Mum and Dad relationship

1cr, People who abuse children should not be allowed in the children's lives, that relationship is not in the child's best interest. Please estrange yourself and family from your parents, they won't change their abusive ways. Stay on with therapy.

I think Norah has the right advice here

I fail to see how original poster was abused based on what he said. It was a massive over reaction to something trivial that he wanted an alology for.! But wasn't going to get. If I was the father I would be worried myself about contact if your labelled an abuser when you don't want confrontation in front if a child. It's hard dealing with peope who read something into nothing and are super sensitive. Very wearing.

I'm not sure you have read the whole post Allsorts or understood the dynamic being described here.

Its not OK

Allsorts

I fail to see how original poster was abused based on what he said. It was a massive over reaction to something trivial that he wanted an alology for.! But wasn't going to get. If I was the father I would be worried myself about contact if your labelled an abuser when you don't want confrontation in front if a child. It's hard dealing with peope who read something into nothing and are super sensitive. Very wearing.

You don't think that someone continually undermining your wife, phoning their parents to complain about them and making your child overly anxious as abusive behaviour when you have asked them to stop? He may be super sensitive about other things but the above is surely sufficient to say, enough is enough. If people don't respect your boundaries then you have the right to remove yourself no matter what the relationship.

I have read all the posts.
Very dangerous to label the grandfather as an abuser.

I agree eazybee there's a lot more to this IMO.

The Grandfather is abusive, that is clear. Estranging is for the best interest of the child. GP made GS anxious, nervous and now life will be calm for GS.

The OP seemed to be the one causing the stress, with still fretting about childhood fights with his brother. Siblings fight. All normal.

Nothing that suggests abuse by GP..

Unless the OP gets a grip of his anxiety, I shouldn't think GS life will ever be calm.

But, there could be a huge backstory, and the OP hasn't been on for weeks, so it's all hypothetical.?

All seemed a bit of a storm in a teacup over a pencil.

DiamondLily, I disagree with you. The lad was being made anxious and nervous over a pencil because the GP was causing mental abuse. Nothing I'd want for my child. I'd estranged to the GP.

Well, we have to do what we think best, but, as I say, the OP has long gone, so it's all hypothetical now.?

The grandson is a pawn in all this, poor child. Don’t blame father from avoiding conflict, but he can’t win.
Norah, have to agree to disagree with your comments.

Allsorts, thanks for disagreeing politely! I think the GP is a bully and a control freak, not worthy of being around any precious children.

Norah, As H.M. said, recollections may differ. I would give a wide berth. Walking on eggshells is precarious. Some people could argue in an empty room for sure, life is too short.

Norah

Allsorts, thanks for disagreeing politely! I think the GP is a bully and a control freak, not worthy of being around any precious children.

We don't know that the GP was a bully and control freak though.
I don't understand why the OP would be happy to use the GP's as before and after school childcare if that were the case. We don't know why the GC was anxious about the pencil either. It could be a simple case of it being required for school and the GF reminded him of that. Perhaps the GP is worried about his son's mental health and uses the football to check that his GS is OK? We really don't know what is going on. There are way too many inconsistences and anger about his brother, wills etc , that it's impossible for anyone to unravel it all. Not sure how you have come to such a decisive conclusion that the GF is a control freak and bully.

I agree with you Normandygirl, there did appear to be anger directed at his brother, because of his relationship with their parents and inheritance.

As the OP hasn't been back for sometime, we can only hope that for the sake of all concerned, especially the GS that some resolution has been found.

The OP references their childhood as being "abusive".

The OP mentions having seen no less than 5 different mental health professionals who back that up.

I'm not sure it is really OK for a third party who wasn't there and doesn't know the full story to say "No it wasnt"

I wouldn't want to be a person who thought it was OK to say that.

Would you?

I think it's clear that OP's father sounds indeed textbook abusive, controlling, mean, bullying unable to just stay away (football). I can't imagine rug sweeping the GP behaviour.

I don't think anyone's rug sweeping Norah simply different interpretations of what's been read.

Opinions differ on many things. When I first posted here I was so aggrieved, many posters felt I should intervene and talk to my daughters about their MIL being estranged. I'd do no such thing, none of my business and I don't believe in taking sides in a family. Sweep my own side of the street!

Indeed, Smileless, very different views to what was posted.

Yes opinions do differ on many things Norah which is to be expected.

I had open heart surgery

This is a fact, we wouldn't go to someone's thread about the open heart surgery and say "well it's my opinion your heart was fine and you didn't need surgery, also... can you prove it by showing us the scar?"

The OP said their childhood was abusive and they were advised to go no contact.

Which part of your opinion matters more than that exactly?

What is so special and important about you that you can say, well, in my opinion you haven't suffered abuse because you haven't shown me the scars.

And what exactly are you going to do or say if the OP does come back and show them to you?

If the OP comes back and tells you all the painful stories they still need professional help to deal with a.d hirts themselves by doing it?

How many painful stories would be enough?

Or can we just accept "I was abused" because that is a statement of fact.?

Sometimes people come and ask for advice and it's not that simple, because clearly there is a compromise to be had or their thinking needs help, or they may make their situation worse or end up regretting a specific action.

But when they say "I have been abused" how does anyone possibly think that their opinion matters more than anothers feelings?

I truly don't understand it and why people do it on these threads

I remember that feeling of anxiety I had as a child due to my emotionally abusive mother. I never knew what would set her off. I remember getting home from school and would just stand outside the door with my hand on it trying to prepare myself because I had no idea what version of my mother would be on the other side of it. That image is seared into my brain all these years later.

Would she be upset because I forgot something? When she was she would refuse to talk to me and stare with a dirty look. I literally ran through my mind of what I could have possibly done this time. Most times, I would have to guess.

Heck once, while my mom was gone, she had left a list of chores. I was trying to be nice and mopped the floor for her. You know, do a little extra. She went crazy when she got home. Screaming and throwing things. I had no idea how it went from me trying to be nice and do something extra to her having a meltdown over it.

The situation in the OP is not about the dang pencil. It is about how his child is made to feel anxiety for forgetting his pencil. That is what is abusive.

Anxiety is often not caused by a single incident.

imaround

I remember that feeling of anxiety I had as a child due to my emotionally abusive mother. I never knew what would set her off. I remember getting home from school and would just stand outside the door with my hand on it trying to prepare myself because I had no idea what version of my mother would be on the other side of it. That image is seared into my brain all these years later.

Would she be upset because I forgot something? When she was she would refuse to talk to me and stare with a dirty look. I literally ran through my mind of what I could have possibly done this time. Most times, I would have to guess.

Heck once, while my mom was gone, she had left a list of chores. I was trying to be nice and mopped the floor for her. You know, do a little extra. She went crazy when she got home. Screaming and throwing things. I had no idea how it went from me trying to be nice and do something extra to her having a meltdown over it.

The situation in the OP is not about the dang pencil. It is about how his child is made to feel anxiety for forgetting his pencil. That is what is abusive.

Anxiety is often not caused by a single incident.

I relate to this so much, and i fully agree.