This is the one thing I have never been able to figure out.
Whether we are talking about an abusive parent, an abusive adult child or an abusive partner of an estranged adult child...
Do they know they are abusive?
Or do they think they are right and justified in their actions?
Is that why they are so easily able to convince others around them to either join in on that behaviour, defend them or convince a partner to estrange a family member?
Do they think that others are deserving of bad treatment?
Do they genuinely think that their world view is the only right and fair one and anyone who doesn't agree must be othered somehow?
I remember so well how my mother taught me I was deserving of abuse, that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy of love.
Did she truly believe that about me and thought she was right all along?
A big part of me thinks that they must know, or they wouldn't deny their own behaviour, they wouldn't gaslight, they wouldn't tell you you are too sensitive or imagining things...
But recently I'm not so sure, maybe it starts out small, maybe there was a thing that you did that they didn't like and they don't know how to forgive and it escalated from there as you react to their behaviour and they decide your reaction is what defines you.
Maybe they think you deserve to be punished and the gaslighting is simply to ensure that you stick around to get it.
.