Advise needed please re estrangement from my brother.

Understandably where there's estrangement as we get older, it can play on our minds as we may worry about not getting the situation resolved before it's too late.

Asking for advice can give a different perspective and enable us to consider a point of view not thought about before, but it doesn't have to be taken M0nica and it's not wrong if someone chooses not too.

I hope that your gesture of enclosing the Beatles CD with their Christmas card yields results Yogin, and the lines of communication are opened again.

There is a prayer that goes;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Perhaps meditationg on it would be helpful.

Smileless2012 I agree we can offer advice but there is a choice as to whether it is taken, but so often it seems that the OP isn't actually intending to take any notice of any advice other than that that agrees with the decision they have already made, and any advice that doesn't support their existing decision will be batted into the long grass, which is a bit of a waste of time, for people who respond sympathetically to the OP's dilemma and offer what they hope will be helpful advice.

Thank you Smiles.

Well Monica as you continue to repeat yourself, I will respond the same:

Monica I am listening to all the advice here as that's what I asked for and I have taken it all on board. It's good to hear others' opinions even if it's not what you want to hear, it makes you stop and think of things differently. Yes, the problem is with me. Why have you reposted your post as from Smiles??

So, I will try courage.

Hi Yogi ,
Estrangement , anger , long term resentment , jealousy , misunderstanding , secrets , lies and lack of communication has almost completely destroyed my family .

You are not alone .

So I know exactly how you feel .

It's normal to agonise over what happened.
And normal to want to try and address it :
Do as I do - send a well thought out Christmas gift with your usual card .
The Beatles idea is a great one .
Wishing you luck .

Allsorts

I think you need to examine why you want to make up? How the breakup happened. To simply write to your brother saying draw a line under it, the letter will go in the bin. On the other hand if you read back what you have written, you will see why an apology is required. . You saw a lot of your mother as did your grandchildren, your brother not so much but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love her as much. I do know that if you love someone you put things right. I know it’s hard but I would write a letter. I hope I haven’t offended you

I might be dim here but I really cannot see what the OP did wrong? She was told by brother to order one car and it was agreed that she and her 3 children would travel in that; he then kicked off about it, how does she owe him an apology?

Jenpax, I like and respect Yoga, known her through this column for ten years. The reason I would apologise, but this is just my opinion, others think differently I know, is the fact that she was much closer to her mom and it might come over as if her brothers opinion wasn’t as valid. There’s no happiness to be had from scoring a point because your feelings are not validated. It doesn’t matter who makes up, that will be forgotten, what matters is now, do you care for that person can you put it right..

Sometimes, by apologising, healing can ensue.
I'd stop looking at whether a person is to blame or not, jenpax as it's not going to improve the situation.

It's OK to say sorry in my opinion. You are not "absolving" others but there's often things we'd have done or said differently if only we'd known...
There are things I've said sorry for where I know that I wasn't anywhere near 100% to blame.

You can say "I'm so sorry you aren't in my life anymore", "I miss you" and "I wish I could turn the clock back" for example.

I wish you well Yoginimeisje

I think this is where I struggle with emotional intelligence😱 I tend to be very black and white in that you apologise if you have done something wrong, but not just to keep the peace, although I can see how that is helpful and it probably explains a lot of fallings out I have had where I have rigidly stood on the right and wrong line 😳

I'm the same jenpax. Apologising for something you haven't said or done doesn't resolve the problem, just papers over the cracks.

I think it depends on the circumstances and what you are trying to achieve. I have often apologised to my daughter because without doing so, I would have a rift which would mean I couldn't keep the lines of communication open to help her when she needs help for her mental health.
I will always apologise for the upset because I really feel sorry if I have upset someone even when I might be in the right. If I feel I am in the right, I may not apologise for that but more often than not, I'd sooner the argument didn't carry on. I will only stand my ground if it is really, really important and few things are.

Thank you Esmay and sorry to hear about your family's unrest. Yes, I ordered that Beatles CD yesterday and bought a nice Xmas card with 'Brother and his wife' on it, the card is what I usually do send.

Hi Yogi ,
I really hope that it works .
Take care and a deep breath - if it doesn't work - you've really tried .

Thanks for your input Jenpax

NotSpaghatti You can say "I'm so sorry you aren't in my life anymore", "I miss you" and "I wish I could turn the clock back" for example. Yes, very good, I may use that, thank you.

Thank you Smiles & Ican

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it. I mean it's a disagreement between adults, family adults, which happens, especially when your mum has just died. My mum & dad were in my life on a daily basis, we were close. For my s.i.l to hold a grudge for 13yrs is over-the-top, I think.

Thanks Esmay Yes, after that I can do no more.

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it.

I think people who have a feisty (volatile) character are difficult to live with. I tend to avoid them wherever possible. Life is too short to endure uncomfortable verbal hand grenades in my opinion.

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it. I mean it's a disagreement between adults, family adults, which happens, especially when your mum has just died.

Yes, arguments do happen when people die because peoples' emotions are running high. However, I suspect that an apology for that blow up would have been appreciated and might have helped smooth things over.

If you have a tendency to blow up, maybe looking at the signal which you will get before you do and learn to walk away until you are able to discuss matters less angrily. I am somebody who used to do this but learned that the behaviour is quite destructive. Gradually it gets easier to be calmer and you actually get further! It's a win, win.

Ican I really hesitated to put that on here because I knew it would be jumped on, but you've put it in a nice way, so thank you. Unfortunately, it is a truth about my personality, but as you say with age you realise it's not good and doesn't get the best results, so I do now try to hold back. Like I have now with my brother, I've gone from writing him a letter pointing out that it was him that actual caused the problem, to just sending a thoughtful gift & Xmas card.

I got to this decision by listening to the advice from all on here, so thanks everyone for your help.

Yes, an apology would have been good, but that would have been on the day of the funeral. We all meet at my mum & dad's bungalow, and I did say I did say 2 cars were needed S, but not sure if anyone heard it, I said it quietly. I would be reading my mum's eulogy at the service, so my mind was on that.

Well done Yogi. You are the better person in sending the card and present. I just hope it doesn’t blow up in your face like it did in mine. Whatever you will have done your best and if you don’t get a reconciliation you will know you have tried. Then is the time to let it rest. I hope it works out for you.

Thank you Avalon I don't see it blowing up in my face as I am just going to put on the gift saw this and thought of you, so I'll either get a friendly response, and hope that we have now moved on, or nothing will change, so yes, I will then let it be. Another Beatles song

Yoginimeisje
You will feel better, I think, giving it another go in this way.

It's up to them to (fingers crossed) feel the same.
They may remember those happier days.

Yoginimeisje, it is good that you have managed to find a way to try to move forward. Hindsight is a wonderful thing when it comes to our reactions. I do hope things settle for you.

Thank you Spaghetti & Ican Oh yes, that hindsight!