I feel a complete failure

Social Services cannot cope with the workload they age,we are reading weekly about neglected children but years ago this is a set up would have been looked into. How many times do we hear from children bought up in disfunctional homes due to selfish parents. Why do people keep having children when they don't work and can't cope with what those they do have. I would rather live with a loving person who glad time for me.

I agree that the parents have the ultimate say in how their children are cared for by their grandparents.
But I am amazed by how often small deviations in ‘the rules’ can cause such family drama.
I can’t for the life of me see how your son can object to his child’s bedtime routine, you and your wife are doing a great job.
My heart goes out to that poor boy, so it must be dreadful for you to have to witness all this unkindness and bullying, as others have said, I’ve no doubt your son will be back, and I think you should continue to support your grandchildren, but stop being at their beck and call, let them stand on their own two feet.
Lastly, you are not failures.

TGB70...It's not you and you are not alone. I'm come to the conclusion many adult children who are unhappy or stressed tend to take it out on the only people who give a crap...their parent or parents.

I had this great daughter I was close to....then her husband walks out on her for a 21 year old, while my daughter was pregnant no less. They also had a 2 year old at the time. I realize now that is when my daughter's heart was ripped out and she's never been the same person. But, as much as I have cried for her, I'm done.

She took it all out on me and for the longest time I feared (and still do to an extent) she would estrange from me and I'd never see those two grandkids I love so much, especially my grandson who has always seen what has been unfair to me and he's only a kid, will turn 6 this year.

So I've learned to bite my tongue, and do what I'm told but it has indeed effected my feelings for my daughter. I still love her but in a way, she's gone and the person that replaced her does not have the same heart. She's been critical of me, even kept me away from grandkids for weeks when she was mad one time. I figure it wouldn't have been too hard for her to make it permanent, but I was lucky to get back in and I'm staying , even if I have to cheat and lie. I will not give her any excuse to ever do that again.

Sure, sometimes I feel I am being used, a lot like you feel. I not only help her with the kids but also pay for a lot of things. But grandkids are worth it. Most likely they will get most of anything we have left when we are gone.

I hope you can get back in too with your grandkids.

But 10-1, your son is not happy in his life, for whatever reason and he is taking it out on you. That's what a therapist told me about my daughter.

Sounds like you are dedicated parents and grandparents, and we are usually the ones most stepped on. I don't get it; I know others who don't care so much for their kids and even less for their grandkids, but they are the ones most wanted by both. Life is strange.

You're not a complete failure but you are doing too much.

I'm really bewildered by the infighting on this thread at a suggestion that this family needs to establish healthier boundaries?

Grandparent boundaries:
Don't shout at me when you're angry/frustrated
Don't rely on me for cash or lifts anymore

Parent boundaries:
Make sure my son is asleep by 7.30
Keep any feelings about my life choices to yourself

I really feel sorry for this kid, I think he has a pretty sad life. He'll be 16 soon, perhaps he can choose to live with his grandparents? It sounds like they wouldn't miss him tbh. Not the grandparents job to take him on full time tbh, but might be preferable to the current situation. The parents aren't going to change how they parent in the wider family.

One thing I would say, its irrelevant that the 8yo gets to stay up later than him, the 8yo doesn't have his health conditions. Don't push back on the early bedtime because you see it as one more way that he is being infantillised. I can see how you would feel helpless to prevent all those other ways he is being humiliated and infantilised at home, but the 7.30 bedtime is not the hill to die on. A social worker would take this as "his primary carer has asked you to support this routine to prevent seizures, and you haven't done that." Just take him up to bed at 7 like another poster suggested.

Good luck.

Thank you for all your advice. We will see how things progress. We are away next week so things might change when we come back!

Hope you can enjoy your time away TGB and that things will be better when you return.