Guilt for going no contact

To the OP:

To be frank, I am not sure why anyone would come on GN for support as an EAC. You would do better to find a place that welcomes EAC and will actually support your needs as an EAC. I urge you to, if you have not already, find a forum online designed for EAC where you will receive more support and less "you will miss them when you die" despite them being abusers. I will NOT miss the woman who abused me for 50+ years and caused me to be diagnosed with C-PTSD when she dies and no matter how I describe her abuse, someone always has to come along and say "you will miss them when they die" or "but they are your parents". Yet when an EP who rightly says they no longer want contact with their EAC are applauded. It is such a double standard on GN.

As for the guilt, I get it. I am working with my therapist today about my guilt. It is hard to let go of when you are conditioned to feel it from birth, as I was.

Who would benefit from the contact? Doesn’t sound like the op . The situation is toxic which ever side u are on . U may find they really want to reconnect then the behaviour is still the same. It’s making the rest of the family face things that they are avoiding.

The OP has received support here on GN icanhandthemback.

Apologies icanhandthemback, that should have said imaround.

There are quite a lot of support groups on Facebook or forums like Reddit

They take no prisoners, if you are in the wrong you will be told but every single one of them will advise you never to tolerate abuse and be full of knowledge on healing.

There is also a huge wealth of information online.

It's a sad fact of life that there are parents who abuse their children and when it comes to emotional abuse, walking away is the only way to stop it. Abusive parents rarely seek help for themselves.. it is a path they chose and they will spend the rest of their lives convincing themselves their behaviour was justified and you were in some way lacking. That it was all just a joke, you are too sensitive or it didn't even happen at all.

You are worth so much more

Counselling did absolute wonders for me and there are also courses for domestic abuse that teach you how to recognise and recover from abusive behaviour

No problem Smileless.

imaround

To the OP:

To be frank, I am not sure why anyone would come on GN for support as an EAC. You would do better to find a place that welcomes EAC and will actually support your needs as an EAC. I urge you to, if you have not already, find a forum online designed for EAC where you will receive more support and less "you will miss them when you die" despite them being abusers. I will NOT miss the woman who abused me for 50+ years and caused me to be diagnosed with C-PTSD when she dies and no matter how I describe her abuse, someone always has to come along and say "you will miss them when they die" or "but they are your parents". Yet when an EP who rightly says they no longer want contact with their EAC are applauded. It is such a double standard on GN.

As for the guilt, I get it. I am working with my therapist today about my guilt. It is hard to let go of when you are conditioned to feel it from birth, as I was.

There has been support for this OP from the first answer onwards in a significant number of posts!

And there are comments that are not supportive too

Sometimes when you are hurting, the comments that aren't supportive are the ones that stand out the most... it takes time to become strong enough to withstand that... especially when guilt is already a factor

EAC spaces are safe from that

Things which have been said can never be unsaid.
Feelings of shame and humiliation never completely leave you.
The constant look of disgust/disappointment can never be forgotten.
But you can come a long way if you choose to walk away from the person who made you feel odd, and unloved.
I will never feel any guilt, but that’s just me.
It’s a big decision.

Anyone who hasn’t lost their parents to death or to dementia cannot imagine the pain of being unable to say things once it’s too late.

In the case of abusive parents GSM

It's usually all already been said and it wasn't heard... No magic happens to stop people being abusive when they become grandparents or elderly

Once they have gone, physically or mentally, there is no going back. I hope you never experience regret. It’s one thing to believe you won’t whilst people are still alive and well, something entirely different to experience it when there is no longer anything you can do about it. Have you experienced that VS? You are younger than most of us and may think you have forever. You can deal with it another time. Life isn’t like that. A lifetime of regret isn’t something to aspire to.

GSM, that's not my experience - we're all different. I had nothing more to say to mine for decades.

OK, I kept in contact (just slightly), I did miss and grieve for my dad when he died. I felt that I'd lost him years before though.

I kept an eye on (my abusive) Mum's welfare (as I'd promised to) and cooperated with difficult siblings (stuck in their ways). I did the organising/admin - all the hands-off stuff possible - and resented it too. I even visited, I was kind - but all done out of duty.

Did I miss her when she died? Did I want to say anything? No, I felt a wonderful sense of freedom and relief that it was all over. I felt sad for siblings, I looked sad for them, too (acting a part, as ever). Inside, I felt pure joy.

Germanshepherdsmum

Once they have gone, physically or mentally, there is no going back. I hope you never experience regret. It’s one thing to believe you won’t whilst people are still alive and well, something entirely different to experience it when there is no longer anything you can do about it. Have you experienced that VS? You are younger than most of us and may think you have forever. You can deal with it another time. Life isn’t like that. A lifetime of regret isn’t something to aspire to.

I am actually 48

I have seen a therapist and a counsellor who both agreed estrangement was the best option

I am off antidepressants for the first time in my life

I no longer have chronic IBS

My children were all very relieved

Since estranging I went back and finally finished my education and got my dream job

I finally learnt to like myself

And I still haven't ruled out offering some (distant) help should it be needed by my mother one day

You tell me GSM

VioletSky

And there are comments that are not supportive too

Sometimes when you are hurting, the comments that aren't supportive are the ones that stand out the most... it takes time to become strong enough to withstand that... especially when guilt is already a factor

EAC spaces are safe from that

Yes VS I understand that. However my comment was simply to point out that there are supportive comments, not all negative.

It also feels worth noting that there is support from Parents (some of whom have been / are estranged) for the OP, not just from EAC. On various similar threads by people (both EAC or EParents) sometimes posters have found support from the "opposite" group to themselves helpful.

Anyway I hope the OP finds the various viewpoints, suggestions etc helpful in their journey!

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

For me, when someone comes to this space and says they feel it's not a supportive one... I have 2 options

1. I can invalidate that and say, "this place is fine, you have had lots of support"

2. I can say "I am sorry that has been your experience, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone. I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way."

Anyway, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone, I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way

Germanshepherdsmum

Anyone who hasn’t lost their parents to death or to dementia cannot imagine the pain of being unable to say things once it’s too late.

In cases of Estrangement feelings can be very very different.

Often so much has been said and never heard, the whole bereavement of Estrangement, acceptance that a relationship will not be what one thought it should be/wanted/ deserved will have been gone through or will be in process. Reactions in these circumstances for an Estrangement or an estranged are likely to be very different.

All circumstances are difficult and hard and sad though and I am not in anyway intending to diminish the sense of regret for those who have lost someone and not said what they wanted to say

Germanshepherdsmum

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

I have already grieved the relationship I should have had

If I feel regret I will find a supportive space to talk it through or I will go back into counselling

My mother caused the wound but it is my responsibility to heal it

VioletSky

In the case of abusive parents GSM

It's usually all already been said and it wasn't heard... No magic happens to stop people being abusive when they become grandparents or elderly

I have lost my dad, so you know now what you are talking about.

Thanks, but your opinion wont change mine. Please respect that.

*know not

For all, my post is based on my 5 years of experience in these boards. Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience.

I am not the first EAC to mention this feeling here. So instead of telling me (and any EAC) what we will/should feel, how about we look at why so many EAC through the years have felt unsupported.

I have personally witnessed EAC being told that the support thread is not for them by 2 prolific posters on the thread itself.

Luckily, I no longer come here for support. Not sure I ever did to be honest, but I had hoped to have conversations with people who have experienced estrangement from both sides. I have learned that will never happen here.

Sorry, that quote was meant for GSM, not VS.

VioletSky

For me, when someone comes to this space and says they feel it's not a supportive one... I have 2 options

1. I can invalidate that and say, "this place is fine, you have had lots of support"

2. I can say "I am sorry that has been your experience, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone. I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way."

Anyway, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone, I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way

I understand your point. I don't think that saying there are positive posts is invalidating. I didn't say "this place is fine, you have lots of support" and I don't believe I invalidated the comment by saying "there have been supportive posts ....." However I know that some will disagree with me on that. I can only say its not my intention but I do feel it is important for the supportive aspects of replies to be highlighted as I feel they may provide a comforting support for someone dealing with what the OP describes!

I do hope the OP can take help from the replies that they feel are relevant.

imaround

Sorry, that quote was meant for GSM, not VS.

Don't worry, I realised straight away

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial