As an 'only' child my dad told me my mum suffered from 'nerves' and that I should ignore when she was difficult or nasty. He did his best to get me away from her whenever he could. He paid another relative to look after me so she could go and work with him, he encouraged me, let me take up hobbies, have a bit of independence, let me spend weekends at the stables and so on. She hated losing her control of me though and didn't let me forget that. Although I didn't receive much empathy or love from my mother, she did like to boast about any achievements I had. I was very close to my dad though, who adored me, and the family member who looked after me weekdays was my saviour. I also had cousins on my paternal side who I could go and stay with. She did not let me mix with my maternal cousins or stay in friends houses. She also lost all of her friends over the years. Mostly they had been 'work' acquaintances who came to see through her.
As I matured I realised how much she was controlling me and I rebelled. I saw how she would lie and manipulate people, she even tried to show me how to do that. From the moment I rebelled, she started hating me, blaming me for her life, gaslighting me, repeatedly telling me I was less important to her than my dad. I started calling her out in front of visitors when she lied to them and was punished for 'contradicting' her. As she was a woman who saw herself as being 'special' and 'of status' this was particularly enraging to her but still she continued to blame me for everything that went wrong or wasn't perfect in her life. Although her behaviour and the 'oddness' of it had come into my consciousness then, I had no one who could explain narccistic personality disorders to me at that stage of my life. Once I did, I moved well away from her until having to move back closer, as she became frail and needed help.
Up until her dying day she put me down while I looked after her affairs for her, got her shopping and whatever else she needed. She insisted I had never done anything for her and repetitively told me and anyone else who would listen, how I had been a lovely little girl who did everything she wanted until suddenly as a teenager I changed. She even berated me to my children.
Since then I have reflected upon just what a difficult and lonely childhood I actually had. I would be told by her that my pastimes were a waste of money that she could have put to better use. She was jealous that my dad loved me and that he encouraged my independence. My husband was just horrified about her treatment of me. She even got him on his own and told him how awful I was. She really believed her own lies - he was so sad to realise this.
I never, ever had a complete discussion with her about her narcissim until she lay dead when I broke my heart, telling her how it had been for me, getting it all out. I (mostly) have peace from her in my head now. She was just so powerful over me. My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered this way.
Do you still wear you original wedding and engagement ring