Mum and Dad relationship

It worked for us, but every situation varies.?

In a nutshell.

DiamondLily
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty certain that my mother must have had some undiagnosed mental health issues, I’m also pretty sure some of the neighbors realised it, and I think my school also knew. I had absolutely no idea.
I think my oldest daughter was the child she always wanted, she would tell anyone who would listen that her life would have been so different if she’d had my daughter instead of me.
Fine by me, im pretty sure I’d have been happier with a different mother.

Sara1954

DiamondLily
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty certain that my mother must have had some undiagnosed mental health issues, I’m also pretty sure some of the neighbors realised it, and I think my school also knew. I had absolutely no idea.
I think my oldest daughter was the child she always wanted, she would tell anyone who would listen that her life would have been so different if she’d had my daughter instead of me.
Fine by me, im pretty sure I’d have been happier with a different mother.

Yes, it's odd. She was very different with me to how she was with my brother, but I could never work out why. Perhaps because he was more malleable - and I was the argumentative one.

Who knows?

I think, as she got much older, she did regret some of it, but our relationship was pretty set by then, and I just shut down a bit with her.

I was polite, cordial, courteous, and I fought tooth and nail to get her the best of care when she developed Alzheimer's. Out of duty - that old fashioned word!

Still, as adults we make our choices with how we want to be and what we want to do.

No good keep blaming our parent/s for everything.

I can't keep rehashing and reliving a past I can't change. ?

We have to do our best to let go and move don't we.

move on

You were a good daughter DiamondLily, I have walked away completely, I want no more contact ever.
I don’t blame everything on her, I wasn’t easy, I know that, mouthy, argumentative, and determined to have my own way.
But there was nothing there, just two people living in the same house, disliking each other.
My brother spent Most of his time outside, and I think my dad was just sick of it all.

Well, we all have to do what works best for us.

I was very close to my dad, until he died, and I got a lot of support from my Nan, and other extended family, as a child.

As an adult, I had lots of friends and they fill the gap really.

It's just life really - some you win, and some you lose.

I've never festered, fretted, or mulled over the past - what you can't change, you just put to one side and jog on with your own life, in my view.

But, I do understand it's not always easy ?

Thank goodness we are among those who have been talking about and seeking support with estrangement for over 10 years and so would never judge someone else's healing journey or their ability to support another.

DiamondLily
I like your attitude

Sara1954 - well, I'm a pensioner now, so it would be a bit much to still be fretting over something that happened nearly 60 years ago.

Jeez, I can't hold that grudge that long lol

The best revenge is to live a happy and fulfilled life - which I have.?

So many very similar past experiences and attitudes to moving on as you DiamondLily; It's just life really - some you win, and some you lose is a mantra we could all strive to live by.

DiamondLily
You are right. I think moving on and putting it behind you is the best way forward.
I know some things can never be forgotten, but dwelling on them can do no good.
I really admire how you have dealt with things.

For me, it is important to really be sure I have healed.

Personal growth is ongoing.

I accept everything that happened to me as a child. I accept my part in estrangement and the things I could have handled differently or better. I accept what cannot be changed.

What I don't accept is the rhetoric that people should "just move on".

That is exactly how these abuse cycles continue, when people accept they were abused but cannot see how that abuse has shaped them.

It is a healing journey, not a marathon and certainty not a sprint.

Wherever anyone is on that journey, whether they are only starting to take steps or finally seeing some sort of destination, I will cheer them on.

Always.

It's good to read your posts Sara and DiamondLily.

There are some similarities and differences about the ways you have successfully negotiated the difficulties you've faced, but what you've both managed to do, is enable your children to have a relationship with their GP, despite not wanting one yourself.

After so many years posting on this subject, it's not the first time I've seen how some have made this possible, and I always think how fortunate your EP's are that they still had their GC in their lives.

For many, the more we talk and share about estrangement, the more we learn not just from our own experiences, but from the experience of others. It can help us to better understand, try not to judge and support one another on what can seem like an never ending road to healing.

For me, when I talk about letting go and moving on, I'm not doing so from a 'brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened' stand point.

I've learned that in order to have any quality of life, any chance of peace and happiness, that doing one's best to let go and move on is the only way.

When I first joined GN the one thread about estrangement was new and it's great to see that this once hidden subject is openly discussed, and for sometime now has been worthy of its own forum.

I think it's both helpful and positive to hear from those who are still prepared to share what it was like for them 'then' and what it's like for them now. Knowing that others have managed to some extent let go and move on can give hope and reassurance to others.

I agree Smileless

No judgement on the individual process or journey...

When I look at myself now compared to then, everything I have achieved... I would never have thought it possible.

I am so much stronger and more resilient and I owe a lot to gransnet and estrangement for that.

It's good to heal at our own pace and for others to see it is possible

That's a lovely post Smileless2012, very positive and inclusive. I too believe that, whilst we can all learn from our pasts and recognise that our histories are what shaped us; it doesn't have to define us; it doesn't have to make us who are are, it is possible for it to be only a component of us, not the totality.

DiamondLily said it best: The best revenge is to live a happy and fulfilled life.

and oddly, good things come out of it.
I still remember incidents where neighbors were kind to me. One in particular stopped my parents finding something out which would have landed me in a heap of trouble.
A kind headmaster who took things into his own hands.
Parents of friends who helped me through various things.
I think I’m also fortunate, that from knowing my husband since we were teenagers, he knows very well what my mother was like. Things I thought were normal, he says were very much not normal.
I quite often think of the kindness of those women, much more than I think of the unkindness of my mother.

That's right Sara1954; and it's those little acts of kindness that I prefer to dwell on; not the negativity; that I can do nothing to undo and would only be perpetuating the damage by not having moved on. I have often read your posts and have recognised and identified so many facets that you've revealed. If I had a sister, I'd wonder if she were you!

Oh, that’s nice

Yes, I fully agree with this. My maternal Nan, who also thought my mother was a nightmare, was the main support and guiding light in my life.

She'd had an extremely difficult life growing up in Eastend London, especially during the war, as she'd been widowed when my grandad was killed by the last German rocket to hit the East end of London. She was left with nothing other than two young children and a 4 day old baby.

As a toddler, she'd also spent 3 years in a workhouse orphanage after her mother died, until her father remarried.

She taught me to deal with adversity, to face up to things and get on with it, which has come in handy at times.

An original East End matriarch - known as a "character" lol

But, she loved me, I loved her and we had a fantastic relationship, as I did with my Dad as well.

Unless something reminds me, my mother has sort of faded into obscurity in my mind.

My memories of childhood are generally happy ones, and I've long put any sad memories away.

Nothing's perfect in life. ?

Just reading back through this thread and noticed one of your comments has gone from page 3 Smileless for breaking guidelines.

I didn't report it or I would have said so but as gransnet doesn't let us know these days I thought you would want to know

Yes I know one of my posts was deleted and apologised to the OP for upsetting him.

No worries

[wink