Nail in the Coffin

This is so sad OP, what a terribly difficult situation you’re in.
I honestly think you need to stand up to your wife, say you can’t live the life the life she is forcing on you.
She needs help surely as she is now not only controlling, without success, her son, but also yourself, it’s emotional blackmail, it’s cruel and extremely unkind.
I would say to her you cannot live your life without your son and grandchildren in it, I would write to your son, even send him a copy of your post on here, it shows your anguish at the choice you are having to make.
How old are you, do you have a friend you could talk to, could you separate, your wife sounds cold and unloving, it’s no life for you, take time to think of yourself and of the son that you love, we only live once, don’t make it a life of regret.
I wish you all the best.

Taking this at face value I believe it to be true, knowing two couples where one spouse insisted they both estranged from their child because of the totally unreasonable dislike/hatred of the child's partner.

This man is paying a dreadful price for his misplaced devotion to his wife. Unless he is prepared to stand up to his wife and face the consequences (think threats and attempts of suicide) there is nothing else he can do.

So many estranged children face the issue that they cannot have a healthy relationship with one parent and the other parent stands by and does nothing, that it has its own term, "enabler".

Imagine how your son feels that even though you love him and have no issue with your DIL, you haven't stood up to protect them and their children but have instead stood by your wife even though deep down you know she is the problem here.

I think you are being abused here too and facing up to that is extremely difficult, many of us have been there.

It's so much more common than you think, women can be controlling and abusive and people understand that far more now than they did in the past

There is help out there and we can support you while you get it.

If your wife were a good person she would support you to have a relationship with your son and grandchildren even if it hurt her.

Please go see your GP, get yourself pointed at nearby help.

It's very sad but not uncommon in estrangement situations eazybee. It also happens when an AC estranges their parents because of their spouse's dislike/hatred of one or both of their parents.

Only the OP will know if his loyalty to his wife is misplaced.

HappyZebra

I think you maybe need to look inside to see what is important to you. From your last post it appears that your wife is disappointed in your sons decisions and blames your dil. She needs to accept him for who he is and get over it. I think maybe you have? It's a shame your wife can't be proud of your son. To go to college, get a career of his own, raise another persons child like his own? Theres a lot to be proud of there. You've raised a good son.

I don't think the battle here is with your wife and DIL i think its a conflict inside between your love for your wife and your love for your son and his new family. If your wife suddenly accepted your son I imagine you'd be right there with open arms.

All I can say is, are you truly happy with your life as it is? I would never encourage someone to consider leaving a partner but your partner is affecting your quality of life. Why should you be a martyr to your feelings to try and appease your wife? You long to love your grandchildren but can't because your wife can't accept your son for who he is. that's really sad, but her decision.

I would look inside and see what is important to you. I don't know how old you are but you can choose a different path too. My parents got divorced at 63 and are both happy with new partners. Again I don't want to encourage separation but I do want you to know you have the right to be happy. You only live once.

Indeed. I think it often happens that Dad throws away their own AC and GC for mum. I know I've read here where sad Dad has to do mum's bidding because mum feels bad done by 'liar' son.

I wouldn’t say the door is closed between you, OP, and your son & his family. I imagine your son knows his mother well enough to understand the dynamics between you and your wife.
You are suffering “secretly”. I think you should take your own steps towards reconciliation with your son, “secretly” if necessary, in the hope that things will mend between you all, or something like it, in future.
I know secrecy within a family is not advisable, but sometimes needs must.

I don't remember that Norah. Can you remember the thread that was on as I've done a search for sad Dad but nothing came up with that user name.

I’ve just seen your previous post on this subject, OP. It seems to have been your own decision to go “no contact”, some time ago.

Despite everything, your daughter-in-law actually sounds very generous in trying personally to keep in contact with you and your wife.

In these sad circumstances, the advice to seek counselling seems a possible way forward.

The OP of the thread you started last year fishing4life says you'd been estranged from your son for 15 years, so I don't understand why in this OP you've said you've told your d.i.l. not to contact you again, despite her having sent you photo's over the years, but your ES can when he hasn't done so for such a long time.

Your OP for this thread gives the impression that this is all pretty recent when in fact you've sadly been estranged for a considerable length of time.

snap Delila.

Smileless2012

I don't remember that Norah. Can you remember the thread that was on as I've done a search for sad Dad but nothing came up with that user name.

I wasn't quoting 'sad Dad'..

I was referencing sad dads, in general, I've read of here, on GN.

One particularly difficult poster, who seems to be long gone - dentist husband, daughter who seemingly wanted nothing to do with the ridiculously needy mum (hated driving D to uni on the motorways, stupid stuff really). Said poster had no idea how needy and silly she was as she pushed the sad Dad from decent relationships with D&GC. Others abound.

The OP is an adult who is responsible for his own choices. I’m failing to see what is sympathetic about him and his wife being cold-hearted, mean people to their own son and his family. I cannot imagine treating my own offspring this way. And all because he made his own choices in life. It’s horrific. The son didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to have hateful parents. He has children whom he will eventually have to explain to why his mother is so hateful that he needed to cut her out. And he has a father who failed him year after year. This is sad. What kind of love could they have possibly had for their own son if they would rather he be unhappy but doing what they want? What kind of love would see a parent discard their own grandchildren because they hated their grandchildren’s loving mother? That’s not love. That is hatred wrapped in mental illness. This poor young man is being a great Shepard to his family by keeping his toxic mother away. If the OP’s love for his son is so expendable, why should anyone feel sorry for him?

lyleLyle

The OP is an adult who is responsible for his own choices. I’m failing to see what is sympathetic about him and his wife being cold-hearted, mean people to their own son and his family. I cannot imagine treating my own offspring this way. And all because he made his own choices in life. It’s horrific. The son didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to have hateful parents. He has children whom he will eventually have to explain to why his mother is so hateful that he needed to cut her out. And he has a father who failed him year after year. This is sad. What kind of love could they have possibly had for their own son if they would rather he be unhappy but doing what they want? What kind of love would see a parent discard their own grandchildren because they hated their grandchildren’s loving mother? That’s not love. That is hatred wrapped in mental illness. This poor young man is being a great Shepard to his family by keeping his toxic mother away. If the OP’s love for his son is so expendable, why should anyone feel sorry for him?

Agreed.

I can’t believe this post, it’s either a hoax or the grandparents have mental health issues. Dil sound nice despite her being treated so cruelly by in laws. The couple are better off without them, how could anyone treat grandchildren so badly?

Oh, I think it is true Allsorts, I had an aunt like this poster's wife; she had to control her children, forced out any potential partners they had which she didn't like, and decades later one adult child and his family have been estranged for years, one lives abroad and has said it was partly due to wanting to get away from his Mother, and one adult daughter who wouldn't get her children dressed in the morning without her Mother's input.. She plotted and manipulated. My uncle did his best, but ultimately as her enabler, he too paid the price. When she died, several of the estranged grandchildren got in touch, and spent time with their grandad. These people exist, and their family and spouses allow them to do what they do.

So bizarre that the OP has not responded.

Having now read the OP’s earlier post the situation isn’t as clear-cut as it appears in this, his current post, in that the decision to estrange the son was originally made a long time ago by the OP.

Now the OP’s wife is insisting on no contact with their DIL only. The DIL has tried to keep the doors of communication open by sending family photos.

So the situation now is that the OP is vacillating, the wife has insisted on no contact with DIL, & the son has forbidden DIL to contact his parents again.

Sometimes you have no alternative but to accept the consequences of your actions, so consider very carefully your next actions OP, try to get appropriate outside help, and hope it’s not too late.

So the situation now is that the OP is vacillating, the wife has insisted on no contact with DIL, & the son has forbidden DIL to contact his parents again

I am sorry that you and your wife find yourselves in this situation. However I do feel that, on the face of it with the facts you give in your OP, you both bear at least some responsibility for the problem, (I dont know the background other than not liking the DiL that originally created this situation) and that continues now when your DIL appears to be reaching out. I can understand why your son feels now as he does when his wife's attempt at a rapprochement is so roundly kicked back. I suggest both you and your wife would benefit from counselling to come to terms with the sad situation in which you find yourselves.

Delia I hope so too

Can anyone link the previous post?

I can’t find it, but seems like it would be helpful to read as my advice to the OP may well change.

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1316759-Estrangement-sucks?login=complete

lyleLyle

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1316759-Estrangement-sucks?login=complete

Thank you!

I just can't help thinking that after the telling off on the last thread, that this is a cry for help

Is OP trying to convince us this is right or himself?

It's not too late

Mum didn't get what she wanted but it's not too late to see that what parents should want for their children is happiness

Your wife needs some ( a lot of) therapy by the sound of it.

And maybe you could do with some support too, to find your way through this difficulty that she has created.

As many have already said why lose your relationship with your son because of your wife.

She sounds bitter and unforgiving and incredibly selfish. I wonder what happened in her past(childhood?) to make her this way?
Her son has a wife that loves him and someone he loves...she should be over the moon, despite what she thinks of his choice.

I didn't particularly like my son in law but I was always polite and welcoming and included him in all our events... not for my sake but for that of my daughter and granddaughter. I was able to put myself aside for the sake of my child, who I love. They are no longer together but even now I don't trash her previous choice but support her in her new decisions.

They say the parent is as happy as the child... so true. You must be really suffering.