your feelings are valid. When we have complex difficult relationships with our parents and we see them interacting with our children in the same way it can be very upsetting and triggering. This was about a pencil on the surface - but it was also nothing to do with a pencil at the same time. It’s to do with how your parents behave in a hurtful, unreasonable and demanding way then seemingly stonewall your valid feelings about being treated in that way. You could choose to ‘smooth’ it over; or you could say no. It sounds like you’ve opted to say no, which a lot of people do when they see their parents bad behaviour threatening to extend to their children. Follow your gut instinct and trust yourself. Are they healthy people? Do you want your son absorbing anxiety from them? Is this a one off or is it likely to happen again? Willsome of the upsetting things that happened to you as a child repeat themselves?
It doesn’t sound from your description like they would respect your parenting style and values - or the behaviour that you want around your child. It also sounds as if you are a very different parent to them.
For what its worth, if this were my child I would have done exactly what you did , I would have raised it and I would have pulled back from the relationship if I had received the stonewalling you have. It’s your job to protect and care for your children and promote relationships with healthy people. It’s also your job to respect yourself and let people know when they’ve crossed over boundaries, in this case causing your child to worry. However, it sounds like you will never get the validation or the acknowledgment you rightly want from your parents. If I were you I would get the compassion and understanding you deserve elsewhere - visit a therapist and work through those feelings of sadness, which are absolutely valid and understandable . You don't want to be re traumatised by your dads refusal to acknowledge your feelings, especially over something as dear to your heart as your child . And I would keep promoting healthy behaviour to your child and calling out unhealthy behaviour as you see it. Good luck - its a hard path your walking , all you can do trust your instincts and make sure you are emotionally healthy, even if your family of origin are not. Take care.

?

I'm sorry you're still struggling with these emotions and finding it hard to distance yourself from the painful experiences of childhood. We can choose our friends but not our relations!
You should give yourself a big pat on the back for not allowing history to repeat itself with your own son. You are working hard to create a happy family and, it seems, having much more success than your own father.
It's unrealistic to expect to eradicate all the tensions between you and your father but your son is yours not his and he can't take that away from you.
Good luck. Chin up. Wishing you lots of happy times with those you love most.

Yes my brother loved with us when younger,

Bullied me 9-12. Then avoided me til 30. No words. Avoided in school and home.

My mum and dad have cut me out of their lives for 14 months yes,

Still saw my son as we wanted to keep it separate.

Started to sort of see my mum and I told her about my brother agreeing with me,

Stunned silence from her.

Then asked her a few weeks later if she’s told my dad -“ no it’s not my place to tell him”.

So I sent an email to them telling him full story and saying I was cutting contact.

Smileless2012
“Your son is 7 so for 7 years has had a relationship with his GP's. Have you considered how confusing and upsetting it will be for him if he has his GP's taken away?”
Answer - my mum and dad fail to recognise the damage they’ve done to me, my brother and wife over the years, why won’t the same happen to my son?

This has been a final straw for us. We have let a lot of other things go.

At some point we need to protect my son instead of just ignoring things and telling him to forget about it.

They do this type of thing a lot. Again, pencil irrelevant.

I know my brother agreed with me as we text and spoke face to face.

I have forgiven him for bullying me as I feel he was in a bad place at home when younger with my parents - it was his reaction against it.

However he has had the chance to stick up for me - but chose not to.

When we were told he would see my son theta when we stepped.

My parents just ignore me being bullied - would you want your child around that?

I do not.

Just seen your post @ 09.24 1cr and there are some confusing inconsistencies. In your OP you say the brother who bullied you, avoided contact for 20 years and you "have had to cut contact with them both".

Are you also saying your parents cut you out of their lives for 14 months? Did they continue to see their GS? Why did you re engage with them?

Welcome to GN 1cr123. Your pain, anger and frustration are clearly visible in all your posts and as Mandrake has said "the question is whether you can let that go" and I would add, do you want to let it go.

Your son is 7 so for 7 years has had a relationship with his GP's. Have you considered how confusing and upsetting it will be for him if he has his GP's taken away?

With regard to the lost pencil, as has already been said, it would have been better if you'd played it down. Told your son not to worry, 'gran and grand dad are a bit fussy about this sort of thing but don't worry, we'll buy another pencil'.

I agree with Mandrake in that you are projecting your own feelings on anxiety onto your son who may not experience this type of behaviour the way you did when you were a child.

He doesn't live with them, he doesn't have a sibling who bullies him and isn't prevented from doing so by you, his parents. He has the love and security all children need on a daily basis at home.

I suggest you start thinking of some coping mechanisms. When your dad arrives to watch his GS play football for eg., rather than resent this, see it as a positive. He sees his GS, you can exchange a few pleasantries and when the match is over, he and your son can spend a few minutes together before you all go home.

A good counsellor will provide other suggestions for the best way to manage the relationship. Walking away/estranging IMO should be the last resort especially as there's an existing relationship between your son and your parents. As for the suggestion that you should think of your father as dead, is your son expected to do the same about his GF?

Apologies if I've got this wrong, but I have the impression that your parents see your son without you, taking him to see your brother who used to bully you, and who you had no contact with for 20 years.

As I've said, I may have got that wrong but if not, it does seem a very odd thing to do. If this is the brother who bullied you and who you have no contact with, how do you know he agrees with everything you say about your parents, and with your obvious concerns about your parents, why do you allow them to take your son to see his uncle?

Thank you nadateturbe and Sweetpeasue.

lixy

Pencil = final straw because all your paternal protective instincts rushed to the defence of your son, and good for you.

However, the damage and humiliation over years and years needs to be worked through with a third party, so really pleased you are seeing a counsellor. Hope you can work it out to a happier place.

Lixy Lovely Post.
Hope you can find some peace Ic123.

lixy and mandrake have given good advice.
I get it too, and I understand your fears for your son.
Stick with the counselling.
Wishing you peace.

lovebeigecardigans1955 - I feel no guilt at all. I’m at peace when we don’t make contact.

But it doesn’t take much to bring those feelings up which is why the counselling.

Yes my brother made right choice - he agreed with everything I said about my dad but then kept quiet when he knew they ignored me and cut me out of their life for 14 months.

He’s probably more interested in the will.

Lixy - thank you. Yes you get it.

crazyH - as I’ve said previously, the pencil is irrelevant.

Your dad sounds like (diplomatically called) a 'character' which really means that he is very domineering, perhaps a bully - like my late father.

Every sympathy, as it's like walking a tightrope. I often wondered what attracted mum to him. Did his mercurial nature make him seem an attractive and exciting boyfriend? Did she realise that on a day to day basis such types make difficult husbands? Was she really happy? As he liked to 'keep her on her toes' she became a doormat, after all it's more peaceful isn't it, than to keep fighting back?

Your brother has done the right thing by keeping contact to a minimum and perhaps you should do the same - but then there's the guilt you'd feel.

There's no easy answer, I'm afraid. My late father cast a very long shadow and lived to the age of 94 - it must have been sheer bloody mindedness which kept him going. I hope the counselling helps you to cope with your situation and gives you a sense of perspective.