The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

I find what happens more is a third party enters and highlights poor behaviour and creates boundaries that were never there previously the AC is put in a position that had not occurred before

I'm sure in some cases that is the case as you have "found"Bibbity - not sure if you are referring to personal experience, people you have met or through reading.

Equally in some cases that is not the case as there is nothing to highlight in terms of "poor behaviour" , and appropriate boundaries are in place. In some cases the third party influence is not positive for many potential reasons; each case is different ofcourse.

Good point Bibbity.

Madgran77

ACs might look after their parents as they get older out of love rather than duty

Or they might feel a sense of duty that drives them to provide support as needed

If an AC suffered an abusive childhood, then it is entirely reasonable if they do not feel any sense of duty and even though they MAY still feel love (possibly for what they would like rather than what they have as their parent) that love may well not stretch to any sense of duty, if only for self-protection. Entirely understandable. They have no obligation.

That said there is definitely, alongside all those scenarios, another scenario where a third party enters the equation and impacts on the dynamics of a parent/child relationship. There are too many examples of positive parent/AC relationships turning into estrangement or low contact or ongoing fear of estrangement, not always after "years of trying", for that whole aspect to be ignored.

I find what happens more is a third party enters and highlights poor behaviour and creates boundaries that were never there previously the AC is put in a position that had not occurred before

And for many the love of a life partner trunps that of a patent who's behaviour they had either tolerated or who could not evolve and conform to their new life.

oops eventually.

It''s the most natural thing in the world to crave your mother's approval and attention Sara because it should simply be there. Seeing how close your mum was to her mum must have made it even harder for you.

A relationship that was dutiful wouldn't have made your mum feel her spirits always lifted when she saw (your) gran.

My spirits always lifted when I saw our son before he estranged us, but at least I had that with him. I'm sorry you never got to experience that with your mum.

The disruption caused by a third party features in many estrangement situations doesn't it Madgran and if not estrangement can as you say result in low contact or a constant fear that estrangement will happen evenutally.

I know that I’ve never really loved my mother, not even liked her.
But when I was younger I craved her approval and attention, I don’t know why.

My role models in life were my mother and grandmother, they were practically joined at the hip, never a day passed when we weren’t in each other’s houses, so I find it strange that she felt so little affection for me.

None of it matters anymore, I don’t dwell on it, just a lot of unanswered questions remain.

I don’t think my mothers relationship with her own mother was in any way dutiful, she once told me her spirits always lifted when she saw my gran coming down the street.

...and meant to say, a very interesting article!

ACs might look after their parents as they get older out of love rather than duty

Or they might feel a sense of duty that drives them to provide support as needed

If an AC suffered an abusive childhood, then it is entirely reasonable if they do not feel any sense of duty and even though they MAY still feel love (possibly for what they would like rather than what they have as their parent) that love may well not stretch to any sense of duty, if only for self-protection. Entirely understandable. They have no obligation.

That said there is definitely, alongside all those scenarios, another scenario where a third party enters the equation and impacts on the dynamics of a parent/child relationship. There are too many examples of positive parent/AC relationships turning into estrangement or low contact or ongoing fear of estrangement, not always after "years of trying", for that whole aspect to be ignored.

I agree Limcha and as I posted, what matters is being as content as you can be with whatever decision you make.

Whether or not one continuing a relationship is regarded as a sense of ‘duty’ is up for that individual alone to decide in the case of dysfunctional familial relationships. For some, there is no ‘duty’ to override when they are mistreated. Duty simply isn’t a factor when it comes to suffering and not suffering. We cannot decide for others what their duties are to begin with.

That's a good point DL. It would be very hard to estrange both parents because there are problems with one. It's being as content as you can be with whatever decision you make that matters.

It's good you have happy childhood memories of your dad Sara and were able to enjoy that relationship despite how things were with your mum.

DiamondLily
I would never have done it while my dad was alive, despite our differences I loved him, and have very happy childhood memories of just the two of us.

I also think that, if two parents are involved, it (realistically), means estranging from both of them.

So, aside from any sense of duty, or not wanting to separate your children from grandparents (who may be wonderful GPs), you’ve also got to estrange a parent who’s done nothing wrong.

Each to their own, but I’m glad I didn’t estrange my mother - doing so would have hurt my dad and my children, and that wouldn’t have bought me any happiness.

Everyone's different aren't they Allsorts. For some a sense of duty overrides everything else and for some, duty isn't something they regard as important or relevant.

As I posted earlier, it isn't always that sense of duty that a decision is made upon. Despite what has happened, some feel an there's an unbreakable bond which can be between the adult child and the parent they've estranged or between the parent and the adult child they've estranged.

It's good that you managed to break free Sara, not everyone as you say is able to do so even though they wish they could.

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Not everyone feels they owe people who mistreat them. There is nothing wrong with that. Not one bit.

We don’t all have children so that they can “repay” us in old age, regardless of how we behave towards them. As I said, cycles of familial mistreatment can and should be broken if it promotes healing and happiness to those affected by poor treatment. We can all disagree from a personal perspective, as ‘I chose one way, you chose another’. However, placing judgement or a blanket rule for all according to how we choose to live is both unproductive and misguided.

Smileless
You are correct, there are a lot of people suffering really unpleasant relationships out of a sense of duty, estrangement isn’t an option for them, they are family, and that’s that.

Oddly, I thought I was that person, I was always prepared to accept that things were mostly my fault, and that however long they lived I’d have to do penance for all the misery I’d caused.

Then something happened which made me see things clearly, I realised how I’d been manipulated to always think I was the bad person, right from being a small child,

I withdrew from them a lot, but it took another ten years for that moment when I just had enough, and I’ve never looked back.

There’s a duty I think towards the people that raised you. As the late Queen said, recollections can vary. This for many people now is an outdated notion, a lot of people, me included, think we do owe people and need to see that they are cared for in old age. The fact that we don’t get on or have mis matched expectations doesn’t come into it. You look after family. I have a really awful neighbour, going senile now, no family and gets on with no one, I check he’s alright, do the odd tasks for him, it doesn’t cost me anything, I don’t get into conversation really, he doesn’t get around well and is a sad figure, the fact that he was a bit of a tyrant and very selfish, doesn’t alter the fact that he’s old and vulnerable, for me as a Christian I could do no other. I’m not a do gooder.

Limcha I so agree.

I've had to be very honest about how my relationship with my mother has impacted my children.

All the behaviours I learned were wrong when I saw the hurt looks on my own children's faces. Exposing them to her and her favouritism and scapegoating. Letting them be treated like a nuisance in a house she invited them too. Listening to them say that their grandparent wasn't like other grandparents and asking why they didn't get the love their friends talked about.

It breaks my heart now.

My children need and deserve a happy healthy mum and I couldn't really be one in that relationship. It took me too long to see that every time I needed a mum she wasn't there.

What we allow is not only what will continue happening to us but the example we set our children. Its not OK to teach our children that we let people make us unhappy just because they say they love us. That means risking our own children putting up with unhealthy relationships.

The cycle has to stop.

I used the word abandoned as it was in Limcha's post Bibbity. "My mother or MIL was awful to me but I never abandoned her".

When the person concerned is elderly and/or in poor health some people do feel as if by not being there for them they're abandoning them, even if they have been estranged prior to their advanced years and/or deterioration physically.

ExDancer

I think I may be the mother who is being 'no-contacted'.
We live 400 miles from my son who has had cancer. This has been completely removed, yet he is having chemo for a lymph node that has picked it up. It is making him feel very ill.
He rings me every week, but a couple of weeks ago he got annoyed because I mentioned Macmillans to him as a place he could get more information.
I obviously intended to be helpful, but he lost it and said he did NOT have cancer and if I continued to insist that he did he didn't want anything to do with me.
Now he's ignoring my phone and emails, and never rings.
(I have apologised of course).

That is a difficult situation for you.

I wonder if he is under a tremendous amount of stress and not coping. I hope he is able to recover and you regain your relationship on good terms

HousePlantQueen

As someone who has been fortunate to not have suffered from emotional abuse or to have had to consider going no contact, I found this article very interesting. The most pertinent point I think is the comparison to an abusive spouse and divorce which nobody would criticise you for. to those on here who have made the difficult decision.

Thank you ?

Sara1954

Interesting Violetsky, I have to say though, that I don’t think my mother is a narcissist, she hasn’t got enough emotion for that.
She is unkind, cold, critical, spiteful, she makes me feel like the absolute worst version of myself, she made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, disgusting but apart from the odd smack we were not abused
I certainly agree though, that estrangement can be liberating and sometimes I don’t think you realise how bad it has been, till after you’ve escaped.

I know what you mean, I genuinely spent a long time thinking I was the problem because my mother convinced me of that and that anyone else she treated badly deserved it. It was a baffling merry-go-round of her pushing me almost too far and then being nice for a bit.. I actually feel lucky she eventually caused a nervous breakdown... strange as that is to say because I finally got help and my children finally told me they didn't like her either!

Bibbity

That article is really brilliant and the accuracy was a bit eerie.

For me it was my MIL and she did not have the stealth to mask her self like I have seen others talk about si after about 15 mins of meeting her I wondered what I had gotten myself into.
But because of that I've had so so much of the
"It's just what she's like"

And I do belive it. I do belive she is incapable of change. But that does not explain why we should be miserable and suffer by having her around.

I experienced more anger than my husband as I wanted to stop him experiencing the emotional manipulation and triangulation.

What mother argues with one son and then calls the other to stir?

I really liked the article, and the wording too, felt friendly lol

If MIL was a narcissist, they quite often talk about different types...

Malignant and Covert are 2 main ones. Malignant are very out there and covert hide it behind a false nice self

I think abandon is a very interesting choice of word.

You abandon a defenceless child or animal.

I don't see severing a relationship with a functioning independent adult as abandoning them as they bare no responsibility for their physical, mental or emotional needs.