Guilt for going no contact

Shelflife

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

Excellent post - I was going to reply the same.

I have one friend who estranged her father, refused to go to his death bed when he asked for her, and says she has no regrets.

I know many otherx who would do anything to be able to go back and try to mend things, and so regret it as it is too late.

would your family consider having family therapy? That way you could say how you feel in a safe environment and ensure that you were being heard by everyone. Then you can find closure if you choose not to move forward with them.. Guilt is an emotion you can do without, regret is one you can change

You do not have to have a relationship with someone to forgive them

No one would advise the OP to stay in an abusive relationship with a partner... family relationships are not exempt

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I became estranged from my parents 3 years ago . There were lots of factors involved, not least them not accepting my husband (we have been married 23 years and together 30)... one day everything came to a head and they both said some very hurtful things. My mother has sent the odd message and out of politeness I have replied but don't think we will ever get back to where we were. My 2 sons were given the option of keeping in touch with them but chose not to as they could see how upset I have been. They were 14 and 23 so well able to make their own decisions. Don't feel guilty, it is your life and if it is better without them in it, then that's fine. I don't know, nor does anyone else really know, how I will feel when they pass away. They are both in their 80s now so not sure how much longer they will be around but until they apologise, I'm afraid I'm not budging.

After several years of therapy one of my patients went 'No contact' with her neglectful, abusive mother. Occasionally she has flashes of guilt, but overall it's one of the best things she's ever done. A real statement of self-value and freedom from the past. Each case is individual, listen to your needs and I would say just because someone is old does not make them 'ok'

I can relate this this. Had no contact for few years. Then it was my mums 90th, some friends persuaded me that I would regret if i didn't visit,so I did go, dudnt have a very good time, she made me feel rubbish. Not been since, won't visit again. Yes do feel guilty but big relief that I don't have to listen to the crap she throws at me.

Speaking as a parent who has been estranged, I can only say what it's like for me. It's pain like I've never known, it gets worse every day. I have lots of lovely friends, other family I'm close to, my husband and his family, a job, but the overwhelming feelings of loss and loneliness will stay with me until I die. My children were my world and all I ever wanted. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Do I have regrets? Yes. Do I deserve this treatment? Absolutely not. My son recently had a baby. I have no idea how much she weighed or what she looks like and it's torturing me. I cry when I see babies when am at work or out and about. Yes I've had therapy and am on medication. I have addressed my faults and the reasons for them. But they won't take away the overwhelming pain and sadness I constantly feel. So please, if you can find a way forward with your parents, please do. I don't know your circumstances but please, talk, thrash it out together if needs be x

Your feelings of guilt are normal and a sign that you are healing from the verbal/emotional abuse you experienced over many years. I am in my 60’s and have just gone no contact with my mother. (Yes, it took me that long to realise she would never change). For me it is the psychologically healthy option. It does get easier with time. I’d like me you have reached the point where you know they will not treat you with kindness or respect, no matter what you do or say, and you are unwilling to put up with it indefinitely, you are absolutely doing the right thing. You can’t sustain a good relationship if it’s all one-sided and they won’t or can’t make any effort. Be kind to yourself and feel proud that you are prioritising your own well-being 💐💐

Hi yes I can has i was in same situation and some things you just can’t forgive and sometimes you just have to walk away for yourself. It’s been 20yrs for me I wasn’t in the wrong but I’ve been treated like I was. I did try to go back and see if things could change but when I reached one of my brothers told me I was dead to family so I’ve never tried again but I’m passed that now and I don’t give them a second thought. I live my life with my sons there wife’s grandkids etc who also have no contact with ex family

Do you or your siblings have children yourselves?
Your parents' behaviour is not something they should be witnessing as an example of how families treat each other.

Your siblings accepting this behaviour are enabling it to continue.
How do you think your parents would react if you all refused to have anything to do with them because of the way they behave?

Sometimes we have to make a stand and do the right thing for us.
Other people can either modify their behaviour or carry on without us.

It's everyone's individual choice as to whether to estrange. Obviously, it's better if discussion and compromise can avoid it, but it's not always possible.

But, when someone dies, guilt may well kick in. After bereavement anyway, there can be those feelings. But, they are obviously amplified if there has been estrangement.

It's a case of making your decision, and then living with it.💐

Feelings of guilt do no good at all, so try to get rid of them.

You have made a hard decision, knowing it was the right, or the only thing you could do.

Stick to it.

If you felt your decision not to have any further contact with your parents was wrong, then obviously you would try to sort out your differences with them.

You don't feel this, so ask your siblings to respect that you have made the decision you have for what you see as good and sufficient reasons.

I take it you are not trying to persuade them not to see your parents, so they should similarly accept and respect your decision in this matter.

Do you have to go completely non-contact or could you have some contact at arms length? No judgement here just asking. You obviously have some misgivings, I’m not calling it doubts, or you wouldn’t post on here. My brother and sil estranged themselves from me and I agonised for some long time until I decided I no longer had a brother. I suspect you are in that agonising period. Horrible isn’t it.

You were not driven to NC for no reason. Sounds like you were and are the scapegoat in the family. Been there. If I am right the guilt you feel is all part of being the scapegoat, which.means everything is your fault and you are always wrong. It's not and you aren't. Keep away from them.

It's a case of making your decision, and then living with it exactly DL.

You can only do what feels right for you Loveandpositivity. There's nothing to be gained by making comparisons with other peoples experiences including those of your siblings, who for whatever reasons maybe wouldn't consider estranging.

If these waves of guilt persist, it might be worth having counselling to help you manage this. As Hithere posted "give it time" .

This sounds like self protection, look out for yourself. You will have considerable experience of them and their way. Just because someone is old doesn’t change them. I hear you, I’m decades down the line. You are holding a mirror to your family, it’s easier to do nothing. You are being brave in your approach, stay strong. You will grieve the family you should have had . These people don’t deserve you.

Love and positivity - you don’t disclose your reasons for your chosen estrangement but you do disclose that two siblings are trying to put an opposing viewpoint so there must be room for doubt. You need to discuss the matter in an honest way with a counsellor who won’t come with the prejudice you or your siblings bring. I have no idea what your parents have done to upset you but some counselling will help you to clarify your thoughts. It does look as though your decision puts your two siblings in an awkward position and that’s another decision you have to consider.

Bereavement does bring guilt anyway, even with lovely relationships - I think it's part of the grieving process.

I feel guilty about DH, although I have no reason to be, but your mind does funny things after a death. You mull over everything.

It's not easy to brush aside.

GoldenAge

Love and positivity - you don’t disclose your reasons for your chosen estrangement but you do disclose that two siblings are trying to put an opposing viewpoint so there must be room for doubt. You need to discuss the matter in an honest way with a counsellor who won’t come with the prejudice you or your siblings bring. I have no idea what your parents have done to upset you but some counselling will help you to clarify your thoughts. It does look as though your decision puts your two siblings in an awkward position and that’s another decision you have to consider.

I don't think that two siblings giving an opposing viewpoint gives room for doubt at all. It is well known that some children are victims of abuse where other siblings aren't. Her siblings are adults and are capable of treading a diplomatic path if they choose to. If they've chosen not to, that is on them.

My sister and I see things totally differently about our relationship with my Mum. I try to rationalise things about my mother's damaged childhood which has moulded her and I can find a certain amount of empathy. My sister can't. One thing that doesn't change though is that my mother was abusive. The difference is that I was more able to handle it (possibly through the age difference) and because I am more of an acceptor of a situation, her inability to keep quiet so she fought meant she experienced worse than I did.

Loveandpositivity1, you obviously have your reasons for going NC and it is not something you have written in stone so all the guilt about what happens if your parents die may never happen. It is probably also said by people who have never had the sort of treatment which makes you decide to go NC.

If you ask anybody not to be hurtful and they say you are being too sensitive, then they are gaslighting you and are unlikely to change if you have asked several time. You wouldn't put up with that from other adults, you absolutely haven't got to put up with it because you got unlucky with your parents. I went NC with my sister for a number of years and only gave in because it made it difficult with my Mum who I was caring for. Has she changed? Not a bit of it and now I have the added thing to beat me with, the fact that I abandoned her. I am trying not to happen again but the fact is that when faced with her toxic behaviour, it just makes me unhappy so I question myself for weeks afterwards. The last time I felt so guilty when I went NC and I also wept buckets for the loss (she has a nice side too) but if the balance gets too weighted with toxicity, I won't hesitate to step quietly backwards and avoid contact. Life is just too short to have it persistently messed up by somebody who can't help their behaviour.

My goodness, it's rife this situation. I am estranged from my family, both older and younger generations. Not my decision, I have been deliberately ostracized by my vindictive brother, who has told everyone made-up things about me, but nobody is man enough to tell me what. All have sided with him. I will just say that when Dad died last year I discovered brother had got Dad to write a homemade will and coincides with the start of his abuse campaign against me, presumably so I didn't find out about the will. The abuse was wider as he stopped Dad having any
contact with me, not letting him talk to me on the phone and taking Dad out when I had arranged, by letter, the 5 hour journey to see Dad, on several occasions.
The will was to give brother the lion's share and to include 6 other people, as well as to remove me as joint executor, leaving me unable to carry out my parents final wishes. He then tried to tell me in a letter that all other beneficiaries had agreed he could have the house, at which point the other 6 didn't know they were beneficiaries and definitely hadn't signed over their dubious right to inheritance. . Needless to say, solicitor involved at significant cost. Looking like brother will get just the same as rest of beneficiaries and as a consequence, will be unable to purchase a house with the small amount he will get, leaving him in rental for rest of his sad life. Karma.

Shelflife

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

"Repairing the damage", what nonsense. Would you be of the same opinion if the OP had been sexually abused by, say, her father.
If she wants to distance herself, good for her. All this 'be kind' rubbish people spout.
Be kind to yourself first and foremost.

Sometimes happiness and healing requires saying goodbye to people

Op

Let me ask you a question you do not have to answer here

When tbere is a significant event in your life), good or bad, how do you feel about not having your family of origin involved?

Relieved? Sad? Guilty?