The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

I don’t think it’s ever done lightly, I don’t think I ever actually loved my mother, but that didn’t stop me constantly striving to win her approval, I never did.

So although I’ve walked away with no intention of walking back, it’s annoying that I don’t really know why things were as they were.

She’s different with some of the grandchildren, she absolutely adores my oldest daughter, and has definitely tried to cause trouble between us at times, my son she’s indifferent to, and my youngest, she’s not keen on, because I think she reminds her of me.but she loves all of my brothers children.

I find it strange that I can be kind and compassionate with people. cry at the death of the Queen, and have no feelings at all for my own mother.

It is just completely unfeeling to think people don't need to process their own feelings years later

Which is why we are here really and I posted the article

"The hard truth about going no contact"

What I do not understand is why if someone estranges anyone, they would be taking about it years after?

I don't think it is always "clear cut", Allsorts. It's a form of grief like no other. As my family member said, they miss the good bits of the relationship or the relationship they thought they had but can no longer bear the toxic behaviour which in her case could be downright dangerous. Part of you wishes that things could be different, especially if it is a parent or child. You might know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't mean that you are necessarily content with it.

This is important though

If you ever doubt the power of your own voice... just look at what those with ill intentions do to try and silence you

psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/5-ways-pathologically-envious-narcissists-undermine-your-success#3

I don’t think most people who have estranged for years worry about their “conscience being clear”. I think the silence and distance speaks to their resolve in the decision. While there are obviously cases where people reconcile, it’s doubtful in instances where radio silence has been the rule for years that guilt is a factor. For me, the opposite would be true. I personally couldn’t spend day after day after day of my life lamenting such a loss, as I struggle to see how it promotes healing. There are a few analogies that come to mind. I liken it to continuously reliving the worst days leading up to the death of a loved one. For me, it is the exact opposite of therapeutic. Like opening a scab with a sharp butcher knife everyday.

I'm sure I remember an article about it Wyllow I think that envy is well known. Will have a look

Sara I also think it's important we talk about it.

There are so many out there still struggling who need to be saved from toxic relationships.

I am so grateful to all those who have broken free and still had the strength and made time to support others

Without all the well written articles and the stories and that support.. I may have been sucked back in or I may never have achieved any healing at all.

I'm so grateful

Envy - indeed. The man I'm parting from - one of the determining factors (of many, but stands out) is envious of the fact that I have loving grandchildren. (You see, they were from previous marriage, and I have a good relationship with Ex)

At one point in the last few months he made me choose between them and him. And sadly of his own making, he was so abusive to DiL.

As my sister said (dear wise sister!), how many woman would put a new partner in front of their own children? (Unless of course dear readers it's your child doing the abusing).

I'd say my parents were good enough on the looking after front and never openly destructive. But I do look at close families full of hugs and affection and realise there was something lacking. I don't envy them but well, I tried to do better myself!

Allsorts
Mostly I agree with you.
I have a clear conscience, I have no intention whatever of backtracking, I don’t care what other’s opinions of me might be, and I haven’t involved my children.

But, in my case, and I’m sure so many others, there seems to be so many loose ends and unanswered questions.

I’ll never know for sure why my mother is as she is, and I’ll never know why if mainly affected me.

I want to draw a line under it, but these niggling questions persist.

Reading other peoples experiences is sometimes interesting, especially when they mirror your own.

It does work both ways as you say DL. In our experience it's usually because it wasn't until our ES married that things began to change, rapidly escalating when his first child was born. Doubt is sometimes cast on our account when there's an unwillingness or inability to accept that a third party can destroy a once close and loving relationship.

When someone shares their personal experience that is not too, or intended to say that it is always the fault of the EAC's partner but as you've posted "AC aren't always the victims in the situation" so it's important to accept what we're told, even if it's outside of our own personal experience.

Envy can be very destructive Wyllow and can be the catalyst in estrangement situations. Envying a particularly close relationship can be the reason to tear it apart .

I think envy was a large part of my relationship with my mother.

She sabotaged my exams by creating a big drama to do with my dad. When I started to do well in college she threw me out. She hated that I had a relationship with my dad. On the one hand she told me a lot of awful things about him and on the other she would talk wistfully about how she wished their marriage had worked out, even 40 years later. Lots of other things but, essay is not needed lol

She blamed me for not finishing her own education, not achieving buying her own house and ultimately for my dad leaving. All her problems were my fault.

Getting out of that relationship, I finally went back into education and achieved my dream job.

The only envy I really remember growing up was the good mother daughter relationships I came in contact with. That's probably still the only envy I carry now... but the thought of sabotaging that is vile to me.

What I do not understand is why if someone estranges anyone, they would be taking about it years after? If they were comfortable with their decision there would be no need. I wasn't happy about being the one estranged, so for me it was good to have the help and comfort of a forum where others knew how I felt and I was going through. For reconcilliation both parties need to reach out, if only one side is interested and you have done your upmost to try to engage but rebuffed at every opportunity, there is no alternative but to pass that burden on, you owe it to yourself to be happy , you cannot let anyone with a closed mind, even your own child determine your happiness. It takes a long time to reach that stage from my own experience, but my conscience is clear, very important to me, not everyone I know. It's very much a throw away society now for a lot. If you have made that decision, through abuse,to cut a parent off, surely you have to be at peace with it or it was a futile act as they are still controlling the way you think.

That's, idk, that's beautiful really Wyllow isn't it?

VioletSky, I'm not saying this applies to what you've said at all, or others who have posted but IME there is another source of bitterness, and it's a strange one - envy.

One may think, "who could be envious of me, why?" but sometimes it's as simple as the happiness one has managed to find, despite all.

I'm sorry to hear that diamondlily

But that works both ways, I think. We're estranged from my adult stepson, and some ACs would assume we must be at fault somewhere in all this.

We don't justify it or explain it, and I don't bother to observe anyone, because we don't need to, but we know it's stepson's behaviour that is the entire cause of the problems, aided and abetted by his wife.?

It's all about one subject - money. Stepson wants it when he demands it, we don't obey the demands.

Every estrangement is different, and ACs, regardless of what others might think, aren't always the victims in the situation.

DH is the real victim in our situation. On a personal level, I couldn't care less about my SS or his wife, but he causes my DH pain, which, by default, upsets me.

So, we are both victims of his tantrums.?

I haven't had huge amounts of judgement in general.

It has only really come from 2 sources:

Family members
People who are estranged from a child.

For my family members, I think that my maternal family has been a bit of a toxic appearance obsessed nightmare for a long time except for 1 brother, a cousin and my lovely nan who passed away.

With people who are estranged from a child (I'm of that age group now where lots of people have adult children amd i meet those who have lost that relationship), some (nowhere near all thankfully) have said some pretty awful things.

I haven't really thought too much about why they do this. Perhaps they are judging a strangers child in the hope that somewhere somehow a stranger is judging their child. Perhaps they are taking out their anger on me having lost their own emotional punchbag. Maybe they just like throwing their opinions about without really thinking about or caring who they may hurt in the process.

It's an interesting one that is for sure and I've reached a point where I can just observe this behaviour now and wonder at how they can't understand that this is the sort of behaviour that may have caused their own fate.

Limcha

JaneJudge

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

This is true imo.

I find the worst examples are those who pass judgement on relationships which they themselves are not apart of. To presume to know the inner working of families and couples who do not share the details of their lives with you is also arrogant beyond tolerance. All the more reason to fortify yourself in your family and relationships that are closest to you. People from the outside are just that—outsiders. I am a huge proponent of leaning into the love and relationships that bring you joy. The fulfillment of these relationships eclipses whatever negative effects the judgmental people wish to pass on. They are sad.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Thank you

Very wise, Limcha. Although sometimes it would be nice to have a thicker skin.. ;0)

JaneJudge

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

This is true imo.

I find the worst examples are those who pass judgement on relationships which they themselves are not apart of. To presume to know the inner working of families and couples who do not share the details of their lives with you is also arrogant beyond tolerance. All the more reason to fortify yourself in your family and relationships that are closest to you. People from the outside are just that—outsiders. I am a huge proponent of leaning into the love and relationships that bring you joy. The fulfillment of these relationships eclipses whatever negative effects the judgmental people wish to pass on. They are sad.

I did not think about inheritance when I estranged. Last thing on my mind.

I don't expect to get any and if I do I will use it to benefit my children.

Tbh if I had good parents (mother and stepfather) I'd be telling them to spend it and enjoy life. I wouldn't care

Mandrake
I think you are probably right.
I can’t think of any other reason to be honest.

VioletSky

Thank you for saying that Madgran

You're welcome

I have learnt that part of that process is recognising that different people "take their accountability" in different ways and with different actions ...and was reminded of that by your post Wyllow.