Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

What an odd and confusing situation for you, Whiff. It sounds almost like a switch was flipped for your son. The contradiction in his actions must have blown you away.

Oops fingers twitched . I know what he wrote but he rewrote family history things that didn't happen and assumed I acted in a certain why . But he doesn't know how I reacted to things and how I tried to help him and my daughter in law. Because he never asked he just accused me of things I never did or say. Calling me vindictive and manipulative. Have have never been either nor am I a racist. My parents where and my brother is. I treat people how I want to be treated colour,gender,race or religion doesn't come into it . If people are nasty with me I can be nasty back but it's a waste if energy. People only see things their way and have no room for anything else.

He made it clear in this letter when sent back the birthday cards ,birth card and presents for my new grandson crushed all unopened . Zero contact he has had he's wish only contact him twice that was this year once a financial matter to do with his dad's will and about my HPX so he can get tested hopefully he has . He hasn't any symptoms like my daughter and brother but could be a carrier. At least he didn't send my letter back unopened this time. He hasn't just cut me out of his life but all our side of the family.

And I will never understand why and that's the truth. My daughter and brother had kept things from me for years so I wouldn't be hurt . But if you don't want to be found out as a liar don't plaster things over social media.

If you can't say something nice to people don't say anything at all is my motto.

If people reading this thread realise it doesn't cover what they are going through there are other estrangement threads which are cover things front the view point of that of a estranged adult child and different forms of estrangement .

Any way this ramble has gone on long enough..

Have a good day everyone.

I agree with you about the effects of war Whiff - it was only as I got older, I realised what an impact it must have had on my mother and gran.

A friend of my Dad's was there at the fall of Singapore, and he spent some time in a Japanese camp. He didn't get counselling, he never spoke of it, yet, knowing more now, I can't imagine what he must have gone through. He got on with life, a cheerful soul, and my admiration for him knew no bounds.

As with all the others who went through various horrors.?

As for estrangement, well, the reasons are many and various. Every case is different.

Having been in the situation of a few forms of estrangement, I would say, for estranged parents, it is also about not having any "say" in the matter, which makes things even more frustrating.

They are either bounced around, depending on the mood of their ACs, with some treading on eggshells, or they are cut off completely.

The estranger makes the decision, for whatever reason, and estranges. So, presumably, they feel better for having the person, causing them their angst, removed from their life.

The one that's been estranged never gets that relief - they are removed from the lives of their children/grandchildren, and a lot of the time don't know why, and no explanation has been forthcoming.

Any grandchildren are stuck in the middle of it all.

For all of us, though, we have to get on with life as it is - not how we wish it might be.

Which most of the estranged parents on her seem to be doing.

Have a nice day.?

Very perceptive DL!

I’m an ex-estranged, long since reconciled reader of these threads and like to pop in at the beginning of each new one to offer my support for those still living the nightmare.

It’s marvellous reading every supportive post where newbies realise they’re not alone and others have had similar experiences and are willing to share their coping mechanisms.

I wish you all a good day ☀️

* Whiff*. Good post. It’s such a pleasure to read how you accept all your health problems and just get on with life while dealing with the sadness of estrangement as well. I admire you’re strength and courage to get on with life and live it well.

Diamond Lil your views of estrangement very much echo my own. Beautifully put. No one is really happy and all these hurt and painful emotions are flying around causing upset at every turn.

Our estrangement was managed by a third party whose causes mayhem wherever they go.
If I’d read this lifestyle in a book I’d have thought it wasn’t believable.

Sadly after near 10yrs on this thread, I'm out for good now. Bye all xx

Why would an estranging AC seek out a grandparents forum and then seek out an estrangement thread where grieving mothers of once beloved children are pouring their hearts out???
As things stand there can never be a thread for us now, no matter how many new ones are started.

Yoginimeisje

Sadly after near 10yrs on this thread, I'm out for good now. Bye all xx

Oh, don't go, that would be a shame. You've obviously been on here a very long time, and have got and given support with others.

I hope you reconsider. ?

Amazing post Whiff.

........our experience shapes us, but doesn't define us.......paraphrasing there. Such wise counsel.

I survived a narc father and I now use what I learned from that experience to help me navigate my narc DIL. I have to say so far with remarkable success, success I didn't expect.

At the risk of sounding like some Little Miss Pollyanna I learn from the past to improve both my present and my future. Actually Pollyanna maybe isn't such a bad role model.

Like Pollyanna I look for the light, the positives, the silver linings, the good and the beautiful. I deliberate choose to be happy. I try to see the good and in consequence usually I am rewarded by good things.

I had a rough start in life, but I don't dwell on it. I vowed I would have a happy and successful life and that is what I have created.

My husband died when he was just 57. An object lesson on the brevity of life. Like me he was a determined optimist who lived life at full throttle. He crammed more into his 57 years than most people who live to be in their 90s, extracting every ounce of joy and living to the max. And I continue to endeavour to do the same, partly in his honour but also for myself. I seek pleasure, joy and happiness.

Yes I have the odd day when things creep up on me, when I just want to pull the duvet over my head, days when life seems bleak and pointless. I think that's pretty normal.

Life isnt all rainbows and unicorns and fluffy kittens and cute puppies. It can be harsh, cruel, unjust, unfair but, here's the thing, it's the ONLY life we have.

So what are we to do with it. Do we give in to the vicissitudes of life and allow ourselves to be victims or do we fight back.

"To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'Tis nobler of the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or, take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing them, end them......."

To my mind there is no contest. I stand and fight. As the old adage goes......."I will not let the b******s grind me down".

Bring me those slings and arrows and I will throw them right back.

Too much ruminating about the past, too much navel gazing is bad for us. It only drags us down further into the mire. Why stay in the pit of despair when with a bit of effort we can haul ourselves out and into the sunlight.

Our brains are amazing. We can reprogramme them, we can open up new neural pathways, create newer better habits. The key word here is neuroplasticity. I am not very good at explaining how it works so look it up if you're interested. But it does work. You can change your thought patterns and you can change your behaviours. You can steer your brain and make it work for you.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

Never ever give up. Life can be good, we just have to make it so.

Hemingway said "the world is still a mighty fine place". I so agree and we are going to need that positive mind set in the next couple of years.

The Bank of England has just confirmed what I have been warning to everyone who will listen. Come the end of this year we will be heading into a long and deep recession. It's going to be tough (understatement) and we are going to need our reserves of strength to get through it.

So my advice is stop ruminating on the past, and start preparing for what lies ahead. Batten down the hatches, sort out your finances, get your houses in order.

" Buckle your seatbelts, we are in for a bumpy ride".

There might just be a silver lining, at least for some. Those who have been estranged by their EAC may find that those children might decide than blood is thicker than water after all. Some might turn to their families for advice and support.

Lovely day here. Blue skies, bright sunshine. I wish we could bottle it up......?

Yogin I'm estranged from my family; (I'm not an EAC because I'm not a child, I'm an adult) and I've always been made very welcome and been offered kindness and support and friendship over the years. Please don't tar us all with the same brush, the majority of us are respectful of your situations and don't seek to either cause more pain, or add to it. You've been a big part of this supportive community for such a long time, please don't be chased away by those who are envious of that and seek to spoil it out of jealousy.

DSL - very true. A physio I once had dealings with getting fitter, told me that a big part of it was to "train the brain", as it helps physically and emotionally.

It did actually help me a huge amount, so I still do it with things. There's still a lot we don't know about the brain, and it's astonishing what it can achieve.

Presently, I'm trying to support my DH with his bouncing estrangement, with his son, trying to support my ACs with their father and his flaky estrangements, and I haven't got the time or energy to constantly mull on a childhood that was over 50 years ago.?

The here and now is enough for me, and with the economic collapse, life won't get any easier.?

Yogin.....don't let anyone drive you away.

*our experience shapes us, but doesn't define us.....?

Great post at 8.54 today DerbyshireLass. I’m share your approach and occasionally feel I could be accused of being Pollyanna.
I’ve experienced loss, estrangement and my first husband was abusive. I grew stronger with determination and increasing understanding of ‘life, the universe and everything’ ?

Ruminating is like worry, it changes nothing and makes us emotionally exhausted.

Yogin Derbyshire lass*and *Chewbacca are both right.
The majority of posters on this support thread are here for the right reasons. One or two are not and it’s clear to readers that’s the case.

Don’t be put off please. That’s is playing into the hands of the disrupters. ?

Granniesunite ?

Iam64 have a good day.?

Whiff.

The contradiction in not just what they do but of their entire being is absolutely mind blowing Mandrake. Our ES the last time we caught a glimpse of him, doesn't even look the same. It's as if the anger and bitterness inside has manifested physically.

It's lovely to see you Pantglas. It means a lot that you always pop on when each new support threads begins. Successfully reconciled for some time now, you've never forgotten the devastation and pain of estrangement and the value of the support threads.

You and I are a couple of dinosaurs here Yogin. The 'oldest' in terms of how long we've been posting. We've shared the ups and downs of our lives and the support threads over the years.

Looking back we've had our battles on here and very recently too, and these threads weather the storms, the slings and the arrows because of what we do and what the threads stand for.

This thread is for us as much as it is for anyone else and it always will be so don't go. Let's face it, if not for an EP, it would never have got started in the first place and be here now, for anyone whose had estrangement affect their lives. Don't leave this poor old battle scarred dinosaur alone.

Just pinched a few of your words there DSL. Love the quotes you use especially the paraphrase of that wonderful scene with Bette Davis in that timeless classic 'All About Eve' which is about a narcissist. Very appropriate when you think how many of us have had our lives turned upside by one.

Hope your new sofas arrived safely yesterday DL and you managed to get them through the door.

The sun is shining again here. Been a fabulous week so far and looks as if there's more good weather to come which is just as well as have friends coming tomorrow and Sunday for a BBQ.

Shopping this morning and then I think I'll be bobbing and swinging in my egg chair this afternoon. It's a hard life but we just have to keep going don't we.

Granniesunite well said. Their agenda is clear.

DerbyshireLass you may well have bottle-able sunshine where you are but here, it's absolutely chucking it down with rain! Shouldn't complain really because we do need it but why today when I've got a machine load of washing to peg out?!

Smileless - yes, they did. Very nice blokes, did it quickly and simply. Much relieved.?

Went to bed at 8 last night, as we were so shattered. I can't usually sleep more than 4 hours, but I went unconscious for 6 straight hours!?

But, got up this morning to DHs phone jumping as soon as I put it on charge for him. Abusive texts from my darling SS again.?

I was going to just wipe them, and not tell DH, but thought I can't do that really. So, it feels all a bit stressy here, at the moment.?

But, the sun is shining, hopefully the day will improve, so on we press.

Have a nice day. ?

Yogin I hope you don't go . You have helped me cope with the last 2 years. Not just with your help with estrangement but talking about your life . Joey stories always make me smiles. I don't have a pet and not getting one but love to hear other people's tales of theirs . So I sort of have virtual pets through you all.

DerbyshireLass remember when the mortgage rate was 15%. That was a nightmare but we never missed a payment. Like when VAT went up . Even when we went decimal all the prices shot up. Food banks are in high demand know. Come the winter they will be needed all the more as fuel prices rise.

Arriva buses are still on strike here going into week 3. People are spending a fortune to go to work. One man said so far it's cost him £140 just to get to and fro work. The drives where offered £14.67 hour. I have friends who are care workers they are on minimum wage £9.90 hour one has the responsibility of giving residents in the care home their drugs. It's like it has always be the richer get richer and poor poorer.

Pantglas even though you are ex estranged your inside is still of value. And anything you want to say is welcomed. Glad you still read the thread. It's my safe place .

DiamondLily my grandson's by my son will have forgotten me by now and I never got to know their youngest and don't even know his name. As hard as it is not seeing them I know they are well looked after as my grandson's are my son and daughter in law's world. Like my daughter and son in law both couples have worked hard to get their own homes with no help from me or the other parents. Which makes me very proud of all 4 of them .

Chewbacca I haven't know you say anything unkind in your posts. And like reading what you have to say.

Granniesunite we have one life we have to live it the best we can. At least I didn't fall into that privet hedge yesterday on the way to the bus stop . Mind you I did find my eggs in the recycling bin. I was up early as I wanted to make a blueberry cake before going out . I knew Sainsbury's delivered my eggs Tuesday. So looked in all my cupboards as they weren't in the fridge. Then I remembered I put them into my old cookery basket to keep safe. I use the basket to put my recycling in before going into the bin. I put the bin out on Wednesday morning. So there they where luckily it was half full and they were sitting on a cardboard box. They weren't broken but washed them all before making my cake. Been a while since I did anything that stupid.

I was awake early hence my very long ramble. Better get on stew to make then into the garden. ?

Whiff - my DHs two grandsons, by stepson, are strangers to us. We wouldn't know them if we passed them in the street.

They live with stepsons ex-wife, as he cleared off and left them all for another woman, some years ago..

SS's wife doesn't want any contact with any of SS's family now, which, I suppose, is her choice. But, she was a good mum, and I'm sure they are fine.?

Have a nice day, and stay out of privet hedges...?

Good morning all

Its clear that people really do need what I have suggested all along. Their own threads.

I don't know why estranged adult children talking about their experiences or healing journeys would ever be upsetting to estranged parents, we are children of abuse.

We do have our own threads its true but this thread is the only one kept safe and cared about.

On EAC threads people tell us:

We weren't abused

We are using our children to punish our parents

We are harming our own families talking about abuse

We should just move on or get over it

We are here for the exact dame reason as everyone else, we just want support and compassion.

Some people just enjoy an argument and enjoy disrupting threads, changing their direction and generally just being dismissive and unkind. They aren't defending anyone or fighting for space, they just enjoy it.

I don't want to be on this thread and I normally stay away out of respect. This thread is special and a place eps can say anything and never be judged. They can vent or rant or call EAC names and no one minds.

I just need EAC to have space on the estrangement threads

No one has agreed we deserve space. No one has agreed to try and achieve it. No one has read what I have to say and realised there is a good reason I am asking.

This is the last time I will ask.

If only one thread on estrangement is for "support" then thats the only safe space for any of us.

If we can all be supportive on all threads across Estrangement for estranged parents or abused children coming here.... then that will change.

So let's start with a blank slate.

Many current threads have been warped and twisted or had unkind things said on them but I will try to go back there despite that.

Let's see if we can go forward differently

Your post seems to be an admittance of deliberate and orchestrated derailing vs and This is the last time I will ask has a distinctly threatening tone; is that what you intended it to be?

Your patience with your narc SS is awesome DiamondLily; he seems to be an odious excuse for a man and I hope that your husband can, at some point, give him "the bums rush" .

The estrangement threads can be fraught. I avoided contributing over long periods because the tensions and possibility of projection of unfinished emotional business onto others.
No one has a monopoly on pain