Do abusive people know they are abusive?

Thank you Smileless. I really must stop posting on here with all this misery. Everyone has problems.

Not at all Kate this is what the estrangement forum is for and where better, when you can unburden yourself without burdening those you love and who love you away.

Post away Kate

You're very kind.

in return, not away.

Good assessment there M0nica

Even nowadays, as we saw from the Rotherham cases et al, the police sometimes don't deal with allegations appropriately.

Those children are let down, time and time again.?

Kate1949

Thank you Smileless. I really must stop posting on here with all this misery. Everyone has problems.

Please don't ever feel wrong for sharing your story.

You were just a child. You didn't deserve a bad upbringing. No child does.

One day abusive parents will be in prison, whether that is sexual physical or emotional abuse.

The damage they do to children must stop and it won't unless people understand it is happening and take steps to prevent it

Thank you VS. Yes it must stop.

VioletSky

The physical stuff stopped for me when I went to school, I don't know if there was a concern raised or not.

Or it may be that that's around the time my stepbrother came into my life. Its his story but she was awful to him and eventually pushed him out. He estranged for a long time too but now has a distant relationship.

When he went, that's when life became hell for me.

I think that's where scapegoating is highlighted, using another person as a scapegoat for all the things that go wrong in life.

I was blamed eventually for my stepbrother being out of the picture. My mother let my child self believe I caused my grandmother's death from cancer. She told everyone I was a drug addict because I had my drink spiked at 18 and she thought it was my fault for going out. She told me I shouldn't tell anyone because they would think me dirty when I told her of sexual abuse and then when I attempted suicide from lack of support, threw away all the letters about counselling etc and told me I'd embarrassed her. Then when I finally got myself on track and was doing well in college and really trying to be the good daughter she wanted, she threw me out.

It is hard to understand how she could justify any of that but if she believed it all happened just because I am me... and I deserved it...

I don't know, it's hard

Haven't read this whole thread but didn't want to pass by without saying this is so sad VS, and I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

Kate1949

Thank you Smileless. I really must stop posting on here with all this misery. Everyone has problems.

No child ever deserves to be beaten, by anyone. It’s a horrible thing to do to a child. ?

Best wishes. ?

Herefornow

That's one of the most frustrating things for me, that people often don't recognise emotional abuse.

I've even seen it said on the estrangement forum that there is no excuse to estrange unless there is physical or sexual abuse.

That is some of the biggest nonsense I've ever read in my life.

Emotional abuse is highly damaging.

But I bested my mother in the end, I win.

I've never seen that said.
Different people have different ideas about what constitutes abuse.
My ex would regularly go off to his room and fling himself on his bed about what he considered abusive comments.

I think that had more to do with unresolved issues from his childhood than the fact that all of his friends were being abusive.

He even recognised it himself, always demanding apologies for comments made by people who had no intention of abusing him.

Trying to insist that I "took his side" on issues that really weren't issues.

Nor me MissA.

Again, the answer is to remove yourself if comments, teasing silent treatments and so on are hurting you.

Not to cast your eyes towards close knit, functioning and close families, and tell them that they have it wrong.

That is invalidating.

I would say that some forms of emotional abuse are more obvious than others, and in addition the interpretation can be subjective.

Yes, which comes back to the commonly held opinion that no two situations are the same, no families are the same, no abusers are the same.

The thread that said it was deleted, it was questioning why "people" were on the forum if they weren't estranged grandparents...

the forum is entitled 'Estrangement', no mention of specific groups.

I remember you saying so on that thread Smileless

Really!!!! I don't think so.

You always say the estrangement forum is for everyone?

Hmm maybe I shouldn't have mentioned seeing it here.

Let's start over.

Some people believe that the only real abuse is physical or sexual and I really cannot understand that viewpoint

No physical and sexual abuse is not the only real form of abuse.

^ I remember when very small going to the police station with my sister to tell them what was going on. The sergeant said 'Go home girls. We can't help you'.^

I was found crying by a policeman as I was too scared when I lost my mother’s change. He told me she would probably understand. I explained what she was like and told him what she had hit me with. He said he would sort it. He took me home, told my mother what I had said, suggested she should be more careful and left me there. She was furious. No tea that night. I was 8.
I told our GP what she was like when I was 14 and he said it didn’t seem like the woman he knew!

That's right Kate and some we often seen mentioned are financial abuse, coercive control, emotional blackmail and manipulation, all more commonly found in adult relationships.