Interesting watch

There's a big difference for me between EP's/EGP's who never stop trying to have a relationship with their EAC and GC and an EAC whose never reconciled, deciding they want to care for the elderly and/or infirm parent they estranged and never reconciled with.

I find it quite bizarre TBH but as you say everyone's different.

I don't really understand why you would think it bizarre that I would step up and care for my elderly mother should it be needed and she was not opposed or capable of ɓing opposed Smileless or that there are estranged children who feel the same or already doing this

Many estranged children loved their estranged parent deeply and it is not their fault they had to save themselves from the relationship

Some estranged children would not consider doing this and that does not mean they did not once love their patent either, they should never feel pressured by anyone and should do what is best for themselves and the people close to them

I'm posting from my perspective and experience as an EP VS. I've made my comments in a generalised way and they're not intended to be an observation of your personal situation.

OK, well I can understand your perspective and how you feel about that situation and i hope you can find a way to make sure your wishes are respected but I can't understand why you find it bizarre in general that there are estranged children who would and are doing this Smileless

As I've said, I've posted from my experience and perspective as an EP, so on a personal level our ES wanting to take care of either of us and our wanting him to do so is bizarre.

Also, none of the EP's I know would welcome it.

OK Smileless

No worries VS.

Several years ago I decided that my life would be far better without the toxicity brought to it by my mother and sister, so I told them exactly why and walked away.
My mother accused me (for over 3 decades) of lying about a very significant matter, and my sister always took her side in any argument, so my decision wasn't made lightly.
Last year I had a lapse in judgement and sent my sister a birthday card, which was followed up by an accusation of my having put no postage on the envelope (even though she sent a photo of the envelope and it clearly had enough postage on it). So I decided that I'll never do it again.
It was my birthday recently, and my sister texted 'happy birthday', she's never done anything without an ulterior notice where I'm concerned, so determined not to be drawn into her games, I sent one back telling her to leave me alone and made the point of blocking her number.
Some people deserve to be blocked from our lives!

It sounds as if you've done the right thing DeeJaysMum. Sometimes opening that door is the wrong thing to do.

Sometimes, you have to stay away. I estranged my ex MIL in about 1980, because she was damaging to my (then), young children.

I never looked back, or gave her much thought after that. I did tell her exactly why she was out of my life, but that was it.

She died, I think, last year, and I'd never clapped eyes on her since 1980, I certainly wouldn't have provided care or rocked up to her funeral. 🙂

The person doing the estrangement holds all the cards. Some one said their mil was rude and overbearing so never saw her again, did they try ever try discussing it and how she could alter her ways. They might well have done several times I dont know. I have found a few dil's are jealous of the love their husband feel for his mother and once a wife they wont share. We raise sons, with our values and ways, they fall for that man, mil is history. Eventually son and children realise this. My Dil is not like that, she is closer to her own family but is loving to me. I never knew why my d estranged me, but now I do now. People hate you because they see you as a threat, want to be you or are jealous of you.

We raise sons, with our values and ways, they fall for that man, mil is history yes it's incomprehensible Allsorts when there's jealousy from the son's wife/partner of the relationship they have with their mum, to the extent that they become estranged.

You and I were estranged at the same time time Smileless until I was trolled off. Moving has made such a difference to you and I should do it but I’m stuck in this time warp. I remember initially the disbelief, hurt and the puzzlement of it all and it’s taken me years to get to here. I wish it hadn’t taken all that time to realise that someone who does that to you isn’t the person you loved so much. As mothers we seek to see what we could have done to cause the estrangement, we look for what was it I did. Except in very extreme cases where it’s necessary to distance from toxic people, there is no excuse, we know we are not capable of putting that kind of hurt onto anyone, never mind your own family. You let go. Getting old isn’t easy, without someone there to love and be loved by and makes it a lonely place, I take the time every time I go out to pass time of day with people on their own as so many go back to an empty home. I took a lot for granted when young and fitting work, children and home into 24 hours. Perhaps when our children get old they might contemplate what effect their absence had on us and wonder was it worth it.

Allsorts

The person doing the estrangement holds all the cards. Some one said their mil was rude and overbearing so never saw her again, did they try ever try discussing it and how she could alter her ways. They might well have done several times I dont know. I have found a few dil's are jealous of the love their husband feel for his mother and once a wife they wont share. We raise sons, with our values and ways, they fall for that man, mil is history. Eventually son and children realise this. My Dil is not like that, she is closer to her own family but is loving to me. I never knew why my d estranged me, but now I do now. People hate you because they see you as a threat, want to be you or are jealous of you.

Well, I estranged my MIL, and I had no feelings about her relationship with my ex. It was what it was, She wasn't overbearing with the kids, never wanted to babysit or anything.

But, she did keep telling my toddlers that their Dad wasn't their dad (he was lol), and teaching them to swear etc.

Not good, the nursery were going nuts....🙄

It just got too much, although I did try for 7 years, and it was just about protecting the children.

I wish it could have been different, but it wasn't.🙁

I never regretted walking away though.

There’s an assumption that estrangement happens too easily. DiamimibdLily’s 7 year history of trying to make a relationship work is in my experience much nearer to the truth.

Yes we were estranged at the same time Allsorts and I think it probably took me about 5 years to make real progress, and a lot of that was due to the fact we moved after 4 years.

It was such a relief go get away from them, sounds awful doesn't it, but never knowing if we'd see them when we going out or going home was incredibly stressful. I never believed we could rebuild our lives while they lived just up the road from
us.

I didn't have to make the move alone which made it easier but getting to the point of making that decision was very hard for Mr. S.. We put the house on the market but took it off again because he really didn't want to leave. I'd given up my gift shop because I was supposed to have our GC to help with childcare and being at home all the time just made it intolerable.

Mr. S. was still running our main business which helped although how he managed to function at all in the beginning remains a mystery to me. Staying there was making me ill so back on the market it went and the rest as they say is history.

Did you take a lot for granted? I wonder. You were busy with raising a family and working to provide for them. Not ever thinking for one moment that you would be estranged isn't because you took them and your life for granted.

I'd never even heard of AC estranging their parents which was why finding that first thread here on GN 10 years ago was such a blessing. The relief of knowing we weren't alone and finding others who understand and gave support was literally a life saver.

You might not be stuck in a time warp Allsorts. You often day that moving is what you need to do, but maybe it isn't.

I try and do as you when I'm out and if I'm getting irritated because an elderly shopper is having a conversation with the person at the check out, I remind myself that they maybe going home to an empty house.

What a bizarre thing to do DiamondLily, telling your toddler GC that their father isn't their father. Why would someone do that and teach them how to swear!!!

Years and years trying to make my relationships work

When I heard from my cousin all the lies that had been told about me (only family member I am in contact with in secret) I suddenly realised how much work my mother had done to keep me seperate to my own family

My cousin is a kind and sweet person, we had spent a lot of time together in childhood as we are the same age, she had never believed my mother as an adult but the rest of the family, are all very drama centric and she bends over backwards keeping things pleasant with her own sister and parents so, we talk in secret.