Letter to my mother

If that's what you perceive, that's totally valid. Maybe that is what I'm doing.

Helenwaspushed, yes, I have some things to say. One sibling (older) denies any abuse, the other (younger) remembers it all too well.

I felt absolutely nothing but relief when my mother died - not a shred of grief - quite a surprise. I did feel sorry for the grieving older sibling, though. In order to behave acceptably, I had to fake sadness for the funeral and wake - really weird.

You didn't have the access I now have (as an adult with my own insurance and income). I understand what happened and why. I understand that life was hard for you as it was for me. I'm sorry you never moved beyond that

If your mother - or daughter - was ill in hospital, and money was needed for a particular procedure / operation, or else they might die, would you offer to pay (using your *own income*)?

Counselling, you imply, helped you. Perhaps it might have helped someone else, if they’d had the money?

Hetty 58

Needing to fake the appropriate emotions is something we know too well. It's also exhausting. It's part of why I made the decision to cut it off. My real reactions and emotions weren't ever welcome. I also discovered my autism and ADHD recently and that's made it even clearer to me how toxic that relationship was.

34Sallysnan

Daughter yes, mother no. If I make the decision to bring someone into the world, or into my home, and be their protector, that's an obligation I take seriously.

I owe nothing to a mother who doesn't love me. There were loads of chances to mend the relationship and now they're used up. She can find help with others because I don't exist for her anymore.

Hi Helen,

Thank you for posting your pov it is very much appreciated.

There is so much more support and intelligence available now so that you don’t make the same mistakes with your family.

I hope you will be very happy and positive about your choices in life.

Has your Mom been in touch as you’d said you’d cut off two years ago. I just wondered what made you want to reflect on your situation recently? I hope you don’t mind me asking?

Thank you

49Justbecause

I don't mind sharing more. I will keep it vague but trigger warning about abuse for anyone reading it.

Since cutting her off she has sent a few letters, but she didn't say anything she hadn't been saying to me for years. It was upsetting at the time because I felt like my boundaries were being violated. I think a letter from her now would just end up in the trash.

This has been a super long process for me. I was abused in every sense by my father as a young kid. However, I remembered none of it until I had been in therapy for 2 years already. That came back along with some very alarming memories with my mom where I think she intended to kill us both. I also started to openly recognize that I am an atheist and that stirred up a lot of issues that we couldn't overcome. She downplayed mental health as a real issue even before I said anything to my therapist about her.

At this point I cut her off.

My healing process didn't start for real until she was out of my life. Her presence in my life kept me from recognizing the negative perceptions of myself that she spent my whole life planting. Once that filter of myself through her eyes was lifted, I started coming to terms with the abuse. My mother is so against mental health treatment and would have denied anything I said about my experiences if it meant she wouldn't look like a bad mom. Hearing someone say your traumas didn't happen or were just "your perception" would have been so damaging to me while I was working to accept and believe myself.

Sorry for the wall, but I didn't answer your question. 😂

I talk about it now because reading others experiences through forums and books has been so healing. I want other people who may be less comfortable with shutting down harmful comments to read this perspective.

Knowing that others have had similar experiences is I agree healing. Knowing that you are not alone and there's no need to feel guilt or shame really aids the healing process.

It is both hurtful and harmful when you're not believed and the finger of blame and responsibility is pointed at you, because all any of us can do is tell our own stories and hope that by sharing we can help others as well as help ourselves.

Well said, Smileless2012.

Everybody deserves to feel heard and understood.

Thank you for sharing.
It’s wonderful you have been so strong and on your healing journey.

Helenwaspushed I read those letters and emails for way longer than I should have done hoping for some sort of change.

It really is so freeing when you reach acceptance that nothing new would be forthcoming

I had a horrible situation recently where she sent a friend with a note to my doorstep. She has lost that friend now because they really didn't know what had been asked of them and they were horrified they were used that way

Wow, that sounds awful VioletSky. I'm sorry you and your mother's friend were ambushed that way. It was an attempt at gaining control over you again and I'm glad it didn't work (I'm assuming).

Working to have empathy and understanding for my mother's circumstances has helped me realize that she will never grow in the way I needed her too. Her perception of me is frozen in time. I will always be her pre-teen daughter. Her understanding of me will not progress beyond it.

It's comforting to accept that she has her own reality that I can't control. I'm just not willing to live in it.

They are incredibly broken people, who abuse their own children and prefer to create a reality where they are wonderful and didn't

The choice to heal was always theirs and they could have made that choice at any time

There are plenty of so called "broken/damaged people" about of all ages.

They live in a fantasy bubble of their own making. Lies, fantasy situations and deceit carries them forwards.

I'm currently, unfortunately, involved with two - one my age, and one, who is a young woman. Thankfully, I'm not actually related to the young woman.🙄

It's not an age related problem.

On forums like this, I suppose the best way is to accept that everyone has a back story, and not try to argue about it.🙂

Autism and ADHD are for a lot of people too challenging to deal with. Sad but true. It sounds as if you have made absolutely the right decision Helen and good you have loving and supportive people around you.

Thank you Allsorts.

DiamondLily, I might have missed where someone said this, but I don't believe it is restricted by age either. Every abusive mother was a daughter once. Abusive behavior and the health consequences is also passed down through generations often. It's quite sad.

The cycle of abuse. Takes a great deal of courage and strength of character to break it.

Helenwaspushed

Thank you Allsorts.

DiamondLily, I might have missed where someone said this, but I don't believe it is restricted by age either. Every abusive mother was a daughter once. Abusive behavior and the health consequences is also passed down through generations often. It's quite sad.

I think sometimes, on here, there seems to be a perception, that GPs are always hiding from the truth.

There can be abusers in each generation - we all have a back story.🙂

Yes we do DL.

DiamondLily,

I don't disagree with any of that. I also don't think my mom's story or perspective has to do with me or my choices anymore. I am representing myself rather than trying to be impartial. I accept that we have different perceptions of what happened because I'm not longer trying to change what she thinks.

What I experienced is the truth of what happened as far as I'm concerned. It's a choice that I made in the healing process to believe myself and my own recollection as fact. In the greater scheme of things it isn't that black and white, but I've chosen my own side.

To be clear, I'm not implying anyone is questioning my truth because I don't feel that way.

I'm just saying that the outside/third party/unbiased view isn't what I'm after in my own life. It used to be but I had to make a choice.

Helenwaspushed

To be clear, I'm not implying anyone is questioning my truth because I don't feel that way.

I'm just saying that the outside/third party/unbiased view isn't what I'm after in my own life. It used to be but I had to make a choice.

No, I certainly wouldn't question anyone's truth - no matter who they are.

Families often have problems, and the only ones that understand it all are members of that family.

We all make decisions through life, and we all have to stand by them.🙂

There are a few books that have helped me to heal, and I want to share names of a few of them here. All of these deal with problematic and abusive relationships with mothers, so keep the intended audience in mind. I'm hoping that the adult children who need this will find the list. These books are so validating and helped me find comfort and confidence in my decisions.

Discovering The Inner Mother by Bethany Webster: About generational trauma, mother-daughter relationships (from the perspective of the daughter), and learning to parent your own inner child so you can heal.

What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo: CPSTD, abusive parents, neuroscience behind trauma during development, etc. This one really helped me accept my own experiences as real, and understand the effects it has had on me as an adult. This was one of the more difficult ones to read, especially at the beginning. So tread with caution.

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy: About an American child tv star and her enmeshed relationship with her narcissistic mother. This is more of an autobiography of her life. It's raw and real but again, not an easy read if you're triggered easily.

Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong by Mary Catherine McDonald PhD. This is another one that is great for validating your own experiences, especially when others are telling you they didn't happen. It helped me listen to my body and mind more and really understand the physical consequences of trauma during development.

You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother by Danu Morrigan: I'm still working on this one. The title reflects the authors style well. It is not written to be delicate or "fair" to the mother. It focuses specifically on narcissistic mothers so if that doesn't apply to you it may feel too harsh. If the title upsets you, definitely skip it for now. So far I've learned a lot about how narcissistic mothers think and how to tell when a behavior is narcissistic or just problematic. There is also a great descriptions of the different options like low and no contact and how to create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Peg Streep is wonderful and worth a follow, books and social media

I have read the Danu Morrigan one and it is very good

Your Body Keeps the Score is also incredibly interesting