Things to avoid saying to an estranged parent

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I didn't realise you were a regular reader, having never seen you post before. Looks like we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one doesn't it.

I too found it quite unkind to question VS’s intent or to insinuate bad intent. It was uncalled for. There are some really balanced, varied perspectives here. Lots of respectful, thoughtful posts from estranged parents and sons/daughters. I hope the discussions can remain that way. I am finding this board quite informative .

I’ve had it said to me, it’s much easier with a dog, they dont answer back. I took it as it was meant, a joke.

Yes I hope so too Stiller and your post is a good example of how to achieve it.

Lots of respectful, thoughtful posts from estranged parents and sons/daughters. I hope the discussions can remain that way

Me too Stiller

Welcome Badger

Thanks Smileless! One of the things I’ve learned is that humanizing people rather demonizing actually helps with coping. (Not referencing abusers). Even with my mum, as awful as her behavior was toward my family, she is not some horrific monster. She’s a person with feelings. She may be controlling and self-centered, but she is a flawed human who is also capable of love. We are all flawed. We are all capable of great and terrible things. If my brother were to fall out with my parents, I would be heartbroken for them all. I think if we acknowledge the good when possible, it makes the pain a tiny bit less stinging. It would be awesome to do that here as well. It’s okay to disagree, but we don’t have to look at other posters as monsters who only have bad intent.

Things had gotten a lot better on the estrangement threads, positive conversations were happening even if some things were hard to hear or not agreed with.

So I was just joining that vibe and didn't expect the change.

Threw me a bit

But kindness and patience will out

I totally agree, it is okay to disagree but sometimes the way in which that disagreement is expressed, isn't okay and that's needs to be avoided.

I have found both this thread and the "What not to say to an EAC" thread interesting and informative and very pertinent. It is good that both threads are staying.

I don't really understand the perception that EPs are posting through a lens of guilt; guilt about what?

I think that EAC s can be sensitive about some things that EPs say/post/threads started and possibly their perceived motivations, and EPs can be sensitive about some things that EACs say/post/threads started and possibly their perceived motivations.

Smileless tried to explain why some might have been puzzled by the post being started in the way that it was. Violet has explained her thoughts behind posting and with a bit of back and forth discussion it looks like everyone is able to move on, accept the explanations and continue to discuss or use the thread as a reminder if needed.

Seems a positive outcome to me

Both threads are very useful

I bet its even not unheard of for estranged parents to say some of those things to each other.

Same for the other estranged children list

The difference in length of each list though is interesting, does anyone have any thoughts on that?

The list on this thread contains all the things that I've either had said to me, or witnessed being said to EP's here on GN. No other source was used.

I don't really understand the perception that EPs are posting through a lens of guilt; guilt about what?

I agree there Madgran and it's using emotive language like that that polarises posters, creates divide and is a particularly unhelpful comment to make in any estrangement discussion. It's hard to think that it's coming from a place of understanding or kindness isn't it?

The difference in length of each list though is interesting, does anyone have any thoughts on that?

Yes. The list for adults estranged from their parents (not children, because they're not children any longer; they're adults) was obtained from a Google searched list and written by psychologists, therapists and counsellors etc, not from personal experiences. But the list given by EP's was given from their lived experiences and so was more fulsome and heartfelt.

Thanks Madgran and Chewbacca - I found the suggestion that EPs post through a lens of guilt to be one of those provocative comments, aimed at causing pain. Also, aiming to confirm the stereotype that EPs caused the estrangement either by abusing their children, or attempting to control their adult lives.

Surely we are old enough, wise and experienced enough to know this isn’t true. Any more than it’s true to claim EAC post through misplaced anger or worse

I always thinks it's odd when someone's accusing others of being inappropriate with their criticism, that they use inappropriate statements themselves, to do so.

Maybe you guys can understand how I felt early in the thread

If the list that EPs created from experience is conflated so that there are no "duplicate" statements eg He's your son/He's your daughter it is actually 12 statements.

The "not to say to EACs list" was specifically 8 things, as researched and chosen by the researchers. Presumably there would be more if EACs were doing a list from their lived reality, including double up such as But he's your Father/She's your mother

Maybe you guys can understand how I felt early in the thread

Yes I expect people can understand Violet and some tried to explain why that was their perception. You clearly explained your motivation and fortunately it was agreed that deletion was unnecessary. It seemed to be sorted

In the same way people are expressing how they feel about the "through a lens of guilt" comment.

I'm not personally feeling anything other than confusion because I don't understand the point. I am hoping that Badger will explain, as it would be interesting to see why comments have created that perception.

Precisely so Iam64 and unfortunately, it's that kind of rhetoric that has created a pretty toxic atmosphere on these kind of threads of late. I'm constantly surprised that, considering that most of the GNnetters who come to these threads, for whatever reason, are seeking support, advice or just someone to listen to them and yet their seems to be a need to blame or scapegoat others just because they're not estranged from their families for the same reasons as them! It's ridiculous!

It's hard to think that it's coming from a place of understanding or kindness isn't it?

Indeed

Most of the times I have been invalidated have happened here...

Or by my maternal family who are all pretty toxic really so I stopped answering invalidating messages

But that wasn't really what I was wondering, I was wondering if there is more stigma attached to being the one who is estranged rather than the one who did the estranging...

Also which gets more support because, the estranged child list was one of many but when I googled things not to say to an estranged parent, I just got more for estranged children

Madgran77

*Maybe you guys can understand how I felt early in the thread*

Yes I expect people can understand Violet and some tried to explain why that was their perception. You clearly explained your motivation and fortunately it was agreed that deletion was unnecessary. It seemed to be sorted

In the same way people are expressing how they feel about the "through a lens of guilt" comment.

I'm not personally feeling anything other than confusion because I don't understand the point. I am hoping that Badger will explain, as it would be interesting to see why comments have created that perception.

No one apologised, just explained why they felt justified which really only just enforced what they were saying

So if Badger comes back and explains why they felt justified to say what they did... all good?