Guilt for going no contact

Oh!

Thanks Madgran

I meant that there aren't many EAC here yes, not that I wish more existed

EAC don't last long here sadly, and leave... but hopefully for them to a better forum with more support

VS It doesn't show the highlight in quote, so the top sentence. I wasn't sure where that is from and feel like it lacks context

Oh sorry just realised the imaround highlight as the poster I was quoting somehow got deleted before I posted. Anyway it was from one of imarounds interesting posts.

imaround

I agree 100% Madgran.

👍🙂

It needed the context really

Being related to someone, shouldn't bind us to a life of reluctant duty absolutely Sara. There's a lot we can learn from one another and the most important thing is learning that we don't have to feel guilty because I think whatever our experiences, guilt is felt by so many at some stage.

It's often difficult for other family members because when there's estrangement everyone in the family is affected, especially for the siblings of the one whose estranging, which seems to be the case for the OP.

VioletSky

It needed the context really

Ok! 🤔

I think it is extremely difficult for those who haven't been in the position where you have been pushed into NC for the sake of your sanity to understand why there may be no guilt when that person dies. That is not to say that you don't mourn the relationship you will never get the chance to have with them.

I will never, ever have contact with my father because of his crimes against children. No, I won't ever feel guilt as I have done my grief bit when I discovered he wasn't the person I thought he was. Should anybody ever suggest I might feel guilt or I should try to keep contact they would get very short shrift but in real life I am unable to explain my reasons fully because he is protected by a court order.
Whilst I think it is fair to ask, how do you think you would feel if that person died? To say you will feel guilt implies that you are somehow in the wrong for your actions. That is where the invalidation comes into play. The abused cannot put things right, they can only try to heal themselves. Only the abuser is in a position to attempt to put things right or stop the abuse.

Germanshepherdsmum

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

So you don’t have any idea what it’s like to have had abusive parents.

Your reality is not the same as those who have survived it. I’m not being unkind or sarcastic, if anything, I envy you. But please don’t apply your world view to abuse survivors, because they’re not even remotely similar.

It’s no different than a happily married wife who’s husband adores her telling a battered wife that she should reconcile with her abuser because all marriages have their upsets and disagreements, she’ll regret not going back.

If you wouldn’t tell a battered woman to reconcile with her abuser, you shouldn’t tell a victim of child abuser to reconcile with theirs, either

We were estranged from my in laws for many years at the end of that relationship. This was in a day when estrangement wasn’t talked about as much. We found when the guilt creeped in, or was shoved on by others - it was helpful to ask “do I feel
Guilty for cutting out the person xx really is ? Or do I feel guilty because I miss the person I wish xx was ?” Because the difference is everything.

How can grandparents who been estranged, who were not abusive, give advice to people that were abused as children, we have no experience of it. It seems that all granparents, parents are lumped together by some abused children as if they must have been abusers to have been estranged in the first place , do you know just how hurtful that is? You would hardly get an abuser on this site for a start off.
That's why I can give no advice to those people, they have no experience of an ordinary but loving family, than I have of an abusuve one.
It seems you all need a space to talk to people in the same circumstances as they fully understand. A counsellor will listen to you explore your feeling but you and only you can se the decision.

MercuryQueen, thanks, your comment explains that vast difference between 'normal' parents and abusers. That betrayed child is very like a battered wife.

We can easily believe that all families are like our own, our life is like others. I was aged 11, on holiday with a schoolfriend's family, when it struck me (like a lightning bolt). This family were happy, they genuinely liked each other, they weren't pretending, the kids weren't scared of the parents - wow!

Hetty
I know exactly what you mean.
My own realisation was more gradual, I used to hang around other people’s homes, I was fascinated by the dynamics. Parents joking with each other, children shown affection, it was all very fascinating.
We lived on a council estate, and there were common families we weren’t meant to mix with.
But those families were amongst the kindest and happiest families I have ever known, one of the mums once doing something for me, which my own mother would never have considered.

Allsorts

How can grandparents who been estranged, who were not abusive, give advice to people that were abused as children, we have no experience of it. It seems that all granparents, parents are lumped together by some abused children as if they must have been abusers to have been estranged in the first place , do you know just how hurtful that is? You would hardly get an abuser on this site for a start off.
That's why I can give no advice to those people, they have no experience of an ordinary but loving family, than I have of an abusuve one.
It seems you all need a space to talk to people in the same circumstances as they fully understand. A counsellor will listen to you explore your feeling but you and only you can se the decision.

You’d be amazed. Abusers have a unique ability to convince themselves that their behaviours was justified, that it was a ‘different time’ that their kids are just ‘too sensitive’ and deny that they EVER did a thing wrong. I witnessed that in criminal court, a wife defending her husband who’d beaten her child.

Are all estranged parents abusers? Nope, I don’t believe so. But in this thread, the OP has been clear that her parents were

It is very unlikely that an estranged parent and an estranged child from the same family would end up on this forum together Allsorts.

Estranged children here talking about their experiences doesn't need to have any impact at al on estranged parents here

Maybe sometimes the discussion resonates in some way with you but that is not the fault of the person posting and another thing they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for

There are so many varying reasons why families break down.
We should have empathy for estranged parents, because we can all imagine how we would feel if our own children estranged us.
It’s not black and white, we have one daughter who although we have a close relationship with, can be very difficult, and on one occasion I felt we were close to at least a temporary break.
Things were very strained for a while, but my husband just wasn’t having it, and spent hours trying to get to the bottom of it, turned out to be good old sibling rivalry!
But, we considered we had done everything right, it was just that one child was at a point in her life when she needed more support, it could easily have slipped into estrangement.

Whose trying to make anyone feel guilty? I am not you, that's your misinterpretation of what I said. You continue to post as you will. you are a victim of abuse. Other victims will identify with that.

Often there is a burden of guilt when a close relative dies no matter what your relationship. That diminishes if you devoted everything to that person as I did with my ds or if you are totally estranged from that person because of their behaviour. Do you think you would have a burden of guilt Loveandpositivity? You already have some now because of your siblings but it’s your conscience not theirs. They may well have been treated differently. There is middle child syndrome which you could have suffered from. Do what you think is right.

Can we give advice Allsorts I think sometimes we can and we can give support, understanding and encouragement. I haven't seen anything here posted with the intention of making the OP or anyone else feel guilty.

My advice to the OP was to give it time and if the 'waves of guilt' continue to consider counselling.

I'm sure there will always be regret, regret that the childhood and adulthood up to the time of estrangement wasn't how it should have been and estrangement was the only option.

Regret that things couldn't have been better is shared by everyone whose life is affected by estrangement.

When we become adults we sometimes see our parent(s) for who they are, what they do - not the shining examples of parenthood on a hill* that we had hoped for.

After all, they’re just people like everyone else we may like or dislike. We are not like them just because they’re our parent(s).

I myself during my 30’s had an episode with my mother where she exhibited a strain of abusive jealousy that was very bad. I stopped talking to her. She felt it, knew it. I held my position for self-preservation. After about six months I reestablished a more reserved relationship with her. She dared not cross that line again.

Years later when she was in the process of dying, I went to be with her every wknd after work (a five hr drive one way), but on the last day I was with her I was able to say “I love you” as we held hands and looked into each others eyes… that was important to me for the rest of my life.

I’ve had peace.
USA Gundy

Gundy
That’s good that you got that opportunity, but despite everything, you loved your mother.
If you don’t, there is no point.

Sara1954

There are so many varying reasons why families break down.
We should have empathy for estranged parents, because we can all imagine how we would feel if our own children estranged us.
It’s not black and white, we have one daughter who although we have a close relationship with, can be very difficult, and on one occasion I felt we were close to at least a temporary break.
Things were very strained for a while, but my husband just wasn’t having it, and spent hours trying to get to the bottom of it, turned out to be good old sibling rivalry!
But, we considered we had done everything right, it was just that one child was at a point in her life when she needed more support, it could easily have slipped into estrangement.

A wise, balanced and thought provoking post Sara. Thankyou

I have said for a long time, if my mother ever sought help to change her abusive behaviour, I would be there to support her...

But I no longer hope for it

I’m afraid both sides have to want reconciliation, after a long period of estrangement a lot of those estranged just wouldn’t risk it.

Well yes that is something to consider Allsorts. Some do of course after several years but it wouldn't be an option for us, not now.

I don't think, after a period of years, even if the behaviour stopped (whoever was abusive) it would ever be a solid relationship again.

I think once you stop loving someone, that just doesn't come back. That's not the same as caring and hoping they live the best life they can but it just isn't the same.

Especially women I feel. We are more inclined to work hard at relationships and often take much more harm than we should (non abusive women anyway) but eventually, push us too far and it is like flicking a switch. It is just gone