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Hurting Mum

(98 Posts)
Gurms Fri 04-Aug-23 17:58:53

About four months ago, I became estranged from both my sons and am hurting terribly. I am very depressed and cry to sleep everyday. I had lost my husband to cancer about five years ago and am still trying to overcome the loss. My eldest son who lives with me and his wife are expecting their first baby in September. My younger son lives by himself in Toronto. The misunderstanding started as my elder son wants to convert his younger brother room in the house to be his baby's room. Both had a fight over this and the younger son left in April and has not contacted me since. I have tried to reach out to him in anyway possible but to no avail. My elder son and his wife are not talking to me either as they feel that he no longer stays with us and he has no right to that room although I am the only owner of the house. None of them are contributing to the bills of the house. I am in a very stuck position as I really am not sure what to do. I have tried to reach out to my elder son but he has remained very distant and his wife completely ignores me. I feel very hurt that I don't ask them for any money and am still treated with no respect. I wake up feeling very depressed and a lot of anxiety. I used to be very close to my younger son and miss him a lot. Honestly, I really am feeling very lost and have no idea what to do. Any thought anyone? Thanks

Feelingmyage55 Fri 04-Aug-23 18:05:18

I want to cry with you, for you. I don’t know the answer, but I’ll have a think and come back.
It would help to know if your elder son has a reasonable income. Do he and your daughter in law help you out in other ways.
Well done asking for help.

Hithere Fri 04-Aug-23 18:12:04

Why is the oldest living with you?

Let's start there

Mamma66 Fri 04-Aug-23 18:16:37

Oh dear, what a terrible situation to be in. No wonder you are struggling.

I don’t know what to suggest other than writing a very careful letter to your younger son. Letters give people chance to reflect rather than just react and if you focus on the situation rather than anything which might be construed as blame in his eyes, it could work. If you were to explain that you had felt caught in the middle and the last thing you wanted was to upset him etcetera…

As for your older son, if I am honest, I am less sympathetic to any hurt feelings that he has. He and his wife live with you, rent free, contributing little in practical terms from the sounds of it and making your life a misery to boot. He seems terribly entitled. How old is he? Perhaps he still has a lot of growing up to do and is terrified of impending fatherhood?

I do wish you the best of luck and am sending a virtual hug.

Fleurpepper Fri 04-Aug-23 18:16:37

Yes,essential to know. They can't expect to live with you, not contributing, and also not talking to you, or respecting you.

Do they expect to inherit the house and exclude your other son?

DiamondLily Fri 04-Aug-23 18:17:27

Ok, so I guess you all live in Canada.

If your younger son has moved out, then it's not up to him what your rooms are used for.

If your elder son is staying with you, then he (and his partner) should be paying towards the bills.

The arguments between your sons is a situation you can stay out of - they need to sort it out.

The fact you don't ask for money has no relevance. Most older parents don't ask their ACs for help. They should respect you anyway.

I think you need to stand back, let them sort out their arguments, and just be there to support both of them emotionally.

It's not easy, especially on your own, but that's probably the best way forward.💐

Gurms Fri 04-Aug-23 19:18:42

I really appreciate all your responses. Both my sons and DIL are doing very well in terms of income. My elder son feels that this house is his father's home and he has rights over it without paying which I have disagreed many times. My elder son had all along no intentions of moving out as he and his wife are enjoying all the benefits at my expense. In fact, he had bought a condominium and rented it out. I am also worried that they will not let me have a relationship with their child who is my first grandchild. All of them are in their early 30's. I have tried reaching out to my younger son via email, text and phone calls but he is just not responding. All of them did not wish me for Mother's Day or my birthday that was just two weeks ago. I may not have been a perfect mother but I had always tried to give them my best and supported them in all the ways I could. I feel very let down and extremely hurt.

Callistemon21 Fri 04-Aug-23 19:28:38


Why is the oldest living with you?

Let's start there

And paying no bills either.

DC and bedrooms - they can be very possessive about them even when they've left home.
I let mine fight it out between them when they come home.

I am the only owner of the house
Then it is your decision to make whether or not the room has change of use.

Personally, I think it's time they moved into their own home now they are having a family and, if you wish, you could sell it, buy a smaller property and spend the money enjoying yourself.
It's called Skiing - Spending the Kids' Inheritance.
(Leaving anything remaining to the cats and dogs home)

They are being entitled and selfish.
They need to face up to the realities of life.

Sorry if that sounds blunt.


Fleurpepper Fri 04-Aug-23 19:29:36

That is just not on. It is your home- and then it will have to be shared between both sons.

There is NO way they can expect to continue to live with you without contributing full to their share of costs and respect you. Something is VERY wrong here- and I can understand younger son is furious and has estranged himself from this very unhealthy and unfair situation.

Callistemon21 Fri 04-Aug-23 19:31:14

and then it will have to be shared between both sons

Not if Gurns spends it all first!

Fleurpepper Fri 04-Aug-23 19:37:40

if she sells the house, yes.

Fleurpepper Fri 04-Aug-23 19:44:42

Because they are not paying part of bills, etc- your 'fortune' is dwindling in their favour- so there will be much less to share with your other son when the time comes. It is not fair, not to you, and not to younger son.

We have helped one of our ACs more than the other, for god reasons, but it has all been done openly and the amount will be taken off the one we had to help more, when the time comes, and both are in the know and agree, and Solicitor fully informed and in will.

Fleurpepper Fri 04-Aug-23 19:46:14

good reasons, not god!

MerylStreep Fri 04-Aug-23 20:02:54

You need to read a book called No is a complete sentence
I think it would help you.

Smileless2012 Fri 04-Aug-23 20:08:04

I'm sorry that you are in this horrible position Gurms but it's imperative that you take control.

I'm assuming and please correct me if I'm wrong, that the house now belongs to you so it's irrelevant and ridiculous for your eldest son to believe he has any claim because it was his father's, your husband's home. Of course it was, it was the family home and now it belongs to you.

If your eldest son and his wife wish to continue to live with you, then they must contribute to the household expenses. If they refuse, regardless of her pregnancy, then you need to give them notice to move out.

If they do begin to make a financial contribution and stay, then it is up to you whether or not you allow them to make your youngest son's bedroom a nursery for their baby.

Your youngest son no longer lives there so it has nothing to do with him how you choose to make use of the room that used to be his.

It's totally unacceptable for your eldest and his wife to treat you this way when you are providing a roof over their heads.

Please be strong. Don't allow them to treat you so appallingly, they'll never thank you for it but only increase their demands. Take care of you and let your ungrateful sons take care of themselves.

V3ra Fri 04-Aug-23 20:22:54

Gurms I gasped when I read how awful your entitled elder son and his wife are being to you 😳

Do you have a friend or other family member that you can ask for support in dealing with this?
Or maybe a phone call to your lawyer to clarify your situation and back you up?

sukie Fri 04-Aug-23 20:35:27

I am appalled on your behalf OP. I've two sons also and am trying to imagine this scenario playing out one day. It's at first heartbreaking and then disgusting that they are showing you such disrespect. So at this point, that is what it is, you must now pull yourself together and get on with things for your own best interest.

In my opinion, you need to get the elder ungrateful son and wife out of your house asap. If you must, contact a solicitor to get your ducks in a row. Of course they won't be pleased but they are beyond disrespectful anyway so what do you really have to lose? And just maybe, it will make them look at you in a different light, as a woman who won't be pushed around and bullied by grown sons. Admitted or not, they'll respect that.

I think if you are able to manage this, the younger son may eventually come around. I can see what others have pointed out, that the older brother has essentially bullied the younger one also out of the house, leaving more for himself and wifee. The younger son may feel angry with you for basically laying down and allowing it all to happen. After all, what can he do? The older son is bullying his way into taking over and basically wiping the two of you out of the picture so he can have it all for himself. And he has no shame over it, no conscience at all.

You must hold your head up, stand tall and go forward in your own best interest. You can do this. I'll be thinking of you and wish you the very best.

MercuryQueen Fri 04-Aug-23 20:59:37

I’d look into evicting them, or selling the house. This is absolute nonsense, possibly even financial abuse.

I’d be changing the wifi password, cutting all cable, etc. Locking cupboards, freezer, anything I could to prevent them from continuing to use my resources.

Get to a lawyer and find out how to force them to leave.

Namsnanny Fri 04-Aug-23 21:35:41


Because they are not paying part of bills, etc- your 'fortune' is dwindling in their favour- so there will be much less to share with your other son when the time comes. It is not fair, not to you, and not to younger son.

We have helped one of our ACs more than the other, for god reasons, but it has all been done openly and the amount will be taken off the one we had to help more, when the time comes, and both are in the know and agree, and Solicitor fully informed and in will.

This is a very good point Fleurpepper.
As you said previously, could this be why younger son is so cross?
In this light, I would be cross as well

Foxygloves Fri 04-Aug-23 21:58:08

I think you should sell the house and downsize to something YOU like with a guest room for VISITORS not freeloaders.
Each son will get his inheritance in due course.
It's your house and you can make the decisions. If necessary have a family conference and tell (not ask) them about your decision
Do you have a good friend or family member for moral support?

Gurms Fri 04-Aug-23 23:39:08

I do have a counsellor that I have sessions with every two weeks. She had suggested that I keep contacting my younger son once in a while and let him know that I am there for him when he is ready to talk. I have made a will whereby it is 50/50 for both sons. I do agree that I need to be more tough esp. with the older boy. I do intend to downgrade in a few years as I just wanted to enjoy my home which my husband and I had build with so much of love. But with the current circumstances I Might have to it sooner. I really appreciate all the responses.

welbeck Fri 04-Aug-23 23:44:24

maybe go and see a realtor, just to discuss prices and availability of something you might like.
maybe also take advice on how to ensure vacant possession for the purchaser of your house.
the fact that he is not paying rent should make it easier, legally, as he will have no tenants' rights.
but you need advice on the laws and procedures.

welbeck Fri 04-Aug-23 23:46:40

this is known as getting your ducks in a row, ie seeking information, making preparations, to deal with a situation where there will be some resistance.
the very act of doing this can be empowering.
good luck.

Deedaa Fri 04-Aug-23 23:51:07

It strikes me that perhaps it would have been better if you had spoken to your son about using his bedroom and perhaps avoided the fight with his brother, but you may only have heard about the plan afterwards. It also strikes me that having a baby in the house is going to cause a lot of inconvenience and upheaval for you which makes your older son's freeloading even worse. I would get legal advice and see exactly where you stand.

VioletSky Sat 05-Aug-23 00:23:00

Oh my goodness!

This is your home, I really dislike that your older son seems to think he is the "man of the house" rather than a guest in your home

I agree that the way you are being treated is appalling and I agree I would want them to leave...

However this is far easier said than done. You are living with these people. They are walking all over you.

I do wonder about your younger son, I know he isn't talking to you but could he be under the impression you are siding with them? You obviously seem worried you will lose contact with the future grandchild...

I don't know any places to seek support in Canada but, you need real, close, physical support right now. Please reach out to some sort of elder abuse support. They will be able to guide you on how bad this situation is and get you the right help.

As much as you want to be present in their lives, if the cost is abuse it is not worth paying