Narcissists are boring

As I'm currently getting out of a situation (DH) I have read and read (and read) a lot of stuff. Quora is a website that has immense amounts and its helped me immensely.

What has struck me tho is to be careful about using the term too easily, as features of narcissism have quite a lot in common with other conditions (like BPD) and sometimes extreme bi-polarity for some - or combinations. And its also a matter of degree - some narcissism is far more subtle than others.

but what helped immensely was being able to put words/terms to experiences, like "gaslighting", the complexity of lies (ie how much the person knows they are lying or its deliberate and conscious) the idea 'love bombing" followed by withdrawal of love:
of "supply", (aka victims and the role we played)

but just as important what part I played in it - being vulnerable, being an empath, needing to please, being unwilling to see what was glaringly in front of me because of dependency. Believing I couldn't live without him.

I realise its different for a child as you are much more helpless. It then depends a lot who else you have around you and if you have siblings and who you meet as you grow up, whether you become aware of it as a teenager (I didnt, but my sister did).

BigBertha1

After a life time of wondering why I read a book recommended on here 'You're not crazy it's your mother ' and I cried with relief. The whole book described my mother and her actions perfectly. It was very very sad but now I know why.

It's so good isn't it?

Just the title is everything

yogitree I am glad that you 9mostly0 have peace from her in your head x

After a life time of wondering why I read a book recommended on here 'You're not crazy it's your mother ' and I cried with relief. The whole book described my mother and her actions perfectly. It was very very sad but now I know why.

Caleo

I've found that some people are uncaring some of the time or in some situations, and caring in other situations. The sign of behaviour that is not narcissistic is the person concerned tries to make up for behaviour that hurt you.

some people are just cruel though

The bit about best friend is such a joke, that's what she wanted people to "think" we were, all about keeping up appearances. Mattered far more what she was portraying to the outside world than the reality of our repetitive cycle of a messed up mother daughter relationship where I had to do the majority of the parenting.
Definitely right about no heart and soul, unless it's the one she claims is "breaking" now I've put a stop to the contact. Nearly a year free. It's been freeing.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that too yogitree

That is definitely not the context I meant for "boring" DSL

Just that they all follow the same patterns and don't have much original thought

I had a narcissist for a father, who had an explosive temper.. I didn't find him boring because you never knew when he would erupt or lash out at you.. I could never relax, was always on my guard. It was exhausting and extremely stressful, so bad that I ended up with a stomach ulcer at the tender of 17. I could not leave home fast enough.

Life without constant drama is so sweet.

As an 'only' child my dad told me my mum suffered from 'nerves' and that I should ignore when she was difficult or nasty. He did his best to get me away from her whenever he could. He paid another relative to look after me so she could go and work with him, he encouraged me, let me take up hobbies, have a bit of independence, let me spend weekends at the stables and so on. She hated losing her control of me though and didn't let me forget that. Although I didn't receive much empathy or love from my mother, she did like to boast about any achievements I had. I was very close to my dad though, who adored me, and the family member who looked after me weekdays was my saviour. I also had cousins on my paternal side who I could go and stay with. She did not let me mix with my maternal cousins or stay in friends houses. She also lost all of her friends over the years. Mostly they had been 'work' acquaintances who came to see through her.

As I matured I realised how much she was controlling me and I rebelled. I saw how she would lie and manipulate people, she even tried to show me how to do that. From the moment I rebelled, she started hating me, blaming me for her life, gaslighting me, repeatedly telling me I was less important to her than my dad. I started calling her out in front of visitors when she lied to them and was punished for 'contradicting' her. As she was a woman who saw herself as being 'special' and 'of status' this was particularly enraging to her but still she continued to blame me for everything that went wrong or wasn't perfect in her life. Although her behaviour and the 'oddness' of it had come into my consciousness then, I had no one who could explain narccistic personality disorders to me at that stage of my life. Once I did, I moved well away from her until having to move back closer, as she became frail and needed help.

Up until her dying day she put me down while I looked after her affairs for her, got her shopping and whatever else she needed. She insisted I had never done anything for her and repetitively told me and anyone else who would listen, how I had been a lovely little girl who did everything she wanted until suddenly as a teenager I changed. She even berated me to my children.

Since then I have reflected upon just what a difficult and lonely childhood I actually had. I would be told by her that my pastimes were a waste of money that she could have put to better use. She was jealous that my dad loved me and that he encouraged my independence. My husband was just horrified about her treatment of me. She even got him on his own and told him how awful I was. She really believed her own lies - he was so sad to realise this.

I never, ever had a complete discussion with her about her narcissim until she lay dead when I broke my heart, telling her how it had been for me, getting it all out. I (mostly) have peace from her in my head now. She was just so powerful over me. My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered this way.

I've found that some people are uncaring some of the time or in some situations, and caring in other situations. The sign of behaviour that is not narcissistic is the person concerned tries to make up for behaviour that hurt you.

Wyllow you just have to do whatever is needed for you to heal.

Are you No Contact with ex? For some that is very necessary to recover.

My healing... I talk about it... All the talking lol

That's what works for me, typing or writing out my thoughts gets them out of my head and not swirling around in there being disruptive ?

I do have empathy for my ex despite all and the abuse was horrifying over the last months, easing now and going to get help.. However, I have managed to stop being pulled into the games, mostly.

We had good times together as well as awfulness, and the abuse was often more subtle than people experience till it came to a head.

It does help to understand what made them as they are, however in some way this got in the way of me being strong and drawing boundaries. Caring empathy.

The other thing I need to learn and learn good is, what is it in me that made me vulnerable, even so naive so long.

I'm probably not the only one who longs to be able to sit down with the person and reach understandings about the "why's of what happened" in our bad co-depenency but its isn't going to happen.

I think that as hard as it is, we just can't have empathy for narcissists.

At least not in their presence because they will just take and take until they use you up and you have no energy to take care of yourself or anyone else.

Just have to pity them from a safe distance and hope one day they can find a way to heal themselves from what ever it was that hurt them in life that took away their own empathy

Hithere

My mother saw me as her best friend and biggest competition too

Oh I can empathise with this. I needed parents not friends

"That they are all:

Predictable
Repetitive
Use the same tactics
Have no heart
Have no soul
Have no dreams
Have no substance
Can only copy what makes others happy
Can only covet what they don't have"

I had dealings with someone exactly like that last year - she was intent on destroying me and making my life a misery. She was one awful person and fortunately I now do not have to have anything to do with her.

Predictable versus unpredictable

Repetitive so they are easy to train.

Use the same tactics so they are slow learners

Have no heart so they don't react without reflecting.

Have no soul so they are rational.

Have no dreams therefore they are realistic and practical.
Can only covet what they don't have because you cannot covet what you yourself have.

Clarification- she saw me as her best friend while I agreed with her 100%

When I developed my own likes and I wanted to agree to disagree- i was her competitor

To the outside world, she wanted to give the image of best caring mother

I need coffee

My mother saw me as her best friend and biggest competition too

25Avalon

VS it takes many years to learn and accept the truth about another person especially one we are close to because you keep hoping things will change and be better but they rarely are. Leopards don’t change their spots. It has been a long and painful journey for you but you are now free to be who you are. Grasp it with both hands.

Thank you for saying that

My mother actually did call me her best friend, I suppose because she could tell me anything and know I would keep her confidence.

Honestly if everything she told me got back to the people she was talking about, she would have no one at all.

But other than that she was nothing but abusive to me. I think the best friend stuff was just a form of love bombing

Besides, I didn't need a friend, I needed a mum

VS it takes many years to learn and accept the truth about another person especially one we are close to because you keep hoping things will change and be better but they rarely are. Leopards don’t change their spots. It has been a long and painful journey for you but you are now free to be who you are. Grasp it with both hands.

Allsorts My mother never saw me as her best friend or put me first.
She was a text book narc.

Narcissistic mothers see children as an extension of themselves, particularly daughters whom they see as their best friend. They put themselves first and their children. Want to exclude outsiders who could come between them. I think the term is used a lot, not explain complex personality disorders that most do not think applies to themselves. A personality disorder can make people think they are the victim. No winners.

GagaJo

Repetitive and boring, yes.

Anytime the one I have in my life starts, I just say 'OK, I'm not arguing ' And stop engaging. It's enraging for them but it helps me cope.

I do something similar to stop pointless arguments

Repetitive and boring, yes.

Anytime the one I have in my life starts, I just say 'OK, I'm not arguing ' And stop engaging. It's enraging for them but it helps me cope.