I really think I would have made a good grandfather.

It is probably worth trying to let the children know he would like a separate relationship, as that may change things in regards to contact

Casdon

Normandygirl

I don't think that I would want a relationship with anyone, AC or not, who couldn't show some understanding, tolerance and compassion towards my partner, who is suffering from an illness over which they have no control. I would be horrified if my AC's said that they couldn't deal with someone who had a disfiguring cancer and it was "upsetting "for their children. I see no difference just because the illness in question is affecting the brain.

You clearly haven’t lived with somebody who has a serious mental illness or dementia if you think that Normandygirl. Without further explanation from DannyD we don’t know the exact situation. His wife may be violent, angry, have a vicious tongue, have mistreated them as children, be deliberately unkind to their children, withdrawn to the extent that she doesn’t communicate at all or many other scenarios. He is standing by her, but he clearly understands why his children don’t want to keep in contact with their mother, we don’t so we shouldn’t judge them without the full facts. This post is about him maintaining his relationship with them despite the difficulties.

That's a sweeping assumption, I have dealt with dementia for many years with my Grandma and I can assure you I know first hand the challenges involved in caring for someone with this illness. Several times she went "walkabout" in the middle of the night and on one occasion was found bloodied and bruised along a duel carriageway. She regularly went along our street breaking off all our neighbours wing mirrors. That was in addition to the day to day challenges such as forgetting that she had eaten and demanding more food constantly. My children grew up with this and understood the cause and were mainly understanding and sympathetic, they always treated her with kindness as children often do.
I also later had to deal with my older brother who suffered from bipolar and chose to commit suicide on New years Eve Please don't make an assumption that because I have a different point of view, it's because I have no experience of the situation.

While dementia is devastating and the individual is not aware of his/her actions, OP also mentions depression, bipolar, etc.

An adult can very well remediate those or at least try to.

The original post has plenty of red flags that are being ignored - demonizing ACs for not supporting a dementia patient is very inaccurate

Both of my parents had this disease. It's horrible, it's incurable and it tears the guts out of family life.?

But, I would not have left them to it, or not supported my dad when he was caring for my mother.

The children coped just fine.

What a painful thing to be living with DannyD.

I think I would be telling my children that I love them very much, miss them, and what can I do to make the situation better.

A card with a letter inside and perhaps some money to buy something for the kids? An olive branch!

If you are able and willing to see them without your wife I would be letting them know.

Perhaps they have always struggled with her and Dementia is just too much for them? Only you will have an idea as to what has gone on before.

I hope you can find a way to move forward and be reunited.

Casdon This post is about him maintaining his relationship with them despite the difficulties.

OP didn't say that, he has an "it is what it is" attitude

Hithere The original post has plenty of red flags that are being ignored - demonizing ACs for not supporting a dementia patient is very inaccurate

Indeed, OP just seems sad, but resigned to his life.

VioletSky He is the one asking for support here and I support him seeing his children and grandchildren

I have not read anything that indicated he was asking support, rather just making *some statements with many omitted details (as is his pejorative)

Norah

Casdon This post is about him maintaining his relationship with them despite the difficulties.

OP didn't say that, he has an "it is what it is" attitude

I think saying in the title that he would have made a good grandfather and his regular attempts to speak to his more local son is evidence that he wants to maintain a relationship Norah. I don’t read his post as it is what it is at all, I think he’s very sad but would do anything to put things right with his children if he can.

Ah Normandy girl can I point out that none of the very difficult situations with your grandmother involved physical violence towards children or other adults who were less strong than themselves. Or cruelty to small animals.
Nor constant verbal abuse along the lines of how useless your children were, how they should have been aborted or strangled, with gestures to match. Your grandma did frighten an older child into attacking his smaller brother or threaten you with a knife while your children looked on.

You have had experience with dementia but I can’t believe you would have willingly allowed your children to remain in that kind of scenario.

The OPs son invited them for Christmas. At they point they were willing to support and have the OP and his wife in their home. But something happened, bad enough for the parents to say “No more”.

grandma didnt frighten

It’s a pity DannyD hasn’t responded to the many comments - many constructive and helpful.

Georgesgran

It’s a pity DannyD hasn’t responded to the many comments - many constructive and helpful.

Like so many posts recently, the OPs post and never return.

Lathyrus

Ah Normandy girl can I point out that none of the very difficult situations with your grandmother involved physical violence towards children or other adults who were less strong than themselves. Or cruelty to small animals.
Nor constant verbal abuse along the lines of how useless your children were, how they should have been aborted or strangled, with gestures to match. Your grandma did frighten an older child into attacking his smaller brother or threaten you with a knife while your children looked on.

You have had experience with dementia but I can’t believe you would have willingly allowed your children to remain in that kind of scenario.

The OPs son invited them for Christmas. At they point they were willing to support and have the OP and his wife in their home. But something happened, bad enough for the parents to say “No more”.

Nowhere in the OP's post did he indicate any violence, verbal or otherwise took place, in fact he said that the he felt the visit had gone really well. That doesn't sound to me that his wife was attacking anyone or threatening anyone with knives etc. Dementia is a progressive illness and very individual in it's symptoms and we have no idea how it is affecting the OP's wife or her behaviour. Not every dementia sufferer is violent or abusive and jumping to that conclusion is pre-emptive.

I think you were the one jumping!

He was very clear that his wife suffered from from long-standing and ongoing mental health issues and the dementia was an additional new issue.

The sons comments, I think, show that it is something the whole family have had to deal with over the years but you seem to gave focused only on the recent diagnosis of dementia and judged them on that and your own experience.

I just wanted to point out that their experience is likely to have been very different from that of a loving granny who has become confused. Enough to make the son decide that it was not what he wanted his family to have to endure. We don’t know what happened, the OP was unaware. But something did.

I think he just wants to be a part of all of his children's and GC's lives, something that most of us want. Hopefully the responses here have given some food for thought, perhaps enabling him to decide what he is and is not able or prepared to do going forward.

In any event, this has to be something that his children want too.

Some parents are very protective of their children in case they "get upset".
If that is the case here, then it really is what it is.

My big grandsons dad didn't want him to come to my mums funeral, in case he got upset. he was overruled

MissAdventure Some parents are very protective of their children in case they "get upset". If that is the case here, then it really is what it is.

None of my daughters like their children or grandchildren upset for any avoidable reason, nor did I. Reasonable I think.

I think paying his respects to his nan was unavoidable.
She and my daughter were best friends, and he was old enough to express that he wanted to go.

It's not as if someone strangled a kitten in front of him.

If people have got a bit of soars time they might like to read the novel “Notes From an Exhibition” by Patrick Gale.

It is fiction but gives a very clear account of a childhood in a family where one parent has mental health problems and the other parent, in supporting her, is in totally denial as to his children’s experiences with their mother and the extent to which both parents require the children to constantly accomodate their mothers needs. The story goes on into their adult lives and how it then impacts on them into their life and relationships.

It was thoroughly researched by talking and listening to peoples experiences.

As I said before, the son was willing to have his parents therefor Christmas so something happened to change that.

spare time ?

I liked that book too

The ending shocked me. I didn’t see that coming, did you?

One of the bits that sticks with me is the daughter always having to give in to her mother’s demand that she spend time with her having tea with her mother’s friends. Totally ignored and somewhat frightened.

And the mother and father both convinced that it was a wonderful treat to have her mother take notice of her. Her memories of the ongoing agony of the whole thing. And the adults oblivion and focus on themselves.

It has been some years since I read it and I've had a migraine today so my memory is hazy at best I just remember being gripped by it and I read it one sitting!