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Estrangement

Dear scapegoats

(58 Posts)
VioletSky Sun 02-Jul-23 21:55:27

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/202306/is-there-an-upside-to-being-the-scapegoat-in-a-toxic-family

There is always an upside

Scapegoated family members have an amazing ability to heal and grow as people. The more they try to bring their scapegoats down, the better we become smile

JaneJudge Sun 30-Jul-23 16:10:29

The list is really helpful VS especially the blame bit. I can't always be everyone else's fault, can it?! yet these people seem to manipulate people into thinking they are perfect all the time

JaneJudge Sun 30-Jul-23 16:11:18

should have said it rather than I

VioletSky Sun 30-Jul-23 16:12:32

It's always a good idea when people describe abuse, to believe them

We have such a broken system in the UK at times because abused people aren't believed

VioletSky Sun 30-Jul-23 18:26:18

JaneJudge

The list is really helpful VS especially the blame bit. I can't always be everyone else's fault, can it?! yet these people seem to manipulate people into thinking they are perfect all the time

Yes, always a justification or an excuse

I found out because it was let slip by another family member, that if I ended estrangement, they would estrange me saying I'd hurt them too much...

That way she would get to take the power back and keep playing victim

It's all a game to them they must win

OnwardandUpward Mon 31-Jul-23 09:01:11

Allsorts, he is very elderly and may not recollect now the details. I think he would be very upset and as he has never been one to apologise for anything or admit he's wrong, I think it would do more harm than good.

Thankyou. I have mostly forgiven, but I do remember.

Like John Thaw, I've got a friend who says the same after her Mum left the family. They had a really hard time but they felt loved by their Dad. I did not feel loved by mine. I certainly did not feel loved by my Mother. I have had a lot of problems to overcome and am a late achiever, but am an intelligent person. I am 100% sure I would have had a completely different life if I'd been nurtured and supported- but we have to make the best of what we have. Dreaming of what might have been doesn't really help.

OnwardandUpward Mon 31-Jul-23 09:08:34

VioletSky

It's always a good idea when people describe abuse, to believe them

We have such a broken system in the UK at times because abused people aren't believed

Yes it is.

Too many people think everyone is like them, but they are not. In the past I have spoken about my relationship with my Mother and been judged for it because other Mothers have been horrified and people have thought I was lying to say such a thing about a Mother!!! I was never lying. I was always truthful but looking for support in the wrong places, for years.

I learned to speak online to other victims and I don't now share off line except to one friend who has a similar experience. Not everyone is the same.

People should stop judging and start being open to listen and support. Mothers kill their children all the time. It's in the newspapers from time to time. Mothers abuse even more (and unless someone finds out, it never makes the news). Many Mothers are good actors, put on a good performance to others. Mine told relatives I was a bad child so they all picked on me too, except one who was not decieved by her- my Grandma. Thank God. I was not allowed to see her often, perhaps four times a year- but she was the one person who I know loved me.

VioletSky Mon 31-Jul-23 11:48:16

This is a big part of the issue, mother's are put on a pedestal and it can be so hard to get help. Even the police have historically failed to prevent victims from stalking and harassment because it was the person's mother doing it.

Things are changing slowly and more help is available now. Colleges and universities are doing a lot to support estranged children. Emotional abuse is becoming more recognised as a crime too.