Letter to my mother

Daughter Detox is on my list! Thanks for the reminder.

I'm only just at a place where the red flag behaviors are obvious. I think I've really understood it and then I just end up learning more. It's exhausting to put so much work into myself and my own thoughts and behaviors. Some people won't change, and will continue to believe whatever is most comfortable. It's maddening to watch but all I can do is share my experience and hope the right people see it.

It is hard to see our parents refusing to acknowledge the pain that we experienced when we were supposed to be protected by them. Reading these books and realizing there's nothing we could have done to be loved by them is heartbreaking and liberating. Every child deserves unconditional love from the parents that brought them into the world. I deserved that.

Very mixed feelings.

All that to say that real healing feels terrible but is worth the effort. They certainly won't make the effort for us.

Helenwaspushed

DiamondLily,

I don't disagree with any of that. I also don't think my mom's story or perspective has to do with me or my choices anymore. I am representing myself rather than trying to be impartial. I accept that we have different perceptions of what happened because I'm not longer trying to change what she thinks.

What I experienced is the truth of what happened as far as I'm concerned. It's a choice that I made in the healing process to believe myself and my own recollection as fact. In the greater scheme of things it isn't that black and white, but I've chosen my own side.

Which everyone has to. My own mother was difficult (to say the least), and I chose how I wanted to deal with it.

I know what I remember, it I (personally) didn't see the point in rehashing a past that couldn't be changed. Wasted energy in my view.

We deal with the cards life has dealt us. 🙂

Why all the procrastinating when you’ve made a decision? It’s a puzzle.
DL I agree with you, What can’t be cured, let it be and carry on. Hope your grandson is ok he has such a lot on his shoulders for one so young because of that woman.

Allsorts

Why all the procrastinating when you’ve made a decision? It’s a puzzle.
DL I agree with you, What can’t be cured, let it be and carry on. Hope your grandson is ok he has such a lot on his shoulders for one so young because of that woman.

Well, he's struggling and becoming a pain at times. I can't blame him, but he's not helping.

Dear, oh dear, this year is one bout of stress after another.

Still, we have to press on.🙂

It's interesting to hear other people tell me or others that I should stop talking about these topics and move on. I'm not replying to anyone in particular but since this thread is revived I will put it here for the EAC my thread is written for.

When my parents had a child, they had a duty to that child to love unconditionally and protect them from harm. On top of that, it was my mom's job to teach me self-love and respect. Instead, she hated herself and so she taught me to hate myself. As a teenage girl I had an abusive boyfriend but my mom said and did nothing. The way he treated me is what she thinks is normal. Deep negative beliefs about myself were drilled into my mind for decades before I got away by establishing no contact. I would have gone my entire life allowing the abuse to continue either with her or with someone else.

I have moved on from my lack of a relationship with my mother, but my body and mind are still working on it. The treatment I received from my parents damaged me, stunted my brain development, and set me up to fail on life. Fighting back against that is difficult and takes years. I'm incredibly proud of what I've accomplished despite her failure as a mother. She and my father are responsible for my pain when I was a kid, and even now.

Like I said, not speaking to anyone. Just sharing my experience on the thread I started for myself and other EAC.

So I will be talking about this until I feel like I want to stop. I'm not the type to be chased off by strangers (for more than a short break) on an internet forum.

An awful dilemma for anyone to find themselves in, and he's so young DL.

I will always be here to offer what support I can to those going through estrangement

I feel very close to the person I would have been had I had a good mother after a lot of hard work but life is a learning journey

I love that this forum is full of validation that I made the right decision. I hope other EACs find some clarity just by observing the dynamics here.

For those seeking healing in this thread, I wanted to share some of my go-to coping skills that I use for distressing emotions and bad mental health days. Some of these I learned from therapy and others are things that I've tried on my own. As we all know, estrangement is upsetting for everyone involved. If you have any go to techniques for self-care and coping, feel free to share.

1. Write and keep a list of 5 very low effort things you can do when you're feeling very down. For example, you might switch what room you're in, wash your face, brush your teeth, take some deep breaths, etc. Have the list ready and accessible for when you're feeling stuck. This can be really helpful for temporary relief from depression symptoms.

2. When I feel a lot of pent up emotions that I can't express, I do something call free-writing. Essentially I get a notebook and start writing whatever comes to mind. It could be random words or other nonsense. Keep writing for 10 minutes. Usually after a minute or two I start to write about what's bothering me. It's very helpful for processing things.

3. If you're feeling disconnected from your body or the present, try dunking your face into a bowl of ice water for a few minutes (obviously taking breaks to breathe). This feels like a hard reset for my brain and you may get a similar benefit. If that seems too extreme, try having a sour hard candy and focusing in on the taste of it. That may have a similar effect.

4. If you're feeling anxiety, try box breathing. You breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold for four. Repeat this until you feel calmer. While you breath try to focus your attention on how your breath feels moving in and out of your lungs.

I saw this and thought it belonged here

No matter what sort of child we were, we were lovable

Thanks for sharing that VS! All children are lovable. All people, adults and children, deserve unconditional love from their parents. Such an important message.

My mom's opinion of me was so wrapped up in what I could do for her in that moment. Undoing that damage is a life long project, especially when the person who did it will not change. I had to learn as an adult how to communicate my needs, receive affection, regulate my emotions without shoving them down, etc.

I have no idea how I got so far in my life and education when I practically raised myself. I have one brother who looked out for me but he (rightfully) moved hundreds of miles away the day he turned 18. My other brother was a live-in bully and is now my replacement iny moms life. He's so much less patient than I was though, so I'm sure it's not going well.

Now she's feeling the downside of relying on me so much. To be fair, it has been all downside for me.

I'm working on accepting the reality of who my mom was to me and how that has affected me. Right now I am reading "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward. I wanted to share some quotes and my ramblings. Hopefully my ramblings can be insightful to someone lurking.

This book and my responses are not written for the parent, so please skip if you may find it offensive. I shouldn't have to make that disclaimer given the book title and this thread's content but there it is.

"Realizing that your mother couldn’t love you is one of the most painful discoveries you’ll ever make. You deserved to be cherished, but your mother was a disturbed, unhappy woman who took out her frustrations on you. And it wasn’t your fault."

My thoughts: This is a difficult truth for me. The idea that all mothers love their children is deeply ingrained. I notice myself undermining my own personal thoughts and feelings in defense of her. Even now.

"Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism. It’s vital to reinforce those rights with boundaries."

My thoughts: This is true of all personal relationships, but my mother programmed me to believe I didn't deserve to set boundaries.

"The great common denominator among women with unloving mothers is the longing for validation—to find someone who will say, “Yes, what you experienced really happened. Yes, your feelings are justified. I understand.'"

My thoughts: I would add that I had to accept that my mother will never be the one to give that validation to me. Everyone needs and wants that, but typically parents would be the ones to give it. Especially early in life.

One more quote from "Mother's Who Can't Love" for the internet black hole

"...many daughters may never have given themselves permission to even 'consider' changing the relationship with their mothers, because they didn't think they had the right to do it."

This is your sign to give yourself permission to examine the relationship and make a decision for your own well-being. As painful as initiating low contact or no contact can be, it's worth the peace.

It just occurred to me how much I think and care about how others feel about me. Even strangers on the internet who don't know my real first name. I don't even feel safe to think about some things privately. That's so messed up.

Some truths I'm telling today:

My mom was a coward.
My mom failed me.
None of the pain she went through justifies passing the pain to me.
I don't feel sorry for her.
I don't want her to be happy because she doesn't deserve it.
I'm angry because I have to do so much hard work and feel so much pain because she couldn't handle any of it herself.
Making 'selfish' decisions is okay and doesn't make me a bad person.
Understanding her and empathizing with her experiences does not require me to forgive her mistakes or have a relationship with her.
She was a terrible mother who failed me in every way.

HWP,

That’s so much pain you are carrying.

Have you tried therapy or ways of healing that work for you?

It’s good you are sharing your feelings anonymously in a place that understands.

I’ve found though that this site isn’t always the best or safest place to share your feelings or heal in a healthy way.

Unfortunately words you write can be misunderstood if they don’t know your whole story or accept people have different points of view and experience of life.

You were very supportive to me on another thread and I really did appreciate that.

What I’ve learnt is that you must love and heal yourself first before you can give to others in a positive way and from a loving place.

Maybe your Mum wasn’t capable, but you are! So do what makes you happy and if over time you heal you may find your feelings become easier to manage.

Be kind to yourself and go and do something that makes you smile on this Friday xx

Secret, thanks for the message. I hope you're doing well.

I'm in therapy (individual and group trauma therapy) and have been for many years. Before I started therapy there were layers of untreated issues (anorexia, depression, anxiety, and finally bipolar 2) before I got into the trauma part. I'm grateful to be in the place that I am now mentally. In 2020 I had to take leave from work and was in bed for almost a solid month before I could get myself together at all.

When I say I care about what internet strangers think, I was trying to say that I'm trying to learn to take up space. I know my experiences aren't super welcome here and I know that some people may find my word choice hurtful even though I'm only speaking for myself. For me, taking back my voice in this small anonymous way feels freeing. I am just angry that speaking my mind is so difficult for me mentally.

I do flip flop between whether sharing here feels helpful or hurtful. I'm just trying not to judge the ways I cope right now while some more alarming memories are surfacing.

I have a loving and supportive husband who is dealing with similar struggles and it's nice to have a place to share that doesn't place any emotional burden on him right now. Even if I'm mostly talking to myself. 😂

Good for you moving forward with your own struggles.

Every day we are learning and growing.

Being mindful of others is so important. I was disappointed in myself for getting so annoyed with other posters comments, but realise now that is their way of venting their feelings and not for me to worry about.

We are all on our own journey in life. All wanting peace and happiness.

Enjoy xx

Hello Helen.

Wow. What a brave lady you are. Sending you 💐❤️. Keep going, healing can be a long haul but it's worth the slog. It's good that you have a supportive husband. A loving nurturing spouse or partner are worth their weight in gold.

I wont go into details here but I had a less than idyllic childhood. In my case it was my father who was shall we just say "difficult". My first husband was a good man but not the right man but he did help me overcome some of my self esteem issues. But it was my second husband who really nurtured me and it was his unconditional love and unwavering support which finally enabled me to blossom.

There is always light at the end of the darkest tunnel, you might not always see it but it's there.

A favourite quote of mine is from Michael Caine. He said "never look back in anger, always look forward in hope and never dream small". A great life mantra.

Keep faith and keep dreaming. ❤️

We all deal with childhood traumas in different ways I guess.
However, picking at a scab will always make it bleed, hurting all over again and that was never appealing to me.

Urmstongran

We all deal with childhood traumas in different ways I guess.
However, picking at a scab will always make it bleed, hurting all over again and that was never appealing to me.

Nor me, but I guess it's about whatever floats your boat.🤔

I'm more for the here and now, which has always worked best for me. But, we are all different.🙂

And also about the type of personality one has DiamondLily. That makes a huge difference I think.

Urmstongran

And also about the type of personality one has DiamondLily. That makes a huge difference I think.

Well, I've always took the view that the best "revenge" is to be happy.

And, I have been, until recently.

But that's nothing to do with my childhood. 🙂

I think so too DL. It hurts no one and makes life so much better for you and those you spend your time with.

In my early 20s I had a serious bout of depression. I read everything I could find to try to work out why, and what to do. But I got no better. One day someone gently suggested I might feel better if I read something that made me laugh instead. They were absolutely right. It's fine to educate yourself but its important to recognise you can't change the past and start concentrating on more pleasurable things instead

I think there is sometimes little understanding about the effect of abuse on a growing child's brain.

An abused child will be missing neural pathways that would grow in a healthy environment.

As an adult, some new pathways can be grown and also those who were abused as children can teach their brains to divert around missing pathways.

If no one has ever met a child with something like say, severe attachment disorder, from being emotionally neglected as a baby, they probably wouldn't understand just how much harm there is a potential for in growing brains.

So I have so much respect for those adults who are working towards healing that harm away and working towards being the healthy happy adult they would have been with a good childhood... because some of those children will never do that work and will continue to repeat those cycles