I really think I would have made a good grandfather.

Hithere

Peace maker = rug sweeper

Dangerous role. Justifying and minimizing the offending behaviour does not help the situation, in fact, makes it worse

Hithere
You are confusing Peacemaker with Peacekeeper, they are very different roles.
A Peacekeeper wants to avoid conflict by not " rocking the boat" steer clear of conflict and maintain a facade of peace to keep others happy
A Peacemaker is a mediator who strives to restore balance, amnity and resolution and bring a situation to a solid place.
I'm sure Jesus said "Blessed are the Peacemakers" right?

I'm not sure a situation where a son would be told to "cleave to his wife" the DIL is valid here.

That is a nuclear family issue, Husband, wife and children.

This is also a nuclear family issue, husband, wife and children.

I think also advice should be based on who has had the mean things said to them in any situation, whether its a new issue caused by illness or an old issue heightened by illness is probably what needs to be sorted out and only OP knows the truth of that.

Continuing to have a good relationship with the children and show them love and support is probably the absolute best way to achieve a reconciliation for the whole family in future.

Choosing the wife over the children would send the clear messge that they weren't heard, supported and understood.

No one should ever be in a position where they are forced to choose between their wife and their own children amd I hope that doesn't come from either wife or children.

That's a lovely post*Granniesunite*.

I agree Normandygirl I can see why rug sweeping would be connected to a peacekeeper, but not a peacemaker.

Alzheimer's and Dementia are not the same as workaday mental health issues.

The wife won't and can't improve, and it's a case of relatives having to adjust to the disease, if contact is to be maintained.

Hithere

Peace maker = rug sweeper

Dangerous role. Justifying and minimizing the offending behaviour does not help the situation, in fact, makes it worse

Peace maker = rug sweeper

What, always ?

Bipolarism, Depression, and Dementia. are all difficult for outsiders to understand and cope with.

It's admirable Danny is loyal to his wife, but I can't see a way forward for his son to subject his family to remark made then a counter and it just seemed to escalate. No need to get into a she said/she said.

Or issues involving my wife and daughter.

Sounds like too much to unravel, to me.

DannyDwife can’t choose anything she has dementia and it’s probably been with her for a few years before diagnosis.

She may not have capacity at all the poor woman.

It’s an awful situation made worse by the behaviour of those who can’t or won’t see exactly what is wrong with their mum.

I think the difference is that Bi-Polar and depression can be treated and improve.

Alzheimer's and Dementia are degenerative diseases that currently can't be treated.

Sad situation.

Getting along with the son in Korea is also easier, given they are in a different time zone, online interactions are usually shorter than in person visits and the mother may or not be present.

Is the daughter also more local to you (in same country)?

It’s an awful situation made worse by the behaviour of those who can’t or won’t see exactly what is wrong with their mum.

Perhaps they can see clearly what is wrong, and that it can only get worse.
I'd say, as there was a Xmas visit before the son started to be distant, that Dan should accept that his son's family found it very difficult being with his wife.
Dan should take the advice given earlier, to maintain his own relationship with both his sons and his grandchildren if he actually wants to continue being a grandfather .

Dementia is incredibly difficult for families.

I used to work in care.

There are aspects of personality when dementia occurs. I've watched an elderly lady bring her own daughter to tears and whilè making her a cup of tea she said, in some ways it was easier now because her mum couldn't hide her behaviour any more and others were seeing what she had been put through for years. Her relationship with her brother had become better as a result because he hadn't believed the mother who treated him so well treated his sister badly.

People with dementia are often confused and frightened though and some become withdrawn while others lash out because behavioural changes are the only way they can express their wants and needs. I've been hit and kicked and shouted at and I was very gentle, kind and patient.

There can also be problems with hallucinations, one lady used to tell me a story of a car coming right through her bedroom wall, daughter assured me that this was a fear of mum's living on a corner but it had never actually happened.

I could usually tell if someone had a uti because they would go through a personality change or start hearing and seeing things that weren't there and uti is common when you can't see to your own hygiene needs well and are reliant on carers twice a day.

So it's all very difficult and I appreciate that families need to make allowances but certain things are always going to be painful and hard to deal with if it is an escalation of behaviour that was already there or based on personal things.

Not everyone is strong enough to not let it impact them no matter how hard they try and how kind, patient and understanding they are.

It really depends where the problem started and if it started before dementia I think that has an impact on how well people cope with it.

I agree with you FarNorth, good advice as always.

I agree with FarNorth as well. Continue seeing your family Dan although I find it sad that they are unwilling to see how their mother's illness has impacted on everyone.

Wasn't VS who first suggested that, not FarNorth?

Hithere

Wasn't VS who first suggested that, not FarNorth?

Yes it was. Far North acknowledges that it was advice given earlier. I agree with the advice whether given by VS or Far North, its still good advice!

Wasn't VS who first suggested that, not FarNorth?

Does it really matter?

I think it does matter to give the credit to the poster who first had the idea - generally speaking

But, as it does seem to matter Hithere, I've had a look at both posts and, whilst they both offer the sound advice, as have so many others, FarNorth's isn't the same at all!

Thank you FarNorth, Hithere and Madgran

VS If you have the opportunity to still be dad and grandad please take it

FarNorth Dan should take the advice given earlier, to maintain his own relationship with both his sons and his grandchildren if he actually wants to continue being a grandfather

This is the similar sound advice offered by VS and Far North that I agree with.

But I am still unclear as to why this is a big deal really. With threads moving pretty fast, it is easy for the same advice to be given again and for a poster to see it the second time and not the first. Seen it many times myself and seen my own advice not commented on but repeated in similar vein by someone else. So what - as long as whatever is said is helpful to the OP. Lets hope that this piece of advice is helpful to Danny if he is still reading

I'd say staying loyal to life partner is most important, I'd not hurt or upset mine by visiting DS alone.

Madgran77, But I am still unclear as to why this is a big deal really.

Agreed. It's not of any matter at all, IMO.

Agree with you Madgran & Norah; it's not at all unusual for the same advice to be given, several times, and by different posters, to the same problem, so I'm not at all sure why this thread is any different. Seems a bit odd.

Norah

I'd say staying loyal to life partner is most important, I'd not hurt or upset mine by visiting DS alone.

I would, if I could see both parties’ perspective on the difficulties between them, and I knew that my partner was not able to behave appropriately in front of my children or grandchildren, which seems to be the case here. Blind loyalty to a partner at the expense of your own relationships with your children and grandchildren just isn’t right or fair in those circumstances.

Casdon, It's my opinion that loyalty to my husband comes first, before any other relationship. Opinions may vary!