Guilt for going no contact

Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

I am actually 48. I have seen a therapist and a counsellor who both agreed estrangement was the best option. I am off antidepressants for the first time in my life. My children are very relieved. I no longer have chronic IBS. Since estranging I went back and finally finished my education and got my dream job. I finally learnt to like myself. And I still haven't ruled out offering some (distant) help should it be needed by my mother one day

Listed like that is positive to see VS

VioletSky

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial

Indeed. I think that understanding comments highlighting different things to consider can only be useful too, whatever the source. Even the suggestion on here of looking elsewhere is helpful for them to consider. Both spaces can possibly provide at least some of what OP needs, only they can decide in the end.

Madgran77

*Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience*

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

Would you mind showing me where the highlighted text is? I can't find it

Well if anything's going to put Loveandpositivity off it will be the unnecessary arguing that's going on.

Suggesting that she thinks about how she may feel when her parents are no longer here isn't invalidating and something she may have already considered.

None of us know how we'll feel if something happens, until it does. All we can do for ourselves, and suggest that others do is to think carefully and not to rush into making a decision we may regret.

I am not saying that is what the OP has done and want to make that abundantly clear before I'm accused of doing so.

I think that understanding comments highlighting different things to consider can only be useful too, whatever the source exactly Madgran.

It doesn't matter whether advice given and/or opinions expressed are from EAC, EP's or from those with no experience of estrangement, as long as it's given respectfully which as far as I can see has been the case on this thread.

So, if we want her to feel she can come back a good place to start would be to stop pitting EAC and EP's against one another.
It is this above all else that results in unnecessary unpleasantness and cannot possibly be beneficial to anyone.

Yes that was a very argumentative comment Smileless

No VS it was an observation of what's happening on this thread and happens on others.

I apologize Madgran, if you thought my response was towards you. I was responding to another poster. You have been very supportive on this thread and even when you and I don't agree I find you to be someone I enjoy conversing with.

That is an interesting viewpoint Smileless. At one point you say there is unnecessary arguing going on and then say the thread has been respectful.

I agree that the thread HAS been respectful, so I am not sure where you got the unnecessary arguing view point from. I have not seen anyone arguing here. In fact, this is one of the best conversations that I have seen.

No one but (in my case) me gets to say that a comment is invalidating. I find that hearing that I will miss the people that literally gave me C-PTSD (including night terrors, central nervous system disfunction in the form of tremors and anxiety and treatment resistant depression, similar to a war veteran) very invalidating. It is not to much to expect that, when talking about my abuse, I can go without hearing from someone who has never been estranged on either side telling me what to do or how to deal with it.

I think you will agree with me that hearing those things over and over again, not matter if you had to estrange or have been estranged unfairly, can really leave a mark. I know this because you have said it countless times here. It IS hard and unless a person has experienced it, they really have no idea.

I understand imaround but on an open forum you're going to get responses from others who have no experience of estranging a parent, as well as from EP's in addition to those from EAC.

Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they're hurtful and yes, the hurtful ones leave their mark .

I agree, so many times people have questioned my actions, generally people who don’t know me very well, I think my nearest and dearest understand.
But I don’t let it bother me, I’m just happy to be out of it.
My grandparents would have been disgusted with me, family is family, and all that.
My dad would have been sad, but I doubt he’d have been surprised.
Being related to someone, shouldn’t bind us to a life of reluctant duty.

I am concerned that Loveandpositivity has asked the question on GN. The fact she did ask, show hesitation, and the potential for real regrets.

My mother said that I would regret it when she was dead too

But it's just a guilt trip... not healthy

What would be healthy was listening to my pain and being accountable

She will probably outlive me anyway lol

I am so sorry to hear this VS. But my point above is that you would have never opened a thread on GN to discuss guilt, as you seem 100% sure that was the right thing to do.

Noooo

I definitely would have opened a thread like this

Have you heard of FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt?

I'll find a good link

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Surely you didn’t mean that “sadly” VS? Good grief it’s a sad enough world without being sad there aren’t more adult child estrangements. I’d hope for the opposite.

Smileless2012

I understand imaround but on an open forum you're going to get responses from others who have no experience of estranging a parent, as well as from EP's in addition to those from EAC.

Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they're hurtful and yes, the hurtful ones leave their mark .

Yes I know this. This is why I encourage, and try to participate in, respectful thread such as this one. Because when I am able to put forth how I am affected by estrangement and how these quite innocent comments can come across, then maybe someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy.

If it were me reading, I would maybe think "wow, i have never had this experience. Would this person actually miss them when they are gone? Or is that me projecting my experience on them? How would I feel if I were in their shoes? Would I want to hear that comment?" And then maybe I wouldn't say that any more, even if I did think it.

Threads like these are a learning experience for all parties of estrangement and those who are not estranged alike and if even 1 person is helped, that matters!

So thank you for engaging in a respectful well needed conversation with me!

"Because when I am able to put forth how I am affected by estrangement and how these quite innocent comments can come across, then maybe someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy"

I should have said we. When we can all talk about how estrangement affects us and how these innocent comments come across to all of us, then someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy".

We all need a bit more empathy.

VS Would you mind showing me where the highlighted text is? I can't find it

Do you mean the anyone VS?

I highlighted that myself to opefully ensure that imaround understood that I did not specifically think her comment was directed at me per se. I was then thinking about the points she made, and linking them in my mind to my comments to try and understand better some perspectives that are different to mine.

Nanatoone

Surely you didn’t mean that “sadly” VS? Good grief it’s a sad enough world without being sad there aren’t more adult child estrangements. I’d hope for the opposite.

Not sure where you mean?

But of course I would never want that

I apologize Madgran, if you thought my response was towards you. I was responding to another poster. You have been very supportive on this thread and even when you and I don't agree I find you to be someone I enjoy conversing with

Thankyou imaround. I actually knew it wasnt directed at me specifically but my attempt to highlight that clearly came over wrong! It is interesting to think about others perspectives on comments in relation to one's own comments, to gain understanding even if no agreement. 🙂

Madgran77

*Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience*

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

It doesn't show the highlight in quote, so the top sentence

I wasn't sure where that is from and feel like it lacks context

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial

VS I'm not sure but I think Nanatoone is referring to your comment to me above maybe? I think you just meant not many EAC on this thread rather than that you wanted there to be more EAC generally

I agree 100% Madgran.

I think it was in my comment vs. The sentence you are looking for.