Our DD estranged us then went off to university

My first thought after reading your post, DogWhisperer, was "Good for her being so independent once she was set up in a flat."

But I know it must be very hard to have no contact. I doubt you have done anything wrong. I suspect it is something inside herself that is driving her behaviour. One of my siblings went no contact with our parents for a while but did 'return' to them in due course so don't give up hope.

Wishing you all the best.

I don’t understand why she got a flat when she was supposed to be saving up for uni?

You're right, logically it doesn't make sense, but we just thought it was the least bad option, given that it was something she wanted to do and there was already some tension at home over the university thing - it got so we were afraid to discuss it because it felt like we were walking on eggshells. Overall, we felt that year of independence before Uni was good for her. But we just wish she hadn't decided to take it to extremes...

I wondered that too. A flat of ones own is expensive making any saving for university fees impossible.
As for financial help doesn’t the student loan scheme cover fees .
I can’t advise other than talking to those she is in touch with to try to understand, but am sorry you are going through this.

...and also, I think if someone can show they are living independently from their parents, they are entitled to more Government grants and benefits.

A very difficult situation for you. You say she is not the only child going , she has a younger brother and maybe more siblings ? so presumably you will have the same financial worries about their university education .
Three years of no contact must be heartbreaking and having to tell fibs to friends and family members must be very distressing. I have no experience of this so in no position to advise but my instinct tells me you are doing the correct thing by maintaining contact occasionally, even if she does not respond she knows you think about her and that leaves the door open. I wish you good luck and and sincerely hope your daughter makes contact at some time in the not too distant future.

Lots of questions here - but you can't go back to where you were - so going down the "maybe you should/shouldn't have..." route is pointless.

My concern firstly is that she doesn't want to see her brother. Maybe she thinks you will use him to find things out.

I think it was a mistake to hide the situation from closest friends (for your own support and sanity) and it's an enormous burden on her brother as presumably it wasn't his choice.
As a girl/ young woman, my closest male friend had an older brother who basically "vanished". I knew, his close friends knew -and presumably his brother's close friends knew - but his mother pretended he was just away. It was all very odd. He was a super talented academically gifted lively young man who came back unexpectedly after about seven years.

As others have said, she may well get in touch in future and the good news is that she has kept in contact with her grandmother. Maybe her grandmother is quietly supportive and that's what she needed.

Are you still a guarantor for the flat?
Is she still paying rent or accruing debts? If she's coping with that, and a degree she's doing OK.

It is totally possible to do a degree with no financial help from family. It's harder, but certainly possible.
Working and studying isn't the best but she won't be the only one.

Meanwhile, reevaluate and celebrate the positive aspects of your relationship with your son. I really feel for him and I'm sure you've thought of this - but please give him space to grow into the person he wants to be. Don't take his dreams away and conversely don't smother/over indulge him. This is meant kindly. It comes from remembering my lovely friend and how he struggled with his mother when his brother went away.

I hope you have a partner/husband who is supporting you.

I’m wondering what you say in your emails. Keeping the channel of communications open is good but it’s also what you communicate. Do you tell her you are proud of her and her achievements? Do you congratulate her? Do you wish her well with no strings? Do you apologise about the situation that arose?
The one problem I can see is she might feel resentful and jealous of her brother if she feels he has had an easier time than she did.jealous

Are you sure she is still living in the flat? Not sure if you put a deposit down or she is renting it? Have you not been round in three years to see if she is still living there?

25Avalon, those are really good suggestions and I will use them in my next email (due in March if I am keeping to the 6 month interval). I didn't say any of those things because TBH I wasn't sure what to say, but I was careful to keep them short and neutral and avoid criticising or blaming her for anything. I said that an official looking letter had arrived for her, would she like us to forward it? I said that her grandmother (my MiL) was very ill in hospital and might not pull through (actually she did pull through, but probably won't last much longer). I asked her if she wanted to join us for a family get together with her other grandmother (my mother - she hasn't kept in touch with her). I sent her a photo of her younger brother with his new puppy. No response to any of these. But I will definitely try what you have suggested.

I think that a year working before university is often a good idea, it helps to clarify what you want to study and whether you really want to go.
There are adequate student loans available now, students are supposed to be able to manage without parental support though obviously most of us want to help.

Eazybee, she only lived in the flat for a year and then went off to university elsewhere, so the flat is no longer a thing. And we never got the furniture back that we bought for her, not that we wanted it back, but I have not made an issue of it and I don't intend to.

So you don’t send an email at Christmas or on her birthday (unless the latter coincides with the six month interval)? I would certainly send an email on those dates. You could even send e-cards if you can find something not too cheesy.

Hello DogWhisperer. Bewilderment is what the vast majority of estranged parents feel when no explanation is given in addition of course to the heart break.

I understand your reluctance to share this with other family and friends. It's difficult and embarrassing, there can be feelings of guilt and shame and also a fear of being judged, but after 3 years, perhaps it's time to 'bite the bullet' so to speak.

I agree with Shelflife that hiding this must be stressful. We've been estranged for 11 years and when we first told our nearest and dearest what had happened, we did feel as if a weight had been lifted from our shoulders, that we were no longer keeping a guilty secret.

As you haven't been told not to contact her, the occasional email and maybe a simple card at Christmas and for her birthday is a good idea, providing that you aren't pinning your hopes on getting a response.

One of the hardest things about being estranged is accepting that this is their decision and unless that changes, there is nothing you can do.

You ask what you've done wrong and my answer is nothing. It isn't wrong to be unable to afford to support a child through university.

You supported her in her desire to live independently by acting as guarantors, buying furniture and helping her to move in and prior to that, by talking to her about her choices including deferring uni for a year.

It's very difficult for siblings when estrangement happens. Your son may well have confided in friends about his sister already and I think if you haven't done so already, now is the time to tell him it's up to him whether or not he chooses to do so.

With nothing coming from your daughter, it is in my experience futile to keep on second guessing and trying to come up with the reason(s) for your estrangement.

Often, simply sharing your story helps, especially when you hear from other estranged parents and know it isn't just you and that you're not alone .

You say that you helped her move into the flat - so I'm presuming at that point things were / appeared to be ok.

Then when you visited with her younger brother she wouldn't let you in..was anything said by her at this point ?
Was her relationship with her brother good?

Have you actually asked her if she can tell you why she has acted in this way...not blaming her but asking if there's anything you can do to make things better?

I don't want to worry you even more but have you found out what accommodation she is living in at University and is she really there or just pretending to be?
I know someone, in fact, two whose uni-age child cut communications completely from mum, dad and siblings. They were pregnant. One dropped out completely and after several years turned up at home with a toddler.
The other was found out when a sibling kept going around to where they were living without telling and eventually heard a child crying.
Just try and keep up the contact e-mail birthdays Christmas etc. and emphasize how welcome she is, and maybe she will see she needs her family. Don't think you are alone or have done anything wrong.
This happens to lots of parents.

I wonder is there more to this story than meets the eye? She may have personal issues that she feels unable to share with family. Why not bite the bullet and communicate by email if you are unable to see her face to face. Simply ask " Is there anything worrying you that we don't know about"? Tell her you love her. In your position I would not go on about how much you miss her and how difficult it is for you ( although I appreciate how difficult it is ) make it all about her , give her the family's love , tell her you are very proud of how she has coped alone. You have nothing to loose , from my own experience I know that being upfront and asking your AC those difficult questions, reaps benefits! Be brave , tell her that if she does not want to answer then you respect that . If she does not respond then you have lost nothing. If she does disclose anything that is distressing her , accept whatever it is confirm your unconditional love- and from that point on you will all move onwards and upwards. I really wish you and your family the best outcome in this situation. I apologize if my ' advise' oversteps the mark , but reading between the lines this may be more than the issue about funding a place at university. Go for it , don't be afraid of ' talking ' to her. You have been estranged for 3 years , so I don't think being upfront can make things any worse. I wish you well.

Thank you everyone for those suggestions. Xmas and birthday e-cards are now back on the schedule... I did think about sending those before, but I really wasn't sure what to do for the best, or whether she wanted to receive them.

Dee1012, it came as a surprise when she wouldn't let me and her younger brother into the flat because up to that point I had no idea there was anything wrong. She just said she was busy, or it wasn't convenient - I can't remember exactly. At the time I thought maybe she was having a shower, or she was hiding a boyfriend in there who she didn't want us to know about, or something like that. It was only with hindsight that it became clear that this was the start of the estrangement. Her relationship with her brother is good, and she has spoken to him a couple of times since the estrangement started, but she doesn't keep in regular contact with him. I haven't asked her why she is acting this way, because I didn't know whether I should or not, but I'll try that in my next email.

Bella 23, the only definite proof we have that she attended university is that her name is in the university gazette for 2021-22 confirming that she passed her first year exams. That was in summer 2022. As far as we know she is still there, but that's only from bits of information passed from her to her grandmother. Same with the accommodation.

May I suggest that rather than asking her " why are you acting this way" ask " is there anything worrying you" .
Asking her why she is acting the way she is may appear to her that you are placing all the blame on her and that would add fuel to the fire !! Just ask those difficult questions. You could begin by saying " I know you are not happy, is there anything causing you distress"? Good luck .

Oh, I feel for you, your situation is just like the people I knew.
Hope you get some answers soon.

She sounds amazingly resourceful and independent and showed her determination to get to Uni by renting the flat. She is to be admired.. I think your best way forward is to acknowledge her successes and to tell her that your door is always open for a visit.. but don't have any expectations.. though she might surprise you..

Germanshepherdsmum

So you don’t send an email at Christmas or on her birthday (unless the latter coincides with the six month interval)? I would certainly send an email on those dates. You could even send e-cards if you can find something not too cheesy.

This ^

We'd send e-cards for Christmas and Birthday - done and dusted.

Then move on, don't obsess over what she is or isn't doing. Don't drag her GM into being a flying monkey. Leave it be for as long as it takes, with 6 month e-cards as an open door.

I think she is angry with you as you could not fund what she wanted. In my experience, AC often think their parents have endless money and she probably thinks you were unreasonable. I think she has therefore got a flat and gone to uni to "show you" that she can do it on her own without your help. She sounds resentful but one day I'm certain will see it from your perspective.

Shelflife

May I suggest that rather than asking her " why are you acting this way" ask " is there anything worrying you" .
Asking her why she is acting the way she is may appear to her that you are placing all the blame on her and that would add fuel to the fire !! Just ask those difficult questions. You could begin by saying " I know you are not happy, is there anything causing you distress"? Good luck .

there is no evidence that she is not happy.
i suggest do not write any such thing in an email to her.
it sounds patronising, or worse.
she may well regard herself as perfectly happy now that she is leading her own life, and not having to negotiate or deal with people she found difficult.
just be pleasant, positive, respectful in emails.